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Smother in law-new baby


Forum: February 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By sarah*

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  #1  
March 8th, 2013, 11:14 AM
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Posts: 478
Ok this is a long rant- so my MIL and I have never "jived". We don't fight but I have a huge space bubble and she has the personality of one of those yuppy dogs, always needing to have attention and be noticed and jumping on your leg. Some people like yuppy dogs but it is not for me as I like something like a chow...more hangs out by itself. I am quite and need my space and get defensive around people who try to hard to push through.

So I knew that I would be hormanal and crazy after birth. My mom and everyone who knows me (like really takes the time to get to know me) knew to stay away and wait to be invited and when you are invited offer tons of help like bringing food or whatever). I get overwhelmed by people very easy. Growing up I only had like 1 friend and I liked it that way. I guess I am just a loner.

So I had trauma during birth. Recall how I talked about my blood loss and bladder damage. I am still wearing diapers. I have no control and that is hard for a 30 year old active person to deal with. I stand up and it just runs out. Ok-getting to the point. I asked them to give me time to heal before they came to stay. They didn't listen and moved in when baby was 2 weeks and I am just peeing away...who wants their inlaws to see that? I thought maybe they would help but no, we waited on them (hubby and I). I actually got up and made breakfast for them.....after having only slept about 5 hours that week and they never said thank you.

My mil is a baby hog. She refused to put him down and tried to make him stay awake when he wanted to sleep. The end result is by the end of their weekend stay, baby was so overtired he cried for 3 hours. My hubby didn't really see the connection.

So, I had a meltdown. I was over "peopled" and upset that my baby was upset and I cried nonstop for about 6 hours. I took a shower, I went for a drive. I tried everything to stop crying but I couldn't. I mean it when I say I get overwhelmed by people (his mom especially) and after I just had a baby....come on?

So now last night I hear she is inviting herself up for baptism weekend and I just want to cry. I was up all night stressed. That is going to be a busy weekend. I want to enjoy it. I don't want company for a whole weekend. I am overwhelmed as my hubby works 70 hours a week and I am exclusive breastfeeding so I take all the nights with baby too and I need my weekend to recover and have alone time with just me and baby and hubby.

How do I tell her she can't be staying here every other weekend? We need our family time. My mom who lives in town isn't even here that much because she knows how I get around people.
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  #2  
March 8th, 2013, 11:41 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Austin, Texas
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Girl I am right there with you. I am on week 3 of 4 of my inlaws staying at my house. Thinking they are helping as turned me into a hormonal ball of mess and I told DH last night this was all his fault. I am doing more and having worry about them all the time. I am ready to throw myself a pitty party.....wanna join?
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  #3  
March 8th, 2013, 11:50 AM
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I do wanna join. To bad the BFing kills any chance of bringing wine to the party. I need about a bottle and I am not a drinker.

I don't understand how DH's mom doesn't get it. I mean she had a baby and should know. I want to enjoy this special time with my baby. I dont want to be all crazy because they stress me out. I am actually starting to resent them as I feel like they are robbing my happy times with MY baby. I get they are excited but they raised their kids. They had their chance. Let me have mine and let me freaking heal first. I mean who expects a new mom to get up and make a house full of company sunday brunch? Most people bring food to a new mom.

How do people deal with sharing their children with people who drive them crazy? I mean it. She is not going away? I need a plan. I am actually thinking of seeing a family therapist to get some "tools" as I can't live my life stressed about her. Anyone know a good book or anything?
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  #4  
March 8th, 2013, 01:02 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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I was you after my first birth. I hope I can help you a little by sharing my experiences.
I went in thinking with DD1 I was going to have an all natural birth, no pain meds, cord blood kept attached to baby for a bit after birth, put her on my chest after being born, etc etc. To my surprise I ended up having an extremely traumatic birth that led to an emergency c-section and epis caused me pain and I started having problems moving my limbs etc. I had the WORST PPD ever because I was overwhelmed with everything that happened. The first two weeks I fought with DH, then weeks 3-6 I cried all the time, non-stop, and then one day I felt like it was so overwhelming I just wanted to go to sleep and then wake up one day and have everything go back to normal. And I felt really batty so I didn't talk about my feelings with DH or my sister until I had a completely breakdown at 6 weeks. And let me tell you, you don't want to get to that point. I think my breakdown started about food, and then every other issue that was bothering me just came flooding out.
I recommend that you talk to your DH and get him to deal with his mom. You focus on healing and your baby and he can deal with all the crazy crap his mom throws at him. That's how DH and I deal with our families. My family is overwhelming and his has just been annoying and intrusive in the past. He should just tell his mom that both of you just want some alone time with the baby because you really want to enjoy this time, it flies by so quickly, you know?
Also, stop sharing information with her--like the baptism date. If she doesn't know, she can't invite herself. And it's incredibly rude of her/his family to not make themselves and you food when you're recovering. He needs to tell her that you (more like he) will let them know when they can come over. And their feelings may be hurt but if you need alone time to feel sane then that's what needs to happen. I literally went into hiding for a bit and then when I finally felt human again I came back out and shared my baby with the people I thought were worth my mommy/baby time. Because it's like you said, it's YOUR baby, you get to make the decisions and decided what is in his best interest and time with other people is time away from you. If your dh is not seeing the connection between the crying and the overtiredness then believe me your hormones are going to rock his world when you're more sleep deprived because your mil continues to intrude, and you're feeling even more overwhelmed.

I also don't share my children with people I don't like. That means I avoid them and Dh and I come to an agreement on this. For example, my mil is a smoker so she did not meet DD1 until she was about 6 months and I was still really batty from the ppd so that meant I changed her outfit nearly every time she held her because when she gave her back to me she smelled like smoke. DH was like, yeah, she just loves to change her clothes because she has so many..... and quite honestly MIL doesn't care enough to question it and she thinks I"m a big old picky princess B**** that is uppity and hoity toity, which while annoying actually makes my life easier. She knows there are boundaries and she does not cross them or me. Our relationship has become more friendly since I've had kids but she now understands that there are boundaries and she's ok with that---even if she wasn't, oh well. My kids, my husband, my life, my decisions that make me feel healthy, balanced, and happy. Don't ever feel like you're stepping on someone's toes or feel like you're going to offend them when it comes to your child because ultimately you're looking out for your (yours and his) well-being.
Oh, and let me give you an example why I love living hundreds of miles away from MIL. I was bfing dd1 and was only wearing panties because I had just showered her and myself to get the smoke smell off of her and MIL walks in even after DH tells her I'm bfing. Thankfully, I was under a blanket and she didn't see my lady bits or anything. Oh, yeah, except for my breasts! I can't imagine living in the same town, really.
Anyway, if you feel you need counseling do go and talk about your feelings. Having a traumatic birth is so overwhelming and I felt it robbed me of having a normal happy birthing experience where I bonded positively with my baby. I, unfortunately, bonded with DD1 with a lot of worries. Was she going to be okay? Did I do something wrong to cause the birth to go so eerily wrong? What could I have done differently? I also couldn't even sleep unless she was with me. As you can see my PPD was really bad.
You may just have the baby blues as they say, but I know for me it was full blown PPD and you don't want to neglect your well-being my down-playing the importance of your feelings. I say start by talking to your DH, which I know it's hard to find time when you have a spouse that works so many hours but make time because it's important so you feel better.
I really hope your bladder gets better soon and that your DH is understanding of your feelings.
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  #5  
March 8th, 2013, 01:12 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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My MIL drives me crazy!!! I wouldn't be able to handle her staying at my house. I would be honest with her and let her know that she is welcome at the baptism but that you are physically and emotionally not able to handle visitors that weekend.

I hope your badder heals soon for you.
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  #6  
March 8th, 2013, 02:12 PM
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"Also, stop sharing information with her--like the baptism date. If she doesn't know, she can't invite herself. " (sorry for wierd quotes, my computer always messes that up so I just did my own)

Yep, I didn't tell her. I actually delayed telling DH because I knew she would get it out of him. She called and specifically asked....DH can't withold it from her.

This is a lady who wrote out MY wedding announcement and put it in the newpaper without telling me. It was all about her......so and so anounceing the wedding of her son.... Can you imagine opening the paper and seeing that? Plus my parents are divorced and it is weird and the way she wrote it she totally disrepected my mom in it. Anyway new subject.

Luckyone- Everything you said makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to write that for me. I know we all have enough to do and so that means a lot. I needed to hear that I am not wrong to ask them to let me heal. I know I need to talk to DH but when it comes to his folks, we have never agreed. They live in another state and for the first 10 years we dated they never showed. Just in the last year, they wont leave us alone.
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  #7  
March 9th, 2013, 02:53 AM
sarah*'s Avatar Loving My Piglets
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I would tell her she can come but needs to book a hotel because you don't want her staying at your house x
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  #8  
March 9th, 2013, 03:47 AM
Nyzira's Avatar Just call me Bam.
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I'm with sarah... If your husband won't talk to them then for your own sanity and health YOU need to say something to them. Tell them to book a hotel and you WILL NOT be waiting on them. With some people the only proper way to handle them is the direct approach route. If they get offended or upset, then oh well... tell them it has to be that way or they have the option of not coming.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I guess I'm lucky in that my soon-to-be-ex's family is 3000 miles away and they only come over about twice a year... and I don't have to do anything for them.
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  #9  
March 9th, 2013, 11:43 AM
*CrabLegs*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through all of that! I'm in the boat with tell them to book a hotel. Have DH tell MIL that it's just too much to have house guests on top of a newborn. We don't do house guests period, so I can't even imagine having them after giving birth. I doubt we'd be on speaking terms by the end of it lol. Kudos to you for making them breakfast, you're a better woman than I! Hang in there, I hope things get better!
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  #10  
March 9th, 2013, 01:27 PM
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Yeah I would love for them to stay in a hotel but they would never offer and well lets say we tried that one before. Yep they thought they could stay at our house on our wedding night I made DH tell them to get a hotel and they didn't. I was like hell no can they stay here so they ended up having to pay like $300 for a crappy last minute room and his dad was so pissed (his dad is cheapest person ever) and basically they ruined my wedding because they were mad at us and then my DH felt like **** and I felt bad.

But yeah I would love it if they would stay in a hotel. Some people just don't get it.
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  #11  
March 9th, 2013, 02:20 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I feel your pain!!!! We actually had to evict my MIL from our home after my last birth 2 years ago! Lol! I spoke to her before giving birth and told her that our first child was going to be a learning experience and we wanted to bond as a family and could she please not come down until 3 weeks PP. B***H showed up the day after we came home from the hospital. She bought a plane ticket last minute and flew from NY to SC to do what SHE wanted to do. She refused to stay in a hotel. It was offensive to her that I would even suggest that. DH said it was her first grandchild, just let her be. Well she didn't cook, clean, change diapers, nothing!!!! She stared at me while attempting to figure out breastfeeding and having a hard time because it was painful and my milk hadn't come in. She constantly told me how I should just give up breastfeeding and do formula because it's easier. Then as soon as I would finish breastfeeding she would snatch the baby off my boppy pillow and walk away with her leaving me topless and babyless. It didn't matter if I hid in the bedroom to feed or sat on the couch she would follow and steal. One night she got drunk and woke the baby up to hold her. That was the last straw since it took DH and I 3 hours to get her to sleep. DH told her to get out. This time DH told her not to come and she actually listened to him. She's still mad about 2 years ago because she told all her friends and our family that she helped so much and we just kicked her out for no reason. We never told anyone the true story. Now she's mad again because her one and only son would not let her come down to see her 2nd granddaughter. I personally sent her an email 2 weeks ago inviting her down anytime now since we are a month PP and things are evening out in our house of 4. She has completely ignored my email and my phone calls. Oh well. So I know how you feel, but the only thing that stopped my MIL from coming was her precious little boy telling her himself.
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  #12  
March 9th, 2013, 02:33 PM
Ltem45
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Lurking from the May DDC. Sassalota I have a very similar personality to you when it comes to being a loner. My husband and I are trying to buy a house before my May 30 due date. His parents already plans to come stay with us for a week. Now I do know she will help cook, but I know she will also be a baby hog and tell me what to do. She is a smoker as well. My husband's sister said she would take her four weeks of vacation to help us out. I don't even get along with his sister. She is an unhappy mean person. It took me a long time to get pregnant and I want to enjoy the experience instead of having people tell me what to do. I wish I had advice, but I am happy to know I am not the only one who has to deal with this stuff.
My sil only lives 15 min away and we plan to get a house in our current town so it will be hard to keep her away, the inlaws live about 1.5 hours away. My mil did say she has no desire to be in the room when I give birth so that is good.At least I can have some time to bond with my child.
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