[GranolaMama]

I went in for my first two prenatal appointments yesterday. I am seeing two midwives; one delivers home-births, the other has hospital privileges, so I use her for medical backup in the case of a transfer during birth.

Well I went to the first (home birth practice) and had a great appt overall. I really connected with the midwives there. They tried to use a doppler to hear a heartbeat, but were unsuccessful. She said it was probably just too early, suspecting I had a retroverted uterus, and assured me that even a few days could have an effect at this point.

but I was worried... I've had this fear in the back of my mind for several weeks that we would go and there would be no heartbeat.

So I went to my second appt with the other practice, and told the midwife what happened and requested an ultrasound (btw- DH was with me for both). She called in one of the OB's and after what seemed like forever, they were only able to find a 7 weeks sack and no visible baby. Actually she just kept looking without saying anything so I finally said "is there even anything there?" (knowing what I was seeing.. this isn't my first time looking at an ultrasound). She said, "well, normally you would see a fetal poll, blah blah blah.." I was thinking to myself, "fetal poll at 12 weeks? Or even 7? Yeah, we should be seeing more than that by now." So she tells me maybe my dates are off and I'm just earlier than I thought (I got my first BFP over 8 weeks ago! I don't see how it's even possible to consider I'd be THAT far off!), and that she wanted to check my hormone levels today and again in 48 hours to see if they were rising. She also wants me to go back in a week for another ultrasound. She said they would not be pessimistic, but optimistic, etc.. Honestly, I know what's going on here, and I just wish she would have been *realistic*, rather than offering false hope.. I burst into tears as soon as she left the room.

I'm doing the hCG labs because I want to know if my body even knows what's going on so we can make a plan.. but I really have no desire to go back for another ultrasound. I went in today for the test and it took two nurses 5 sticks to get the one small vial of blood they needed. I've never had that problem before.. I actually left after the first 3 sticks to go home and try to hydrate, and got a sweater because I was *cold*. My arms are sore.. I go back Thursday. We'll see what happens.

I'm really really upset. So is DH. I know it sounds cliche but we really wanted this baby! I feel very lost and scared. This is my first loss, so I really don't know what to expect.. Please pray for peace and healing for our family. I'm trying to stay strong in front of my children because they are still so young I don't think they would understand and I don't want to scare them.

Oh, and we closed on our house this morning.. which I'm really excited about, but that means now I have to pack and move during everything. I'm more than overwhelmed. We have some friends who have offered to help, but it's still not going to be easy!

I will probably take a break from JM for a little while. I just need time to heal. It's been nice getting to know you all. I hope I'm the last to leave and you all have healthy happy pregnancies! I'll be lurking in a few months to see all the cuties

[sweet.hun]

I am so sorry hon. I hope that you get answers fast! Please make sure you keep us updated with what is going on with you.

[KtKuKi]

Oh no, I am so sad to read this I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck with your move, hopefully it will help to distract you a little. Again, I'm so sorry to see you leave.

[mikiesmom04]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this hun! I hope everything goes smoothly and you can start healing and maybe TTC a lil rainbow baby!

[sterlids445]

oh honey i'm so sorry it sounds like you're having a blighted ovum. i had one 2 yrs ago and it was no fun. if you have any questions about it or how i went about having the m/c please don't hesitate to ask or send me a pm. i'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

[SammyJ]

Oh no! I am sooo sad to read this. My heart breaks for you. A loss is never easy and is not something I would wish on anyone. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you are able to take your time to heal and figure out what is best to do for you and your family. Sending major HUGS your way!!!

[sunshyne57]

Oh no. This breaks my heart

I am so sorry!! Big hugs!

[Athme]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

[EverLovely]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'll miss your presence, and hope that you are healing and that your move goes just as smoothly as possible.

[Amy B.]

I am so, so sorry to hear this. Big hugs!!!

[Julie_]

I'm really sorry.

[Irish_Wristwatch]

Oh Heather I am so so sorry, my heart is breaking for you ((hugs))

[AimeeD041727]

My heart is breaking for you. Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

[naalie]

Oh my goodness, words can't express...I am SO sorry. I can't imagine the shock you must be going through. I know you are moving and everything but if you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on...I don't live too far from you. Just pm me and we can meet up. *hug*

[Blieving4more]

Take as much time as you need to grieve and heal from this loss. I have 4 angel babies and with each loss I had floods of emotions. Allow yourself and your husband, who will grieve differently then you will, to go through the process of loss. You will go through times of grief and despair, anger and frustration, loneliness and hopelessness, feeling lost and broken..... If you need anything please PM me. My son also went through the 1st loss with us when he was 3yrs old. I was 12 weeks along and at first he did not understand why God took the babies back from us but he really helped with the healing process. Reassuring me that God will give us another baby soon and that he was praying for a little brother or sister. So sorry you are going through this but please know, you ARE NOT ALONE!!

[L-SBB]

i am so very sorry for your loss Heather (((((HUGS))))) Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions on what to expect...i've had both D&C and natural losses, so sadly can give you a perspective on either depending on how you decide to proceed.

I'm so sorry to hear this! Thoughts and prayers are with your family.

[amandabee]

Aw I am so sorry! My heart is breaking for you. I will be thinking about you.

[MamaFish]

Originally Posted by GranolaMama

This is my first loss, so I really don't know what to expect.. Please pray for peace and healing for our family. I'm trying to stay strong in front of my children because they are still so young I don't think they would understand and I don't want to scare them.

I am so sorry. I know there are no words to really help, but I will be praying.

On the "what to expect" side, I can say that each mc I've had has been very different. Except for the last one, I never knew when the baby stopped growing because I'd never had an ultrasound except a doppler at 12+ weeks. The last time we found no hb at 13 weeks. I started bleeding that day. When I delivered the baby we found it had stopped growing at 10 1/2 weeks, so it took several weeks before I actually mc'd. I'm sure some of my other miscarriages were like that, too.

I think your children, especially your 3 year-old, will understand that you're crying because you're sad. If he knew you were expecting a baby I'm sure he'll understand. We just told our children that the baby died, but he/she now has a perfect body in heaven and they will meet him or her someday.

Praying you heal quickly. As another poster said, maybe the move will help some.

[pickle0313]

I'm so sorry for your loss!