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Need Some Advice on my SO


Forum: April 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
August 6th, 2012, 06:56 PM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
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...so, before I actually got pregnant, my SO & I would talk & joke about it all the time. He knew I was off the pill & when I first went off of it I think he freaked and he wouldn't finish inside me the entire first cycle. After that it was only when he "felt" like it ... then on this last cycle it was every time ...

However, now that I'm pregnant, he is being a huge jerk and it's really upsetting me. He's not leaving me, I know that ... but he is being so unsupportive. We're not married so he keeps saying "oh, my family is going to love this." yet when we were trying he kept talking about how excited they would be. He's hot and cold ... one minute he is joking/talking with me about it and the next minute he's being a complete ***. I wasn't feeling great after dinner tonight and he says "well, this is what you wanted" and it really hurts. I know he is terrified and scared, I get it. Neither of us ever expected this to happen immediately ... we thought it would take months and months ...

How do I get him to be supportive right now? Everyone keeps saying to just give him some time (I just told him on Friday) ... I know this is so soon and I'm only 4 weeks pregnant and have a LONG time to go.
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  #2  
August 6th, 2012, 07:20 PM
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gah! men. It sounds like when he agreed to TTC he didn't really think of it as "real" and then it happened so fast and now its "real" so he's kind of freaking out. with my first DS, it was an oopsie baby and my DH was FREEEEAKING out and so upset, so I know how it feels not to have someone supporting you in a new and scary situation. my DH got over in in a matter of days, a week at the most, and he was excited after that. What worked for me was to not harass him about it and let it sink in until he was more used to idea and had processed. I think your SO's comments like "oh they're going to LOVE this" are just his defense mechanism because he's so nervous and/or scared. I'm sure he will be thrilled for this baby, and his family as well. Who wouldn't be excited for a new little life?! Just give him some time to come around
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  #3  
August 6th, 2012, 07:27 PM
~*Mandy*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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ITA, I would pull away and let him come forward. It wont be too long before he is supporting you!
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  #4  
August 6th, 2012, 07:31 PM
Atank03's Avatar Veteran
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Yea my DH is very quiet right now. He was real freaked out the first 2 days and we didn't talk about it al all. This is #3 for us. He knew I wasn't on any protection and that I wanted one more. He was kinda wish washy about it but NEVER wore a condom. But he was also freaked out with our other 2 DD's for the first week or two and then was totaly supportive about it all. So I am just letting him be for a few days and he is slowly coming around and taking about it. And I am sure yours will do the same.
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  #5  
August 6th, 2012, 07:43 PM
Elly M.'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with the ladies above. As hard as it might be, they are right. Men are a "special breed", lol. However, I would (in a calm way) express that he is really hurting your feelings when he says things like "this is what you wanted". It is one thing for him to be scared or quiet about the baby, but he really needs to not say things like that. You don't need that stress right now. This is your first baby, and you need support as you go through one of the most amazing times of your life. Also, even though this might be hard to say because you are annoyed with him right now, but maybe say things now and then about what an amazing father he will be and other things like that. It may give him a new outlook on everything, and help him to become excited. I hope he comes around for you soon
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  #6  
August 6th, 2012, 08:24 PM
dyeanotherday's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yeah i would buy him a book there is a good one called the expectant father and give him some space bothering him when he is clearly trying to sort out some stuff is just going to upset you both
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  #7  
August 7th, 2012, 02:12 AM
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With our daughter, my SO was...hmm....how to put it nicely.... a f***ing *******? Of like epic proportions? He'd do something sweet like kiss my belly and then a few hours later pull out the 'you should have aborted her' card. He did this through my entire pregnancy.

I can't really give you any tips, because nothing I did seemed to work, but just wanted you to know I feel ya!

(BTW, he did a complete 180 a few months after she was born, and now he's wrapped around her little finger.)
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  #8  
August 7th, 2012, 03:51 AM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
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Thanks ladies ... I will take ALL of your suggestions, especially pulling away from him for a bit. Right now, he is just a jerk and the more I pester the more jerk comments he's going to say.

It's so hard for me NOT to talk about it though because I am excited/scared/nervous all at the same time & it's obviously the only thing on my mind ... I'm almost positive it's going to take longer than a week for him to come around but I hope it's not after the birth because I do NOT want to go through that on my own.

He hasn't mention abortion but I asked him yesterday if that's what he wanted and, of course he was pissed, and snapped "do whatever you want." I know 100% he does not want that but of course, why would he say that nicely?

I'm not one to sit around and wait for him, I continued to pester about having a baby since last year! There were even times, when he was being extra nice, he would ask me to stop my pill sooner than May.

Oh, and last night he was on his phone looking for baby coupon apps ... and that made me happy, but when I tried to talk about it anymore, he flipped.

Ugh, I wish I was not going through this right now. I feel so alone.
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Last edited by Missa_Mae; August 7th, 2012 at 03:56 AM.
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  #9  
August 7th, 2012, 04:28 AM
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That has got to be so hard. I may be harsh but I would be so mad and hurt. He KNEW he was having unprotected sex with you, how can he blame it on you and make you feel like crap, that you did it to yourself? I don't know what I would do in this situation, I think you are doing an amazing job for handling it so well. I hope he "recovers" and steps up to the plate and supports you. I agree with giving him his space but he also needs to realize that he is a part of this and it's not fair to just leave you alone. He could have said NO, he decided to do this too. You cannot just assume it will take months and months to get pregnant and then flip out when it happens right away. HUGS to you, I hope it gets better!
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  #10  
August 7th, 2012, 05:40 AM
hearts.0nfire's Avatar STPR lover
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Completely agree with the other ladies. My husband still makes comments like "This is what you wanted" to me and it really pisses me off. As much as you want to talk to him about it I would back off a bit and give him time to really process stuff. I know it hurts having him be like this. One of the main things with my husband is he hated hearing me complain or really talk about what's going on in my pregnancies and that's why i'm trying to not even do it this time. You can always talk to us about whatever is going on!
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  #11  
August 7th, 2012, 06:18 AM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
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That's what seems to piss him off the most, when I talk about how I'm feeling. Last night, I felt like s*it and of course, he was like "well, this is what you wanted" and he'll flat out say "I don't have to be supportive" which hurts a lot ... but I'm chalking it up to him just freaking out & because I continue and continue to talk about it, I need to chill out on the talking & wait until he's ready to talk ...


See, this is my SO in a nutshell. He likes to make comments he knows upsets me, even way before this pregnancy...and I always would brush it off because I knew he didn't mean it and I knew in 5 minutes he'd be back to mr. nice guy. I seriously think he has some sort of mental disorder LOL. We'll be screaming at each other 1 minute & the next he'll be asking me what he can make me for dinner ...
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  #12  
August 7th, 2012, 06:28 AM
HalfDozen's Avatar Formerly Number5OnTheWay
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Dumb men! They can be so insensitive sometimes! ;-)

With my last pregnancy, we were trying (the only one we actually planned), and I don't think either of us thought it would happen so quickly, given that we were a little older, etc. I think he was shocked at first, and so I let him take it in. Over time, he would do sweet things like try to hear the heartbeat through my stomach, just rest his hand there, talk to the baby, etc. However, when I had to have a later ultrasound to do a further scan on something they couldn't see, and he didn't want to go, I flipped out. I am a calm person by nature, and it takes quite a bit to get me mad, but we didn't talk for 3 days. That was probably the biggest fight we've ever had in our nearly 13 years of marriage.

Anyhow, I say this because there were many times that my husband was stressed, and he is naturally prone to depression. The times when I pushed him to do things are the times that it ended badly. Yes, it was planned. Yes, we both wanted the baby. Yes, I knew he would love it unconditionally. However, I think he really didn't want to hear all my "updates" continually. I think it's sometimes hard for guys because while they are excited, it is also scary for them. Not only is it a big financial commitment, but as my husband told me several times during the last pregnancy in his more vulnerable moments, he knows that I am a great mother, but he doesn't feel like he's a good father. So, all of that weighed on him. She's going to be a year next week, and she has him wrapped around her little finger.

And this time around, I know he will be fine when he gets used to it. However, that's why I'm waiting a bit to tell him. I don't want to add to his stress with many other things going on right now, and I also know that he doesn't want to be immersed in these details so early on. I can say this after having 4 other children, and we know how to handle each other, but when it's your first, it's hard. You're over the moon excited, and you want to obsess about every detail, but he just doesn't want to hear every nuance. I think it's too overwhelming to them.
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  #14  
August 7th, 2012, 08:41 PM
MamaFish's Avatar Swimming Upstream
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Number5OnTheWay View Post
Dumb men! They can be so insensitive sometimes! ;-)

With my last pregnancy, we were trying (the only one we actually planned), and I don't think either of us thought it would happen so quickly, given that we were a little older, etc. I think he was shocked at first, and so I let him take it in. Over time, he would do sweet things like try to hear the heartbeat through my stomach, just rest his hand there, talk to the baby, etc. However, when I had to have a later ultrasound to do a further scan on something they couldn't see, and he didn't want to go, I flipped out. I am a calm person by nature, and it takes quite a bit to get me mad, but we didn't talk for 3 days. That was probably the biggest fight we've ever had in our nearly 13 years of marriage.

Anyhow, I say this because there were many times that my husband was stressed, and he is naturally prone to depression. The times when I pushed him to do things are the times that it ended badly. Yes, it was planned. Yes, we both wanted the baby. Yes, I knew he would love it unconditionally. However, I think he really didn't want to hear all my "updates" continually. I think it's sometimes hard for guys because while they are excited, it is also scary for them. Not only is it a big financial commitment, but as my husband told me several times during the last pregnancy in his more vulnerable moments, he knows that I am a great mother, but he doesn't feel like he's a good father. So, all of that weighed on him. She's going to be a year next week, and she has him wrapped around her little finger.

And this time around, I know he will be fine when he gets used to it. However, that's why I'm waiting a bit to tell him. I don't want to add to his stress with many other things going on right now, and I also know that he doesn't want to be immersed in these details so early on. I can say this after having 4 other children, and we know how to handle each other, but when it's your first, it's hard. You're over the moon excited, and you want to obsess about every detail, but he just doesn't want to hear every nuance. I think it's too overwhelming to them.
Ditto to all the above, and the other ladies!
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