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Forum: April 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By Pretty Crispy
  • 2 Post By MaineBean
  • 3 Post By MsRK

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  #1  
August 8th, 2013, 07:07 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 805
I feel like I am the only one that does anything for the family. I do all of the laundry for me, DH, and the baby, all of the grocery shopping, and all of the cooking (on the 4 days that the nanny is not here). When I do the laundry I end up having to walk around the house to find all of DH's clothes that he has scattered around. I have asked him repeatedly to put them in the hamper but he isnt improving. Also, he likes most of his clothes (including his t-shirts) hung. Its not always easy getting everything done while taking care of the baby so sometimes I will lay out his hanging clothes and ask him to hang them while I am nursing. Instead he just stacks them on the dresser where they stay until I end up hanging them. He also doesn't really help with the baby if I am there. Three days a week he has Baby A for 1.5 hours. When I get home from work on those days, he acts like he has done me some huge favor by watching the baby and then he is pretty much done with childcare for the rest of the night.

I also have a 17 yo stepson that lives with us. He frequently eats the last of various foods but leaves the empty food container in there so I don't know it is all gone until I need it. Because of my crazy diet restrictions (Baby A is gassy), there are certain foods that are "mine." This morning I went to eat breakfast only to discovery that he had eaten the last of my only breakfast food. He hadn't bothered telling me that he had eaten it and he had left the empty box in there so there is no way that I would have known it was gone. I am really frustrated because Baby A sleeps all morning so that is when I have time to do my work which means that I can't just run to the store and grab food (as DH suggested). I am tired of feeling like the family servant and tired of being unappreciated.

I think today I am going to do my laundry and leave DH's in the hamper. If he wants it clean he can clean it. I also think I am going to get a lock box and only buy me groceries. They are old enough to fend for themselves. It may sound immature, but begging and pleading has gotten me no where. Does anyone have any other suggestions for how to handle it?
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  #2  
August 8th, 2013, 08:48 AM
ThaiSpice's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: AR
Posts: 16,420
I can relate to a lot of this...especially the laundry thing. I do all of the laundry, and definitely have to go around the house gathering up DH's clothes...they're in the bedroom, the bathroom, his "office," and pretty much anywhere other than the hamper. And I often do laundry on weekends while (hopefully) the girls are napping, if I'm lucky enough to have them both nap at the same time. And sometimes when he's home on the weekends, he'll nap too while they're napping, and it is kind of like a slap in the face...for one thing, sleep is not going well, and he's not the one up during the night feeding the baby. THEN I'm washing, folding and putting away all of his laundry, and HE's the one sleeping. That seems fair.

And I can also relate to the food restrictions and someone (DH) eating my food and leaving empty boxes in the pantry. He can eat whatever he wants, but I can't, so I do sometimes feel like hiding my gluten free stuff, just to make sure it's there when I need it. And if I ask him what he wants me to buy him at the store, he usually says, "I don't need anything," rather than actually thinking of some things that he wants/needs.

Anyway...I don't have suggestions. I would say be honest with him about it, but it sounds like you have already tried that. Setting limits would probably be the next thing I'd try...like say, "I'll wash your clothes IF they're in the laundry basket," or "I'll buy whatever snacks you want, but whatever is in my box is off limits."
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  #3  
August 8th, 2013, 09:20 AM
Pretty Crispy's Avatar Proud Momma
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
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It must be a man thing! My dh will take his clothes off and put them on the floor literally touching the hamper but cant seem to put them inside it!

He is great with everything else though and a wonderful help with baby and chores so I usually let it slide and just pick them up myself.

I would probably stop washing his clothes and put a lock on a cabinet full of my food if I were in your shoes.
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  #4  
August 8th, 2013, 09:22 AM
MaineBean's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Maine
Posts: 4,789
F that man. I'd totally let DH deal with his own laundry. He's a big boy. I mean, if it's in the hamper, great, you'll wash it. And you'll do your best to accommodate how he likes it when it's done (I try to fold DH's stuff how he likes- just like HE rolls my underwear how *I* like when he does the laundry!)

As for baby care, he isn't "baby sitting" his own child. He can get off his butt and 50/50 coparent. I'd make him do stuff. Like when A cries in the evenings, tell him to deal with it. My DH often will default to me for when Ingrid is upset, asking what is wrong with her. If I know, I'm happy to tell him and he can handle accordingly (unless she's hungry and I need to nurse her). If I dont' know, I say "I have no idea what her deal is." I might tell him when I last fed and changed her if I was on baby duty previously, but then I say nothing else and move on. And he's ok with that. (He's an excellent co-parent and co-partner at our house. He is home with both kids all work day on Mondays, half days Tuesdays, and Thursday nights.)

As for your food, I like Thai's idea of a box or cabinet that is just yours. Be reasonable about what you "horde" and label it so no one can claim "they didn't know."

I'm all for open communication. You firmly explain things are not working and a different solution needs to be in place. By all means, try to work together to come up with a mutually agreeable solution, but if you aren't getting anywhere, I see nothing wrong with declaring you are no longer tolerating X, Y, and Z and then just stop doing it. It's not the most cooperative, but what the hell, your hubby isn't being cooperative for YOU! And if he complains about it, that's what you tell him- "You dont' like that I'm not doing all these things, but the reality is neither are YOU. I work too and it is a full time job keeping the house running. If we need to reevaluate chores and responsibilities, that's fine, but it's going to be equal and fair going forward. I'm not your maid."

Hmph.
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  #5  
August 8th, 2013, 09:52 AM
MsRK's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,611
I hear you lady!
It's like being the Mommy in a house of fully grown babies!! *almost left eye ticks myself into a coma over this one* I just CAN'T stand that behavior from grown men. It makes me INSANE. I apologize in advance if this gets long!

When I decided to leave my job and work from home I made it clear to DH that I was NOT the stay at home wife and that I needed to work while I was home NOT do housework for him. I usually ended up working more hours than he did anyway because I would even work on weekends.But the housework started to become completely lopsided. He WAS NOT like that before I left my company.

When the baby came I was not only trying to work, but take care of the baby and the house. He would only mow the grass once every two weeks and take out the trash every Thursday night. WTH??!! He wouldn't take it upon himself to cook meals, do laundry, even clean up after himself. He would literally just step over large objects that were left on the floor and kept going.

We were both sleep deprived and he would come home saying that he was tired. Umm.. HELLO??? I don't get to have a break from the baby at any point of the day and I STILL have to work and STILL have to take care of the house AND I was preparing meals and had dinner ready for him when he came home. We fought the most over this when the baby was born.

The final straw came when he told me that I shouldn't complain because I have time to sleep at home. ????????? WHEN??? When the baby would be between feedings (since he ate every two hours) I had to pump milk, try to work, clean and cook! I LOSSTTTTTT IT!!

So I did a COMPLETE work stoppage for him. I did MY laundry. I cooked MY food. I cleaned my dishes. (He is the only one who drinks coffee and "needs" his coffee mugs and travel mugs for work. TOO bad!) I didn't do a SINGLE STITCH of his stuff. After about a week I guess he noticed that I wasn't doing any of the work or making meals anymore. He came to me and asked when I was planning to do laundry. I said "My laundry is already done. Yours will be done when you do it."

I think it finally clicked that I wasn't doing anything for him. After a while he had no choice but to do some of the work and saw how time consuming it was. He came to me complaining that he didn't have any downtime because he was working all day long. I said "Well isn't that a b&$tch!? I guess that DOES suck doesn't it? Welcome to my life."

I would make single portions of dinner JUST for me while he was sitting right there watching TV and just sit at the table and eat my food. Then after almost two weeks of that I told him that I was going to go shopping for food and he had to watch the baby. I left at 9am on Saturday morning and didn't come back until 6:30pm. (about the time that he comes home from work.) I really went to the movies and a friends house and did a little food shopping before I came home. Then on Sunday I said that I needed to work to catch up and that he would have to watch the baby. I went to my office around 8:30am.

About 2pm I hear him coming down the steps and the baby is crying. He tells me that he hasn't had a break all weekend from the baby and I asked him when do I get a break from the baby ALLLLL week long? I told him that I don't bring the baby to his job and ask for a break so he would have to leave my office until I was done.

I resurfaced around 6:30pm again and started making my own dinner and he came to me and wanted to talk. And said that he was sorry and understood how difficult it was now and that we should try to make the house work even. It took only TWO days back to back with him having the baby for the business day for him to suddenly see the light.

Now things are evened out a lot more and have settled down for us but it took me having to go to that extreme to get him to realize what he was doing to me.

That crap isn't fair to put you ladies through! Marriage is a partnership, not a slave/Master relationship. Screw that! We both put in 50% and make things work, otherwise I'm not pulling ANY grown man's weight.
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  #6  
August 8th, 2013, 01:50 PM
Atank03's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 497
I can relate! DH has done NOTHING to help me since ava has been born, he was great the first 2 weeks but then it all went to **** after than, I have told him many of times how I feel about it but its not getting better at all. Then when I have enough and blow up about it ( which has happened a few times already) he acts like he has no idea what I am talking about and that he does his share. Whatever!! Yea for 2 weeks I stopped doing his laundry and only did mine and the girls's. He didnt like that at all LOL
Ugh....MEN!!
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  #7  
August 9th, 2013, 05:16 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I am sorry that so many of y'all are having to go through this but your stories are making me feel much better.

Last night he came home from work early. He got there around 5. I told him that I would be leaving for the gym in about 15 minutes and he responded "good. I can take a nap" and then he complained to my friend that Baby A kept him up the night before. I called BS because he was only up listening to her fuss for about 3 minutes whereas I was up for most the night because she wanted 2 feedings that night (odd for her) and when I tried to co-sleep with her she kept kicking me (we stopped co-sleeping on a nightly basis about 2 months ago). I think that men really are the weaker sex and very few could really care for a baby.

Last night I also started the laundry and I washed our towels and my clothes. I have separated out all of his stuff and I am not going to wash it. He is also off this weekend for the first time in a month and I am going to make him clean the house. He has small objects that she can choke on all over the place and she is becoming way to mobile for that. This weekend will definitely be a baby proofing weekend.

MsRK--I like your idea but I don't know how to accomplish it since I'm breastfeeding. I don't want to use up all of my stash since I work out of the house 3 days per week. That may have to wait until she is nursing slightly less.
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  #8  
August 9th, 2013, 09:34 AM
MsRK's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 1,611
Quote:
Originally Posted by utexas10 View Post

MsRK--I like your idea but I don't know how to accomplish it since I'm breastfeeding. I don't want to use up all of my stash since I work out of the house 3 days per week. That may have to wait until she is nursing slightly less.
I breastfeed as well but on that Saturday I pumped milk before I left and told DH to use that milk and the milk in the fridge for the day. I took my pump with me to my friends house and pumped after the movies and before I left to go to the market , then home. That way I kept my reserve up.

On Sunday I just took the pump with me down into the office and pumped during the day. When I came up for the evening when things settled down I breastfed.
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  #9  
August 9th, 2013, 03:36 PM
kimberley's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,840
I can relate as well. I do everything in the home mostly because I don't work, but when I think back to when I did work, I still did all the chores. He does everything that needs done to the house or property, maitenance or repair-wise) and he thinks that is enough. I don't mind doing laundry and cleaning so much as I do the meal planning and COOKING, I HATE cooking. Even if he just took charge of dinner like ONCE IN A FREAKING WHILE, I would be sooo excited. I have to ***** and complain about it for a while, then he will order pizza... yay.

I just wish he were a little more thoughtful. I am always texting him at work to see if he needs a coffee or something while im out, and doing little things to make him feel special. It's those little things that really matter to me. Maybe take me out for dinner without me having to ask?

He doesn't realize how much it would turn me on if I saw him folding a load of baby clothes, or surprising me with food I DIDNT HAVE TO MAKE.

I'm sorry I have no solutions for you, but it felt good to vent.

ETA - My DH is my savior when it comes to the baby. There is nothing he wouldn't do for that baby. I'll give him that.

Last edited by kimberley; August 9th, 2013 at 03:40 PM.
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  #10  
August 10th, 2013, 06:01 AM
blueeyes25s's Avatar Expecting #1
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Green Bay, WI
Posts: 4,186
I also do the majority of the housework, grocery shopping, and cooking. DH and I always took turns doing laundry and would complain every week it was his turn! After A was born we started fighting a lot more about household duties it was getting out of hand so we talked it out and came down to a compromise.

DH said he hated folding laundry and that's why he complained so now he washes and dries the clothes, I fold them and out A and my clothes away and he puts his clothes away. I will continue to do the grocery shopping weekly, he mows the lawn weekly or shovels in the winter or rake in the fall. I take care of keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean, he takes care of the living room and 3 bedrooms, I do the cooking still since he can't cook but every since then he has really stepped up with keeping the house cleaned.

Try to work something out and like someone else has said, he's not babysitting his own child he needs to take just has much responsibility taking care of the baby. I know this is still a struggle between us but it is getting better. I know it's more of DH getting comfortable since he has little experience with babies but ya just try to work something out!
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  #11  
August 10th, 2013, 08:09 AM
Cortney6983's Avatar Cortney
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 1,330
You all said everything i feel and that happens. With Lilly so fussy it's hard to get a break no one takes her.. he takes her when he gets home but somehow i end up tending to her anyway and he ends up playing video games. I also do all laundry and cleaning
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  #12  
August 10th, 2013, 12:23 PM
Excited first time mommy!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 245
I'm glad I'm not going through this alone. My story sounds a lot like all of you ladies' complaints. He also claimed the "you can take a nap, you can take a break" umm no. So I stopped making dinner, let the laundry pile up and left for the day. I told him I had a quick doctor's appointment and errands to run, but I actually just wandered Meijer forever after my appointment.

DH made it an HOUR before he called me with the baby screaming in the background. "I tried feeding him, burping him etc... and he won't calm down!" I told him to put the baby in his room because he sounds overtired. Worked like a charm. When I came home a few hours later he apologized and understood what I go through all day.

It may be tough with BF, but if you have some frozen then let him do everything all day! We *never* get the day off.
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