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Ok so being a first time mom is tough, people tell you a bunch of stuff that you should and shouldn't do, some people do things for you or do things IN-SPITE of what you want....
well here is where I need some help... A lot of people do things even if I don't want that to be done... example: my mom will come into the room as I am trying to get Lilly down for a nap you can tell Lilly is tired she's getting close to sleep and here comes my mom... I tell her don't bug her I am trying to get her down for a nap... she says I won't and then... she messes with her tickles her makes high pitched noises anddd ... picks her up... usually bringing Lilly upstairs who is still tired who then gets peeved off after a few min of being up there because my mom hands her off to everyone and then my mom gives her back all mad and awake (Lilly does NOT like to be handed around lol)
another example: Lilly is a spitter... she spits up a lot... So after she eats I either lay her down or put her in her bumbo or some other baby seat to relax and not get to wiggled around, a lot of people (home and at our friends house) don't listen to me when I tell them to leave her be for now she just ate and will spit up a lot and that creates a mess and a monster when she spits up a lot of what she just ate.... the response? "oh she is fineee" or "it's ok I am not wearing anything special" then she spits up and spits up all over her self and everything and they all act like something is wrong with Lilly because she spits up so much "wow she is spitting up so much you should really get that checked out" YEAH after you are bouncing her around RIGHT after she ate...
So anyway my question is how do I tell them something and make people listen without sounding like the B word?
see my mom .... she gets "upset" of I try to enforce leaving Lilly alone ESPECIALLY when Lilly is having a "fit" with her reflux or gas because she has such a strong screaming voice my mother can hear and she tries to RUN down and help (taking Lilly away doing what she wants which makes her madder) I do know she is trying to help but we are doing what we need to get Lilly better I don't need my mom running to help and if I tell her that she gets mad/upset
*we are looking for apartments so HOPEFULLY soon we will have our own place!
... You are that child's mother and there is probably no one else who is around her or knows her the way that you do. Screw worrying about coming off as the "B Word". I will happily ruffle a few feathers for the good of my child. I think that's more the issue for you. You may have to not worry so much about how you appear and just do what's best for your little girl.
If you say let her rest after eating. That should be how it is. If they go to pick her up speak up. Say things like: "It's not just about your clothes being ruined. It's about her keeping her food down so that she has the nutrients/hydration that she needs. Do you like vomiting? Why do you think my baby should be ok with it? Are you going to clean her up and wash off her face, neck and chest when she vomits all over? Change her clothes? No?? Ok. Then just allow her a few minutes rest and then you can play with her."
There are going to be a lot of times when you are going to have to step up for your child regardless of it ruffling some feathers. It will be ok and you will get used to it. You don't have to be NASTY to other people but be stern. You can do it lady!
I think you need to just be aggressive. It doesn't mean you have to be mean or b itchy but "defending" your child is your right. It's not like the situations you describe are that big of a deal to abide by- what's wrong with these people?!
When other people (not your mom) are not listening and handling Lilly in ways you don't like, you simply take her and don't let others near her. If you don't want people picking her up, you say confindently (and maybe even forcefully), "I'm sorry, you really cannot pick her up right now. It will upset her and make things worse. I'm not trying to be mean, but I really must insist you leave her be." You are allowed to physically prevent people from picking her up- you hold her tight and close, you keep your hand on her, you move her away from others, and maybe you leave where you are to make a point. If you tell someone to leave her be and they pick her up anyway, you go to the person, take Lilly away and put her back. Repeat the words and actions over and over- consistency is huge.
As for your mom, moms can be tough. I think you need to take a different approach, though still confident and direct. Instead of just trying to say no, you may need to phrase approach her not when you are in the middle of taking care of Lilly. You'd say something like, "Mom, I know you are trying to help, but honestly when you interfere with what I'm trying to do to care for my daughter, it is both disrespectful and frustrating for me, and also detrimental for Lilly as she almost always ends up worse than where I started. I need you to respect my decisions and actions as a parent, just like you wanted from your mom with me. I appreciate your input when I ask for help, but when I ask you to step back, I really need you to listen." And then if after talking she tries to interfere when you're doing your thing, you need to firmly reiterate "Mom, we talked about this. I'm all set and don't need help now. If I need you, I will be sure to ask for your assistance. But for now, can you please leave us? Thanks." Rinse and repeat!
There's a decent chance people won't be happy with you. They might resent you standing up. They might judge that you don't know what you're doing. But so be it- better they be bent out of shape with you than have Lilly be negatively affected.
We don't have any family close by, so I don't have to worry about it as much, but I can relate to how you feel about it, I think. I can be such a people-pleasing pushover. It's hard for me to know how to be bolder, because I do care how I am perceived, more than I should care. So reading everyone's advice here was good for me, too, for when it inevitably does come up.
I was leading a meeting at church a few weeks ago (a weekly thing - not a special event or anything), and Sammy had fallen asleep on my shoulder. (Church is 3 hours long, so he always falls asleep at some point while we are there.) A friend asked if she could hold him so I wouldn't have to. I told her that I didn't know if he would stay asleep, but I handed him off anyway, even though I didn't really want to and I knew he would be better off staying asleep on my shoulder. And he woke up right away. So I decided that, from now on, I needed to be braver to do what I know is better for him. Then a couple weeks ago we were at a different event, and my friend kept taking him from me or my husband. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder, and when she tried to come take him again, I told her I needed to keep him because he was asleep. I still felt bad and hoped I hadn't hurt her feelings, but I was glad I had decided in advance what I would do in that situation, because it made it a lot easier. And I don't think I came off rude or anything.
I think Maine hit the nail on the head. Exactly. I think your mom will be the hardest because it seems she doesn't think you are able to do this yourself so she feels she has to step in and do it for you. Just tell her you've got this and keep on saying it. It will be hard at first and likely it will get worse before better but just stick to your guns, she is your daughter and if you have to be perceived as a "B" for doing your job as mom so be it. Like was said you don't have to be nasty. THAT would be being a "B" what you are asking for isn't