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Forum: May 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
September 4th, 2013, 05:40 PM
Brock's minion
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 1,120
Maybe this is all normal...but is new to me!

My husband works so hard for us, he never gets home until after six, has a shower and goes right to baby/daddy time. I feel like for those few hours I don't even exist, Brock sits in the kitchen with us during dinner so we don't talk much to each other then. By the time Brock is sleeping its 8:30 and we are both zonked, maybe a quick tv show or a bowl of ice cream is as far as we get. We make time to DTD a few times a week but, it seems like we are a shell of the two crazy for each other people we were just a few months ago. Don't get me wrong I adore ever breath my baby takes but I am alone with him all day. Please tell me it gets better.... Maybe we are just in the adjustment period...maybe I'm whacko and should be glad to have a husband that makes special time...I don't know what to think.
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  #2  
September 4th, 2013, 05:53 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: California
Posts: 561
I feel you. That's a HUGE part of why we are moving to a two bedroom apartment this weekend. My husband gets home at 5:45 and then it's dinner and baby time for him until Wyatt goes to sleep at 8:00. Then we just go to bed ourselves since Wyatt's "nursery" is in our living room. So that gives up about 2 hours a day- just to SEE each other. It sucks. Especially since we've only been married for a year. So the two bedroom will hopefully open up more time for US. Put the baby down in his room and then we can get an hour and a half of time with just each other.

We HAVE to figure out how to keep up the relationships with our significant others. We may feel bad about wanting time 'without' baby- but it's actually the best thing we can do FOR baby.

I'm with you and hope things will smooth out and adjust.

Hugs!!
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  #3  
September 4th, 2013, 05:54 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,621
It's hard for sure. It does completely change the dynamic between the two of you for awhile. But eventually you do get back to having more time for just the two of you. Is there any way you could get a babysitter or have a friend or family watch the baby for you on a weekend or something?
Seems like you might just be coming to a natural place in your mommy/baby relationship like I did with my first, where you go from being all baby to wanting to recapture what you had together as a couple. For the first couple months I was just totally zoned in on Ethan. It was all baby, all the time and he was my whole world. Then my husband kind of went hey, I'm still here, don't leave me out, and I sort of realized I needed to make time for him. Maybe your husband is still in the "all baby" zone and needs to be reminded that you need him too.
Seems like it can be a lonely job to be a stay at home mom. If I didn't have friends that lived close by and didn't have internet, I'd be so crazy right now hah.

What will eventually happen for you is, Brock will get to sleeping more soundly at night, and you'll be able to have a little more energy during the day (sometimes you have to plan for that the day before by going to bed early), and although sometimes you have to schedule it, you can have a little more time for just the two of you. It's not necessarily something that happens naturally, so you might have to talk it out with your DH and let him know there's some tweaking necessary.

Something else that might be good is a mom/baby group, if you can find one nearby. I think sometimes our husbands get faced with all our social needs because we're at home most of the time. You might be able to get some of those needs met elsewhere and not feel so alone during the day.
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Last edited by EverydayJoy; September 4th, 2013 at 05:56 PM.
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  #4  
September 4th, 2013, 06:10 PM
Brock's minion
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 1,120
Quote:
Originally Posted by EverydayJoy View Post

Something else that might be good is a mom/baby group, if you can find one nearby. I think sometimes our husbands get faced with all our social needs because we're at home most of the time. You might be able to get some of those needs met elsewhere and not feel so alone during the day.
Joy that is so smart of you to mention. Now that I'm a SAHM I probably do rely on him for my social stimulation. Guess I better get out of the house some more and enjoy my friends. I guess it's time to learn how to be this version of myself, I was so use to the old version.
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  #5  
September 4th, 2013, 06:10 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
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It's hard, and I feel for you. I'm in a very similar situation. My husband gets home at 4:40pm, and then it's just a whirlwind of activity all evening, keeping the girls on their routine. He puts Lilah to bed, he takes her up around 8pm, and he usually falls asleep in our bed while putting her to bed, so I don't see him after that. I'm left down here alone, waiting up until 9 when I can pump. It's very lonely and super hard.

The thing that I find that helps during the day is friends. I have 2 good friends who are in my situation - actually my husband works with one of my friends husbands, so we're in pretty identical situations, and we both have 3 kids who are very close in age. We have playdates every week, and honestly, I think it's more for us than our kids! Even still, I find myself super lonely during the day sometimes, and lately overwhelmed as well with three kids - Lilah is a very needy baby, and getting my oldest dropped off at school in the morning is a challenge when all Lilah wants is to be held and isn't happy anywhere longer than 5 min.

ANYWAY. Sorry, got off on a little rant. I'm super tired. I know how you feel, it IS hard, it does get easier once they're out of the baby phase I find. I find the baby phase the hardest by far.
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  #6  
September 4th, 2013, 06:21 PM
Shufu_in_Shunan's Avatar Padawan Kim
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Yamaguchi, Japan
Posts: 542
I can definitely relate. My husband works 12 p.m. to 9 p.m. shifts, but with travel time he's gone from 11 a.m. until 10 p.m. on his work days. Since his schedule is like that, he usually has to spend his days off doing errands. His mornings before work are spent making his breakfast and lunch for the day, and then he has about two hours after work before bed, which is spent making dinner, then spending what little time and energy he has left relaxing while browsing online and spending time with me and the baby. On top of that, I don't know many people around here, so he and Kaeldra are usually the only human interactions I have in person. It was even worse the first month or so after Kaeldra was born because we were sleeping in separate rooms so I wouldn't disturb him in the middle of the night. It felt like we never saw each other at all.
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  #7  
September 5th, 2013, 12:01 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: TEXAS!
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I don't mean this to brag at all, but I am grateful every single day that my husband and I are both home with the baby and that, until now, either my mom or dad have been around to help. I don't know how you stay at home moms do it. I feel overwhelmed with two parents and one baby in the house... if I were alone all day, everyday??? I don't even know what that would look like. My mom had a really hard time with me and after about 6 months started taking me to a daycare a couple of days a week for part of the day and she found that really helpful. I wish I had some kind of useful advice to give you, but I don't, really, so I'm glad others have been able to do that. I just wanted to tell you that this is a totally normal way to feel and that I'm positive it will get better.
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  #8  
September 5th, 2013, 08:15 AM
LabLover13's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Marysville, WA
Posts: 307
MrsB...you're DTDing a few times a week???

Claire is still in our room, partly because I love having her so close and partly because she sleeps decently in there in her swing. I know at some point we'll have to move her to her nursery/crib, but I'm kind of waiting until fall hits and the weather cools down a bit (her room gets really warm). Anywho, having her in our room makes DTD kind of stressful. I find myself keeping one ear open for her to wake up (she's a super light sleeper). My poor hubby.

We have a similar situation with schedules. I work 4 am to 1:30 pm, and hubs works 7 am to 7 pm. On the days we both work, he gets home at 7:30 and basically has time to change clothes and eat dinner before I go to bed.

We basically have Thursday and Friday afternoons and all day Saturday together...but it's hunting season, so he's usually gone on Saturdays. We're like two ships passing in the night!

I'm hoping it gets better/easier once Claire is in her own room, and hunting season is over so he's home more on the weekends. I can tell it's going to take some work to make sure we commit time to each other.
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  #9  
September 5th, 2013, 11:03 AM
May 2013 Cohost
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Yeah, spending time together is even harder when you have more than one. We're just both so exhausted at the end of the day, it's all we can do to just watch a show together! Plus I usually end up catching up at night, like paying bills, laundry, planning family stuff...it's hard.
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  #10  
September 5th, 2013, 11:30 AM
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I am just amazed that you at least DTD a few days a week!!!! Maybe it's because DH and I are older (I'm 37, he's 42) or that we both work full-time, are in the process of renovating our new house, and have a 4-year-old, but we've DTD ONCE in the last 3.5 months. It's pretty pathetic.
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  #11  
September 5th, 2013, 11:36 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 508
MrsB, everyone gave you a good advice. But I just wanted to add to socializing part, definitely get together with other moms. I joined a meetup.com group and I try to go to play dates which helped me a lot. My stand works seven days a week, and is ever home before 11 pm. He leaves in the morning and I stay home alone with the kids. There are days where I pull my hair out and bang my head in the wall... No joke. At least you get a break from Brock in the evenings,... And as Joy said, soon enough, he'll be sleeping through the night and you'll have more time for you and your hubs.

Oh... And DDT a few times a weeK? Pshhh.. We did it once since we had the baby..

Rhea, you're so lucky!! But how do you guys pay the rent and afford food if you're both at home? #mindyourownbusinessdana
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  #12  
September 5th, 2013, 12:52 PM
Memi's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4,966
Joy has great advice! I felt the same way when DS1 was this age which is why DH talked me into going back to work before I really wanted to when he was 4 1/2 months old. I was begging for his conversation and presence bc I was starting to feel so lonely. I would have loved having some friends who also SAH that had LOs. I think that would have really saved my sanity. Try to take time to do things for yourself in the evening when your DH has baby time and date nights even if theyre at home.
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  #13  
September 5th, 2013, 03:22 PM
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We haven't DTD at ALL since having Lilah! How pathetic is THAT?! The last 2 nights DH has tried to put the moves on, only to get shot down. I am definitely starting to feel bad because he's been super super SUPER patient with me.

I don't want to do it for a few reasons: - I'm tired, very tired, Lilah is still in our room and once that baby is sleeping we do NOT want to wake her up, and because I'm self conscious about my lady parts now that I've had 3 kids.....I don't know what it's going to be like for him but I'm terrified it's just a big gaping hole now, lol. I'm so paranoid. Anyway, I think tonight may be the night because eventually I need to say yes. Ugh, don't want to.
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  #14  
September 5th, 2013, 03:22 PM
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We haven't DTD at ALL since having Lilah! How pathetic is THAT?! The last 2 nights DH has tried to put the moves on, only to get shot down. I am definitely starting to feel bad because he's been super super SUPER patient with me.

I don't want to do it for a few reasons: - I'm tired, very tired, Lilah is still in our room and once that baby is sleeping we do NOT want to wake her up, and because I'm self conscious about my lady parts now that I've had 3 kids.....I don't know what it's going to be like for him but I'm terrified it's just a big gaping hole now, lol. I'm so paranoid. Anyway, I think tonight may be the night because eventually I need to say yes. Ugh, don't want to.
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  #15  
September 5th, 2013, 11:04 PM
May 2013 Cohost
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,579
Ok, so glad you posted that Erin - I'm in the exact same boat as you!! I have absolutely no desire, I'm exhausted, and don't even remotely feel sexy. Lexi is still in our room and I'm not comfortable DTD with her in there!
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  #16  
September 6th, 2013, 04:24 AM
LabLover13's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Marysville, WA
Posts: 307
My husband always wants to make out while the baby is just hanging out in her swing, staring at us. I'm like...that's weird. SHE'S LOOKING AT US! IT'S INAPPROPRIATE!
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  #17  
September 6th, 2013, 06:18 AM
misty3281's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Louisiana
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Our situation was similar until I finally said something. DH complained in the beginning about the all baby all the time stuff, but she is my first and I was doing what I thought I needed to for her. Then he backed off and started relying less on me and more on his photography. He loves editing pictures and making videos. It worked well until a few weeks ago when I started being able to put Avery down more. That's when I realized I was spending my days in the rocker with her and he was at the computer with photos for hours and we saw each other at bedtime for DTD. So we talked and worked it out for our situation. I would say if you haven't yet, talk to him and work out something so that even if it's one night a week, Brock goes to sleep and the two of you watch a movie or have a glass of wine together or something. The big thing is talking to him. He may not even realize you're wanting more time with him. My DH didn't know I was ready for us to reconnect until I told him I wanted to.
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  #18  
September 6th, 2013, 07:08 AM
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With 10 kiddos, we don't have sitters or grandparents to watch, so we've learned to just make time for each other during the day/evening. Whenever. My hubby didn't like spending so much time away at work, so he quit his job and we started our own business. It has been a blessing. He is around more, and can take a little one to a job with him. It's scary, but sometimes if work is taking to much time away, look at changing it a bit. Just even take a walk, go to a park. You can sit on a swing and swing with baby, chat with other moms, etc. Just good for the soul. You could also look at volunteering. The food pantrys are always looking for people to help. Put babe in a sling, and stock some shelves . Make sure you get out with baby. Having a baby doesn't mean you need to be home all the time. Baby can sleep in a sling, stroller, your arms, wherever. Most of them are to little to have a set nap time. Enjoy them when they are this young and mobile. Not sure if that helps.
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  #19  
September 6th, 2013, 07:13 AM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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@ Erin---I think you should go for it! Maybe have the bassinet in the hallway or something so you have a little less anxiety about waking her up. I betcha your hubby really does NOT care at this point what things look or feel like--he will probably just be happy to have some lovin'. Throw the dog a bone!
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  #20  
September 6th, 2013, 09:14 AM
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^ Yeah....I should, but I didn't! He put Lilah to bed at 8pm and fell asleep himself, so that was my out for last night!
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