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When I got my job 3 years ago, another lady was hired at the same time. We immediately clicked because we had so much in common from our birthdays being 2 days apart to our weird hobbies and the way we start projects and never finish them. She's 15 years older than me. She was very supportive when I had my two losses last year, but with this pregnancy, she's totally MIA. She barely listens when I try to talk about my appointments or the baby. We don't eat lunch anymore. She doesn't visit my classroom like she used to. She's kind of just disappeared from my life, and I've got to say it hurts that she's not there for me anymore. I don't know if she's just not into pregnancy, but I suspect that's the case because she had a friend who was pregnant last year and she would tell me how much she didn't want to hear about everything. Ugh. It's just sad and disappointing that someone I thought was a real friend really isn't.
I sympathize with the situation of losing a friend, and this might be an unpopular standpoint, but here goes: I think it's important to respect people's boundaries when it comes to talking about these things. If you already know straight from her that she isn't into hearing about every pregnancy detail, then it's something you need to be aware of when talking to her. I know how hard it is to NOT talk about it, since it's on your mind pretty much constantly (especially when you have complications). One of my really close friends is totally grossed out by pregnancy, and I knew early on that if I really wanted to maintain the friendship, I'd have to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum.
The point I really want to make is that it doesn't mean she isn't a "real friend" or that she is ready to end your friendship. She supported you through two losses and that is significant. I think you have options to reconcile/continue the relationship, but only if you aren't harboring the attitude that she did something to you. Only you can decide if that's what you want, but it sounds like it might be something worth working for in this case.
I thought my partner at work was a true friend but have found out over the last year or two that she really isn't a friend at all. It sucks. I catch myself starting to share things with her like I would have in the past and having to stop because I know she will use it against me the first chance it fits her needs to do so.
Is she interested if the topic is something other than pregnancy? Maybe that just touches a raw nerve for her or something. I'm sorry that your friendship has changed. Sadly, that's part of life sometimes. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.
If she was unable to have kids she probably related to loss more. I admit I wasn't always the greatest friend when my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn't. it may be selfish, but she may have heartache preventing her from being a good friend. I hope things turn around.
She has two teenagers which is probably why she's completely over the pregnancy thing. We have so much in common and before I was pregnant we could just talk for hours. Maybe our age difference has caught up with us.
Sometimes friendships just change. People loose common interests, especially when you work with them and see them everyday. I have had people at my job that I used to talk to everyday and hang out at lunch with but I have lost interest in them for one reason or another. Sometimes you really get to know someone and like that person when you first start working with them then after a while you realize they aren't the person you thought they where or you start to see a different side of that person you didnt know at first. The realationship just gets old, especially in a work environment where there is competition all the time and GOSSIP.
I think that sometimes the age difference CAN catch up with you. My best friend for more than 10 years was/is 10 years older than me. We were close when I was a teenager and she was a mid-20's. She lived next to me and ran a daycare out of her home. I was there literally every single day to help with the kids after school and we would do all kinds of things together. Heck, I was even present at her second birth (she had a son when I met her) and am her third child's god mother. But time passed and now, years later, she has teenagers (or near-teenagers) and I am still in the pregnancy stage of life. We just don't have a lot in common anymore. I only talk to her about once a month and even then, it is kinda just random stuff. Its hard for me to relate to her new life-stage (working outside the home, doing homecoming/graduation) and I think it is equally hard for her to relate to my pregnancy and early-childhood things.
It is okay to let the friendship drop or go into hibernation for a while. It is completely possible that things will improve when she feels she can relate to you again. It is also possible that the friendship is not one meant to last. That is okay too. If it really is important for you to keep it going, maybe use some of the suggestions of reaching out to her in ways you used to be able to. Or even just address it "Hey, I know you aren't into the pregnancy thing. When this kid pops out, maybe we could catch dinner out and catch up with each other." She might feel equally as awkward about the loss of the relationship, but might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable addressing it (for fear of hurting you or sounding insensitive).
That said, it is super-hard to have someone so close to you disappear at a time you feel you could use their sanity/support. It can feel personal and hurtful. I do totally understand why you feel slighted and like she bailed on the friendship.
You know what they say: some friends come for a season, others for a reasons, and some for a lifetime. Definitely been the case with me and many of my friends. Completely normal.
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DD born in September 2011
Baby due in May 2013
Ashlee, everything you said makes perfect sense to me. It hurts, but it isn't detrimental to my life and well-being. I think I'm just going to let it go and move on. I'm one who believes friendship should be easy breezy. This one isn't anymore, so it can end. She's just a season.
I have also found this! I try not to only talk about being pregnant to people who I think aren't interested (even though its on y mind all the time!) but still find that I have drifted from people who are in a different stage of their lives. I also find that people have just stopped inviting us to do things as they assume we wont want to come, which is so not true! We are really trying to do as much as we can before the baby arrives. Really irritating to find we have been left out of stuff just because we are pregnant. Oh well, I suppose we will just make a new set of friends with more in common when the baby comes.
I have also found this! I try not to only talk about being pregnant to people who I think aren't interested (even though its on y mind all the time!) but still find that I have drifted from people who are in a different stage of their lives. I also find that people have just stopped inviting us to do things as they assume we wont want to come, which is so not true! We are really trying to do as much as we can before the baby arrives. Really irritating to find we have been left out of stuff just because we are pregnant. Oh well, I suppose we will just make a new set of friends with more in common when the baby comes.
It's easier to be friends with someone who is at the same stage as you. We aren't super social people as it is. I have very few close friends, but we are tight. I guess this is just life.
I lost one of my best friends when I had DS. It hurt me so badly. She lives 15 min away from me and made zero effort to hang out with me and baby at my house. It was difficult for me to get out, so I thought she would make an effort. (Previously, I had been the one to always go over to her house). I became a stay at home Mom and she continued working. Oh, we got together for dinners occasionally, but I never felt like she was interested in my son. But the odd thing was she was always lavishing her other friends's babies/kids with attention and did a better job of keeping in touch with them. For the longest time I was so worried about it, tried to analyze it, fix it, etc...but in the end I felt like I was doing more than her to try to repair/maintain the friendship. I was so stressed out about it until I finally let it go last summer...if she wants to resume a friendship, I am open to it but will no longer make the first effort. And although I'm sad the friendship didn't continue (we were very close), it feels liberating to not worry about it now.
She has two teenagers which is probably why she's completely over the pregnancy thing. We have so much in common and before I was pregnant we could just talk for hours. Maybe our age difference has caught up with us.
Maybe she wishes her his were babies again. You get attention when pregnant, but once you have teenagers it is not as exciting. There really could be millions of reasons for her behavior.
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