i don't even know how to write this. its too sad to make it a reality.
this is a big deal to me...and i will get to THAT in a bit.
avelina (avi) is now going on 11 months! in a week. yay! and we are pretty much still exclusively breastfeeding. i am trying to give her food now, but she STILL would rather drink the boob. it bothers me NONE.
except, that she's very clingy to me. and me only. when i go to work, for the entire time i am away, she'll cry. i even hide and pretend to be gone, and she'll cry, and once she sees me...she turns purple until i hold her (she'll stop breathing!)
i've never had to deal with that. caliah was more independent from me, but she was still and still is, very clingy. but she's more of a daddy girl now...so hugo can tolerate that...plus, he likes that someone depends on him.
ok. well, caliah didn't want boob once she was 11 months...i tried it all. and well, she said NO...that was 6 years ago. i was devastated, but she wanted the bottle...so i still pumped for her.
well, now. hugo told me today that he would prefer it if i stopped bf'ing avi the day she turns a year. i dunno if he meant cold turkey take the boob away...or what. but he feels that it is very unhealthy for avi to be THAT clingy and attached to me...to the point where she stops breathing the second i come back from wherever i was. so i told him, maybe that's just her. i believe that even if i didn't give her the boob, she would still want ME. my logic, cali got breastfed as well...but she wasn't like avi...and my back up to that logic...because they are different.
and even when i was on bedrest while pregnant with avi, i could feel our bonding...our closeness. i've had this "feeling" since she was in utero. and even after she was born...as a teeny tiny newborn...i felt that closeness...like no one could ever invade what me and avi had...and i feel it is because of all the stuff i dealt while i was pregnant with her, and being confined to my bed with her in me...i dunno. maybe i am really out there, but i really believe that! and he doesn't want to hear it.
he told me that i need to stop bf'ing at a year old, because she already got the best nutrients, and it is now time for her to grow up! ***?! she's a YEAR OLD! not a 20 year old!!
it broke my heart.
i mean, ultimately. it's up to me, correct? it's not like he's going to cut out my breasts and dispose of them to make me stop...
but having that mentality from him makes me so sad. and, he admitted that he is jealous that avi can play with my breast, and not him...
while we were talking, i was feeding her, and when she was done, she started going AH AH AH AH AH AH on my boob...like what kids do with their hand and pat it on their mouth...well, she loves doing that, and i love that she does it. its the cutest thing!! but, he was just staring at her, (not in a bad way) and i teased saying he was jealous, and he said he was.
i'm just so heartbroken...
and the reason why this is a big deal, is because she's my last baby! and she still wants me that way...and caliah didn't. and i love bf'ing and i won't ever do it again. so what are a few more months? whereas he'll get
THEM once she'd done? my boobs still look fantastic, they're a wonderful size...and my bf'ing hasn't given them any stress...i'm proud of them...and i can't wait till i can use them for that pleasure of pleasing my man...but right now...my mind is on avi...and i am NOT ready to give that up! i've a lifetime of cuddling with hugo...and only months left of feeding avi.
why must he be selfish, and impatient? he's had them for 10 years!! and will again for my life!!
ok...sorry for being over dramatic. but i've no one to turn to, but you girls.
thank you.
I barely breastfed so can't really relate on a *personal* level to everything you said - but as a Mama, I can see why it is so important to you to have that closeness to your daughter & to make the most of this special experience between a Mum & her baby.
Just don't be like that lady who breastfeeds her 9 year old. EWWWW LOL
You are an awesome Mom Gracie, try not to let him get you down! HUGS!!
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