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Im angry and I feel like Im loosing my mind


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By Kalynas_Mom

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  #1  
October 17th, 2012, 11:31 AM
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Im angry because the joy of pregnancy is totally gone for me. This could possibly be my last pregnancy and I wish I could enjoy it instead of sit around and constantly worry. I know its not good to worry and I try to think positively...but I just can't help it. My US appt isn't until Oct 30th, so two more weeks. I called today and asked if I could have more BW done and they said I could if it would help ease my mind. So Im going to go tomorrow to do that and Im sure it will appease me for a few days but Im sure I will be right back where I am today - on pins and needles just praying this baby sticks.

I was so sick with my 16 week loss so even once morning sickness hits I doubt that will even give me any comfort. I heard the heartbeat and saw the heartbeat on an US with that pregnancy and never in my wildest dreams would have imagined of loosing that baby.

Sorry for being so negative...Im just scared It doesn't help things that so many of my close friends are pregnant and another close friend just went through a loss.

I know pretty many ladies have had losses in here. Have you had your rainbow baby yet? Any advice? Or will this be your rainbow baby??
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  #2  
October 17th, 2012, 11:47 AM
softbreeze's Avatar Super Mommy
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LindZ I know how your feeling. I too was pregnant and saw baby happy and sucking its thumb at my 14 week US and then wham two weeks later baby was gone. No reason just gone. I had a really hard time with that as well. But I did have a rainbow baby after that. My youngest dd was born perfectly healthy when I conceived next. But I too am terrified now because this is our last baby and I just don't know if I could try again if this baby doesn't stick. I just don't think I could handle it again. I just really want to be able to relax and enjoy this last pregnancy as well. I will be sending prayers your way so we can both enjoy this amazing time.
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  #3  
October 17th, 2012, 11:51 AM
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I love hearing stories of people having their rainbow babies after a later loss, it gives me hope! I had a chemical pregnancy the next time we tried after the 16 week loss so I sort of feel broken, and half expecting my body to fail me again. Prayers to you as well and hopefully we can help each other through this!
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  #4  
October 17th, 2012, 11:55 AM
softbreeze's Avatar Super Mommy
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Oh Hun, I am feeling so sad for you, I wish I could say something that would help ease your fears even a little bit. You used the word broken and that is the best explanation of how a person feels after these happen. I have full faith that your body will not fail you and you will have a healthy pregnancy this time. I'm here anytime at all if you want to freak out!!
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  #5  
October 17th, 2012, 01:02 PM
edgeofelise's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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  #6  
October 17th, 2012, 01:20 PM
8miraclez's Avatar Formerly Halfbaked
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I understand your feelings. Even though I've had a rainbow baby, I still feel like the innocence of everything being ok is gone. Try to just take it day by day and enjoy being pregnant right now.
Have you been on the Pregnancy and motherhood after loss board? Lots of ladies there know exactly what you're going through.
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  #7  
October 17th, 2012, 03:59 PM
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Thanks ladies. Rebecca, I forgot about that place. I probably should post things like this there. Im feeling better, I guess I just had an emotional moment earlier today.
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  #8  
October 17th, 2012, 04:02 PM
Kalynas_Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
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Take what I have to say with a grain of salt because my loss at 7 weeks is much different then a loss at 16 weeks.
With DD I didn't know I was pregnant for months. I continued smoking and drinking (I was 20 and in party mode). So pretty much I did everything wrong right from the beginning. With the last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage I did everything right, almost to a fault because I was obsessive and paranoid....and it happened.

I think the only way I am going to make it through this pregnancy is to constantly remind myself that I'm not doing anything wrong and I absolutely cannot control the outcome. Other than following regular pregnancy "rules" there are no guarantees, ever. I think if anything it has just taught me to be thankful for what I do have, and every day that I am pregnant and still carrying a baby. I refuse to get bloodwork done, I won't take any more pregnancy tests and I don't want to have an ultrasound until i'm close to 12 weeks. Its hard but I have for the most part managed to keep my anxiety and anger under control. I have decided to just "let go and let God" (now i'm not particularly religious but I do believe that things happen for a reason so God can really just be replaced with any higher power if you believe things occur because they are supposed to)

Anyway i'm rambling. I really hope your able to relax and enjoy the ride, regardless where you end up
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  #9  
October 17th, 2012, 05:44 PM
enchantingdragon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im so sorry for your loss, I cant imagine losing a baby that late into the pregnancy. I lost my first at only 5 weeks or so and I was devastated so 16 weeks is unimaginable. My son was my rainbow baby, born 2 years later though as the first pregnancy was a surprise and unplanned. I actually bled at 6 weeks with my son which sent me into a panic like no other. I got an ultrasound and blood work and there he was happy as can be. I continued to bleed for 7 more weeks, heavy like a period, and I was beside myself with worry, I went frequently for blood draws and ultrasound checks (loved my Dr) and everytime there he was fine and dandy. At 13 weeks the bleeding stopped no one could explain it but my son is 2 now and perfect as can be. So even though Im actually a little nervous this time around Im trying to stay positive with the idea that in the end no matter what God knows what He is doing and I just need to trust Him. I hope your appointment comes soon and you find some peace with your growing bean. Its so hard when they are so small and we cant feel them or know they are in there safe.
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  #10  
October 17th, 2012, 05:51 PM
BlessednHighlyFavored's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Lindz I can rrelate to you. I had a stillbirth and a chemical. If you ever want to talk I am here. I posted I think in the oct. chit chat something very similar to what you're saying about having moment of not being excited.
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  #11  
October 17th, 2012, 06:02 PM
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I haven't had a loss but boy am I emotional. Huge hugs!
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  #12  
October 17th, 2012, 06:19 PM
overlinmommy17's Avatar Super Mommy
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Im so sorry for your loss.....we are here for you in any way. Hang tight.... I'm praying for pace for you and reassurance......XOXO

*peace***** sorry for the typo.
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  #13  
October 17th, 2012, 06:27 PM
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Thank you all for sharing your stories! You all have really made me feel better. Even just someone understanding or just listening helps so much. I went to dinner with some girl friends tonight and I told them how I asked to have bloodwork again and I think they think I'm crazy. Two of them are pregnant and one of them kinda laughed. So thank you all for letting me vent and not making me feel like I'm going off the deep end.
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  #14  
October 17th, 2012, 09:10 PM
MrsNHigh's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have spent the better parrot this pregnancy worrying due to my two losses in March and June of this year. Neither was as far along as you were, but both were so painful. I think your fear, anxiety, paranoia, and anger are all perfectly normal. My fil suggested to dh that I get counseling....no amount of talking it out will truly ease my fear and anxiety. Seeing a baby with a heartbeat is the only thing that soothes me. You heal however you can. There isn't a manual for this kind of thing...it is barely discussed in places outside of forums such as this, which is just a shame. We will all get our rainbow babies this time around! I pray time flies for you, so you can get the reassurance you need.
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  #15  
October 17th, 2012, 09:29 PM
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I don't have any words that will make your worry go away, but hopefully it helps some to know that you are not alone. I had a miscarriage three years ago this month, I was about 12 weeks along. I was devastated. Then I got pregnant with my son on the very next cycle- I was so blessed to get my rainbow baby so fast. That pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster for me, as I imagine this one is for you. I don't think there is any getting around the fact that pregnancy after loss is hard and emotional, but you have us to vent too whenever you need it.
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  #16  
October 18th, 2012, 08:42 AM
princess136's Avatar Super Mommy
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I feel almost the same as you. I do go into panic mode several times a day but then I have to tell myself, what will be, will be. Now that doesn't make me feel 100% better or anything, but it keeps the pure terror from creeping up to full fledged craziness and paranoia. My loss was at 9.5 weeks but I had never had one before. Two beauitiful daughters so I never imagined a miscarriage would happen to me.

If the BW makes you feel better and at ease, then do it everyday if you need to. Don't worry about what anybody, pregnant or not pregnant, thinks. Only you know the emotional pain you have suffered and I am all for doing things to make yourself feel better.

Good luck to you and I hope you find a little peace with all of our words today.
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