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How involved is your SO with appointments etc?


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
November 4th, 2012, 10:22 PM
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Hey ladies...I was just wondering how involved everyone's SO is with your pregnancy, appointments, etc. I understand some SO's get less involved after the first child but I'm kind of wondering what it was like with them during your first.

I've been having horrible pains off and on this past week, and my Dr wants to see me first thing in the morning. I initially told my boyfriend that I didn't care if he came to every appointment, but I really wanted him to be there for the first ultrasound, the gender, any appointment that was scheduled to make sure nothing was wrong(emergency), and obviously the birth. All those other check ups I didn't really think it was necessary for him to be there since our work schedules clash, so it's tough lining stuff up.

Anyways I was supposed to have my first ultrasound on tuesday but since I've been having these pains the nurse said they'll probably do one tomorrow. SO has agreed to go but he said he's wants to hang out in the waiting room. I mentioned if they did a u/s that I would really like him to be back with me and he said, well I'm sure I'll get another chance to see it.

So I don't know what to think. I don't know how normal it is for guys to just be ehh whatever about all of this. I also know we had a rough weekend, between his car breaking down, work, and my not feeling great. We also are both stressed. I guess he will need a "new" car soon, but if he has to do a payment plan then that means we probably won't be able to afford our own place like we had planned. We were looking to make the move in another 2 months. So now I'm stressing about that because while I'm finishing up school I'm living at my mom's 20 minutes away from where he's at. He is allowed to stay here, but it's too far of a drive to his school then (1hr plus one way), not to mention the 20 minute drive to work early in the morning, then back to shower, then the commute to school at 5pm. So the chances of that happening are slim which has me freaking out that he won't be here for me. At the moment he pays rent at his parents, but that house is in no way a place a baby should stay. And neither of us can handle his mom/stepdad for long periods of time, plus even though he pays rent, they complain about EVERYTHING he does...laundry, showers, putting too much food in the fridge etc.

Sorry for this post turned rant. My hormones are currently in overdrive. The boyfriend went to bed early for the first time since i don't know when, so I didn't get a chance to talk to him too much. I'm freaking out about my appointment tomorrow that something might be wrong, and now I'm freaking out at how nearly EVERYTHING we had planned is not working out in our favor at the moment.
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  #2  
November 5th, 2012, 02:32 AM
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I'm so sorry

It sounds like maybe he's just super stressed, and that can definitely impact a lot of things in our life. I would certainly talk to him, though, and tell him exactly how you feel. Hopefully things calm down for you all a bit and get less stressful!

To answer the question, mine has gone to the 2 appointments I've had.
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  #3  
November 5th, 2012, 02:55 AM
mommy220's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't really get the point of him going to the appointment if he is going to wait in the waiting room? I would be annoyed by that, if he's going to take the time to go, then he needs to actually go with you.

I have been to one appointment by myself. The next is the ultrasound and we are trying to figure out how to have DH go. I work 45 minutes away from my doctor's and my daughter goes to school like 40 minutes away so it is a long story but he would have to pick her up and miss the ultrasound unless we figure something out. Also, then she would find out and that wasn't how I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her right before Thanksgiving when we would give her the big sister shirt to announce. BUT, my dh said he REALLY wanted to go to the appointment so I am sure we will figure something out. He is going to do like you said, come to all the important appointments and ultrasounds but not every little appt. It is harder right now because he works for my dad and we haven't told my parents or our daughter so we are still going to appointments secretly...
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  #4  
November 5th, 2012, 03:53 AM
rcjh12's Avatar Nicole
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Sounds like a very stressful situation for both of you =\ Try to stay as relaxed as possible, which I know is harder than it sounds. My husband just found out he will probably be laid off for the entire month of December, so I definitely understand things not going as planned suddenly. You just have to try and figure out a way to make things work, because stress is the last thing you need right now

As for appointments, with my first my husband only missed one appointment, with my second he missed a couple. All because of work conflicts. And I was okay with the ones he missed. With this one, because this time around I'm high risk, he's going to ALL of them. He did miss one of my first blood draws, but I was in and out and that was no big deal. I just made sure he knows that I need his support and, you know, he had a hand in making this baby, too
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  #5  
November 5th, 2012, 05:25 AM
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DH went to a few appointment with my DS1, and none except the anatomy scan at 20 weeks with DS2, because of work conflicts. He's coming with me to my U/S today, but I can't say for sure if he'll be coming to any of my other appointments. It can be hard to line up a babysitter for the boys, or if DH is at school. And come January he'll be back to working full time and who knows if he'll ever get a chance to come. I don't really mind too much.
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  #6  
November 5th, 2012, 05:41 AM
Kalynas_Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
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Sorry your having a rough time. DH really didn't come to any appointments with DD except my 12 week scan and my 20 week one. He felt awkward and uncomfortable at both ultrasounds (he didn't really "see" the baby and until he saw her in real life was not attached). Any emergency ultrasounds i've had i've gone alone because I didn't want him to miss work and they have never let him in to any of those because an ultrasound tech is not "supposed" to divulge information (even my other ultrasounds he was only allowed to come in for a minute at the end of the scan).
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  #7  
November 5th, 2012, 05:46 AM
TeresaV's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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DH went to my first appointment (which included an US). I told him not to worry about making the normal monthly appointments, mostly because it would require him to leave work early. We don't have the money for him to leave work all the time. I have a regular monthly check up next Monday, which I told him not to worry about. He'll be at the NT scan I'm sure.
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  #8  
November 5th, 2012, 05:56 AM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My husband goes to the first scan to hear the heartbeat, the NT scan and the anatomy scan. The rest of them, I don't really care if he attends. I would rather he save his time off for when the baby is born.

It sounds like he doesn't really know what to expect and is super stressed. DH wanted to be in the room for the sono, then sit in the waiting room while I went back to see the Dr. She wouldn't have it and brought him back, too so he could ask questions etc.
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  #9  
November 5th, 2012, 06:27 AM
BeccaMenk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Dh didnt come to any of my appointments with my first. He didnt even go to the ultrasounds. We did arrange an early gender ultrasound at 16 weeks at a special place and he went to that. We both loved that and will do it again this time. He will be gping to all my ultrasounds this time because i have ds and need help with him for those. They dont do anything really at the regular checks but listen to baby and sometimes blood work...so no big deal.
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  #10  
November 5th, 2012, 06:34 AM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
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It's tricky to find that balance in involvement. With all that is going on in my relationship, I really wasn't sure how involved he would be... he came to my first appt and waited in the waiting room for all of the maintenance stuff, but came back for the ultrasound. Unfortunately, he is not able to be at tomorrow's ultrasound because he is out of town for work, but he will be at the Nov 14 one.

I don't need him at every appt, I think that could get tiresome for everyone quick. My ex-husband was at the gender ultrasounds for our two, but not at any others. That was upsetting! But those quick monthly appts or the glucose tests, etc- I don't need him at all of those!

Good luck navigating it!
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  #11  
November 5th, 2012, 07:30 AM
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My should didn't attend any appts with first dd mostly because he was away at work for majority of my pregnancy. He came to one us with second dd again he was gone for alot of it and so far went to our first us with this one. I don't think it's nessasary for him to go to any that aren't super important like US's.
I really hope your living situation sorts out how you guys want it to, that's a lot of unneeded stress for you both. I wish you guys all the very best.
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  #12  
November 5th, 2012, 08:09 AM
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DH was super into all the ultrasounds and stuff with my first pregnancy. This being my third...well, he's just not that into it anymore. LOL! Plus, I worked during my last 2 pregnancies, so the doctor appointments were easy to do. Now that I'm a SAHM, I need him to come home and watch the kids during the longer appointments like the ones with the pap smears and ultrasounds. We will probably go pay to have a for fun ultrasound done later on and bring the kids so they can see the baby.
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  #13  
November 5th, 2012, 08:09 AM
phantomsgrl11's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Dh went to all with our first. He came to all the fertility doc appointments but now will only go for big ones. It was easy with the first because we didn't need a babysitter. Plus he doesn't need to see my weight every few weeks like last time. Oy embarressing.
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  #14  
November 5th, 2012, 09:17 AM
enchantingdragon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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DH came to as many appointments as he could for Drake. This time around Im not sure what we will do as its hard to find time to go to them and he is a teacher so he cant take off all the time but on the other hand without him I have to take my son with me and its not easy then too Im sure. We went to our first appointment today and he basically took care of Drake the whole time and only came in to see the heartbeat and the talk with the Dr. Im not sure what we will do as time goes on
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  #15  
November 5th, 2012, 09:27 AM
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To address the OP, if he's in the hallway or the waiting room or whatever, he is still being there for you. He'll have the option to change his mind and view the ultrasound if he decides he wants to. It could very well be that he is as scared as you are and avoidance is his way of coping. That's not necessarily the mature response on his part, but trying to argue with him really won't help either of you.

Good luck with your u/s, I hope you will update and let us know!
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  #16  
November 5th, 2012, 09:59 AM
CartersMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Awe hun sounds like a super stressful situation. I am very sorry. I would say let him be as involved as he wants... pushing him will probably make it worse ((HUGS))

My DH is as involved as he possibly can be you know minus carrying the baby and all LOL. We are hugely blessed that his work schedule is 4 10-12 hour days and he has three days off per week so he comes to all appointments. I do not think he missed but one appointment between my two boys and never an ultrasound. If he had to miss we work it out until he is avaliable to go..... I just don't feel right being in there minus him It is hard with all these extra appointments he has tons of sick time that cant be taken after baby but can be taken for the appointments (DUMB).
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  #17  
November 5th, 2012, 11:04 AM
Mom2LillieAidan's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Being that this is BF's first baby, I know he wants to be there for everything, but with his work schedule, I just don't see it happening. I know he'll definitely make sure he can go to the first u/s and definitely the gender scan, plus he went with me for proof of pregnancy (for medicaid) but that was in and out and the only appointment I've had so far.
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  #18  
November 5th, 2012, 11:50 AM
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Maybe he feels weird about you being in there with a probe in your hooha and him sitting right there. My husband was weirded out by that at first but then he just made jokes about it before the doc came in, so he was fine after that.

He came with me for the first ultrasound appointment. I told him I wanted him there in case something was wrong, or if they found twins. After that first appt, I'm more ok with him not being there. I would love for him to come to the anatomy scan, but I'm not sure if he'll be there this time. He said "I don't NEED to see the ultrasounds". Men are weird.....I'm so excited at any chance to see my baby!! I think if we were gonna find out the gender, he'd come to the anatomy scan this time. He gets 2 personal days a year for work, and he used 1 for my ultrasound, so we'll see. With my 1st pregnancy, he came to the initial ultrasound, the anatomy scan, and one of my last appts when they checked me (he was off for the summer for that last appt).
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  #19  
November 5th, 2012, 11:58 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
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Just because he isn't physically in the room with you doesn't mean he's not involved and thinking about you. With my first, DH came to every appointment. I set them at convenient times for his work, since he worked 45 minutes away from my OB. The second time, he had just switched jobs close to home, but I chose a midwife's office 45 minutes away from home. With a new job, he just didn't have the time off to take for regular appointments. He went to a few important ones, but I figured out that I really didn't miss him all that much. He always texted to see how the appointment went, so he was involved. This time will be about the same. I'm still at the midwife's office far from home and his work. Now that I'm working, I will schedule appointments convenient for my schedule and know that he won't be able to come. He's too busy these days at work to take that much time for a regular appointment. He will come for my u/s, but that's it.
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  #20  
November 5th, 2012, 02:48 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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With my first baby, my BF at the time was freaked out by the idea and only went to the 20 week u/s. With Alex (my DH) he came to all the appointments with our son, because he had the flexibility to do it. This time around, he will only be there for the gender scan... he has a new job and anytime he does get off I will need help with the kids.

But I know he is being as supportive as he can be, even if he isn't at the appointments. It can be hard for men to really get attached to the pregnancy before the baby comes--they can't feel all that we feel. Sometimes it just doesn't feel "real" yet. I am sure he cares, but you are early.. it might not feel real to him yet and that is normal!
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