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Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  • 5 Post By Joanne Nicole

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  #1  
November 11th, 2012, 09:46 AM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 317
This post is nothing but venting, and complaining, and more venting!! So feel free to skip over to happier, more uplifting posts!!

Well, things in my relationship came to a head this weekend, and I left my boyfriend, the father of this sweet baby. After 2 months of him becoming more distant, more removed from this pregnancy, I finally had enough and told him I wasn't doing it anymore.

He went from being the kindest, most beautiful man I had ever met, who filled my life with so much joy, to becoming absolutely paralyzed by fear of this pregnancy. We were going to therapy, but had a 2 week break because he's in his rehearsals for his upcoming show. But outside of therapy he absolutely shut down any conversation about this pregnancy, the baby and the future. He just shut down. We are a couple who could stay up to all hours of the night talking about politics, theater, social causes, etc. But the one time I needed him to talk, he just stopped. And I tried to wait it out. Tried to give him time to come around. I thought maybe the first ultrasound would make a difference, but it didn't. He was gone for my second ultrasound, but I was hoping the pictures from it would make a difference, but it didn't.

I get so envious when I think of what it must be like to have the father of my child want to be there, see the baby, learn about the baby, talk about the baby (my childrens father wasn't there either- I have a terrible time picking men!!) I tried to talk baby names with him, and nothing. I tried to talk about seeing the baby move in the ultrasound- nothing. I tried to talk about an idea for revealing the gender, nothing. Financial issues, nothing. Birth plans, nothing. The list is endless.

So, now, of course he is all apologies, and wants me to know that he loves me, and acted out of fear. Which is an emotion I am all too familiar with these days. But I just don't know how to move forward with someone when for the past 2 months, I feel completely abandoned.

Sounds like a story from 16 and pregnant, not 2 working, well educated professionals with other kids, and responsibilities. I am floored that at 36, and him at 43, that this is where we are at. I am so mad and so hurt and so so terrified that once again, I am raising a child alone.

So- like I said a lot of ranting and complaining, but finally decided that it was time for me to move in the second trimester of this pregnancy in control of our future instead of waiting for him to decide to get on board. Because I think I would rather be alone than lonely.

That being said- I think I have decided on names- at least definitely on a girl's name- and about 80% sure on boy's name. That's the fun stuff!
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  #2  
November 11th, 2012, 10:03 AM
TeresaV's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: NY State
Posts: 1,732
What an awful feeling. It's amazing how someone who you once meshed with perfectly can completely shut down on you. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better for you, whatever that may entail.
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  #3  
November 11th, 2012, 10:07 AM
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Location: St. Paul MN
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That's just awful, I'm so sorry that he couldn't seem to get excited about the baby. I really hope he changes his mind, he'll really be missing out.

Okay, my rant. I'm very angry with my SIL. She went on Craigslist and spent $300 on a Burberry bag. The problem is that she lied to my brother, she told him she only spent $70 on it. I'm very concerned. They're still very young (he's 22, she's almost 20). When he was 17 he graduated from the army and went off to be stationed in San Antonio. She cheated on him, then broke up with him and got pregnant by another guy who has absolutely no interest in her daughter. When Mara (my niece) was a baby, my brother and SIL got married. Now, I love my SIL very much, but this whole lying about something like a purse worries me very much. I feel like if she's willing to lie about buying stuff, what's to say she won't cheat on him again. And more is at stake this time. My brother loves her daughter very much, like his own, as do we. And now they have a daughter together. I just couldn't see him have his heart broken by her. He's so faithful, loving, and does everything in the world for her and the girls.
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  #4  
November 11th, 2012, 10:44 AM
Joanne Nicole's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. A breakup is hard at any time, but when you're pregnant, it just feels like the world is going to end. I don't know if this will help you at all, but let me share my story with you.

When I found out that I was pregnant the first time, my relationship was on thin ice. We had broken up about 6 months earlier, I moved out and tried to move on. After about 3 months, we decided to give it another go. But honestly, it wasn't going too well. I was contemplating leaving again when I found out I was pregnant. Literally 1 week before that, we'd had a conversation about having kids and he had said that he had no plans of ever having his own children. And THAT is when I found out that I was pregnant. Worst timing ever. I was terrified to tell him, and his reaction didn't do much to calm my fears. Just like your boyfriend, mine completely shut down on me. He didn't want to talk about it, ever. And unlike you, I was too scared and weak to leave him. In addition to that, he refused to be intimate with me. The one thing that had ALWAYS been good in our relationship in the past was gone. I spent the next 8 months afraid that he was going to leave me, and unsure of what the future would hold. It was scary, hurtful, depressing...all the things I'm sure you're going through.

But let me tell you...the minute he held his brand new daughter in his arms, it was like flipping a switch. He sat there and rocked her in his arms and cried. I had never seen him cry before.

Instantly he became super-dad. The man who didn't want children and had never even held a baby, was up with me at 3 am for diaper changes, and comforting me during postpartum depression, and stepping up to be the man that he is today. A month after she was born, he proposed to me, and we just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. He's so excited for this new baby.

I know everyone's situations are different, and who knows if things will work out for you... I know you feel hurt and alone and it seems ridiculous that you should have to be the understanding one in this situation. But sometimes men do stupid things, especially when they're scared (which they'll almost never admit.) If he's apologizing, and promising to try, then maybe you should give him a chance. I'm not saying to take him back right away and try to go back to normal. He needs to prove himself to you. He needs to communicate with you, and go to ultrasounds with you, and just be there for you.

Anyways...that's my take on the situation. I know that if I had left my husband when he clammed up in fear, I'd be missing out on the amazing relationship that we have today, and this little life growing inside of me wouldn't exist.
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  #5  
November 11th, 2012, 11:24 AM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Minneapolis
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Joannes right. Alot of men act like right idiots up until they hold their child in there arms.
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  #6  
November 11th, 2012, 02:56 PM
mommy220's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so so sorry that you are feeling so alone right now when you need to feel supported and loved. I hope that he comes around because it sounds like he is/was a great guy and something has come over him to make him fearful. Maybe seeing how serious you are and how it is affecting you will help him snap out of it. HUGS!
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  #7  
November 11th, 2012, 03:03 PM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,743
I am sorry that you are feeling so alone right now and he is behaving badly.

It is not real to men until they hold a baby. My husband went to several sonograms, saw him moved, listened to the heartbeat and was like "yea, that is pretty cool" but the day he held B his entire world changed. There is something about the little baby that is part of them that comes alive when they hold them for the first time.

I hope you guys come to a solution that works for all of you. Men can be such wusses sometimes. Is this his first?

Big hugs

Kat.
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  #8  
November 11th, 2012, 05:02 PM
Mrs. D's Avatar Super Mommy
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I agree with the others. It's sucky that you feel abandoned, but men take a while for it to feel real to them. You have all these crazy hormones and probably a swelling in your gut to tell you that it's real, but to him it still probably feels distant and surreal.

Granted, he should be making an effort, but maybe try to be a bit more understanding and patient with him. After all, we're not even showing yet. It's only been a couple months. When he's able to feel the baby kick, when your parents and his are getting excited for a new grand baby, when your collective siblings are excited for a new nephew or niece, he'll start to come around.

And then when he holds his new son or daughter for the first time, he'll be completely powerless against that tiny force.

I know you feel hurt now. And rightly so. But think what it means if you don't forgive him for being a little slow in the uptake. This baby belongs to both of you. And both of you belong to the baby. The baby needs a mommy and a daddy, even if that daddy doesn't feel like a daddy quite yet.
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  #9  
November 11th, 2012, 05:37 PM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 317
Wow, I can't say enough how much appreciate your words of wisdom...Thank you, so much.

Joanne Nicole, I read your story with tears. It is so nice to hear a positive ending. I have spent all weekend thinking over and over, this can't be how this story ends. I love this man, he loves me. I know this. But then I think about the hurt from the past couple of months, and it's hard to trust to move forward.

But Mrs. D, your words about forgiveness are powerful and right. It is something totally believe in, and I need to remember that.

You guys have given me a lot to think about- and for that, I thank you so much....

Stay tuned!
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Melissa, Mom to DS Zeke (10/12/2001) and DD Paxton (05/29/2003)



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