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Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
November 18th, 2012, 07:18 PM
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I'm going to apologize in advance for this long post, but I need to vent, and maybe someone else has been in my shoes...

My boyfriend and I talked for a few months about having a child before we got married. We knew part of my family would probably be extremely upset since they are control freaks. By my family I mean my mom, and my Aunt/Uncle (her sister and brother in law). My dads side of the family isn't going to be really phased by it, I just wish right now that they lived a few states closer so I'd have some family support.

In August I stopped my birth control, my boyfriend and I discussed that if we didn't get pregnant with in the next few months then I'd go back on it. He doesn't want me missing much of school so a June birth is PERFECT. We discussed our work schedules for when the baby comes, childcare, we seriously broke down nearly every single thing possible so we could decide if we could afford this or not. We were planning on getting a place end of August but due to a number of financial whammies that has been put on hold for a few months and we are living out our parents places taking turns between the two houses. I had an accident which I need to replace the undercarriage (?) of my car, and my grandmother passed away a month ago, which the two weeks leading up to her death I didn't work so I could help take care of her...and he also needs to purchase a "new" car.

Regardless he pays rent at his place. I don't pay a set rent mine, BUT I do all of the cleaning, laundry, yard work, dishes, I pick up after my mom like she's a child. I also have been helping her pay off her credit card that she managed to max out.

Anyways. I told my mom tonight I was pregnant (I left out the on purpose part). I'm 10 weeks and figured sooner is better than later. I can't hide my belly forever. I thought she'd be upset but she is FURIOUS. After a number of minutes of bawling and cursing she started telling me she can't believe how stupid I am and how I'm better than that. And how her sister is going to be so mad at her and how she won't be able to face her. Especially after her sister just had a talk with her about how my boyfriend and I seem to be getting serious and if we move in together my mom should really think about putting me on birth control... Umm hello? I'm going to be 26 at the end of the month...not 16. I told my mom I was on birth control since I turned 18 to help with my horrible periods. I also told her bc doesn't always work.

I understand that she is concerned that I won't finish school. I don't plan on dropping out at all. I know it won't be a walk in the park, but I do know it is do-able. Currently I have 3 friends that have 2-3 kids and are working AND in school full time. The one had her 2nd child and started clinical's 2 weeks later. My boyfriend is so amazing, and apart from that whole doctor appointment fiasco he really will do anything for me...there is no way he would let anything happen where I would be forced to drop out of school. Marriage has been a topic way before the baby thing was ever brought up. He's been asking my ring size a lot lately, and would get annoyed when I'd tell him I didn't know. (that's been solved now haha). So we do have intentions of marrying...which my mom knew, and didn't really approve of either. She claimed I needed to be at least 30 before I marry.

I just don't know what to say around her at the moment. She is so hurt and upset. Mostly she's afraid of what her sister is going to say...I won't lie I'm kind of afraid of that one too. And I have no idea how to tell my Aunt. I felt bad threatening my mom that if she turned me out of her life now then she can kiss her chances of ever having grandchildren goodbye. I really didn't want to say that, but it was in the heat of the moment while she was yelling at me that she never wanted to see me again. She hasn't totally banished me yet, as I'm sitting in my room writing this but who's to say she won't later? I just wish she'd realize that I'm 25. I'm old enough to make my own choices and deal with the consequences. Yea I may be doing things out of order but it's not the end of the world, which she claims it is.

ughh. sorry i really needed to vent and i just don't know what else to say or do.

thanks for listening
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  #2  
November 18th, 2012, 07:49 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't have much personal experience with your situation, but I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this stuff. Good luck with everything! Your mom loves you and hopefully she'll calm down soon. If I was you, I'd be looking into getting a place with your SO and starting your life together before the baby comes. That's only my opinion. I hope everything works out!
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  #3  
November 18th, 2012, 07:52 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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First off huge huge hugs! I wish I had some advice but I really don't. I'm worried about my parents reaction but honestly I know they will get over it. I hope your mom realizes what a blessing this child is. Maybe taking her to a doctors appointment to hear the heartbeat would be helpful?
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  #4  
November 18th, 2012, 09:34 PM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My guess is maybe shes just upset you werent married first....as a parent you want the best for your child...and i dont imagine any mom wants their daughter to be an unwed and potentially single mom. I would say to give her space and let her get used to the idea of being a grandma and remember...whether your 3..13..23..50. Your always gonna be your moms baby. Dont judge her reaction too harshly...maybe she just cant express her concerns or why it upset her.
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  #5  
November 18th, 2012, 10:21 PM
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You can't blame a mother for being upset when her child tells her she's pregnant out of wedlock. If you guys planned on marrying why didn't you marry before TTC? Your also living out of your parents HOMES so yeah, they do get a bit of a say in how you and your boyfriend live your lives, regardless of your ages. That is their homes and their lives that are going to be disrupted by a newborn crying through the night. It was not considerate at all of you and your boyfriend to choose to become pregnant while living at your parents homes without talking to them. You have no right to be upset about your family's justified reaction to your news. If you want to be treated as an adult, you must act like one. Getting pregnant when your not married and living in your PARENT'S HOME because you and your boyfriend can't afford a place to live is not very adult of you.
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  #6  
November 19th, 2012, 04:25 AM
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Now's the time to prove to your mom you can be a grown up. Get a full time job and get your own place. It's ok that she's upset. She's probably worried you won't be able to support yourself, and it sounds like she doesn't think your bf is up to supporting you either. Who pays for your school? If you don't pay for it already, you may find that it's far more expensive than you realized. Be prepared to make some major lifestyle changes. I'm going through that right now. I'm supporting dh, who's gone back to school (although he already has a masters). We're going to have to sell our beautiful 3 bedroom home and move to a much cheaper rental til he's finished with med school. But you know what? It'll be worth it. Best of luck.
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  #7  
November 19th, 2012, 04:26 AM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
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@jersey_gray, I think your response was way too harsh.

@ashnicole86- first of all *hugs*, being pregnant and under attack is hard! Remember to be patient with your mom, and focus on YOUR family first! You know, the world is so different now, and pregnancy in or out of wedlock, in or out of school, etc etc isn't as cut and dry as it used to be. I have been pregnant while married, and now while single...neither is easy, neither offers security, both have unique challenges.
I am bracing myself for the same challenge with my SO's family, and I am very nervous about it!!
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  #8  
November 19th, 2012, 04:29 AM
Steph625's Avatar Super Mommy
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All I can say is wow! JM is a site to come and get support especially when you can't get support from anywhere else and I pray you get the support you NEED right now! During my 1st pregnancy (12 years ago), I was not married and living with my parents. My pregnancy was a complete oops and I didn't get much support either. As a matter of fact, my dad never spoke one word to me during the whole time, my mother hardly ever mentioned the pregnancy around me, my boyfriend tried to get me to have an abortion. I stayed strong though and I know you can too! When they baby was born, my parents COULDN'T get enough of my daughter. I lived with them till daughter was a year old and my parents begged me not to move out when I finally saved a good bank to move out and never have to move back in.

I only hope and pray your mother comes around. It may not be soon but be patient and stay strong. Your mom loves you and honestly only wants the best for you, I'm sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wanttobeinvienna View Post
@jersey_gray, I think your response was way too harsh.

@ashnicole86- first of all *hugs*, being pregnant and under attack is hard! Remember to be patient with your mom, and focus on YOUR family first! You know, the world is so different now, and pregnancy in or out of wedlock, in or out of school, etc etc isn't as cut and dry as it used to be. I have been pregnant while married, and now while single...neither is easy, neither offers security, both have unique challenges.
I am bracing myself for the same challenge with my SO's family, and I am very nervous about it!!
Well said, Melissa! I agree with EVERYTHING you just said! And good luck to you as well!
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  #9  
November 19th, 2012, 04:34 AM
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I'm a traditional person, but I don't think everyone has to be. I do think you should have sprung the, "I'm moving in with my boyfriend" before the, "I'm pregnant" card. My parents are awesome, but they would have flipped too. My brother did everything backwards too but in order of move in, we're preg, were getting married. My parents were very doubtful of the whole situation, but now they get along great in our family. Your mom probably just needs some time and you and bf should probably look for your own place do you can prove to her that you are 25 not 16. Good luck!
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  #10  
November 19th, 2012, 06:35 AM
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My DH and I have been married not quite two years yet. We've been together for almost 8 and in the time we weren't married, we lived by ourselves, almost never had to borrow money from anyone and raised two amazing kids without any help from either of our families, aside from very occasional babysitting. I do think it'd make it a lot easier for you guys if you'd move out on your own, that way you don't have to feel like you're constantly under pressure. You just can't live your life by others' judgement, you'll never get anywhere YOU want to go. A child is never a bad choice, ever. I never once doubted my DH would leave me while we weren't married, I never do now that we are married. You're already doing good by going to school, your future will be on its way before baby is old enough to remember living with its grandma. I sure hope your mom cools down soon, and that your aunt's reaction isn't too harsh. It's very hard to live without family support, but you can do it, if need be.
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  #11  
November 19th, 2012, 07:02 AM
8miraclez's Avatar Formerly Halfbaked
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If everyone waited to have a baby when everything was perfect, no one would have babies.
I've been married for 13 years and I am still afraid to tell my family. Mothers are still mothers, no matter how old you are. They want what they believe is best for you and it's hard to let your children make their own decisions, especially if it isn't one they would make.
Give your mom some time. She may come around. Tell your aunt to mind her own business. You are going to have to prove you can do this, whether by yourself, of with your SO.
Don't let them bring you down. We are excited for you and you can vent to us anytime you need to.
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  #12  
November 19th, 2012, 11:47 AM
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Hey thank you all soooo much! I really didn't know what to expect going into the talk with her. I knew she'd be upset and with good reason. It's just tough.

My boyfriend and I have no intentions of living here past Jan. We know of one apartment that is going to be for rent in our price range, 2 bedrooms, etc available for rent in Jan, and I personally know the landlord who has told me we will have first dibs on that if we are interested. The only thing is that it's way out of the way for us in terms of my school, childcare, and work. So we want to see if anything comes up closer to work before then. If we really wanted to blow through our savings we could move into a place this instant. But until we get these two cars taken care of we prefer to not touch what either of us have in savings, because you never know when you'll need it, and neither of us have family to help us out financially if we get under.

I do have a job. I am scheduled a little over part time hours because of school, and since my school workload varies from week to week. Usually I pick up hours every week when i don't have much studying and end up somewhere between 35-40. Last two weeks I have been in overtime. I do this that way because its easier for me to pick up a shift than give it away, because when I get scheduled shifts they put me on bar, and theres only 3 other bartenders. I have been trained in 5 out of the 8 positions at my job so it's really easy for me to find a shift when I need to.

My mom has never paid for a penny of my schooling. I have paid for it all. Even when my family "forced" me to go away to a school 4 hours away that I hated, doing a major I ended up hating just as much. Two years of schooling and money wasted all because I had to listen to them about "what is best". And to be honest I have been financially independent since my dad died when I was 13. So when I say my mom doesn't pay for anything, she doesn't. Also, living at home paying the $350 a month for her credit card she maxed out (in place of rent...actually the credit card was a home equity lone, so it's important someone pays it), has helped me save up enough money that I can pay for the next two semesters of school, and have a nice little savings for emergency.

Anyways, thank you all again. I guess I kind of forgot once her baby, always her baby. It's just harder than I thought it would be. And I kind of forgot how critical they are to everything. it's been a while since I've done something to disappoint them.
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  #13  
November 19th, 2012, 12:22 PM
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Your mother and my father should be best friends. I am also 25 years old and married, and once my father found out I was pregnant, he claimed that I made the hugest mistake of my life. He also claimed that he and my mother would be the ones ending up raising my child because my marriage was destined to fail. What his problem is with my husband, I still have no idea. My husband is in the military and I have just moved back home temporarily with my parents as well. My father has not ONCE asked me how I am feeling, how a doctor's appointment has gone, or to see pictures of my ultrasounds. In fact, he doesn't speak to me at all (unless asking me to do something for him). So I know almost exactly how you are feeling and it sucks! But they are our parents, and we will always be their babies I wouldn't worry about anything negative that anyone has to say about your pregnancy. You are old enough to make your own decisions, and you and your boyfriend sound like extremely responsible, determined people. Your family will come around, especially when a screaming pooping adorable little bundle comes out of it!!! So hugs to you and best of luck!
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  #14  
November 19th, 2012, 12:29 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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With a little more info on your situation, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are moving in the right direction and you're already financially independent. Your mom may be more worried about what she is going to do without you, than you without her. And, as it's been said, once her baby - always her baby. I think you're doing the best you can and your family will come around. Once they see the ultrasound pictures, any negativity will probably fade away and things can settle down a bit. I wish the best for you and your bean!
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  #15  
November 19th, 2012, 07:21 PM
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I don't get the aunt thing? Why the heck are you afraid? 1)it is none of her business. 2) how can her reaction affect you in any real way? Will she hit you? Other than that I wouldn't be concerned in the least what she says, thinks, does. I get your mom being upset, but she is reacting a bit much. My mil ran out of the house crying "how could you do this to us?" When my then fiancé told her we were getting married. We lived two hours away, on our own, with jobs, insurance, graduated from college. We didn't tell her we were pregnant! We were, just she left before we could! I was 24. So, yeah, I get your mom flipping out for the reasons jersey shore listed. But it's done so you need to get out on your own where it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.
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  #16  
November 20th, 2012, 02:19 PM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
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I wish the best for you. I am sure everyone will come around, and if not do you really need their negative support? $350 a month on her credit card? Wow! if I where u i really think you and the So should get your own place no matter what it takes. it may be hard but i am sure you can manage. it will be less stressful after you get settled in. And at least you will be paying your own bills and not other peoples.

I live with my SO in the house i own but we are not married. i have been divorced once s=and do plan to marry my So but I am going to wait until he proposes and the baby comes. It won't bother me if it's a year or 2.

Good Luck!
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  #17  
November 20th, 2012, 05:25 PM
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I got pregnant (I was about to be 26 & DH 25) before I got married and it WAS on purpose! My now DH planned on getting married but frankly wanted a nice wedding and couldn't afford it at the moment and the tax credit I got from being an unmarried mom paid from our wedding. My parents were okay with it bc well really bc they didn't have a choice...I'm sure they would have preferred me to be married but I didn't choose that. Now my DH parents that is a different story they were mad and didn't think he was grown up enough and all freaked out hello control freak! It was bad not but eventually they came around and even threw me a baby shower. They actually said to DH you don't have to be together just bc you are having a baby...yeah. So the moral to the story the parents they will come around...you have the upper hand you have the baby and in most cases gparents want to see the baby. As for people and their opinions that are a bit harsh and critical...everyone is entitled to their opinion but frankly I feel that this board is not the place. People come here for support and just like we were taught as kids if you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all. I hope things blow over from you keep your head up gather your ducks and keep truckin! Hugs
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  #18  
November 20th, 2012, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crawmommy View Post
As for people and their opinions that are a bit harsh and critical...everyone is entitled to their opinion but frankly I feel that this board is not the place. People come here for support and just like we were taught as kids if you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all.
Totally agree. Especially when they're not even from our DDC!
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