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Worries (long sorry)


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  • 5 Post By jhmomofmany

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  #1  
November 21st, 2012, 07:22 AM
enchantingdragon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,309
Ive a little scared about going from one child to having two. On top of the normal worries about time, sleep, energy, etc Im worried about not being able to love my 2nd as much as my 1st. I hope this is a common fear and Im not a terrible person. My son is 2 and will be newly 3 when this one is born

I was so excited like most first time moms before Drake was born. After he was born though I learned quite a bit about how baby can change your life completely. Drakey had an undetected tongue tie and it caused a lot of breastfeeding issues, ie extremely painful for me to the point I cried and never wanted to feed him. We got a lactation consultant to come help us eventually and she found the tongue tie and that was fixed when he was about a week old. Even after the tongue tie though breastfeeding was hard, I never made enough, Drake was always hungry and nursed literally for hours on end which made me exhausted. After 4 months of exclusive breastfeeding and watching him fall of the charts in weight completely (not to mention crying all the time and not sleeping probably because of his hunger) I gave up and went to supplementing and pumping. That helped but Drake's sleep never got much better and he didnt end up sleeping through the night till 11 1/2 months. It was a really long grueling year with him and one that I think traumatized me in some ways. I was so tired, especially those first 4 months when I was the only one who could feed him and I admit it took me a while to bond with him, probably not till after we moved to pumping and supplementing and I was able to get some help and some more sleep. Since then though I have completely fallen in love with him I am an only child and always swore I would never have any only child myself but after my son was born I almost wondered if I did only want one because I just couldnt imagine loving another child the same way I love my son now.

Im scared that the next time will be as hard if not harder now that I have another child as well and that I wont be able to love this child like I love Drake since it did take me a while to even really develop the right bond with him. I havent been as excited about this pregnancy as I was with Drake. Its funny as I was so excited for Drake but my husband was the one who was worried as he felt we werent ready for a child. The tables have turned now and my husband is bursting at the seams to tell everyone and I could easily sail into the 2nd or 3rd trimester without uttering a peep. This baby came right in the midst of some huge personal life changes for me. We sold or condo in early Sept and it was a mad scramble to find a house for us. Because we were moving to a bigger home my DH wanted to try for another baby right away when our original plan was for July 2013 to start so I was still somewhat on that timeline when he sprung this on me. I have some personal goals I wanted to achieve before having another one so I was still unsure but agreed to try for one month. As it happened on the 25th of Sept I turned 31 and my father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Im not sure with all these personal and emotional events happening so suddenly one after another has drained me somehow and that might also be contributing to my lack of enthusiasm. I do hope as the baby grows inside of me and becomes more real maybe my emotions will change.

So last night I had a dream that both the new baby and my son were both sleeping in cribs and then woke up suddenly and started crying and when I went in there I went and held my son first and wanted to comfort him and help him first before the baby which made me wake up and feel guilty and wonder if this will happen after the baby is born which lead to this long winded post. So are these normal fears of a 2nd time mom? Things will change once the baby is here right? Thanks for listening if you read this whole thing.
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  #2  
November 21st, 2012, 07:28 AM
phantomsgrl11's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Ardmore, PA
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I think it is completely normal. All parents I know of say the love for your first doesn't change but somehow you grow more love. I don't know how to explain it but you heart just expands for each child.


I know I've been worried. JD is completely spoiled. We go on trips all the time to amusement parks, museums, zoo's, you name it. He has done so much in his 2 years and I am afraid that another one wll take it away from him. Luckily we will have an age gap that is such that should allow us to do the same even with the new baby but I do not want JD feeling left out while we need to tend to the needs of the newborn.

So yeah...totally normal. =)
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  #3  
November 21st, 2012, 07:31 AM
dmreed32's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 435
I have the same worry... especially with two on the way. I am so fearful that my 7 year old will feel neglected. I try spending time with him now but I am SOOOO sick ugh
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  #4  
November 21st, 2012, 07:44 AM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can definitely relate to a lot of those feelings! When I was pregnant with my son, I was worried that I could never love him the same as my older daughter! I felt like I just didn't have it in me to love two as much as I loved her. It is truly AMAZING that your heart can swell and you will love them both equally, unconditionally and exactly the same as your first Even if it takes time to adjust to the idea.

Jocelyn was a preemie, so she had a lot of challenges--feeding, reflux etc. We paced the floor every night with her. It was terrible. I didn't honestly bond with her until she was several months old. I think there is a misconception that the bonding happens always immediately after birth. If it is a difficult baby, it can happen later. And that is OKAY and NORMAL. You WILL bond, have faith

I have every reason to believe that you will do fantastic as a mom of two, especially when you are so devoted to the one you have already! Give yourself time to get excited. It is okay that you aren't immediately ecstatic. I haven't been completely yet with this pregnancy either. But it will come. Hang in there!
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  #5  
November 21st, 2012, 07:49 AM
Nattie84
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I have the same fear as well, I almost am scared of having another baby because I am not sure it is going to be fair to my other kids. It been just us for so long and I cant imagine having another. I didnt have these feelings when I went from 1 to 2 but I am really trying to get my head in the game for this one. Also I am older and I really didnt plan on having anymore kids, I though I was just getting my life back because my girls were getting so big...sigh such is life tho...LOL. I think these feelings are normal and I have seen several posts saying the same concerns. Once we see our babies though I am confident all of these worries and fears will disappear and things will blend right together as they should. Really our pregnacies this time around are really "new" to us still mentally and it takes time to wrap your mind around such a major change, we just need to give ourselves some time and it will all come full circle.
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  #6  
November 21st, 2012, 07:54 AM
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Definitely normal feelings! I had my son when my daughter was just 19 months and I worried that she was too young for a younger sibling and that she still needed me too much for me to split my attention between two. She was/is also the sweetest, easiest baby ever, which was one of the reasons I got pregnant again so quickly. We thought this baby thing was a piece of cake!

One thing I will say...try VERY hard not to compare your two kids. My son was nothing like my daughter and he was a lot harder to figure out. My DH kept comparing the two of them and thinking something was wrong with him, when in reality he was just being a "normal" baby as opposed to our daughter being easy. But even at 19 months, my daughter understood that there was a new baby in the house and she wanted to help with everything. The first thing she did when she saw him was want to hold him. It was the sweetest thing I ever experienced when she held her baby brother and kissed him. There is always room to love more kids and it just gets better when you get to see them interact together.
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  #7  
November 21st, 2012, 08:00 AM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 317
First of all....many hugs!!

The change from one to two is definitely a hard one, but a beautiful one...

My first 2 are 18 months apart, and I had no idea how it was going to work, but there are a few things to remember:

You love grows...totally and completely. The minute #2 makes their entrance it all meshes and you wonder what life was like without them.

Mother's instincts are incredible- I remember worrying how I would handle when both were crying, when both needed me, etc. But you know what- I did. Just by instinct and you will, too.

My SO is having the same fears, as he has one son he has a great bond with. Nothing I can say can ease his fears, and I have to remember not to take his fears personally. But we know 2 things: 1) we will make sure that he still has HIS time with his son, so that bond is never altered. and 2) that hisfirst will love this baby, too- and that although there will be change- the change will be for the good! They follow our lead!
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  #8  
November 21st, 2012, 08:33 AM
edgeofelise's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was just thinking about this last night. I'm afraid this one is a boy. I just don't know how I'll be able to cuddle and love a boy as much as I do DD. I know that's silly, but I just really don't know what I'll do with myself. I know I'll figure it out, though. It's totally normal to be nervous!
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  #9  
November 21st, 2012, 08:44 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Nah, don't worry about it. The more you have the easier it gets. Going to two is hard, but not because you don't love the next one. You love him as much and try to do everything the same, that's why it is hard.

Now I literally have favorites. They change as things change. But everyone knows #9 is my fave and they each think they are both the favorite and the least favorite at the same time. But we are all close and all love each other. The trick is to let each know that they are a welcome part of the family that was complete with just you and your husband. The rest are just lucky to be there, not the reason you exist.
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  #10  
November 21st, 2012, 09:03 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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There is some amazing advice in this thread. We have a wonderful group!

I was terrified with this one. Our second and third not so much but I have no idea why. This pregnancy was so unplanned that I have told my husband on numerous occasions that I did not want the baby (I feel awful for that) but it has taken me awhile it get excited and happy. Just like everyone has said your heart will grow, the way we love our children is an amazing thing something I am surprised about daily. Involve your son as much as you can, that really helped our oldest 2 for Everett's arrival. They helped at midwife appointments and were present when he was born. They have suć a special bond to him and adore him. It will be ok Hun your feelings are completely normal!
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  #11  
November 21st, 2012, 11:36 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
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Location: North Carolina
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I had the same fears going from 1 to 2 kids. My first was so easy and delightful as a baby and toddler. We were totally spoiled with her. My second had a tongue tie, bad reflux, barely slept, nursed constantly, tons of ear infections and pneumonia- all in the first year. It was rough for all of us, but you just manage to get through it. For me the love was instantaneous for my second, and it didn't at all change how I felt about my first. My oldest just learned that the baby couldn't do anything for herself so she needed my help. If they were both upset, she was okay with waiting for a few minutes. The transition really went pretty smoothly.

I shouldn't worry about going from 2 to 3, but I am. Abri is just a sensitive child who has always been clingy with me. I am afraid of making her the middle child who gets forgotten.
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  #12  
November 21st, 2012, 11:38 AM
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I wondered the same when I was pregnant with DS2. Like, how could I possibly love another child as much as I loved my first son. It's so true when they say your heart just doubles in size. My husband did a lot of comparing the two when DS2 was born. We got so lucky with Isaac, he breastfed like a champ, slept through the night at 2 months and was always such a laid back baby. Gabe eventually got the breastfeeding thing right, but he was so so difficult to deal with getting to sleep. He didn't sleep through the night until 10 months or longer. Definitely don't compare your kids, you'll only end up with heartache. With every new baby you have to start a new view on how they'll be, don't assume they'll be exactly like your first (or second!) Every kid is different! I have the fear that this little one won't sleep well at night and I'll be exhausted at every turn, but I guess if that's the way it'll be, I'll just have to cope. It seems though, when you throw another in the mix, everyone in the family just goes along with it and everything starts to flow nicely after a while.
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  #13  
November 21st, 2012, 01:45 PM
jhmomofmany's Avatar Look! A Dancing Banana!
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If you use a candle to light a new candle, the flame of the first does not diminish. It's a lot like that. Your love does not need to be divided between your children- it multiplies infinitely.
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  #14  
November 21st, 2012, 07:52 PM
Karen78's Avatar 2nd time around :)
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I've had the same fears too. With my first pregnancy, I was constantly thinking about the baby. This time I have a crazy toddler that consumes most of my time that I sometimes forget that I'm carrying another little one. Then I feel guilty. I try to take time each day to focus on JUST this baby for a bit. It seems to help. I think once I feel movement it will make things seem much more real. But yeah, I totally have those thoughts when I'm hugging my son thinking how am I gonna love another kid as much as this sweet sweet boy?!
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  #15  
November 22nd, 2012, 03:45 AM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Your thoughts are very normal. Most of my mommy friends said going from 1 to 2 was a bigger adjustment than going from 0 to 1.

Just remember, your love is multiplied, not divided.
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