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Having a rough time ~ relationship issues


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
December 5th, 2012, 10:38 AM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 750
I don't really have anywhere else to vent about this. I am feeling sad and have been crying on and off at work today. The boyfriend and I are arguing again. He a great guy and can be very nice and supportive when it comes to some thing but other things not so much. And he say mean things when we are arguing. We both wanted this pregnancy and are happy to have a baby but I think it's taking a toll on our relationship.

Maybe it's just me but I feel like I am in this alone a lot. We work opposite shift and when he is not at work he likes to keep busy. Cutting wood, helping on his uncles farm, hunting, whatever it may be. I just feel lost and on my own a lot. We haven't had a lot of date nights or nights together lately. Maybe just a supper at home occasionally. We are not very intimate anymore. I just feel like he could care less. He is freaked out to have sex since I have been pregnant, even thou we got the dr. ok, so he have only DTD twice in the past 6 weeks. It just does not make me feel very good.

He works almost everyday (7 days a week) and is catching up with past bills and loans he has. There is never really any "extra" on his end. There was also talks about him getting laid off at work which is disappointing. He thinks he will make more on unemployment than working regular which I know can not be true. I would hate to have to go to work pregnant and him be unemployed. maybe I am just being selfish.

I am putting my money away in saving so I can pay all my bills while I am on maternity leave. I know I will be taking on almost all of everything financially. I know there is a lot of baby stuff to buy too.

We have also talk about daycare when baby comes. I work 7:30 am to 4 pm. Right now he is working 2-10pm. So I thought if we did day care from like noon until 5 everyday that it would be a lot cheaper. But he says he needs his mornings to go do things. Like cut wood or help on farm...which doesn't pay btw. So then I will be paying a daycare bill and having the baby be at day care full time from 7-5. And then I will be home alone every evening with baby. When is it my time to do things that need to be done?? I don't know if maybe he is just scared to be alone with such a little one and just won't say.

This is the first time for both of us, so I know we both have to be willing to change. Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe guys are just different and it will be more of my responsibility. He really can be a great guy and I do think he will be a wonderful father. Maybe things will be different when the baby is actually here.

Am I out of line feeling this way ladies? Anyone else feel alone and like they are taking on this themselves? Any advice? I can't get over being sad about all this today. i know the hormones don't help.
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  #2  
December 5th, 2012, 11:18 AM
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He doesn't get his mornings to do things anymore. He gets to be a dad. Sounds like he is having a hard time adjusting to the fact that his life is going to change.

I know that him working a lot really sucks. My husband has been working 7 days a week for extra money too and he works from 2pm-12am and I have 2 sons at home. I feel like I'm a single parent. But the extra money provides us with a little cushion, especially around christmas time.

Maybe on the weekends, in the morning, you can try to have a date. My DH and I have been having morning dates. Sometimes we stay home in the mornings and just cook a big breakfast together or watch a movie and cuddle. Stuff like that.

Some men just get freaked out by sex when their SO is pregnant. It's a mental thing. i am sure it doesn't have anything to do with you. Maybe try cuddling or different positions. My last son used to kick my DH when we DTD and it freaked him out, so we used other positioned that created less contact with my belly. Later on in my pregnancy, I discovered that spooning was the most efficient and comfortable way for us. Don't let pregnancy steal your sexy!! Get some pretty lingerie, something that makes YOU feel good. because when you feel good inside, you project it towards DH.

All in all, it sounds like he is nervous about this baby. I would just make the point that maybe christmas/pregnancy isn't the best time to try and get laid off. I would back off the daycare talks for a couple months (it is early yet) and try to think of some way to get him involved with the pregnancy.

My DH was scared to death, so I've given him projects. he has built me a babygate (he is a woodworker) and he is working on a highchair. I don't NEED these things anytime soon, but just watching him get involved and excited has changed the whole mood in this house.
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  #3  
December 5th, 2012, 11:27 AM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thanks so much for your advice. I really do want this too work. I am just so upset today about all this. So embarrassing to be crying at work. i am just so hurt. I guess I can not think about the daycare thing yet. I will try to think of something to get him involved in the pregnancy, i am not sure what yet. And hopefully We can be intimate again someday. I will take all that you said into consideration.

Thanks you very much for taking the time to respond.
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  #4  
December 5th, 2012, 12:34 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 4,098
I don't really have much advice. I just wanted to let you know it sounds like you have some very rational concerns... I hope he listens. He will have to learn to give up some of his free time, just as you will, when this baby comes...

I am sorry you are alone so much. I have a hubby that works and is starting a masters program, so I am home with my two kiddos alot during the week and it is a real bummer sometimes.
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  #5  
December 5th, 2012, 12:40 PM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thanks Valerie. I just want to do this together as a family. I just get the feeling of bearing most of it alone.
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  #6  
December 5th, 2012, 01:38 PM
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I'm sorry you feel so alone. My DH works 7 days a week as a farmer, cows have to be fed every day, bedded every day, checked, etc, so we don't get much time off together. I get to be a single mom as well. Your SO sounds very nervous about baby, and if he's anything like mine, he'll bury his head in the sand until you remind him of it. As for the sex issue........my DH wants nothing to do with me when I'm pregnant. When I was pg with my son, I was SO hurt and confused by it, and actually went to counselling over it. Turns out that he just can't bring him self to DTD because he's SO worried it'll hurt me or baby. He seriously can't help it, and this time around I'm much better with it. I still want it, but I understand now. I'm not happy about it, but I know he loves me and this won't last forever.

I hope you two can talk this over and figure something out.
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  #7  
December 5th, 2012, 01:46 PM
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some guys can be really intimidated by the baby. I know my DH wasn't really comfortable being alone with DS until he was 3 or so. I didn't push it though, since I am a SAHM. I think a big part of it was just the unknown. How do I feed it? How do I entertain it? Some of that just doesn't sink in until they do it a couple of times.
I can tell you that it didn't help that I bf'd exclusively (not by choice, DS wouldn't take a bottle) Hubby was all, if you aren't here and he's hungry, what do I do?

As far as planning daycare, maybe it would help to make a visual chart. Listing your options and costs, etc...

Also, I'd suggest investing in a parenting class or volunteering to watch a friend/relative child. The more you practice now, the more he'll be comfortable later.

I hope you are able to discuss with him soon!
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  #8  
December 5th, 2012, 01:55 PM
wanttobeinvienna's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 317
((HUGS))

Girl, I understand relationship issues! I went from heaven to some days feeling like hell from a single pregnancy test! It's a rough rough period! And definitely NOT like I ever expected it would be!!

We are in therapy, which is a God-send, and one of the best pieces of advice we got from therapy is to really live in today. Yes, there are things to plan...yes, daycare, etc is important. But for right now, slow down and just be pregnant. The other stuff will become more immediate...down the road a bit.

See if there are things to appreciate in him in TODAY. That's why you fell in love with him in the first place. As mom's- we constantly want reassurance that the future will be ok- as men, they want reassurance that they are ok for you NOW. They feel lost and suddenly second to a new baby, and definitely question if they will be able to support the needs of a new baby and a new mom.

Try to take a couple of weeks to just be a couple who is pregnant, rather than trying to solve the things that will come up after the baby is born... that time will come- but it will be a much easier conversation if you guys are on a more solid ground.

And as for the awesome sex... I complained one time to my SO about him not initiating sex... his response was that he was going by MY cues, I was tired and not feeling good, and he didn't want me to think it was ONLY about sex... in his quirky, male way...he was showing ME respect

Feel free to ignore if none of this applies to you - this has just been my experience- Hang in there!!!
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  #9  
December 5th, 2012, 04:59 PM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 750
Quote:
Originally Posted by Logan plus one Mommy View Post
I'm sorry you feel so alone. My DH works 7 days a week as a farmer, cows have to be fed every day, bedded every day, checked, etc, so we don't get much time off together. I get to be a single mom as well. Your SO sounds very nervous about baby, and if he's anything like mine, he'll bury his head in the sand until you remind him of it. As for the sex issue........my DH wants nothing to do with me when I'm pregnant. When I was pg with my son, I was SO hurt and confused by it, and actually went to counselling over it. Turns out that he just can't bring him self to DTD because he's SO worried it'll hurt me or baby. He seriously can't help it, and this time around I'm much better with it. I still want it, but I understand now. I'm not happy about it, but I know he loves me and this won't last forever.

I hope you two can talk this over and figure something out.
Thanks for responding. At least I can come here and talk with ladies in similar situations. I understand what you are saying about your hubby being afraid to dtd. It's the same situation. And it makes me hurt and confused too. I'll try to take that more into consideration.

Thanks for your input.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesparkles View Post
some guys can be really intimidated by the baby. I know my DH wasn't really comfortable being alone with DS until he was 3 or so. I didn't push it though, since I am a SAHM. I think a big part of it was just the unknown. How do I feed it? How do I entertain it? Some of that just doesn't sink in until they do it a couple of times.
I can tell you that it didn't help that I bf'd exclusively (not by choice, DS wouldn't take a bottle) Hubby was all, if you aren't here and he's hungry, what do I do?

As far as planning daycare, maybe it would help to make a visual chart. Listing your options and costs, etc...

Also, I'd suggest investing in a parenting class or volunteering to watch a friend/relative child. The more you practice now, the more he'll be comfortable later.

I hope you are able to discuss with him soon!

I wonder if that is the issue and him just not saying, being intimidated. I wouldn't worry so much but I get 12 weeks off and then back to full time.
Yes I plan to take a class weather he does with me or not. I have been around babies before but he has not. Thanks for your suggestions. I hope I can get him to be a bit more willing to compromise. And hopefully we can figure out the daycare and make a compromise there too.
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  #10  
December 5th, 2012, 05:10 PM
bobbiejo1982's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 750
Quote:
Originally Posted by wanttobeinvienna View Post
((HUGS))

Girl, I understand relationship issues! I went from heaven to some days feeling like hell from a single pregnancy test! It's a rough rough period! And definitely NOT like I ever expected it would be!!

We are in therapy, which is a God-send, and one of the best pieces of advice we got from therapy is to really live in today. Yes, there are things to plan...yes, daycare, etc is important. But for right now, slow down and just be pregnant. The other stuff will become more immediate...down the road a bit.

See if there are things to appreciate in him in TODAY. That's why you fell in love with him in the first place. As mom's- we constantly want reassurance that the future will be ok- as men, they want reassurance that they are ok for you NOW. They feel lost and suddenly second to a new baby, and definitely question if they will be able to support the needs of a new baby and a new mom.

Try to take a couple of weeks to just be a couple who is pregnant, rather than trying to solve the things that will come up after the baby is born... that time will come- but it will be a much easier conversation if you guys are on a more solid ground.

And as for the awesome sex... I complained one time to my SO about him not initiating sex... his response was that he was going by MY cues, I was tired and not feeling good, and he didn't want me to think it was ONLY about sex... in his quirky, male way...he was showing ME respect

Feel free to ignore if none of this applies to you - this has just been my experience- Hang in there!!!
Ignore...Now way I really appreciate it.
Your exactly right thou, I am always worried about how things are going to work out. i am a planner/a worrier. I think I do need to start living in today more. I want us to enjoy this time and not argue so much. I need to keep reminding myself of this, LIVE IN TODAY. I meant I have until Almost September to have day care figured out.
I think I will just enjoy this time and get through the holidays and then maybe start some planning.

I really do appreciate being able to talk to all you ladies and the advice. You have no idea what it means to me.
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  #11  
December 5th, 2012, 06:27 PM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,743
The other ladies have given good advice. Another point that a lot of women don't realize is that a man can go to every sonogram and hear the heart beat and feel the baby move and kick, but it doesn't REALLY sink in until they hold him or her for the first time. It is just not the. Same for them. If he hasn't been around many people with kid, he doesn't realize how much work is involved. The most important thing for your relationship is calm, open communication and equal share of the work load.

I hope you guys can work it out and enjoy this time.
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