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DH is just not into this pregnancy


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By Kalynas_Mom
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  #1  
January 17th, 2013, 05:24 AM
Joanne Nicole's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
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When I got pregnant with DD, we weren't married yet and we were going through a bit of a rough patch. DD was definitely a surprise baby. In addition to that, the week before I found out I was pregnant, he told me that he didn't want kids or plan on ever having any. So I spent the next 9 months afraid that he was going to leave me at some point.

Well, he didn't, and the minute he held DD in his arms, it was like flipping a switch. He's an amazing father, and having her honestly saved our relationship - we got married less than a year later and it's been wonderful.

When we decided to try for baby #2, I was so looking forward to being pregnant again because I thought this time he knows what he's getting into, and he's going to be excited and happy about it. Then I can be excited and happy about it, rather than worried for 9 months. It took us over a year to get pregnant, and I was starting to think it might not happen. When I got the positive pregnancy test, I was overwhelmingly happy. I immediately ran into the bedroom to tell DH and his response was, "Oh." And after that he clammed up for several days. I was a bit hurt, but I know that sometimes he takes a while to process things, and I figured he'd come around. Eventually he stopped avoiding me and started talking to me again, but it was like we'd just gone back to normal. No happy baby excitement.

So now I'm over 5 months along, and honestly it hasn't changed all that much. If I bring up baby related stuff, he'll respond, but he never talks about the baby of his own accord. He doesn't have any desire to plan for the baby, or talk about baby names, and I can't get him to even feel my stomach. I'm just getting to the point where he can feel the baby, but he always pulls his hand away after a minute, saying he couldn't feel anything but it's not that big a deal because he remembers what it felt like with DD. He doesn't come to any of my appointments with me because, again, he remembers what the appointments were like with DD and since it's not going to be any different, why should he be there? He has been to the 2 ultrasounds, but only because I told him that I really wanted him to be there.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from him, but it's kind of putting a damper on this pregnancy. It's been a rough one - way harder than my first - but I was so happy about it because it was planned and something we both wanted and I thought we could both be excited. But he's just not. And it's not that he doesn't WANT the baby, he does...it's more of an attitude of "Been there, done that".

*sigh*
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  #2  
January 17th, 2013, 05:27 AM
SassySami's Avatar Crunchy mama
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Colorado
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I'm sorry hun, does he maybe need to have a connection first? have you found out the sex?
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  #3  
January 17th, 2013, 06:05 AM
Joanne Nicole's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We're finding out next Friday. When I scheduled the appointment, rather than being excited, he told me it was a little inconvenient because he'd have to take off an hour early from work.

I tried to talk to him last week, about how HE is feeling about the pregnancy...I thought maybe he was holding in some nervousness or apprehension or something. He basically said he's fine, and he's not really nervous about anything because we've already done it once, and how different could it be. So it's not that he's anxious. But you'd think this was my 12th pregnancy, not my second, judging by his blasé attitude about the whole thing.
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  #4  
January 17th, 2013, 06:16 AM
Kalynas_Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm sorry your going through this! Your story sounds very similar to mine. DH and I were together for less than a year when I got pregnant with DD and I had just turned 21. Needless to say it was very unplanned and neither of us were in a place where we wanted to start a family. I felt like I had to drag him to every appt, he never seemed happy about any of it and I spent MANY hours crying. This one WAS planned and he's still not very "into" it. He hasn't gone to any appts with me, but I just didn't ask this time. I update him when I get home and if everything is okay he's happy about it. He's always been kind of weirded out by touching my belly so once again I don't ask haha

Its disappointing but I really think some men just can't connect the same way we do to babies until they're born. I know DH is thrilled its a boy and will be great once he's here but he's a rather quiet person and he we really don't talk much about the pregnancy. I think he needs to hold that baby before he feels that connection that I already feel.

Either way it definitely puts a damper on things sometimes and I totally understand how your feeling. This time around (because I know DH so well) I just don't expect the same things out of him and my mom has been having a ball going to all my appts with me instead.....and quite frankly it's been MUCH more fun that way and given me a person to be excited with. It's hard not to take it personally and be bummed out but i'm guessing your DH might be a lot like mine and its not that he's trying to hurt you, but that he simply can't express himself the way you'd like about the pregnancy or that he just doesn't feel the same connection until baby is here.
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  #5  
January 17th, 2013, 06:27 AM
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I'm sorry hon men can really be bad at showing their emotions sometimes. Maybe after you find out the sex he will change a little. You know he'll at least be happy when he holds baby in his arms! If it was planned, I don't understand why he's being so blah? Men.....my husband is overseas and gets so jealous and kind of mad when I bring up the baby kicking or decorating a nursery so I kind of have an idea how you feel. He makes me feel bad that he's not here. So I use this forum to talk about my pregnancy for the most part! It's helped me so much.
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  #6  
January 17th, 2013, 06:39 AM
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Maybe you should let him read this post? my DH wasn't into this pregnancy either until he went to the gender ultrasound, now he is all about it.
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  #7  
January 17th, 2013, 09:19 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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My husbands not really that into it right now either. He is helpful though but he just doesnt talk about it much but maybe neither do I. Hugs hun!
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  #8  
January 17th, 2013, 11:32 AM
rcjh12's Avatar Nicole
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Location: Kansas
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I honestly think it is a guy thing. DH was all aboard the TTC train, he was the one that convinced ME. And now he's ... meh. It's just not something he has to think about all the time, where as I'm thinking about what I'm eating, what I can/can't take, etc. He'll talk about it when I push, but it isn't something he brings up on his own, and he doesn't get into long discussions. But he's a wonderful father and I know once the baby gets here things will be different.
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  #9  
January 17th, 2013, 03:05 PM
mommy220's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think it's so much easier for men to "forget" about it because they are not the ones going through it. My husband talks about it when I bring it up and he seems excited but then he will bring up things like what we will do this summer and it's like I have to remind him we will have a newborn or we will be about to have another baby. For me, not a second goes by I am not thinking about it and daydreaming and so it is hard to understand.
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  #10  
January 17th, 2013, 06:16 PM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Carolina
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My DH was similar with my second pregnancy. Our first wasn't really planned but he was so excited about every aspect. He went to all appointments, touched my belly, etc. The second one was actually planned but he never went to appointments, never talked about the baby, acted like it was weird to touch my belly. It took us a while to sort it out, but he finally told me that he was really stressed about adding another child to our family and feeling like he wasn't able to provide well enough. His way of coping was to just shut off. He still has moments with this pregnancy where he seems distant, but I know it will eventually get better.
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