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DH always making me sad...long sorry


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #21  
February 15th, 2013, 06:22 PM
MarylandMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Originally Posted by navywifey2003 View Post
My guess is the people he is with, especially if this is out of character for him. They get fed information about how military wives are while they are deployed and can loose their filter. I really don't think he is being abusive emotionally I think that is a bit harsh. But I don't know him, if he is not like this normally then a lot can be said to who is spending his day with and what other people say or do during the deployment. This is his first deployment the first one is hard. I'm not making excuses for him because I don't feel he should talk like that but it changes you. It took months after kyles return to stop using the f word so much which is out of character for him. Your environment molds you into a different person sometimes and it may not be a person he likes. A lot of men (not saying your husband) feel that wives spend all the extra deployment money on things and my bet is he has heard this from other people he is with and they keep egging him on. Deployments are tough when not expecting a baby but I've been through 2. The first one being less than 6 months into our mArriage and 5 months into our first pregnancy. It's a different dynamic. I would also encourage you to right the letter/email but tell him to read it in his rack away from the other sailors. They can be very cruel to a first time deployed sailor. Hugs Hun.

Well seeing as its not out of character reading your post, I still stand by my comments though.

I think this is a really slippery slope. I know a woman who had a pretty good marriage for a while. Her husband was in the Air Force at first. Then he transferred to the Navy. After a while, he really changed and started physically abusing her. He blamed it on the Navy, which she bought for a long time before she finally left. I'm not saying that is what is going on here, but I think it can be really dangerous to excuse someone's behavior by blaming it on others. DH was in the Navy for 5 yrs and was at the Naval Academy for 4 years before that (and so many of those guys treat women heinously- I have friends who can vouch for that about many of them). But Drew never chose to behave the way those people did and never treated me any differently, regardless of the people he was around. I'm not saying it's not hard on them, it absolutely is, but cruelty is never an appropriate response. I'm not saying this to be combative, but just because it was really hard to see what my friend went through believing that and I wouldn't want to see anyone else in the same or a similar situation.
Gen88 and pamela.burke611 like this.
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  #22  
February 15th, 2013, 06:47 PM
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I never said it was an excuse, I was actually saying what my husband said he saw happen to others during deployment because I asked his experience. I obviously don't know him outside this instance, but my husband was just giving his input on things he saw. Some of his comments completely are out of line but others about fb seeing them before him sounds like he is hurt. I do not condone abusive behavior at all but I think that saying he is from this one post is wrong. But your environment can change people he is not on a ship and those dynamics are different. If she came here and said my husband hit me and is abusing me blames it on his deployment and he military my response would be different. I am not condoning his comments in the slightest but I do think if he is impressionable that his enviroment could add to his attitude. But I don't know him outside of this post.
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  #23  
February 15th, 2013, 07:18 PM
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I wasn't trying to start anything. Going through what I did with my friend just made me really sensitive to this kind of thing. I'm not trying to peg this guy based on one post. I am more concerned about someone else who may see this in a more dangerous situation and blame it on others. It just scares me. And if this kind of controlling and cruel behavior is typical, I find that extra concerning because that kind of behavior often precedes physical abuse. Like I said, I know I am more sensitive because of what I have seen (like bruises shaped like fingers around a neck). I wasn't trying to bash you, just caution anyone who may be in a similar situation against going too far in the direction of saying it's because of what others are saying.

I do believe that he is hurting and I think that should be addressed. I just think that it is important to take hurtful behavior seriously and to be careful. I'm sorry if I didn't (and if I still haven't) communicated what I meant well.
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  #24  
February 15th, 2013, 07:48 PM
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I didnt think you were bashing me, I just wanted it to be clear that I don't think that people should stay in abusive relationships and blame it on something else or someone else. That was not what I was saying at all. Just that based on what my husband saw it could be because of an enviroment if this is not typical behavior.

It took months for my husband to stop talking similar to people on the ship when he got home after spending 9 months with the same people. Not like this but he said things that he would never usually say. He f word was every other word, he would say late when he would get off the phone. It's not the same but it just shows that it can change how you speak. I have talked to her in PM and I am confident that this is not typical behavior in their relationship.
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  #25  
February 15th, 2013, 08:20 PM
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What a tough situation. My DH has never been in the military, I can only only try to imagine how tough it must be for both of you. My brother had multiple deployments with the USMC and I do know that being away from your wife, with a bunch of guys whose wives may or mat not be running wild will impact ones mental health. Add in the narcissism and the hurt of feeling left out and it is a perfect storm.

I don't really have any advice, I think the other ladies that have been there are better equipped in that area, but I did want to let you know I always have an ear if you want to talk.
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  #26  
February 15th, 2013, 11:16 PM
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I must confess I talked to my DH about this whole situation as he was a Navy man as well and I was a bit shocked and appalled that Lyndsays DH suggested that this was normal behavior from a military man. And he completely agreed with what Kyle said stating that ALL military men act like this while deployed and also said that often the other men on ship during deployment will talk badly about how military wives and girlfriends act etc. Even encouraging married men to have a girlfriend at every port so to speak. He also said the reason that men act like complete jerks to their wives is because they are upset about missing out on things but hide their emotions with macho attitude as they cant let the other guys see them cry type of a deal. He also said many many men push away their wives and gfs as a way to cope with their inability to show their emotions. Especially over missing out on anything to do with a birth of their child....especially a first born. (My DH is not one to ever ever excuse abuse) But he said because of this behavior in military men often relationships fail. But he suggested that your best plan of action is to Kill your DH with kindness and to do your best to forgive him. He also suggested if your DHs behavior gets worse the silent treatment works real well on them as no deployed man wants to be cut off from home for long.
My own DH even admitted to me his way of coping while he was deployed and his first wife was preg was to not talk to her for months at a time....(this was back in the 80s so no skype or net basically it was letters only) And he came home to his kid walking and talking and calling another man daddy. And its things like that that often are the norm for military men to have happen to them and they are all afraid of deep down. And its stories like what DH went thru that other men are filling your DHs head with Rissa. Hope this insight helps.
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  #27  
February 16th, 2013, 08:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaSkunk View Post
I must confess I talked to my DH about this whole situation as he was a Navy man as well and I was a bit shocked and appalled that Lyndsays DH suggested that this was normal behavior from a military man. And he completely agreed with what Kyle said stating that ALL military men act like this while deployed and also said that often the other men on ship during deployment will talk badly about how military wives and girlfriends act etc. Even encouraging married men to have a girlfriend at every port so to speak. He also said the reason that men act like complete jerks to their wives is because they are upset about missing out on things but hide their emotions with macho attitude as they cant let the other guys see them cry type of a deal. He also said many many men push away their wives and gfs as a way to cope with their inability to show their emotions. Especially over missing out on anything to do with a birth of their child....especially a first born. (My DH is not one to ever ever excuse abuse) But he said because of this behavior in military men often relationships fail. But he suggested that your best plan of action is to Kill your DH with kindness and to do your best to forgive him. He also suggested if your DHs behavior gets worse the silent treatment works real well on them as no deployed man wants to be cut off from home for long.
My own DH even admitted to me his way of coping while he was deployed and his first wife was preg was to not talk to her for months at a time....(this was back in the 80s so no skype or net basically it was letters only) And he came home to his kid walking and talking and calling another man daddy. And its things like that that often are the norm for military men to have happen to them and they are all afraid of deep down. And its stories like what DH went thru that other men are filling your DHs head with Rissa. Hope this insight helps.
This is exactly what I was trying to say and the advice my husband gave as well with the kindness continuing to do what she is doing. They have a need to fit in especially being so far from family and friends ect. Now if after he gets home and things have gotten worse obviously something else needs to be done.
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  #28  
February 16th, 2013, 08:58 AM
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The things my husband heard during our 2 deployments were shocking, the stories people will tell just to see a reaction or to see what drama they can cause is amazing to me. Us being over here and them being over there is so different. We have not experienced anything they are.

I really hope no one thinks that I nor my husband condone abuse because that is certainly not the case.
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  #29  
February 16th, 2013, 09:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by navywifey2003 View Post

I really hope no one thinks that I nor my husband condone abuse because that is certainly not the case.
I never thought that at all. I felt you were simply offering a different perspective. One I think is very possibly true.





Rissa- Any updates? Are things getting any better? I hope so.
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