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DH always making me sad...long sorry


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
February 14th, 2013, 10:16 AM
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I know it's Valentine's day, and everyone is all about love and caring and their SO or DH, which is how my day started. But now, it's a different story....

Ok so my husband is deployed etc....

Every time I mention to him that I am doing something pregnancy-related, he gets so angry and mean. If I want to go shopping for maternity clothes, he says don't even think about it because you're not wasting money on things you're only going to wear for these 9 months. Um, hello! I have 4 shirts! That's all he has let me buy using "our" money. All my other clothes have come from my mother, which I really hate asking her to do those things for me

Last week I sent him a message, super excited, saying "Hey! I finally made up my mind and scheduled a 3D ultrasound! So we will finally be able to see our son." And he FLIPPED. Not because I was getting an US, but because I had the nerve to spend HIS hard earned money on something like that. And also accused me of the only reason I am having one done is because all of my "sl*tty" pregnant friends do it, and I just wanted photos to post on facebook. He said, I'm sure the facebook world will see them before I do anyway. He ALWAYS says these things. When I have never ever not once mentioned anything about my pregnancy or posted up any news or pictures before consulting him first about it. He didn't let me finish my sentence to tell him my mom surprised me by buying it for us for my birthday either! It totally hurt my feelings and made me go from ecstatic to tears, and now I'm not even excited about it anymore.

Then that same day, I told him my sister was being so awesome and buying me a maternity photo shoot for my birthday. Well that must have gone in one of his ears and out of the other because today I re mentioned it and said "I am having a really hard time deciding where to have my maternity photo shoot, any ideas?" And he literally said, "What photo shoot and why are you doing that? To put up your pictures on facebook for everyone to see before me? That's the stupidest thing you've done so far, oh well just another thing I'm getting left out of. And don't ever mention your stupid sister to me again." I was doing this photo shoot for him. I just wanted to get dolled up and look beautiful, frame some photos and send them to him, along with a 3D US photo. Kind of like a baby package. That was the very first thing that crossed my mind when my sister surprised me with it. So he starts going on saying how selfish I am for doing this, and in no way shape or form is it for him in any way. And he is constantly insulting my sister. He hates her and to this day I cannot come up with a reason why, and neither can he! She has been my BEST FRIEND since he has been deployed. She has offered so much to help with my pregnancy and be there for me. If I were him I would be thanking her, not hating her. And the last time I went out to dinner with her, he accused me of drinking and cheating on him!!! Um hello, I am pregnant, and MARRIED! And never ONCE have we ever had an infidelity issue in our relationship. So once again, I bursted into tears and just said forget about it I won't do it.

I understand that he is on the other side of the world, and it hurts his feelings that he can't be here to experience all of this. But he chose to be in the military, and we knew before we even got married there was going to be a period of time where we were going to be separated and it would be hard to miss out on things. But we MADE SURE we respected and understood that and knew we would get through it before we got married. This pregnancy was conceived with IVF, after trying for 2 years to get pregnant, and suffering an ectopic. Then finding out my remaining tube was completely damaged and unusable. So we have been through so much heartache and disappointment and waiting to get to where we are now, and now that I am pregnant I want to celebrate it in every way I can! I don't understand why he can't understand that and be supportive of it and it breaks my heart and makes me feel very unappreciated. We also timed it so that I would have this pregnancy to have a part of him while he was gone, and to have positive things to keep me busy and happy.

So, I don't know what to do about this. I am not going to sit in my house and do nothing while he is gone. I'm not going to NOT celebrate the fact that I am finally going to be a mother. I may not get the chance again who knows? I'm sorry this is so long. I don't really have any friends that would understand the way I am feeling...all of my other preggo girls are across the country from me. Thanks for listening ladies....
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  #2  
February 14th, 2013, 10:41 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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BTDT. Honestly my guess is this is his first child and he is missing everything. I know my husband hid a lot of those emotions from me but your husband is not. I honestly would try to not let it bother you too much, I mean yes it stinks that he is saying them but I tried so hard to put myself in his shoes while I was pregnant with David. How does he feel about writing emails to the baby? Thats what Kyle did and it really really helped him cope. It was a very difficult time in our marriage. Please dont hesitate to PM me hun.
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  #3  
February 14th, 2013, 11:10 AM
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maybe send him a letter that everything your second to last paragraph says. Sometimes feelings for more easily communicated when actually written or typed into words. This way he can read it twice if he needs too.
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  #4  
February 14th, 2013, 11:11 AM
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wow I'm very sorry you are having to go through this...my husband has been back a little over a year from deployment and some of the things you are going though I can relate to not to the extreme as what you are going though. My husband was and (sometimes still is) very angry and made me feel guilty for doing fun things, spending money, being happy the list goes on and mostly he was very jealous of people I was hanging out with ect. Feel free to pm me, email text, call whatever you need. hugs to you!
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  #5  
February 14th, 2013, 11:26 AM
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No advice but my DH has been known to be harsh/cruel to me during pregnancy. I really think men get jealous of some of the things we get to experience and lash out. Anyways, I think the BTDT ladies can help you and I wish you luck. HUGS
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  #6  
February 14th, 2013, 11:46 AM
MommaMandaPanda89's Avatar I'm having a Girl!
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My fiancee has been back from deployment a little over 6 months...I can relate to a lot of the things you are going through, and I honestly think what sunnydaze was saying is a great idea. Write out everything you feel and send it to him. It will help both of you. Help him to understand that just because he isn't there doesn't mean he isn't included in everything you are doing for the baby - and make sure he feels that way with things you are doing for the baby.
How long has he been deployed? Not that it makes tooooo much difference, but what branch is he?
As well as the other ladies, feel free to PM me, or we can e-mail or whatever would help you. Deployments are rough as is...being pregnant doesn't make it easier on either side - I'm sure.
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  #7  
February 14th, 2013, 01:10 PM
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I guess my sentiments wont be the same as the other ladies because I think he sounds like a huge jerk for what hes saying to you and how hes saying them to you. He may feel that hes missing out and all on the pregnancy but it sounds to me like your trying real hard to include him and theres no call for him to be snapping at you like that.If I were you I would write him and tell him exactly how hes making YOU feel and tell him if he dont stop his abusive comments then you can always stop including him in on things about the baby if he would rather have you do that.
In my book theres no call whatsoever for abusive comments and treatment and being deployed is surely not a reason. Tons of men are deployed every year and away from their wives when children are born and they dont act like that at all.
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  #8  
February 14th, 2013, 01:47 PM
MommaMandaPanda89's Avatar I'm having a Girl!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaSkunk View Post
I guess my sentiments wont be the same as the other ladies because I think he sounds like a huge jerk for what hes saying to you and how hes saying them to you. He may feel that hes missing out and all on the pregnancy but it sounds to me like your trying real hard to include him and theres no call for him to be snapping at you like that.If I were you I would write him and tell him exactly how hes making YOU feel and tell him if he dont stop his abusive comments then you can always stop including him in on things about the baby if he would rather have you do that.
In my book theres no call whatsoever for abusive comments and treatment and being deployed is surely not a reason. Tons of men are deployed every year and away from their wives when children are born and they dont act like that at all.
I don't disagree at all - I just know that all men handle deployments different which is what make it tough....but trust that I see EXACTLY where you are coming from and I don't disagree at all that he is wrong...deployed or not!!
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  #9  
February 14th, 2013, 02:52 PM
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I don't have any advice but that stinks. I am sorry!
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  #10  
February 14th, 2013, 03:40 PM
TeresaV's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaSkunk View Post
I guess my sentiments wont be the same as the other ladies because I think he sounds like a huge jerk for what hes saying to you and how hes saying them to you. He may feel that hes missing out and all on the pregnancy but it sounds to me like your trying real hard to include him and theres no call for him to be snapping at you like that.If I were you I would write him and tell him exactly how hes making YOU feel and tell him if he dont stop his abusive comments then you can always stop including him in on things about the baby if he would rather have you do that.
In my book theres no call whatsoever for abusive comments and treatment and being deployed is surely not a reason. Tons of men are deployed every year and away from their wives when children are born and they dont act like that at all.
Thank you for saying this. I was thinking the exact same thing, but probably wouldn't have said it in fear of hurting feelings. There really is no excuse for that kind of attitude.
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  #11  
February 14th, 2013, 04:07 PM
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I don't want to hurt your feelings, but what he's saying to you/the way he is saying it is controlling and it's emotional/mental abuse.... I was reading the comments and baffled at how in the world excuses were being made for him for him being gone.. that's no excuse. He should be overjoyed that you're doing those things and sending him pictures and wanting to shout to the rooftops (on Facebook) that you're pregnant. It sounds like he doesn't trust you and it sounds like he's taking out being gone on you and I am sorry because that's what he signed up for.. I do think he sounds like a real A-hole.. sorry. I hope it gets better <3
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  #12  
February 14th, 2013, 04:39 PM
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I didn't reply earlier when I first read this because I didn't think I could say anything constructive. I share the same opinion as Mamaskunk and pamela. It's okay for him to feel disappointed and left out. That is only natural. He can talk about that. But it's not okay for him to behave so rudely and childish.

I agree with writing everything out in a letter. I would also state that you would like to pursue marital counseling when he comes back because obviously he has forgotten how to work as a couple and you would like relearn with him.
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  #13  
February 14th, 2013, 04:55 PM
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I agree with each and every thing every once of you ladies have said. Normally I would stand up for him, but not this time. He is being a JERK to the max. Very early in our marriage I kind of diagnosed him (yeah I'm not doctor so what) as being a Narcissist. He has no empathy, and cannot realize when he is hurting someone because he is too concentrated on himself. There's only 2 choices with a narcissist, leave them, or train yourself to deal with them correctly. I love him for who he is, but sometimes it's kind of hard to get my point across or my feelings understood.

I have decided, with some kind words, to just keep doing everything exactly the way I am doing it. I am going to enjoy my pregnancy, keep sending him photos and videos, and get my US and photoshoot done. I know him well enough to know as soon as he sees all my pictures including our son, he might soften up a little bit. I am giving him the complete silent treatement right now, and am going to continue it until Saturday even if he does apologize. I sent him a message today and just exploded! So he might leave me alone until then.

Thanks girls
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  #14  
February 14th, 2013, 04:56 PM
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My guess is the people he is with, especially if this is out of character for him. They get fed information about how military wives are while they are deployed and can loose their filter. I really don't think he is being abusive emotionally I think that is a bit harsh. But I don't know him, if he is not like this normally then a lot can be said to who is spending his day with and what other people say or do during the deployment. This is his first deployment the first one is hard. I'm not making excuses for him because I don't feel he should talk like that but it changes you. It took months after kyles return to stop using the f word so much which is out of character for him. Your environment molds you into a different person sometimes and it may not be a person he likes. A lot of men (not saying your husband) feel that wives spend all the extra deployment money on things and my bet is he has heard this from other people he is with and they keep egging him on. Deployments are tough when not expecting a baby but I've been through 2. The first one being less than 6 months into our mArriage and 5 months into our first pregnancy. It's a different dynamic. I would also encourage you to right the letter/email but tell him to read it in his rack away from the other sailors. They can be very cruel to a first time deployed sailor. Hugs Hun.

Well seeing as its not out of character reading your post, I still stand by my comments though.
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  #15  
February 14th, 2013, 05:00 PM
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He is normally quite vulgar and rude lol, but not to me. We had a very hard first few weeks when he deployed first and fought for DAYSSSS because he couldn't stop accusing me of cheating and this and that which is not like him at all. And yes, he has heard many many things about how some wives are while their husbands are gone! Every guy he hangs out with out there is also married as well. I keep encouraging him to talk with them about how they are dealing with the stress, but God forbid he shows any emotions! He's always gotta be the tough guy that don't care about nothin!
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  #16  
February 14th, 2013, 05:04 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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Kyle and I were the same way. Its just the nature Of the beast. So him being this way to you is out of character? So I stand by what I said he is having a ton Of outside influence and being on his first deployment he is so impressionable. He believes what he hears around the scuttlebutt. (My husband added that )

I bet all the single people are telling him that you are running through the extra pay like its water. That's what they told Kyle.'
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  #17  
February 14th, 2013, 05:45 PM
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I'm sorry he's hurting you, I can't relate on the deployment part, but the things he's saying to you, like " I'm sure the facebook world will see them before I do anyway"...is definitely screaming hurt and jealousy to me. Talking about being deployed while pregnant is one thing, but when it comes to the reality of it, I'm sure it's quite different for him! I hope you both can work through this and I hope he gets home soon! hugs!
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  #18  
February 15th, 2013, 10:16 AM
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I just want you to be supported by your family and friends (those of us here on JM as well) in your pregnancy and decisions.

I cannot relate to a military lifestyle and deployments but I can relate to a Narcissist. I had a psychologist tell me once that they are the worst kind of mental disorder because they are so consumed with themselves that they do anything to keep that distorted image up. I have been on the end of the comments you mentioned, especially the one about my "slutty friends" and it is very hurtful.

I do know that nobody could give me the advice I needed because I had to make a decision on my own, when I was ready if it was the right situation for me. Ultimately it was not and my new husband has shown me how a real relationship is and has been wonderful during this pregnancy and every other part of our life.

I just want to wish you luck and I am very glad your sister is so supportive and there for you as your best friend. that is so important to have when your loved one is gone. My sister's husband was gone on deployment and I was there for her everyday.

Can't wait to see your maternity pics! have fun and enjoy the photo shoot.
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  #19  
February 15th, 2013, 10:57 AM
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Wow, honestly I don't like to beat around the bush so I won't make an exception this time. Your husband is a real *****#ole he has no right to treat you that way. I don't care if he's deployed, the things he says makes me think he has controlling issues. You have to put an end to this now because if you keep taking his insults and mental abuse he will continue to do it because he knows you won't do anything about it. Please dont make excuses for him since he's deployed because there is no excuse for the way he treats you, if he knew missing out on the pregnancy would be an issue then he shouldn't of joined the military. He needs to realize this is also your first child and you would like to enjoy it as well. You really need to have a serious talk with him and set your foot down and let him know you won't take any more of his mental abuse. Always remember you deserve way better than that.
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  #20  
February 15th, 2013, 11:00 AM
enchantingdragon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow Im really sorry. Thats incredibly harsh and uncalled for I think on your DHs part but maybe it just reminds him of what he is missing? I dont think thats an excuse to treat your wife and the mother of your child like maybe he just dosnt know how to express his sadness and disappointment? I really dont have any advice but didnt want to read without saying something. Hugs Im sorry
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