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Are you AP or Traditional, how did you come to your parenting style?


Forum: June 2013 Playroom

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  #21  
March 9th, 2013, 12:55 AM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by navywifey2003 View Post
And this is why I love this board. Great discussion ladies!
Agreed!

I hope it is helping some of the FTM. If anyone has questions about any of the topics, please ask. Its the only way you are going to figure out what works for your family.

I also want to add one more thought. In our house, almost all the behaviour issues we have had have stemmed from parental issues. Ie - inconsistent redirection or not addressing something the first time (usually from surprise or not realizing it will be a repeat action). Most of the sleep issues between 18 -24 months were because we didn't stay insistent on the night waking routine.

Every child needs consistencey in parenting and it is so hard to do sometimes. That include consistency between parents. Even when I disagree with DH, we stay consistent with B until we cone to an agreement. Night wakings is a great example. I wanted to leave B so he would put himself back to sleep. Dh would go in and soothe. Until I got him to agree that our soothing was making it worse, I shared the duty. I worked on DHuntil he finally was ready to try something different.
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  #22  
March 9th, 2013, 04:20 AM
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Our style has evolved with my age.

Our first. I had no idea what I was doing - although I think Alek and I got the hang of it together. He was EBF and I continued BF (at morning and night) until he was 18 months of age. I planned for him to sleep in his crib, but ended up sleeping in a large chair with him on my chest (the only way to stop the crying). We used pampers and Gerber food. I changed my schedule to match his need. He had closets filled with outfits and a hand painted mural on his wall (done by someone who just graduated college with an art degree).

While I was on maternity leave with our second (Ethan), we learned Alek had PDD-NOS (which later was identified as Aspergers). We started a LOT of therapy with him. This meant that our second was along for the ride. I nursed and pumped at work. However, he would only take a bottle if it was 1/2 expressed milk and half formula. Our kids are 22 months apart. I was too exhausted to fight and left him have the 1/2 formula when I was at work. He also learned to get rocked for night. You would place him on your shoulder for him to scream for 5 minutes and then he would zonk. He then slept in his crib at night. Our first still was demanding me to be with him in his room at night, so DH did a lot of the bedtimes with our second while I was with the first. I painted the murals on his wall (not as good as the one for our first - although he still will not let me paint over it 8 years later). His closet was a bit smaller.

This time "I say things will be different". I suppose we will see. I want Ellianna to learn to get herself to sleep at night. I know that I have an inability to let kids CIO though. (I am not against it - I just cannot do it). I anticipated the needs of our first child and jumped to do everything. This time I want Ellianna to be more independent with some of her own needs. That said, I want to try making our own food this time. I never even thought of it with our first children.

While I am a push over on some things, I am strict on others. Behavior is one of those things. I NEED our children to be well behaved. We love to travel and I will not go without them. They need to learn to sit on an airplane without screaming, sit in a child appropriate restaurant (one with paper and crayons), play properly with toys, respect items in the home, and sit in their strollers (or in the sling). Although we are fortunate to have a huge backyard (and now an large pool). They need time to run wild in the yard and be active. They know that is outside stuff though.
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  #23  
March 9th, 2013, 07:01 AM
MarylandMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think we probably fall into the more traditional category. As long as it works for us again and for the baby, we will probably do things the same as with DD. She slept in the P&P in our room for 5 weeks, then to her crib in her room. We never had to really do CIO at all. She has always been really great going to sleep. Not sure that we will get this lucky again, but even at 2, she will tell us she is tired, get her blankey, and head upstairs. No fuss.

I did make her baby food myself bc I wanted it all to be organic and I wanted to know exactly what was in it.

I am a behavior analyst, so we use the science based strategies that I use for work with her. We have not spanked thus far. We are in agreement that, when the kids are old enough that lying is a problem, they will be spanked for lying. This was policy in my house growing up and I fully support it. My grandpa always said, "You can trust a thief to steal, but you can never trust a liar." DH and I believe that and want our kids to value honesty and integrity. When DD does not listed, she is physically prompted to do so pretty quickly. We don't do repeated directions or counting or things like that bc I believe she should have to listen on the first time. If only we could get the grandparents on board with the follow through a bit more.

I don't babywear, just not for me. DH did get a carrier for this baby that he says he will wear. I don't have a problem with him or anyone else doing it. It's just not my thing. I do a lot of holding tho. We also do disposable diapers. I have had some though to doing cloth part time, but I don't know if I could handle it and I know DH couldn't. I am big on babies having breast milk for the first year. With DD, direct BF did not work out well for us, but I pumped like a maniac and she had that until 1 when we made the switch to cow's milk. With this baby, I hope to be able to do a combination of direct BF and pumping. Pumping will be necessary when I go back to work and that did make it easy for DH and I to have time out alone together. Other members of our family also had opportunities to bond with DD by giving her bottles. It worked out well for us.

I also do a lot of making memories. DD and I bake together and I let her help me cook. Birthdays are always HUGE deals and so are holidays. I also do special "bad" things once in a while like cake for dinner. I want there to be fun and special things that the kids will always remember doing with Mommy. Not sure if that is quite on topic, but it is something that is important to me about the way I parent.
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Last edited by MarylandMama; March 9th, 2013 at 09:01 AM.
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  #24  
March 9th, 2013, 07:32 AM
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As babies, I am a mix of parenting styles. My mother and I never developed that close bond. I love her to death, but she didn't breastfeed, she worked two jobs and went to school at night. I spend the majority of my time as a child with my greatgrandmother.

So I breastfed. I wanted the bond. I also wanted all that extra stuff breastmilk gives that formula doesn't. My family actually thought I was weird or gross for breastfeeding. They really hurt my feelings acting like it was an incestuous thing.

But after a month or two, it became the normal and they accepted it. It was no big deal for Sebastian and now they expect it for baby girl.

I don't cloth diaper because it is too much work and I think its pretty gross. I know it saves the world and they have cute covers...but I like the idea of being able to throw it away after its been used.

I bought my baby food, because I never knew how easy it was to make it. I will try making it this time around.,

I gave my kids solids and food when they acted like they were ready for it.

I am a PARENT first and a friend second. I will love you, listen to you, joke with you, and have fun. But you will respect me, as you respect all your olders and you will listen to me when I tell you to do something.

My discipline routine alters per the offense. Time out, loss of privileges, and once in a great while Sebastian will see a spanking. Alex is too old.

I DO NOT bed share. I love my bed, my space and my sleep. I can't sleep next to a baby for fear of rolling onto it or something. I need my sleeping space.

I do CIO...not for long periods of time. But I don't cave. This starts around 3 months.
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  #25  
March 9th, 2013, 07:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by navywifey2003 View Post
And this is why I love this board. Great discussion ladies!
I agree! I noticed some different definitions of CIO, in reference to the older child throwing tantrums. I don't consider throwing a tantrum to be CIO. By definition, I don't believe it is. Once a child is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, or something like throwing a fit because they can't get the toy they want, etc is most definitely a tantrum that they will have to learn to deal with IMO! When they cry in that sense of things, I, personally, do not feel bad and try to talk my child through it.

I totally agree about behavior issues stemming from parental issues. Or, on a similar note, sometimes a tantrum is brought on by hunger, frustration, or just plain tired! I always try to address those 3 things before becoming upset and frustrated myself, or prepare for it (naps).


For those who want additional help with sleeping solutions, the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley was a LIFE SAVER book. I actually used the toddler version to help night wean Connor and have him fall asleep on his own when he was close to 2 years old. But I've heard the original book is just as awesome. She offers so many different things to try, it's not a "do this and it will work" type of book, she knows all babies/children are different and she offers so many awesome solutions to try to help! I highly recommend it. There's also a facebook group for Q&A and help! She also has other no cry solution books, off the top of my head there's nap time and potty training.

BARNES & NOBLE | The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley | NOOK Book (eBook), Paperback

FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2557...ref=ts&fref=ts
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  #26  
March 9th, 2013, 07:36 AM
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Oh and I don't baby wear. I think it is healthy to put your baby down throughout the day and let them have their own space as well. I used to hold Alex all the time and he started to develop seperation anxiety and I couldn't leave the room without him melting down.

So with Sebastian, i made an effort not to hold him ALL THE TIME...it worked out much better.
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  #27  
March 9th, 2013, 11:02 AM
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I am also eclectic in my parenting style. Very traditional and conservative in certain ways, AP in other practices.

And for FTM's I want to say that it is perfectly fine if you don't know where on the spectrum you will land! You can't really decide with absolute certainty what kind of mom you will be until you know what your child will need from you as he/she (or the family) grows. It's like suddenly there is a whole list of RULES to follow in order to identify your parenting "style" and it gets complicated and overwhelming. But it really doesn't matter how you label yourself (unless you're the type to find such a thing helpful). Best thing to do is to keep the research in moderation and understand that most of your education in parenting will be on the job.
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  #28  
March 9th, 2013, 12:12 PM
ashleykathleen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bribugg13 View Post
I agree! I noticed some different definitions of CIO, in reference to the older child throwing tantrums. I don't consider throwing a tantrum to be CIO. By definition, I don't believe it is. Once a child is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, or something like throwing a fit because they can't get the toy they want, etc is most definitely a tantrum that they will have to learn to deal with IMO! When they cry in that sense of things, I, personally, do not feel bad and try to talk my child through it.

For those who want additional help with sleeping solutions, the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley was a LIFE SAVER book. I actually used the toddler version to help night wean Connor and have him fall asleep on his own when he was close to 2 years old. But I've heard the original book is just as awesome. She offers so many different things to try, it's not a "do this and it will work" type of book, she knows all babies/children are different and she offers so many awesome solutions to try to help! I highly recommend it.
I just had to second these two thoughts. For me, when I refer to CIO I am referring to an infant. I just cannot bring myself to let my infant cry for hours on end. Don't get me wrong, I don't rush in to get them the second they make a peep. I usually try to wait a bit to see if they will soothe themselves. Many times they do but when they don't and they get increasingly more and more upset, I can't do it. Every fiber of my being starts telling me its wrong and I need to tend to my baby. Just me though.

And I can't recommend the toddler version of that book enough! It was truly a sanity saver for me! Kiefer has been a terrible sleeper from day 1 and used to have to be rocked to sleep until he was almost 2. He wouldn't hardly sleep in his own bed and he would wake up 5-6 times a night, even in our bed. We started using several techniques from that book right around his 2nd birthday. Now, almost 4 months later, he will fall asleep on his own in his own bed with very little fussing. He usually only wakes up once a night to come in our bed and that night time waking is getting later and later all the time so he is spending less and less time in our bed! We are now at a point where he usually comes in around 4-5am which is a huge improvement. Naps are much better for us too! I just can't say enough about this book!
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  #29  
March 9th, 2013, 02:24 PM
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I am pretty AP I guess. For my area I am not very extreme in that, all the babywearing/cosleeping/EBFing an infant stuff is sort of expected for SAHMs around my hippie town and seen as normal/mainstream. Because I am pro-science, vaccinate on schedule/as recommended by my pediatrician, am equally wary of herbs as I am of western drugs, don't take my kid to the chiropractor or acupuncturist, I am actually seen as sort of traditional around here it's all relative!!

I have my own take on discipline. In some ways it is very hippie/AP because I flat out do not punish. I do not try to make M feel bad for misbehaving, or want her to fear/respect me or DH as authority figures. I set limits and control her environment (the kitchen is gated off and the house is very babyproof) and take things away from her all the time and refuse her inappropriate requests (like for unlimited juice and videos), I am not permissive. But I try hard to understand her age, development, personality etc, her healthy desire to explore, experiment, test boundaries, and let her do that in a safe space as much as possible. I pick my battles. When I do refuse her something, I use a positive redirection too, and try to not get angry or harsh with it, just neutral "nope that's not happening. Here is this instead." When she has tantrums and emotional meltdowns, if we are in a safe space for it, I sit with her calmly and let her go through the cycle and let out her feelings, with some sympathetic noises and words, but not really actively soothing or distracting her out of it. I want her to feel like her big feelings are okay and she is safe to express them in the right time/place.

I am also super into free range parenting as she gets older. I do not hover. I let her fall, bump herself, get scrapes, etc. My rule of thumb is, if it's a possible ER trip I intervene. Otherwise, I let her fall off the ladder or whatever and learn from it. This has been a huge sanity saver as she is a VERY active and mobile child and now has great natural caution and sense of her own limits as she plays, with minimal effort from me!

Every kid and every mom is different and it is a dance to learn what works best at any given time. But to me the cornerstone of AP is checking in constantly with your connection/bond to your child and making sure you are nurturing that at all times. If it feels right, it feels like it is helping the mutual trust and bond, then it is right for you. Whether that means weaning at 4 weeks or 4 years, etc. I am not into following laundry lists of cookie cutter parenting directives.
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  #30  
March 9th, 2013, 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
.

I am also super into free range parenting as she gets older. I do not hover. I let her fall, bump herself, get scrapes, etc. My rule of thumb is, if it's a possible ER trip I intervene. Otherwise, I let her fall off the ladder or whatever and learn from it. This has been a huge sanity saver as she is a VERY active and mobile child and now has great natural caution and sense of her own limits as she plays, with minimal effort from me!
This in particular is something I do also. I want my children to have a healthy courage and not feel confined. I have been around parents who are completely opposite and I could not live like that. I would have a nervous breakdown. Mainly though, I think it's a natural part of learning and growing and does create that "great natural caution and sense of [their] own limits".
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  #31  
March 9th, 2013, 09:57 PM
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I kinda go with the flow but I definitely lean towards the crunchy side. With Miles we exclusively bedshared until he was about a year old. At first it was due to the constant nursing, and later it was because we had a family member unexpectedly move in with us and he literally had no bedroom (and still does not). He now sleeps in a crib in our room, but every once in awhile still joins us in bed if he happens to wake up before morning. It wasn't my plan to bedshare but it was the only way that I would've ever continued breastfeeding, honestly. And even though I love having my personal space back in my bed, I do have VERY fond memories of snuggling up next to my little guy every night for all of those months. More than likely I will bedshare with this baby, too. Though I will also attempt to get him/her to sleep in a co-sleeper or PNP next to the bed, too, if possible.

As far as food, I am a big breastfeeding advocate. I breastfed Miles despite a LOT of issues, and it was a phenomenal experience. I hope to have the same success with this baby. For solids we just started when he seemed ready around 5 1/2-6ish months. I make a lot of my own baby food but also used organic jarred stuff for when we're out or have sitters.

I do cloth diaper and babywear. I also do not do CIO, despite how very tempting it was since Miles has a long history of being a terrible sleeper. We have done some very, very gentled controlled CIO with Miles over the past several weeks but it's been on his terms and very successful. Really all it is, is us rocking him and putting him in his crib, him half-*** fussing for a minute, and then falling asleep. So in my opinion it's not CIO. It's just him protesting and then passing out. Not that bad .

For discipline I hate spanking. Unfortunately, my DH does not. I'm not sure we'll ever see eye to eye on it . I do swat hands when I need to, but the thought of laying into my kid's bottom kills me. I just can't do it.

As far as my influences....when my daughters were born ten years ago I was a MUCH different parent, and was very influenced by my super-traditional mother. She was a formula feeding, crib sleeping, CIO, don't-spoil-your-baby kind of mother, and since I was so young and had no clue what I was doing I just followed her lead. My daughters have turned out fine so it is what it is, but I do regret some of the choices I made back then. They really didn't fit who I was/am. With Miles I was older and more sure of myself so I ended up doing things very differently, but it was what felt right for me. My mother thinks I am totally insane and she criticizes me constantly, but I feel good about the way we're raising Miles. Ultimately each kiddo has different needs, but I assume I'll be generally the same way with this baby, too.
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  #32  
March 9th, 2013, 10:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jhmomofmany View Post
I am also eclectic in my parenting style. Very traditional and conservative in certain ways, AP in other practices.

And for FTM's I want to say that it is perfectly fine if you don't know where on the spectrum you will land! You can't really decide with absolute certainty what kind of mom you will be until you know what your child will need from you as he/she (or the family) grows. It's like suddenly there is a whole list of RULES to follow in order to identify your parenting "style" and it gets complicated and overwhelming. But it really doesn't matter how you label yourself (unless you're the type to find such a thing helpful). Best thing to do is to keep the research in moderation and understand that most of your education in parenting will be on the job.
I'm on my fourth and I still don't know where I stand on the spectrum! Lol just happy to have happy healthy kids. I try my best!
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  #33  
March 10th, 2013, 10:00 AM
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I guess my style falls into AP but honestly it has really been doing what comes natrally. We brought ds home and it was just natural to have sleep with us so we could check him and i could breastfeed. It was later I started to research cosleeping and benefits and with ds I see them. He is very secure and naturally is migrating to sleeping on his own at 10 months.

I did some babywearing but found it difficult to constantly have his weight on me. Ds was also so content to swing or sit in his bouncer so I went with it. In public I chose to babywear. With baby on the way I will probably be babywearing more just to keep up with ds.

I dont plan to spank...but discipline will be important and I think every child learns differently. We have to see what works.
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  #34  
March 10th, 2013, 11:54 AM
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I am loving ready all of these responses!!!!

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