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Pamela's TTC Journal


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  #1  
September 25th, 2009, 08:03 PM
mommy_2_ava_1109's Avatar Mommy to Ava & Jack
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Anna, TX
Posts: 1,135
September 25, 2009

I thought I would start a journal so I can keep track of everything. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my DH Sean for 3 years and we have a beautiful DD Ava; she is almost 3. I conceived Ava within 5 months of meeting my husband. We were not trying for a baby, but we were not doing anything to prevent pregnancy either. I was so excited when I got that BFP on March 23, 2006. That was one of the happiest and scariest days of my life. I had a very normal pregnancy. No complications at all. Ava's due date was Nov. 13, but my Dr. decided to induce me on Nov 9. Ava was born @ 5:38 PM on Nov 9, after about 8 1/2 hrs. of labor. She was a healthy 8 1/2 lbs and 21 in. long. My life really started to mean something then.

Since I had a baby, I wasn't really up to having sex for a few months (neither was DH after seeing me give birth! LOL). Once I started feeling up to it again, we decided that birth control wasn't really that big a deal since we didn't get pregnant until 5 months of having unprotected sex. For some reason, we just felt like we didn't have sex enough to be on birth control and I didn't have very regular periods either. In April of 2007 (Ava was 5 months old), we went to Galveston, TX for a little vacation. My DH and I had sex (BD) one of the mornings we were there. We had only had sex like twice since I had the baby. I never thought twice about pregnancy. I just didn't think it would happen for some reason. At the end of May, I wasn't feeling very well and I just knew I was pregnant before I even took a test. I just felt it. Sure enough, I got a BPT. I was so stressed out. Having my one baby was a lot of work! Plus, our finances weren't very strong then. I was having to wait tables 6 nights a week at a steakhouse, while my husband held a day job. Ava also had pretty severe cholic when she was a month old. That was so stressful! All I could do was cry along with her, day and night. I was not at all ready to have another baby. So I took the selfish route. I had an abortion on May 30, a week after I found out. That was the most horrible experience ever. Not only was it physically excruciating, but it was very emotionally traumatizing as well. I never in my life thought I would ever have an abortion. But I felt desperate. The fetus was 6 weeks old. I've regretted it ever since.

(Please don't judge me. It went against my morals, but I felt it was the best thing at the time.)

After that terrible experience, I immediately got on birth control. I also started abusing prescription meds (xanax and hydrocodone) to ease the pain of my broken body and heart. My husband and I struggled a lot for the next year. We even had to move in with his mother in September of '07 for 13 months, just so we could get caught up on bills. My drug abuse became an addiction and I became out of control. My August of 2008, I was taking pills every day and running around with the wrong people, leaving my daughter with my MIL every day so I could go use drugs and run around. I was a complete mess! We moved into a house in October '08, and I continued my nonsense. After numerous times of running off for days at a time, leaving my DD and DH, my DH finally decided to take my DD and leave me (Dec 12, 2009) At this point, CPS had intervened (after a guy was arrested in my house with drugs) and took away my rights to my daughter. I wasn't able to see my baby for 5 weeks!!! It was so horrible. I was living in my big house all alone. My DH moved all the furniture out and put it in storage (he was afraid I'd steal it all or sell it for drugs.) I was so lonely and distraught over not being able to see my baby girl. I finally hit my bottom! I thought about suicide, but never really had the guts to go thru with it. On Christmas Day (all alone), I decided to make a change. I decided not to use drugs anymore. I started going to Narcotics Anonymous and seeing a counselor regularly for my addiction. I finally was able to see my baby girl on January 14, 2009. It was so great to see her!!!! Her hair had grown out so long and curly. She seemed a lot bigger in only 5 weeks. I still wasn't able to be alone with her until Feb 9. My DH and DD moved back in on Feb 9. I continued to go to NA and counseling. I was getting routine drug tests for CPS.

Today, September 25, 2009, I have been clean for 9 MONTHS!!! I haven't picked up a drug in 9 MONTHS!!! A year ago, I never would have thought this is where I would be. I have a wonderful sponsor who I'm working the 12 steps with (currently on Step 4). CPS is finally closing the case. I enrolled myself in online college in April, and I currently have a 3.92 GPA and 12 credits. I'm studying Psychology with the hopes of being a counselor one day. Maybe even getting my PhD and becoming a Psychologist. I've realized that the possibilities are endless.

Ava is now very healthy and happy and loving and compassionate and smart!!!! She will be 3 on November 9. We're going to have a big Spongebob Extravaganza at our new home (we are moving to a new home on October 15). My relationship with my DH has improved significantly also. We have become best friends again. I love being with him. I love taking care of him. I love cooking for him. I just love him very much! I can't even put it into words. He's put up with so much crap from me over the last couple of years. He's showed me that his love for me is unconditional and that our relationship matters a great deal to him. He never fully gave up on me, and I will be forever grateful.

SO...... we decided about 5 months ago that we wanted to go ahead and do away with the birth control pills. My cycle has always been erratic, but since being off birth control, it's been pretty consistent. I have a 47 day cycle!!! I know.... It's very long!!! But it's been right on time every cycle, for the past 3-4 cycles. Unfortunately, since I have a long cycle, I don't ovulate but once every 7 weeks. When we first threw away the birth control, I was just guessing for the first cycle (BFN), then I started checking the fertility calculator (i still wasn't getting O time right.) So finally, we broke down and bought some OPKs last month. My last period was on August 18. I started testing with OPK around September 4 or 5, just in case. (My OPKs came in a 20-pack.) By about September 20, I was starting to think maybe I wasn't ovulating. On September 21, my usually faint line got quite a bit darker (but still not positive.) I got very optimistic. The next day, Sept 22, I got a BFP!!! I was so excited! This means I got the positive on CD 35, which meant I probably was going to ovulate on the 23rd (CD 36) and that would make my luteal phase 11 days or so. PERFECT!!! I feel like such a normal woman! i finally have a regular (rather long) cycle! On the 22nd, DH and I had sex. We also did it on the 23rd and 24th. By yesterday, he was worn out! He was such a good sport through it all. We normally have sex once or twice a week lately. But he was able to keep it going 3 days in a row! I'm feeling very optimistic about this cycle. I'm only 2dpo right now. I don't want to get my hopes up, though, so I'm trying to convince myself that even if we don't get pregnant right now, it's not a bad thing. We can always try again in 47 more days!

So, thank you for reading my story. I will continue to post my progress. If you get anything out of my story, I hope it's inspiration and hope. Every clean addict is a miracle and things really can get better. My life has never been so satisfying and wonderful. I'm so blessed to have such a great family!

THANKS AGAIN FOR READING!!!!

Pamela

LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!
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  #2  
September 25th, 2009, 11:21 PM
<>*NaYoMi_BaBy_Dreamer*<>'s Avatar N.T.N.P.( I need a break)
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your story touched my heart...i hope nothing but the best for you....and I am sure Ava wants a sibling.
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  #3  
September 26th, 2009, 07:47 AM
JessMitch's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 2,342
Hi Pamela welcome to the sight. First off I just want to say that I am so proud of you for having 9 months of sobreity! I am a substance abuse counselor so I know about all the pain and struggling you must have went though. You are a very strong person and I wish you the best of luck on your journey of recovery. Secondly, I want to say that I have experienced what you have gone through... When I was 21 I got pregnant too, we were being stupid and not using any form of birth control. It was my husband who I went through this with but we had only been dating for a few months at the time and we just weren't ready. Although we're still together now and married too, I still don't regret what I did tooo much because I don't know what would have happened to us had we had a baby. But there are definately times that I think about how my life would be now. Just be strong and you will be okay! I have a journal too if you want to read along, although I'm not a huge updater because I don't chart and stuff soo.. anyway, my names Jess and again welcome to justmommies!! Oh and good luck on your BFP!!!!!!
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  #4  
September 26th, 2009, 09:21 AM
mommy_2_ava_1109's Avatar Mommy to Ava & Jack
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Anna, TX
Posts: 1,135
Thank you guys so much!
Jess, that's really great that you're a substance abuse counselor. I would love to do that one day!
Thanks for the encouraging words. It's nice to hear from someone who's been there! I will be reading your journal for sure!
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  #5  
September 26th, 2009, 01:24 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story and good luck.
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  #6  
September 27th, 2009, 12:35 PM
mommy_2_ava_1109's Avatar Mommy to Ava & Jack
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Anna, TX
Posts: 1,135
September 27, 2009

I am now 4dpo. I'm very anxious. I'm trying not to think about it all the time. My active 3 year old helps me out with that. I'm feeling something in the lower part of my abdomen. I've been having what feel like O pains since the day I ovulated. They never went away. I just feel very full way down low. Hoping for the best, but I'm not trying to get too excited too soon. I've been let down so many times before. Right now, I'm just trying to convince myself of all the reasons it would be ok not to get pregnant this cycle. 1. One more month of being able to drink my occasional beer. 2. We're moving next month, so morning sickness would definitely put a damper on that. 3. We just got my 3 year old out of diapers, so an extra month of not having to buy them would be a plus. 4. I've only been clean from drugs for 9 months. It wouldn't hurt to have some extra clean time under my belt before having another baby. So, there you go. Those are all my reasons why it's ok I don't get pregnant. I suggest to anyone TTC that they have this kind of list. That way, if/when AF arrives, looking at the list will make it easier to accept that this just wasn't the month.

Well, I'm about to take the kiddo with me to the grocery store. I found this great cookbook at Tuesday Morning. It was written by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld's wife). In order to get her kids to eat better, she buys all different kinds of fruits and veggies (sweet potatoes, squash, cauliflour, broccoli, spinach, strawberries, bananas, carrots, raspberries, blueberries, etc.) and purees them in 1/2 cup portions. She made up all kinds of recipes that use the pureed portions, and the kids never even know they're there. I think it's a great concept, so we're going to try it. Ava will not touch any fruits and veggies, so I'm hoping this works. I'll be sure and update you on how it's going. The book is called "Deceptively Delicious" in case you want to look for it.

Lots of sticky baby dust to you!! Thanks for reading my journal entry.
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  #7  
September 27th, 2009, 02:04 PM
<>*NaYoMi_BaBy_Dreamer*<>'s Avatar N.T.N.P.( I need a break)
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thanks to you...im going to start writing long lists each month that i get af...to help me feel better...cause what i have been doing...has not been working... i hope you get your and you have a lot going on.
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  #8  
September 27th, 2009, 05:13 PM
mommy_2_ava_1109's Avatar Mommy to Ava & Jack
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Anna, TX
Posts: 1,135
awww...thanks. Yeah, my list definitely helps get me through it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your too. Here's lots of baby dust for us!
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  #9  
September 28th, 2009, 06:37 PM
mommy_2_ava_1109's Avatar Mommy to Ava & Jack
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Anna, TX
Posts: 1,135
September 28, 2009

Remember how I said I was going to the grocery store yesterday? I did and I got tons of fruits and veggies (butternut squash, yellow squash, broccoli, sweet potatoes, carrots, cantaloupe, strawberries, blueberries, bananas, and raspberries.) I've been in the kitchen pureeing them and whipping up different dishes. It took about 3 hours to puree everything and get it all measured out and into ziplock bags. I'm thinking it's definitly worth it.

The first thing I made was YOGURT POPS. They are popsicles made of plain, non-fat yogurt, 1/2 cup powdered sugar and a mixture of raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries. We haven't tried them yet, but I'm sure my hubby will be all over them in a little bit. They look really good!!! I'll update you on how they taste.

The next thing I made was BLUEBERRY GRANOLA BARS. They have an oat, flour, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla crust with blueberry preserves and 1/2 cup of pureed broccoli (yes, I said broccoli). The topping is more of the bottom crust just crumbled over the top. Once they cooled, I cut them into granola bar size (10 bars). They are so yummy and you cannot taste the broccoli at all!! I couldn't believe how good they were! We will be eating them with a smoothie or coffee in the morning.

Then I made a BANANA PIE. The crust is homemade (brown sugar, flour, butter and pecans). The filling is a combination of 2 packets of instant banana pudding, 1/2 cup skim milk, 1 1/2 cups of cantaloupe puree, and 1/2 cup yellow squash puree. I also put a layer of fresh bananas on the bottom, in between the filling and the crust. SO GOOD !!!!! Me and DH just had a slice. He said he never would have known it was actually good for him.

And finally, for dinner I made BREADED CHICKEN NUGGETS, MACARONI N CHEESE, and simple GREEN BEANS. The chicken cut in large nugget size chunks and coated with a red pepper and sweet potato puree and egg mixture. Then I coated them with panko bread crumbs, parmesan, and spices. I pan fried them in olive oil. Again, you can't taste the veggies at all!!! For the mac n cheese, I made a roux (1 tbsp oil and 1 tbsp flour). I added a cup of skim milk, 6 oz of cheddar cheese, 4 oz of low fat cream cheese, 1/2 cup butternut squash puree, paprika, salt, and pepper. Again, you can't taste the puree at all. DELISH!! The green beans were just frozen. I steamed them in a little bit of water, then just salt and pepper. My DH loved every bit of it! My DD still hasn't touched any of it. I'm sure she'll get hungry soon and she'll love it.

So, I would have to say that today's cooking was a success! Other than the fact that I was in the kitchen for a total of about 6.5 hours, it was a great day! Oh yeah, and the terrible back ache I'm suffering with as a result of that.

DH is giving Ava a bath right now. Thank goodness. I just don't have the energy to do it. He may be cleaning what's left of the mess in the kitchen too. I'm so exhausted. I woke up feeling pretty abnormal today. I was nauseas at 7am, so I couldn't go back to sleep. Then, I've been kinda clammy and hot all day. My temp was 99.2 this morning. I hope I'm not coming down with something. That's all I need!

Well, 5 dpo today. I'm very anxious to get this 2ww over with! This is the hardest part of the whole cycle. The waiting game. I'm trying not to psyche myself up too much. Just hoping and praying for a little sticky bean.

I'll post an update tomorrow on 6dpo and Ava's experience with her healthy food. Thanks so much for reading my journal!!! I hope you're enjoying it.

GOOD NIGHT!!! Lots of baby dust to all of you!!!
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