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Jennifer's Journal (Jennifer8080)


TTC Adventure

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  #1  
March 15th, 2010, 06:20 PM
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This is the first time I've really put my thoughts into writing since this whole journey of TTC. I'm sure this first post will be insanely long and all over the place, so bare with me!

For those who haven't gotten to know me on the boards, I'm Jennifer (27) and engaged to Marlon (33). We've been together for almost 8 years, and are getting married in 2 months! We've been TTC off and on, and I've had two miscarriages.

I've watched so many of my friends have kids, this started in high school. Sadly I've watched other friends get pregnant, and make the decision not to bring their child into the world...some of them multiple times. I've known for as long as I can remember that I wanted kids. I spent YEARS trying NOT to get pregnant, because it wasn't the right time, and I didn't want to struggle like so many of my friends did. Now the time is here, we're in the right place for kids, in so many ways. It's not that easy though. Who knew after all the time I spent preventing, that you really don't get pregnant that easily after all.

The first miscarriage I had was the hardest thing ever. You never truly understand unless it happens to you. The second time it happened was even harder. Even though everyone told me it wasn't my fault, and it just wasn't meant to be, I couldn't help but blame myself. I found every reason under the son, and just kept thinking, "What if..."

Life hasn't been the same since. I have TONS of pregnant friends, and friends with kids. I'm genuinely happy for them, especially the ones who want it so bad. I have some friends who do nothing but complain about being pregnant, or how annoying their babies are. That they don't sleep through the night, or just want to be held. I truly don't understand why they even have kids, and it makes me so angry. Everytime I have to listen to one of my friend's complain non-stop about how horrible being pregnant is, I want to smack some sense into them. They might not realize that what they say is hurtful, but I feel like they should have SOME common sense. I try not to make a big deal out of it, but some days I can't help it. I've been known to bite off a few heads and make comments like, "I'd love to be kept awake ALL night by a kicking baby," or "I'd give anything to be sick of being pregnant," or to have to "Get up AGAIN to feed the baby."

We took a break from TTC while we planned our wedding and now are getting back to it. It's scary. I can't help but think about the chance of another miscarriage. After the first one, I heard that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and it doesn't mean the next pregnancy wont be successful. Well, it wasn't. So what if the next one isn't? I know that when I get pregnant again, I'll be scared to death. I don't even know if now is the right time for us. I'm reluctant with everything going on. The wedding plans and building the new house has been stressful. What if it's too much? Would waiting two more month to TTC be THAT big of a difference? I say this, but then the idea of NOT TTC drives me nuts too....

I guess only time will tell.

(EEEEEEEEP - that ended up being REALLY long! IF anyone made it through all that you deserve a medal.)
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  #2  
March 15th, 2010, 06:49 PM
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I made it all the way through. It's ok that it was long, I haven't started on yet but I'd probably have a big first post.
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  #3  
March 15th, 2010, 07:24 PM
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I havent started one yet and Im sure it wont be a huge post but I enjoy reading long posts, especially about all your guys lives.
I know TTC is hard and I can only imagine what a miscarriage would do. I know it would absolutely tear me apart. I think that you learn more after every one, and luckily soon you'll be able to be a SAHW and able to rest and take care of yourself more during the process.
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  #4  
March 16th, 2010, 04:42 AM
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Hi Jennifer Isn't it crazy how all those years we try NOT to get pregnant and then when it becomes "the right time", it's almost impossible?! I can't believe I wasted all that time and money in my life trying to prevent the one thing I want most right now. DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

Good post by the way
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  #5  
March 16th, 2010, 08:11 AM
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I agree Sarie.

Jennifer, I pretty much think you're amazing to keep trying. Hopefully when it happens and you get your BFP you can just hang out at home and relax and scrapbook your heart out! (And talk to us of course!)
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  #6  
March 16th, 2010, 08:25 AM
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Jennifer I'm glad you started a journal. I think you'll find it really therapeutic.. I hope you don't mind that we all comment in here!
Plus it's a good place to collect O dust and Baby dust!

Thank you for sharing with us.
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  #7  
March 16th, 2010, 12:44 PM
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Thanks for reading and for all the comments! It definitely felt good to say everything, that I haven't always wanted to say out loud. TTC isn't exactly the subject of choice over coffee with my single friends! Very few of my friends really get it - and then there are those that I would never dream of having these conversations with. I'm glad I have all you girls to share my thoughts with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SarieP View Post
Hi Jennifer Isn't it crazy how all those years we try NOT to get pregnant and then when it becomes "the right time", it's almost impossible?! I can't believe I wasted all that time and money in my life trying to prevent the one thing I want most right now. DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

Good post by the way
It doesn't make ANY sense. It really makes me wonder what would have happened if I didn't try so hard to prevent it all those years? Would I have considered myself "lucky" that it didn't happen to me, or would it have happened? It's so unfair. It seems like everyone who doesn't want it, gets it, and the women who want it the most struggle.

A co-worker of mine came up to me today, and told me that she was pregnant. I was shocked- I knew that she has a toddler (unplanned) and had NO desire for anymore children. I smiled though. I said congratulations and told her I was happy for them. What do you think her reply was? No joke - these words came out of her mouth - "I'll sell the kid to you. I didn't want one to begin with let alone two." My jaw dropped and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I ended up leaving work shortly there after.
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  #8  
March 16th, 2010, 03:34 PM
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Jennifer I'm so sorry about your co-worker! What a jerk! What kind of mother would that be??



I can't believe she would say such a thing about her children...
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  #9  
March 16th, 2010, 03:41 PM
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Oh my ever-loving....I'm just speechless that anyone would actually say that to anyone. UGH!!!
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  #10  
March 17th, 2010, 06:31 PM
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Hi Jennifer, yay for starting your journal!! It really is therapeutic!!!

You are one strong lady!!! and your co-worker is a big jerk face!!! What's wrong with people!!!

Remember things happen for a reason.. and God gives us only what we can handle.. I am not overly religious but I truly believe in that!!

Judy commented somewhere else that our little angles will be our future baby's guardian angel... and that's a comforting thought!!

Can't wait to ride a long with you on your TTC journey!!

good night Jennifer!! xoxox
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  #11  
March 17th, 2010, 08:26 PM
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Yeah - My co-worker is definitely an idiot!! I think some others at work are coming around to realize that.

Tonight when DF and I were talking about his promotion and the fact that he'll be home from now on, one of the first things he said was, "and now it'll be even easier for us to get pregnant." My heart just melted. It just reinforced how much he wants this, and how much I want to be able to give it to him.
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  #12  
March 24th, 2010, 07:44 PM
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Jennifer, that is too sweet what DF said. What a sweetheart!! I think you're just really lucky !
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  #13  
March 25th, 2010, 08:25 AM
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It's so sweet what he said.. and he's right, he'll be around at all the right times so you can boom boom when you need to!!
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  #14  
March 25th, 2010, 09:04 AM
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I cant believe I havent seen your journal yet lol. Where the hell have I been?!
Anywho I think that is TOO sweet what DH said! My heart always melts when I realize how DH is with kids an dwants one. Your coworker is awful, who says that?!
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  #15  
March 25th, 2010, 05:16 PM
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hello lady.. stopping in to check how you doin??? like Amanda..where have you been...
oh wait your supposed to call your wedding planner.. which I hope you did!!! lol

xoxo
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  #16  
March 25th, 2010, 05:28 PM
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No! I still haven't gotten the info back to the wedding planner. I got distracted reading some celebrity smut! LOL

I'm just sitting here, waiting to O - I think it'll be this weekend which is perfect timing since DF will be home! I took my OPK this afternoon and it was negative.

I'm determined that if I don't get a this cycle I've GOT to be better about charting next cycle. I don't know why I have such a hard time remembering in the morning. Oh well, pretty soon DF will be home every morning and maybe he can remind me!
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  #17  
March 28th, 2010, 01:56 PM
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Yay for Oing!


I think I'll do another tomorrow to be sure, since I have no idea if my 2 days of positives would be yesterday and today, or today and tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping for yesterday and today. DF and I have had plenty of boom boom and he leaves tomorrow and wont be back until Wednesday.

I was so excited this morning when I saw the smiley face, that I ran into the office to show him. His first response was, "Did you just pee on that thing and then shove it in my face?!" I was like, "Ummm yes." He just laughed. Fingers crossed!!! If it doesn't happen this month, I think we may be out until after the wedding. I suspect that I will probably O next month either when I'm out of town for my bachelorette party or when DF is traveling for work prior to the wedding.
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  #18  
March 28th, 2010, 02:13 PM
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Hahahaha!!!! That is too funny!!
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  #19  
March 28th, 2010, 04:43 PM
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YAY for the positive OPK!!
That is too funny about the shoving in the face thing.. one time I was going through one of my drawers and pulled out an old OPK in front of DH and he was like "you keep those?"
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  #20  
March 29th, 2010, 03:58 PM
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LOL Judy!!!!

So I had another positive OPK today. This is really strange - that makes positives on CD 17 & 18, and I don't think I normally ovulate that late - I really need to be keeping better track of these things. My cycle is usually 28-29 days long, so that would only leave me with a LP that was 10-11 days long. I know that's really considered bordeline as far as cause for concern. The only thing I can figure is maybe this cycle will be a bit longer - perhaps all the stress of the wedding and house is throwing things off track?

Just what I need - something else to be worrying about. I guess if I don't get a BFP this cycle, I'll see what happens next. If it's another late O or short LP I'm going to call my doc and see what she thinks. Until then I'll probably be completely obsessing!
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