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Jae's "Baby Making" Journey" {come walk with me}


TTC Adventure

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  #1  
August 2nd, 2010, 09:35 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: South Carolina
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Aug. 2, 2010 12:18 pm

So, Since me having a small hiatus, I've to the conclusion that I don't need to temp, chart, or check cervical mucus and position. Why? Because I realized I was trying to take control over a situation I don't have control over. I've been praying and leaving the situation in God's hands. It's up to him to either bless me or not. Just like when he blessed me with Jamel. All I did was pray and keep hope that he'd bless me if he saw fit to do so.

Besides all those things take a lot of energy and stress the brain. I've been so free and focused on just life period since stopping all those things. Maybe God knows I need to have a couple of things in order before conceiving again. What those things are I'll have to ask him to show me, and definitely ask him to help me get them in order.

Now...next month on the 1st is Jamel's 2nd birthday. Yayyy! I don't know exactly how it's going to happen, but I want to do something for him. Something nice but not blow out there crazy. He'll only be turning two no need to get all crazy planning a big party with things he wont remember or quickly get agruvated by. He didn't even want to be at his own party last year. lol...so I'll figure something out...only a matter of weeks.

A few weeks ago, my husband, was looking over my shoulder while I was browsing through some posts on JM and he goes..."What's BD?" lol and I'm like "Go...Go away!" But after I saw he was earnestly interested I told him and he was like "Well, can we go do that now?" Cute...he really is. (rolling my eyes) lol. Now that we've been openly talking more about another baby and naturally trying to find ways to get our bodies prepared, I feel a whole lot stress free. I really thought I was more concerned than him and he was just going on about life. Now I see that he's just as concerned with trying for another one as I am. We've both prayed and are praying about it still. So whatever God's answer I know it'll be for the right reason.

My mom calls and randomly asks me am I trying to get pregnant. WOW! I haven't shared it with anybody except for my cousin and they don't talk so I know my mom was just having some sort of intuition. It made me laugh nervously because I didn't know if I wanted to share it with her or not. But I did. Of course she's excited. I haven't disclosed it to anybody else because allowing a lot of people to know makes the situation difficult after a while. Especially if you've been trying for months and I don't want to hear a bunch of apologies and things of that nature. So me and my husband have been keeping it to ourselves.

Oh, and also another thing that has been keeping me too busy to focus on TTC is researching The Occult, Secret Societies, and The New World Order. Now I'm looking up information on these Chemtrails the government has been spraying in the air. It's very scary informational stuff.

Well until next time....I hope that GOD BLESSES US ALL!!!!!
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~*Mommy To Zion 6.23.11 & Jamel 9.1.08*~



My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #2  
August 2nd, 2010, 08:34 PM
Nayomi80's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so happy that you are back...ya just do not know.....
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  #3  
August 3rd, 2010, 07:54 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm happy to be back girl!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #4  
August 3rd, 2010, 11:10 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 3, 2010 1:52pm

I started doing some really needed cleaning today. I started at about ten this morning and why am I still not done? I stopped about an hour ago to take a break and eat, I gave myself until 2:30 so lets see how this goes...lol

My friend wants to challenge my Mii in boxing. I'm so ready for the challenge, but before I do that I'm going to need to put my Mii back in the ring and get her points up because my friend is at 400 almost a pro boxer and mine is like at 100 or something like that...lol. I do NOT want to have my Mii embarassed. The crazy thing is...I didn't even want the Wii I wanted the PS3, but I'm glad that we have the Wii because it's way more family oriented and I can get my son involved. I was just addicted to Rockband and Guitar Hero...but I'm soooo over that addiction now.

Lately I've been finding myself watching TLC and Discovery Health Channel. Most of the delivery shows and baby shows I've seen already because I OD'd on them when I was pregnant with my son. I scared myself to death watching these shows. Only to have my labor and delivery turn out NOTHING like what I seen. I didn't take any pain medication and he came out with four or five pushes. Soooo, what scares me is that I know every pregnancy is different. I pray that with the next pregnancy it isn't the pregnancy from HELL.

Well. I know people don't get excited about AF, but me everytime it comes on I just smile because I'm greatful that my experience with coming off of Depo Provera hasn't been like the horror stories I've read. I'm happy that my AF came back right away. Most ladies have complained about not getting one until months and months even YEARS later. I couldn't deal with that. I'm also thankful I NEVER listened to my old GYNO and took those birth control pills she tried to prescribe me because of the bleeding from Depo. I was like "Chick, why would you give me these and I JUST TOLD YOU I was trying to get pregnant?" She was sitting there telling me it wasn't the best decision for me. I don't think she realized that I was married I think she was stereotyping me. Because I'm young and black and a lot of young black ladies go to that clinic, most of them are still in highschool...no offence but goodness people in these southern states have some evil thinking!!!! It just made me mad and she was talking to me like I was 12 years old. It's okay though I have a new Gyno and I'm happy there.

Other than that my hormones are going wild. I've been jumping my poor husband. I know that eventually he's going to tell me that he's had enough or begin running from me...lol one out of the two. Poor him. He'll catch a break tonight because a lot of my shows come on "Hawthorne" and "Teen Mom" being two of them. Soooo yeah maybe he'll catch a break

So it's almost time for my break to be over and my son is in the kitchen being bad! So until next time MAY GOD BLESS US ALL!!!!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #5  
August 4th, 2010, 11:11 AM
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The Occult? Secret societies? New world order? If you had said UFOs I would have thought I could have wrote this. Maybe I should try looking that stuff up instead of focusing on getting pregnant it is just kind of hard you know.
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  #6  
August 4th, 2010, 05:18 PM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Awww...Erika I forgot about the UFO's...honey this takes up soooo much of my time I even forget what cycle day I'm on sometimes...lol I'm really just trying to get my mind off of it so that I won't be so hung up on TRYING SO HARD and then feeling like a failure!!!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #7  
August 4th, 2010, 05:45 PM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 5th, 2010 8:19pm

So, I started having some pretty good looking CM on Monday. I didn't even have to check it was just there...just like today when I went to the restroom. This morning while I was in the kitchen I felt twinges in my lower right abdomen. I'm excited...but very afraid. I have NOOOO idea where the fear is coming from. It could possibly happen for me this month and I'm almost afraid to let it happen. I mean I know that we've been BD'ing like crazy all week so far and it's a possibility that there isn't a thing I could do about it, but it's almost like I feel like preventing all sexual contact tonight...lol.

I think...I've scared myself again...watching too much discovery health channel. Seriously I think I've let it all get to my brain. I'm like this is going to happen, or that's going to happen. I know I shouldn't pre-register this things in my brain and set myself up for all this anxiety and not needed stress, but I can't help it.

On another note. I went to my moms house today and had a blast with my younger sister and my little cousins. The ten year old really made me laugh, we took a ride to the store and on the way back a butterfly landed right infront of the car on the road...a huge one too and it looked as if I ran over it and he kept saying..."You ran over a butterfly....OoOoOhhh now it's coming back to haunt you!!" lol. Little kids.

Well I'm going to go on FB and continue watching my hubby play Toy Story 3 on the wii...night ladies!!!
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~*Mommy To Zion 6.23.11 & Jamel 9.1.08*~



My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #8  
August 4th, 2010, 08:28 PM
Nayomi80's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Fear go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its time for you to have
baby # 2 in God's time..... I have toned down on
those baby shows....so that I can relax.......I can not
wait til you say that those fears are gone.
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  #9  
August 5th, 2010, 09:37 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Me either Nayomi. I'm going to stop watching so much of them. I've been on overload. I know that as soon as I stop piling these bad things into my system I'll be okay. What I need to do is finish finding interesting things to research because that's REALLY been helping me not focus and past the time away. I also have this crazy feeling that this month might just be it...ugh! Af is supposedly due on the 19th and I've been having ovulation pains yesterday and today but I'm confused about when actual ovulation is or was. {shrugs} Trying not to really focus on it.
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #10  
August 6th, 2010, 06:26 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 6th 2010 9:05AM


I woke up this morning with some serious anxiety. I wonder if it'll be this month or not. I wish I wasn't even worrying. I'm always fine the whole cycle until it's about two weeks before my period. I hate it!!! Maybe the time will go by quickly like it has been these previous two weeks. It's time for some serious prayer...because anxiety is NOT GOOD on the mind.

I'm glad it's Friday. My hubby is off the whole weekend and church is tomorrow so I'm a little relieved for that. Too bad it isn't just a weekend for me and Leroy. I'm exhausted and Jamel is really wearing me out getting up at 6:30 every morning and then running me ragedy all day with no NAPS so I'm losing it.

Well ladies enjoy the weekend!!! Congrats on all the s maybe I'll be next.
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #11  
August 12th, 2010, 01:41 PM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 12th 2010 4:20pm

Last night on the way home from Bible study, Leroy asked me what did I think about having another baby. He wanted to know if it would put to much stress on me to deal with a new born and my son Jamel. I told him, waiting wasn't going to make it any better. That I didn't want to have them too far apart, because then I'd really be frustrated. I'm already used to diapers and all that good stuff so lets just continue while I haven't transitioned that far.

Jamel is being potty trained right now, it started off as something really difficult, but now he's really getting into the groove of things. I'm so proud of him, he went to the potty by himself today without me even asking him did he have to go or forcing him to go. So hopefully we'll be getting it together soon.

So I've picked up reading and trying to draw nearer to God. I have to get my mind in a better place. I didn't think I'd come back to the bad space that I'm in. I thought that maybe because of what I went through with the waiting to get pregnant with Jamel that I'd have it easier this time around. Well I kind of do because I have God this time. I mean, I had him the first time of course, but my relationship wasn't as good. I didn't really understand the power of prayer. Now that I do, I've been trying to use it to the best of my ability. God is probably up there like..."LET ME BLESS HER!!! SHE'S ASKING ME EVERY MOMENT SHE GETS!!!" lol. I know he will sooner or later. I pray its a little girl.

The book I just finished off was wild. It wasn't anything like I expected but the title was named "The Quickie." My husband was like..."What are you doing reading mess like this..." And I'm like..."It isn't anything like you think." It was a quite interesting read. But I read really fast. It normally takes me between 1 and 3 days to finish off a book...so I always have to have another one right on deck because I go through them to fast. I love reading, its ALWAYS better than television to me. ALWAYS!!!!

Well, ladies...I'll be back to tell you any news if anything happens within the next couple of days. Until then, be blessed and lets get the rest of these August 's rolling!!!!!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #12  
August 12th, 2010, 10:46 PM
Nayomi80's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Do you ever test early? and what cd do you normally
test when you do?
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  #13  
August 13th, 2010, 05:53 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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I've tested early last cycle. I normally don't though. I don't see any point in it, I dont think I'll get the correct result until I'm late because I never really know the EXACT day I ovulate so right now I'm guessing between 7&9 I'm totally not sure. I had a slight ovulation cramp on the fourth that lasted not even a minute. Then came really strong on the 5th-6th. I could barely function it hurt so bad. Then it went away and I began regular mid-cycle cramping around the 9th. And the last day I remember seeing EWCM was on about the 7th I believe and then this thick white massive stuff began and thats eased up and its kind of yellow now and slightly stretchy but breaks almost immediately. I have no idea how to really keep track of that because I've stopped trying to learn. {shrugs} Atleast I dont have that stress anymore. But when do you think would be a good time to test? And with which test I usually try to go for Answer Brand. my husband would look at me ridiculously if I asked him to drop by the store and pick up and FRER...lol they're like almost 19 dollars for one test here so...he'd flip.
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~*Mommy To Zion 6.23.11 & Jamel 9.1.08*~



My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #14  
August 13th, 2010, 07:55 AM
Nayomi80's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I buy the early detection pregnancy test strips on Amazon.com cuz
they are really cheap. Amazon.com: early pregnancy test strips I love Wondfo. I start @
cd 23 for me...since I have gotten a very faint positive that early @
8dpo. Then I back those up with a Dollar Tree/Dollar test.....then when
the dollar test lines get real dark....between about cd 30 i took
a digi (all back in May) and it said "pregnant" that is just what
I did.............. most people wait til the day of their missed
period.....but that would be too late for me since I am high
risk.
what tests did you take right before you found out you
were pregnant with your son?
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  #15  
August 13th, 2010, 10:07 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Dollar store test...lol I was surprised it worked. But I researched and they're pretty sensitve. I'm just afraid to test and see a I just want that
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~*Mommy To Zion 6.23.11 & Jamel 9.1.08*~



My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #16  
August 13th, 2010, 01:18 PM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 13th 2010 4:06pm

I went to visit my mother in law today. I was holding my sister in laws baby girl and my son climbs onto the arm of the chair and starts hugging me around my neck and kissing me. I was like..."awww how sweet, just wait till I'm actually holding another baby of my own." Right in the middle of my thoughts my mother in law goes..."Toya, are you having another baby???" And I'm soooo thrown off by her question. For a moment I thought maybe what I was thinking, I may have said it outloud, but then I couldn't have. So I was wide eyed and I said "What?! Where'd you get that from?" In a panic. And she goes..."Oh, nowhere!!!" I guess she thought she may have offended me in some way. {shrugs} Anyway she just ended it by saying. "Jamel is just acting quite funny around you thats all." She shrugs it off and goes. "Well Jamel lets get ourselves prepared for the new baby." and I'm like...what??? New baby, I'm not pregnant...atleast not that I know of at this moment. I've been thinking about what she said all day. Maybe I'm just putting too much into it. I know I'm extra bloated and maybe she thought I was hiding something from her, but I'm not.

As this cycle winds down to a close I'm thinking more and more on the positive side. I slightly feel like I just may have acheived pregnancy this month. Even if I didn't...Hubby says that I shouldn't worry about it anymore after this. Because it does just take one time. He said when the Lord is ready and sees fit then it'll happen right then and there. Its unecessary to try to chart and temp trying to pinpoint ovulation, because even if I do...that doesn't mean its going to result in pregnancy and I'm just going to beat myself up. Makes a lot of sense. At least I dont feel like I failure...I just feel like...well onto the next cycle. It's just the freaking 2ww that kills me everytime. lol. If I could just move past over analyzing during those 10-14 days then I'll be fine. UGH!!!

Today I was playing the Toy Story 3 game on the wii and I realized just how complicated the game was. Goodness this can't be a game for children, if it was meant or intended for children...then they'd have to be some pretty elite and smart children, because this game stumps me atleast 2 times during a single game play. I always have to turn it off and wait until the next time to get a fresh start so that I can figure it all out. Overall the game is pretty interesting.

I have church tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to it. Mostly just the weekend...I'll catch up on some well needed rest. I've been run crazy all week by my son. He is definitely in his terrible 2 stage and it's hard transitioning to keep up with him. I'm so used to him sitting down and quietly doing something or me just having to say no no...now I'm into the definitely time to discipline him mode. Ugh, I hate giving him pops on the hand or spankings on his little leg. {sighs} It probably hurts my heart way more than it hurts him. He always hugs me afterwards though.

Well I still haven't came up with any sure fire plans for his second birthday yet. My mom called me about a week ago and asked could we do it at her house, and I'm thinking that maybe I should take her up on that offer...lol well...until next time everyone...BE BLESSED!!!!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #17  
August 17th, 2010, 04:47 PM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 17th 7:34pm

Well, the wait is winding down. I'll know on Friday whether or not if I'm pregnant. I have a heavy, crampy, bloated feeling in my lower abdomen that started this morning followed by some slight nausea. Not really saying these are symptoms because you think everything is a symptom when you're actually TRYING to get pregnant. Besides ever since I've been off of Depo I've had AF cramps for about the whole two weeks before my period. So I don't know, only July and this month I actually had ovulation pain which I never recall experiencing before. If I did my mother used to tell me thats just cyst on your ovaries, but I dont think that she really knows much about the menstrual cycle. Her mother didn't tell her and school at that time didn't really teach it...not like they really do now either. From what I recall most of the information they give out is FALSE!!! Except about the STDs and STI's and other reproductive failures and disorders....thats just REAL.

I spent all of my day away to day helping out my mother in law find a new place to stay. NO LUCK. I kind of don't want her to move because in my neighborhood we literally have six neighbors and nobody comes outside. We're so far in the country of South Carolina that you can't just take a friendly walk to anybodies house, the park, or to the store so...I'll be very lonely and miss her and my sister in law. On the other hand, I'll be slightly happy because I won't be depended on as much to come and do things for them when I don't want to. Not saying that I wont help, just some days I don't feel like being bothered. And I can't pretend I'm not home because she knows that DH has the car with him at work and she stays three houses beside me....lol so it'll be kind of hard to hide from them.

Today I was tempted to go and purchase a test. I went against it, I decided that I'll only start buying test if I'm late. So that I won't set myself up for failure. The past few days went by really fast with my family keeping me occuppied. Tonight I'm going to slow down just enough for me to be able to enjoy this episode of Hawthorne because I've been waiting for it all week along. It's going to be a good episode (hopefully...you know how advertising for the next episode goes) and I really don't want to miss it. All the Hawthorne fans have been talking about it...lol. So I know I have to watch it so that I won't be left out of Tomorrows conversation.

In other news. Leroy has had something awfully heavy on his mind. He won't disclose it, but I can tell that it's really bothering him. I wish that he could just open up to me and let me know what the problem is. I can't stand when it's something that he needs to get off his chest, but yet, he feels like he can't talk to me about it. I guess he just isn't ready to yet. It's just frustrating that I don't have a clue about what it could be that could be bothering him like this. Hopefully before bedtime we can discuss it, because nobody needs to walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Well ladies, until I have something more interesting to discuss...God Bless!!!!
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #18  
August 17th, 2010, 07:51 PM
Nayomi80's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Girl I wish you would test the morning of the next 3 days.
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  #19  
August 18th, 2010, 05:50 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm thinking of testing tonight or tomorrow morning...Girl I PRAY that we caught that eggie...lol
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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  #20  
August 20th, 2010, 08:35 AM
*Mrs.ToyaJae*'s Avatar Super Mommy
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Aug. 20th Friday 11:11am

AF showed up late last night. So what I have decided to do was take a break from trying. I'm not going to count days, track ovulation or BD like crazy. If it happens then it'll be meant to be. Last night was so discouraging. I cried and lashed out on my son and I didn't mean to. I felt really bad that I took it out on him because he didn't do anything to deserve that. So I'm just going to have to relieve the stress and just not INTENTIONALLY try anymore. Trying just turns it into something it doesn't need to be.

I just can't believe how upset this cycle made me. I don't want that again, or to have this deep feeling of frustration. I'll probably continue to journal, but I dont know if I'll visit JM as regulary as I normally do during this cycle. I really need to relax my mind. I've been grasping at straws and taking everything in as a symptom since April and it's driving me mad.

Last night Leroy asked me was I stressed about it, I told him yes, and he told me not to worry. I think I lashed out on him too. I don't remember what I really said, I just told him obviously our feelings were different on the subject, maybe it's just a nice idea to him but not something that he really wants. Because it's no way that you can't or don't get disappointed...especially when you REALLY want something to happen thats not happening. I don't know. I just know that the way i feel right now isn't how I want to feel. I'm angry, disappointed, depressed, and feeling quite hopeless. I had such a good attitude at the beginning, but now it's turning right back into that mess that I was in when I tried and tried and tried again before I finally conceived Jamel. I just have this fear it'll be another 22 long months or maybe even longer. Maybe even NEVER.

Pregnancy. Lord I wish it were so much easier to acheive than it really is. It's not as easy as it looks. It seriously disappoints me to see parents kill their young children, abort babies, and abandon when it's so many of us having a hard time to conceive our firsts and others. I always wonder about the teenagers who call it an accident. How do you luck up and it just happens that one time when you weren't even trying and probably didn't even WANT to.

I think about when God told Adam and Eve "to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth." That was a given for a married couple. So why is it so HARD? I know that we have fallen from grace and come so far from the Garden of Eden, but isn't his word and promise still true??? I pray so hard and wait and each time I get a let down. Not necessarily from the Lord, because I'm sure he wants to bless me, it just hasn't happened yet. {sighs} I feel like I'm sinking back into that dark hole and I really don't want to go there. I just wish I knew why I felt the way that I do...so strongly about wanting to have another baby.

Why does it mean so much to the point that it hurts. I look around and see pregnant mothers and newborn babies and just hope and pray that eventually that'll be me again. A day seems like an eternity in my world. Each day I wake up I'm like, I wish it were tomorrow already. It shouldn't be like that. I want to just enjoy life again. To actually live and not think when, how, or IF? I'm not in a happy or healthy place right now in my life.

Well...anyway...my next plan is..."Somethings only come by Fasting and Praying." until then...may God bless.
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My. Two. FAVORITE. Little. Men.


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