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<span style="color:#CC0000">What a day to start a journal. Ok, well, AF has stayed w/ me for far to long, I'm expecting her to leave by today. I decided to take a break from TTC this cycle, so, hopefully that works out good. I just feel so tired to do anything. I'm on my 11th cycle trying for #1, and i'm getting anxious. After this cycle, I finish my pills, and I go back to the Dr. to get an u/s and see if my cyst went away. Oh, shoot, speaking of pills, I forgot to start taking them yesterday. oops. Well, that's all I've got for today. I'm tired/sleepy.
Ok, why can't I keep up with these thingys. LOL, I must have gone through at least 10 or more journals, or diary's when I was growing up, and never made it past second or 3rd page. Ok, well, here I am, 2DPO and the wait is killing me. I'm not sure what to think at the moment. DH and I BDed on the day of ovulation w/ pre-seed and everything. LOL, we were joking that maybe my egg popped out immediately, 'cause while we were "in the moment' so to speak, my mom got home and we jumped up and searched for our clothes. LOL. We didn't "finish" heck, we didn't even start really. Well, then she left again to go out for the night (all this time I still had pre-seed inside) and well, there was a grand finale. it was sooo funny. So, even if I wasn't supposed to ovulate, I probably did that day with the scare and thought of my mom catching us in the action. Heck, if she would have caught us, she does want grandchildren.
I really hope this is it for me. I'm already so close to a year of TTC, and it's getting really frustrating. After this cycle, and AF shows again, I have to make an appt. w/ the dr. and go get an u/s to see if my cyst went away w/ the 3 months worth of meds the dr. prescribed. hopefully we can see what's wrong, and why it's been a year and I'm still not pg. It's getting so hard on me.
I have to pretend to co-workers and family that I'm not ready to start a family right now (I sooo am) I tell them in a year or 2 we will begin having kids, and they all expect me to pop them out right before their very eyes. THAT IS SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. At the rate I'm going. HA. Well, I'll try to keep up with this journal thing. yeah right.
Ok, here I am 4DPO and I feel pregnant. Then again, I always feel pregnant. I know 4DPO is too soon to get any type of symptoms, but one can hope huh? Well, a lot of emotions are running through me. I had a cousin who got married a week after I did and got pregnant with another man (not her husband) well, she was having contractions and well, had her baby at 6 months. Well, the baby didn't survive, and I feel bad. I know I have no fault about it, but why on earth does God allow this to happen. I was so jealous when everyone was "oh, dalilah is pregnant, why aren't you" and this happens to her. That's already cousin # 3 who got pregnant and it either passed away on it's own, or was miscarried or aborted. well, 2 were aborted, and I feel terrible. How can this happen?????!!!! Why does this happen? I saw one of my cousins who would have been about 5 months right now, and I haven't seen her since she aboted, (supposedly miscarried) the baby. I saw her, and I couldn't hate her. She's still so thin and pretty. But how shallow can she be. She didn't want to be pregnant, 'cause she'll get fat, and she wanted to leave her BF. How stupid is that????? Her little boy is already 4 years old, or 3, I'm not sure. She's only 20, or 19, I forget. How is that fair???????? Well, I didn't talk much to her, only to her mom. Anyways, I'm trying not to let it get to me. But when she asked "so, when are you gonna get pregnant" I just said, "never" I felt like crying, but what else can I do? I pretend I don't want kids to my family, and deep down inside I want to be a mother.