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Well I'm on CD 81 now so I guess I can't really say that I've been TTCing, as there has been NO ovulation for me... In one more week I go back to the doctor, I'm a little nervous that Provera won't work, and there is something wrong with me.. But, that's just me being a worry wart again LOL. I've taken it before and it's worked, so I don't see why it wouldn't now. After I get AF I'm going to start charting to see what's going on, if I will even O. I'm not going to stress over if my temps go up or down or whatever, what's important to me right now, is getting a healthy cycle, then if everything goes my way, TTCing won't be so darn hard.
Yesterday my ovaries hurt.. maybe AF will show on her own... I'm hoping that she does. It's so frustrating ugh.. I've been jumping through emotions lately. One minute I'll be sad that we can't even TTC because my body is being so weird. The next emotion is anger because my body isn't acting the way it should be.. Then I get happy that I may be getting help to help regulate my cycles.. then back to sad again. Oh I dont like this... I want a baby so bad...... Rolly and I were at the store yesterday & saw this guy we knew from high school. He is younger than us and already has 2 kids!!!!! I jokingly told him "look he already beat us, wow almost everyone from high school is beating us." He looked at me and said "well it's better than waking up and having a million kids, or nine." I didn't say anything .. he looked at me and said "do you want nine kids?" I said "Nine? I don't know, but I'd be happy with one." He said " yeah I would be happy with one right now too..." I want to give him a baby...
Okay today I go to a baby shower.. I'm not sure how I will feel, much less if I do even want to go.... This girl is my mom's friend's daughter. I think she is still in her teens like 19 or 18. She had a miscarriage before she got pregnant with this baby. So she was trying, and she didn't get pregnant by accident. I feel okay, like I won't care, but I already cried today, it wasn't anything bad, but I cried yesterday too, so I know I've been so emotional lately. Hopefully I won't want to cry when I get there. I don't know if DH knows what's going on with me, I don't know if he knows that I feel this way. Usually he finds out when I'm already crying LOL. I need to tell him how I feel, but it's so hard. I don't know if he understands, or if he just I don't know.. I'm rambling lol
Well I need to schedule my doctor's appt. for thursday. I'm worried that provera won't work... I'm starting to feel that it will never happen for us, or if it does it will take years... Ugh it's hard not to think that way. I'm trying to be positive, trying to tell myself that it will happen, but im not sure if im convinced anymore. LOL I think I am the most negative member of the TTC board ...
I called to schedule my appointment for Thursday, and well I hit a snag. The doctor I saw won't be there for the rest of the week, and they are booked. Darn it I should of scheduled it last week. Well they scheduled me to go in on Monday at 3:20 or something like that. My pap came back Normal so that's good. Ugh it's been 86 days since I had a period. By the time I go in it will be 92 days... omg that's sad..............
I did something bad last night.... DH and I BD'ed .. We weren't supposed to , but I highly doubt that I o'ed yesterday or today. I couldn't take it anymore, I just HAD to. I ALMOST made it 2 weeks without any action, but yeah obviously I didn't hold out. LOL
Today I feel so crabby. I want to go to sleep already. I feel like crying and I don't know why. I have a headache as well. On the plus side, I think I made a tasty dinner. I made baked chicken, mashed potatoes (my first time thank you very much, and mac n cheese. I've been trying to write in here everyday, so far I think I've done pretty good. Oops I skipped a day, Eh.. whatev lol I think I'm annoying sorry for all of you who think that way too..... I wouldn't blame you LOL
I haven't felt like writing much, I've been so moody! It sucks I'm snapping at everyone, even the poor cat is getting snapped at. My headaches stopped. My face is starting to break out too. I think the headaches are from my allergies. I usually get them this time of year. I have to reschedule my appt. tomarrow, I won't be able to make it. HOPEFULLY, they will have an opening for some time this week. Yesterday when I was asleep I got this really really strong cramp in the middle of my lower abd., it hurt so bad that it woke me up and I doubled over. I don't know what that was about. It hurt , and it continued throughout the day. I though it could've been AF (wishful thinking) but it wasn't I wish I knew what was going on with my body......
Lately I've been having dreams that I was pregnant, how I wish that they were true... Even my grandma had one.. She said that in her dream I was getting an ultrasound and the doctor told me that I was going to have twins. She said I started crying and that I didn't want to have twins. I then (in the dream) told my dad and he got mad at me, and he said if I didn't want two, to give one to him, and I said yeah right I can't do that.... OMG lol how weird right? But then again this isn't the first time she has dreamed of me getting pregnant. I can't wait to see my pregnant belly in maternity clothes, I can't wait for the morning sickness, I can't wait to hear our babies heartbeat, I can't wait to see our baby moving on the ultrasound monitor, I can't wait for my husband to feel our baby kicking, for him to kiss my belly, but most of all I can't wait to see and touch and hold our beautiful baby, to hold him or her in my arms and feel the warmth of her/his body against mine and give him/her all my love......
I'm letting the stress of not be able to TTC get to me. It sucks, it really does suck. I wish I could have a healthy cycle, so I could at least stand a chance. I stress too much, maybe that's my problem. More than likely that's what it is, along with some other issues, but I've always been this way. Hopefully having this journal will help me to get some of these feelings out, so I won't have them on my shoulders anymore. I'm just tired of it already. WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL????? I'm in for the long haul, that's what I told myself when I decided to get off BCP. So I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I think I started to worry more when I found out that I had a cyst in 2003. I THOUGHT I was pregnant. AF hadn't shown for 3 months or so, I never missed a period so naturally I thought I was pregnant (I was 18... and naive). Anyway once I got to the doctor my cousin and her BF pulled up right next to us. She thought she was pregnant too. So I went in and I got a BFN.. Well she got a BFP, she already had a son, she is a year younger than me and my family always compared her to me....Anyway, I went to another doctor the next day, and he gave me a pap smear, drew alot of blood to send out for tests and he sent me to go get an ultrasound. I thought I still maybe had a slim chance. They called me back a week later with my results. She said that I had a cyst in my right ovary, I was shocked,(at the time I didn't know that ovarian cysts were really common) I then asked for the results of the pregnancy test and she said it was NEGATIVE. Well I broke down. I cried until I could cry no more. Why her and not me? Why couldn't I be pregnant too. Well the doctor never gave me my pills, so I went to another doctor and she was really nice, she gave me my pills and I went on my merry way. I had to watch her belly grow and see her with her new baby.Fast forward to now. My cousin has 4 kids and I have none. I constantly get asked "when are you going to have kids", or "hurry up we want to see your babies"... not only that but when my Aunt from Houston came down, we were talking and my cousin(the one who was pregnant and I wasn't), who had recently had kid #4, said and did something really mean. While holding her baby she said "I wonder what Michelle's kids will look like" we talked about something and she said "well you never really know how it feels until you hold your own baby in your arms", she said something else but I can't remember, but it was mean. She was looking at me the whole time. She knows my situation, she knows that right now I can't have children. It just hurt you know? I mean she is my family and she just hurt me without saying sorry or anything. I'm not trying to get pregnant to compete with her. That is not the case. I want a baby so that I may love and take care of him/her and watch him/her grow. Now that I look back, I'm glad that I wasn't pregnant when I was 18, I don't think I was mature enough to have or take care of a baby. I am tired of people who tell me "Oh don't worry maybe it's not your time, or it will happen soon"... I know they mean well, but it's hard, I want to tell them something, but I can't. When people ask if we are trying or if we want kids I just simply say "no." It's none of their business. I don't want to share my problems with them. Word travels fast, and then when other people come up to me and ask what's wrong with me and why I can't concieve it hurts. I'd rather not deal with that,so for now, I'm not telling anyone anything...
Wow I was really upset in my last post, lol.. but I feel better now that I have let that out. DH and I picked up some pictures that he took when I was 16 or so. Wow I was THIN and I looked happy. I want to lose weight, but it's hard LOL... I look so bloated, oh yeah that reminds me, I think I DO need to lose weight because someone already asked me if I was pregnant!!! ***? (This happened last year BTW) Yeah I went walking down the street to a sonic (to get my favorite drink) and this girl asks me "when are you due?" I was like OMG (in my head) I just made a weird face and said "I'm not pregnant..." it was silent for awhile and she said "Oh I'm sorry"... Oh yeah and at my sisters birthday party, some people asked my mom if I was pregnant. Oh man, I think it's funny but sad at the same time. It bothers me, but I don't really let comments about the way my body looks affect me. I know what I am, and I am okay with it. .. BUT, I think in order to increase my chances of successfully concieving, I need to lose some weight. It's going to be very hard, but hopefully something good will come out of it
So, today I went back to the doctor... and they told me that i had to wait ANOTHER week, I guess that's what i get for having sex LOL. So yeah if the provera doesnt work then they are going to do blood tests to see what's up with my hormones (that's how the nurse said it) anyway, so I got my prediction today.. wow it's cool! and I'm scared. hold on let me find it :
Would tell you GIRL And JULY.. so that is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in.
When it comes to your daughter would consider her very open, friendly, and energetic. Would say that she is very expressive of how she feels, and will often be very verbal about it. Right from the start, will tell you if she is feeling hurt or upset, or share with you if she is feeling very happy. Would say that she is very intune with her emotions and not afraid to let people know about it. So if shes angry, you will often know that shes angry, and shes willing to say why. Not the type to bottle it up inside and releases the emotions that she feels.
Would say that shes going to be a very good child, that shes going to often know how other people are feeling and carefully word her feelings so that they know that she relates. Alot of people go to her for advice and venting, as they know that she will understand and not be the type to judge./
I would say that your daughter is very artistic, loves to paint and draw. Very good at drawing people,. and will often copy pictures that she has seen in magazines, or of her favorite rock bands.
I see her with a darker colored hair and blonde highlights. That this was done by you and her as a "home" job to try and give her some "definition" and help her feel more beautiful. That she loves to be expressive with her hair and make up, but doesn't go too "wild" with it. At times you might find a bit extra make up, or something done with jewelery all in good taste.
When it comes to career choices, I would link her to a Medical Office Assistant. That she works for a dr in a busy "downtown" office, and is often complimented for her office skills and customer relations. People feel comfortable coming into the office and more at "home" atmosphere that she provides.
When it comes to marriage would say that I see that happening closer to the age of 24. I see her having two girls and one boy. Hes a fabricator position, and very tall, would say around 6'1, and very muscular. Loves the outdoors, and always involved with the family.
Let me know if you have any questions
okay and then I also asked her this :
Hi Cheri!!! I was just wondering if you saw any more children in our future?
Also, can you tell if this will be in the next year or can you not tell
which year it will be? Thank you so much!!!!!!
and she replied with this :
I see BOy after this one. Doesn't mean two is it, just means that is all they are showing me at this point.
The way the prediction works, is its either JULY 2006 concieve/find out, or JULY 2007 EDD. I have not had it go past that as of yet
First of all when I did that ring test thing, it said only two. The first one was a girl. DH is really into art, and so I thought that was kinda cool. I am thinking of going to beauty school which was also neat. AND next week I go in for another pregnancy test, which is / will be in JULY (the latter being wishful thinking of course)... But how cool is that!!!! wow I was really excited, and can't wait!!
ugh I feel like crap today. My throat hurts and I have a major headache. I also have a runny nose, I don't have a fever or anything, but still it stinks. I hate it when I get sick. Hopefully I think I just have a head cold. So anyway, I've been taking care of an abandoned kitten. It was only a few hours old when I started to take care of it. It's good practice, because I have to feed it every 2-3 hours. Rolly says it's annoying. I told him, well if you think it's annoying then I think you are going to think that a baby is annoying. He said no because it would be our kid, and I said a baby is louder... I don't know lol, I guess I've been really B****y because of how I feel and of course my lack of sleep.
Today I go back to the doctor, and I FINALLY will get provera. It's been too long since AF last visited me. Hopefully I will be "normal" for a little while.... My kitten passed away I think she just wanted her mom..... Well I will update once I get back!
So I got my provera and now I need to wait for AF to show up and then I am going to start temping to see if I will even ovulate. I am hoping and praying that I do. I was secretly hoping that I would get a BFP at the doctor's today, since my prediction did say July. But that was wishful thinking I guess. I wonder how I'll feel after I do finally get a BFP. I keep on thinking that I will be in shock and I won't believe it. As of now I feel that it won't happen. I guess I'm scared in a way. Like I want our baby to be healthy, Oh my goodness, if I'm a worry wart now, I can't imagine how worried I'll be when I am finally pregnant. Hopefully this will be our month.... but one can only wish
Well today I read Rodi's post and I felt sad ... Our situations are so similar. On Friday I talked to my cousin (the one with four kids) I was explaining to her what was going on with me and my absent period and what not, she told me she was using the patch, and get this, she told me that she hasn't gotten a period YET which means (of course ) that she could be pregnant . . . I'm so used to others (and her) getting pregnant that it didn't bother me. I just told her that she should test, I still have one more PG test and have been thinking about giving it to her. She hasn't been eating very well and is STICK thin, like Nicole Richie thin. If she is indeed pregnant I want her baby to be healthy, I don't care that it's not mine, I just want it to be healthy. I guess I don't know, I'm starting not to care. Like I'm happy for those who are blessed with a baby, I'm not as jealous as I used to be. Once in a while I do start thinking about it too much and I get over whelmed and I cry. Sometimes I think it is unfair but I will just have to wait till it's our turn, there isn't anything else that I can do. I just have to have some faith in that it will happen for us, and when it does it will be so amazing.
Today I took my last provera pill.... Now I just have to wait for AF to show up. I know it is weird but I am SO happy that she is coming. It's been 100+ days since she's last visited, ugh. Hopefully everything will be okay, but this ALWAYS happens to me. Okay when I found out that I had a cyst AF was missing for like 5 months, I go on Provera and then birth control, I get off BC and then AF shows up like normal for three months. Then she disappears again, for like another 5 months, provera again and BC again, get off BC in March AF is a no show again... OMG *** is wrong with my body???? It sucks and I don't want to do this anymore... Maybe I'm worrying too much, but maybe I'm not releasing eggs anymore.... If that's the case, well then da*n Okay I'm going to stop writing before I end up crying.
Yay!!!!! Yesterday AF showed up!!!! after only 3 days of taking my last pill. I was so surprised that she showed up this early. In the past AF didn't show up until a week AFTER I finished taking my last provera pill. Hopefully I'm back in the game (hoping and praying). I'm excited. I started charting so I guess I will see what is going on with me and my cycles. I just want AF to go away as soon as possible! I still can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I started thinking about the past three years, I realized something. I don't think i'm ovulating. I should've asked/told the doctor when I went. I really doubt that when this cycle is over that I will ovulate. I know that I am definantely not the only one with this problem, but it stinks. I just wish that I could get pregnant easily just like everyone else in this city. Now I don't know when I will go back to the doctor, get all the blood work done, etc. I'm young, why does this have to happen to me? I'm being overly emotional and I hate it when I get like this. Why should I care right now? I have time right? But that's my problem I feel like I won't have any time, that something is going to go wrong, and I will end up infertile. I feel as if I have a barren wasteland for a womb, that I will always end up being a babysitter, never a mother. It makes me really depressed, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Most people just shrug it off, or don't have anything to say. As for DH I don't want to worry him anymore than he already is. I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone and lonely. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant, or has a child. Even the ones that don't want them have them or are taking pills because they don't want them. My friend thought she was pregnant and when I asked her what they were going to do if she was, she just said "I guess we'll just have to get rid of it." *** why tell me something like that when they know how I am struggling. Also, my uncles gf went to mexico to go get those morning after pills because she thought she could be pregnant as well. I feel so terrible I don't even know if I can handle lurking here anymore. I see how everyone has had 3,4,5 cycles and I haven't been able to have even ONE ovulatory cycle on my own. Well I guess yeah I'm going to go wallow in my own sadness................
Again I was so DRAMATIC in my last entry. I HATE it when I get like that. I go back into my goth days, eh. Well AF is still with me and Monday will be our 2nd anniversary! Wow I can't believe that two years ago we got married, it feels like it was just yesterday. I just hope AF leaves in time I want to be able to ENJOY it too lol. He already got me a bouquet of flowers Well I'm charting and my temps have been pretty much the same, 97.2. Hopefully charting will give me some insite to what is going on with me. And god willing I will ovulate this time. I've been playing DDR alot to lose some weight. I am overweight and I don't really like it. Before I gained weight my cycles were VERY regular. Maybe that's why they got all wacky. I don't know. I was reading in magazine that women who take BCP may take longer to get pregnant, on average it took them 8 months to get pregnant, because it takes that long for the hormones to even out. HOPEFULLY that will happen with me. Yeah we saw Clerks 2 today with Rodi & Javi and it was funny. We went glow bowling on Friday, it's fun to hang out with them, I'm not as stressed out.