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well, today i must start writing stuff down, and what better of a place then here... but yet with the mood ive been in all morning and all... it aint gonna be good lol... so... whats goin on... well, honestly... something is up wit me... last night my SO stayed here, after a romantic candlelit dinner and all that i made up for him and everything on suprise *I know, I ROCK* lol... but yeah, when he got up this morning to get the kids i didnt even acknowledge that he was leaving... oops! ive been so drug on and stressed here recently that it justs makes me tired all the time!! Things aren't that great with the SO, i mean our relationship is awesome and all, but we got thrown a few freaky things here recently, and now we are both scared to death and everything. ive been worried about him since i found out... last night when we were layin together he told me things like how he felt it was him against the world, uh sorry buddy, its US remember... and thats what i said to him and he finally got it stuck in his head that i wasn't leaving him, and he wasnt going anywhere either... See, he has cancer... we just found out and it SUCKS! horridly!! hes actually scared of something for the first time! ehh, im not liking it at all either, when we went to go to sleep, i felt like i was holding a baby... he was layin on me and had his arms wrapped around me, and i had mine around his and my cheek against his forhead... god if ur reading this, dont let me lose him!! honestly i love this boy so much and for the first time i feel loved right back... he knows what im thinkin most the time and he awlays knos how to make me smile... im scared, hes young, only 28 and look what hes fighting, with 4 kids and maybe my BFP if i get it... i hope, i can test as early as tuesday, but im suppose to start thurs, and sat will be the official missed day... gosh i want this so much, and so does he... sometimes i think he wants it more then me, and thats weird! lol.. if i am this time, the due date would be appx the end of feb, and his bday is feb. 28th, i told him that and he told me i had to have the baby on the 28th and it would be the greatest bday pres. EVER! lol... i need all the luck i could ever have right now, this month, this time...esp with me tryin to get him to get treatment, yet he dont want it. i dont know what to do.
i slept fairly decent last night, and i had to kick myself to get up and get my shower and get ready for todays events...*yay skippy*.. can ya hear the excitement!! my sarcasm is moreless mean instead of fun-loving! -great, and im stuck with mom-... as ya can tell i'm havin a pretty off day... i wanna go back to bed. who knows tho, maybe later i can. but all i know is the sun is out and shining really bright, i just want it to go away, the birds chirping, yeah they can zip it too! i'm just not in a good mood at all, im not pissed or upset or anything, just down n out... iuno why, yesterday i was feeling great!! for the first time in a long time i bowed my head to pray, but i didnt know what to say. all that i know is i want my baby to be okay... please lord, bless me with this baby and with my baby boy.
Well, I'm back again! After yet another LONG boring day!! lol... o well, I'm feeling a lot better, I've have a bad attd. almost all day, moreless mood swings, and I feel like I have no one to talk to this about. I can't talk about it with Chris cuz all he'll do is worry about me I don't want him to feel like I need to be taken care of when I'm sad and down, I always get over it. Right? I think, once again, not sure. Right now, all I can think about is getting that BFP!! I want it so bad, I want to be able to give Chris all that he wants in life and more, but I want it too. Which seems odd. I've never felt the way I do with him, for anyone ever before... This time I mean everything *not that I never did before* but this time I feel it so much. I've been all day without talking to him and it's driving me INSANE!! yes PSYCOTIC I tell you!! Honestly I don't know what I'm going to do this time. Everytime we talk he asks me how I'm doing and how I am feeling and everything, and I always manage to tell him I'm doing okay, whether or not I am... unless I'm having a bad day, then I warn him *yet i've never taken it out on him...* I don't know how he puts up with me, to be honest... It seems like I am the worrying wife already~! Not good I don't wanna be like that... I wanna be the fun-loving wife that is always perfect (even tho im never perfect)... but still... I don't know... He feels like everyone is out to get him and hurt him and everything, and I wanna let him know that I am here for him no matter what... Cuz its true. He's been so hurt in the past, I don't know what to say or do anymore... He wants to get back into the military really bad, but I don't want him to... I can't let him go! I don't ever wanna let him go...lol...and if im PG.. I don't wanna go thru it without him. I want him here by my side when I get to find if it's a boy or girl, or when I get to see my baby for the first time, and I want him here to hear the heartbeat of his child, our child. I want him here beside me gettin his hand broke and getting faint from the breathing and I want him here to be the 2nd to hold our baby when born! I want him to be the one to help me name my baby from the room! I don't want him to go. I'm scared. With him having cancer, he wants to hide it and get back in! Honestly, I don't even know where to begin with the cancer thing... It just scares me. I want a cure and I want one now!! PLEASE!! I know I make him happy, he tells me all the time, and I'm glad that he's happy with me, but I know that him being happy isn't gonna cure him! It's just going to help him not think about it so much, well sorta... But I know when he looks at me and how happy I am with him, he also thinks of how sad and worried I am with him like this. I don't wanna lose him and he knows it. And I know that when he looks at me, it hurts him to see that I'm torn apart by all this. He said he can hear the despair in my voice!! WELL DUH! I want things back to how they we're... Him healthy. I'm not gonna love him any less or any different, but I am gonna love him with all my heart until forever! With him like this, I never know when his forever is going to be up. He don't wanna get treatment... Which I now understand, but it's already alive in him and taking him slowly from me. I cry whenever I think about it. I need someone to talk about this with. I wont let him talk about it to me, cuz I kno that I will start crying and I know that he doesn't want that. Before me and him got together, I worked with him all the time, him and his ex-gf were very unhappy, I would walk up to where he is and just watch him, and I knew that he was hurting inside, I could see it in his eyes, gestures, and I could just feel it. But then when I would let him see that I was up there, he would suddenly cheer up. .. Now yes I know I'm makin myself seem so perfect and the best catch in the world, but to him thats what I am. He tells me all the time. He tells me how much he loves me and I feel it and I know it, but I'm scared that if something does go much more wrong and I lose him, then what... All I know is that I wanna be with him and everything and I never wanna let him leave this green earth!! I'm scared that if something does happen, I'm gonna be battling this on my own. Like I have previously...
J. Martin- RIP 2006, Trev, Heidi & Rachel- RIP 2004, David- RIP 2003, J. Pryor- RIP 2002.
I'm scared... I need closure, I need him to be here with me... I guess one thing that scares me the most, his kids, our kids (hopefully soon)... I just don't know how to take it all in the right way, so I just push it off and maybe tomorrow I might know... But I never do... Which tomorrow is going to be my change, my chance for being able to handle it. I'm losing it!
Today, well... I had to kick myself again to get outta bed and get my shower... after that I jus hung around for a few, and then ate, that wasn't a problem... I already took a nice long walk today to relax me and all... I woke up not feeling so well today. It's another down day for me... I hate these kind of days, it sucks to be honest... I feel like crap and I don't want to do anything at all. The one thing that I'm craving, I can't have... Pizza with Pickles! ugh!! grr... What kind of pizza place wont put pickles on top!! O well, see I have a lot going on... I was reading someones ttc journal on here, and well... she makes a VERY good point... I have a friend who is PG again!! No one knows how many times she really was, but this time she says she is and all, blah blah blah... well shes one of those that has to start problems and cause drama and stress and everything has to go her way... shes out of control!! Well, she even KNOWS shes prego, but shes still smoking and drinking... How do people like this deserve to have that baby, when us here, all respectful people can't even have ours... How?!?! anyone... I didn't think so... Maybe god has it all planned out, I don't know, but what I wanna know is... Why can't we be the ones with the BFPs then these girls who clearly are NOT ready, nor may ever be ready!! What is the deal with that.. I can't stand it!!
Im sitting here day after day thinking and thinking and yet nothing seems to be right now.. I mean come on... I'm down n out... of course it's not right. My friend Ashley is suppose to stay with me tonight as a support buddy!... She knows about all this and this forum and everything, and yet she is here for me... She thru me a side of "what if..." last night, and it kept me up all night thinking... gosh... why me... why do I know that shes right, but I don't want her to be right... I can avoid her forever right... nope, I can't... which will be aright in sometime... She asked me if she could be the god-mommy. I told her yes, but she just has to be good and stay outta trouble... She loves me and my SO and she will probably love my baby just as much... So I think I got her to straighten up... Ashley really is a great friend, sometimes I have a hard time with her, but o well. Shes all I really got left. My lil sister Kera, she just turned 16 in Jan. and shes 5mts I think.. Somewhere around there... NOT FAIR! Hell, Kera don't even deserve it!! She's so not ready, *some of the things I refuse to tell her* I have to keep her thinking she's ready, when clearly this girl ISNT!!... My old friend Kristen, She had her son Draven at 16... Now, her... she did deserve him!! Her man stayed with her and everything, and she's a great mom, if anything Dre saved her from all that she was doin wrong... Who knows...
THATS IT!! Maybe god is giving these BFPs to the girls who need help and guidance, just maybe... ok everyone... lets start doin drugs and all that party #### lol... JUST KIDDING!! but honestly I think that he might be doing this to help them, but then if he's helping them, then why isn't he helping us to expand into larger loving families... I don't know... I'm gettin too much in a deep thought doing this... New Subj...
Chris- welp, theres nothing new from him, I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning!! I hate it!! GRR!! I wanna talk to him, I wanna see him, I wanna spend time with him... But it's ok at 7:05 my phone will be ringing and it will be him calling me from work... yay!! When In Love... lol
All I have left on for today is: God, please... Help!! Me and the Ladies on here want to expand our loving families... We won't let you down, please God!!! BFPs!!!!!!!!!! ~Amen
* have u ever wondered why is Amen??? Why Not Awomen??? Once again... SEXISM!!! * ill use that topic later when I'm in another confused complaining state of mind.. Until next time, Its time for Pizza with Pickles!!
Hey! It's a pretty good day for me, so I figured, heck I might as well write about it! Last night I went to see Chris at work... It was so great to get to see him, I finally have realized that it's really us against the world... Which is good cuz I have him believing it too finally. Last night was a bad night for him. But when he got off work he came to my moms and woke me up and we sat and talked, and fell asleep *oops* but thank god we only dozed off cuz he had to be back at his moms for the kids... I was gonna go with him but I didn't feel like getting up. But he's sleeping now and he's gotta work tonight. I might be taking him to work so I can have his car to get some stuff done here and so I can go see him on lunch I love going to see him on his lunch, it gives us extra time together. I'm not as scared with the whole cancer thing with him, I know that he will not let it win. So I feel much better about it. We finally got the baby names picked out... now all we are doin is waiting this last week out. If I took a test today, it's possible I could get a positive, but I cant go out and get one when I'm not workin. GRR. O well, I know where I belong and I know that if I am preg, then it was meant to be. I hope so!! Chris wants it so bad. He said its taking too long LOL... it's only been 2 months TTC! lol
We are talking about getting married still, we are engaged, but I'm still waiting on him to actually ask me ask me... lol.. the wedding isnt gonna be what I really want tho. I mean I want it and all, but I want my family and friends here, and all that... I want that wedding, but we're talkin about getting married at Bristol... ugh... I mean I'd love it and all, but I want a normal fancy wedding... lol... And he's talking about having the NASCAR dudes give me away... ugh.. I wanted my daddy to be giving me away... but I guess those guys would work LOL oh ya!! hehe... i'm so evil!! maybe then after that one we can come back here and have a REAL wedding... My family would get so mad if they weren't at my wedding... lol... I don't know yet, I still have to talk to Chris about it more... I think that it will prolly be like get married there, and then come back and have everyone at the reception lol... I might still get my @ss kicked, but hey I'm gettin married at a NASCAR race!! lol I'm not sure... it just depends on how things go.. I'm still not even sure of a date yet... We still have to talk about that, the only thing we've really been talking about is gettin a baby... lol... yay... I hope so!! I wanna test soo bad!!! well... until next time
Hey!! It's been a few hours... Well... Chris just almost quit his job... grrr.... things are getting so hectic, I don't know what to do half the time now... I keep gettin frustrated with how things are goin. He asked me if I knew if I was PG or not, well, no I don't know yet. But he called me back and he didn't quit, THANK GOD! Earlier today he told me that he wasn't going back into the military cuz I told him that I really didn't want him going... And after he said that I was happy about it, but now I feel really bad. I already talked to him about it and told him that if he wanted to go back in, I wasnt going to try to stop him, and I'd be here by him 110%!! And I will too... But honestly I don't want him going, but I know how much he wants to go back in. I'm just scared that I'll lose him.... Ugh! Why ME!?!?! If I am prego this time and he leaves and he's not here for his childs 1st heart beat, or to find out if it's a girl or boy, OR for the birth!! I'm going to be so upset... I know he will be too, So I wont be mad at him, but it will just SUCK! I want him here. No where else. I hate having such a good heart, becuz that means that he's probably going to go back in. Why ME!?!?! I don't want him going. He don't have it in medical records that he has cancer, he's kept it out so far, but what if he goes over and they find out or something really goes wrong... then what? Gosh I worry too much!! Hes working all these hours to get us our first home together, a place where we can raise the kids happily. And yet me, I'm not even working. I'm gonna try to get a job, I need to. I know that it would probably make things alot easier on him. Even if it is just a couple hours a week, its enough to help us out. Or go for something full time really. I'm gonna make a call in the morning and try to get my old job back. I hope so, cuz then i'll be working with Chris. YAY! I wanna do that so much. He needs me up there. Atleast when I was up there everything was going okay and he actually wanted to be there. I just want him to be happy, no matter what he chooses I'm going to be by his side the whole time. He's going to look at a house tomorrow, and then I get to see it on Thurs. if he likes it. Oh I so hope so!! I can't wait. I have bowling leagues Wednesday, and he's comin to watch part of it and then goin to get the kids by 9 and then come get me and we are going to take the kids bowling about an hr away from here *ask him* LOL... and then after that come back here and crash and get up early Thurs. morning to go check out the house and go back to bed cuz he has to work. Well, my phone is ringing and it's him... yep its him!! so... I'm gonna finish this now... Until Next Time!!!
Yet another day... gosh... where to begin... Things are getting really hectic around here. Chris is ugh!! getting on my nerves more then ever!!! He's never on time or somewhere when he's suppose to be!! URG! Thats my biggest pet peeve in the WHOLE world!!! If u say ur gonna be there.... BE THERE!! duh!! Right??? Or am I just losing my mind... He was suppose to be at my bowling leagues today... @ 7... but NO he wasnt there until 8!!! by then I already had 2 games done and only one more to go!! Maybe I'm just being a #####, but still... I mean atleast he was there... right?!?! What am I saying!! I don't know... I'm back to my irrative stage, and it's not good. Maybe AF is coming tomo, I don't know... I get to test tomorrow but I don't think I am. I think that i'm gonna just sit back and wait for it. I'm scared more then ever. I know I'm ready to be a mom, but sometimes I feel like i'm going to do really bad at it. Chris did nothing at bowling but make fun of me and my bowling.. The one thing I have all the confidence in, that I know I can do well and I can usually make all my shots, and he downs on me!! That's so not right. I ended up coming home to mom again, and yet I gave her another bad attitude.. I don't know why... Its just like everything she talks to me about, I really don't care about and it's just so dang annoying... I guess one of my biggest fears right now is that his daughters wont like me. I already met the boys and they love me, but I'm just scared that the girls wont and they will always look at me like "great! another girl in daddys life"... but i'm not like that at all. I would never try to get him over them!! I know that i'm going to like them, if they are anything like their dad then they are great... I know I haven't even met his kids and we're already tryin to have one of our own... I don't know... maybe I'm losing it, maybe i'm goin psychotic!! I DONT KNOW!! but all that I do know is that I really have to figure this out, and figure it out soon!! I kinda wish I was still in school... The one place I could go and just get away from life and all the complications... Atleast when I was there no one could get to me or bother me... I could just sit back take notes and stay in my own little world... But now, I try to just stay in my own little world... Yep... Someone has to join me!! Last night I tried in the shower, and a freakin spider had to join me!! Why ME?!?!? I feel like everyone is comin against me... Like no one wants me around or anything. I feel like any day Chris is going to leave me... I don't know why but I always feel alone in my heart and in my mind. And I feel like anyone in my life is just going to walk out on me and leave me here hanging with a broken heart... like always... I'm so sick of everything. Maybe its the baby talking in me.. Tryin to tell me that it dont even wanna be in my tummy... but who knows, I don't even know if i am preggers or not. I wish I knew... I know that it would be a good thing, and it is something that would really cheer me up also. I can't wait to be, cuz then I would never have to feel alone...
Oh great, now he's on his way here... be here in like 10 min. that means I have like 10 min to finish venting and then get off of here so he can never find this... LOL... I don't want him to know what really goes on in my mind all the time. He's got enough to worry about and I really don't want him to have to worry about me too, if you know what I mean... I guess I have my work cut out for me... The kids didn't come with him tho, they stayed with their mom, so he made that trip to get them for nothing... o well, as long as the kids are happy thats all that matters. I know that I love him, cuz of all this crap that I put up with, but still... normally if a guy would do this to me, I would get rid of him in a heartbeat, but I keep holding on.. I don't know why I do it... but I do. I guess what i'm really tryin to get out is that I do love him with all of my heart and I don't wanna be with anyone but him, but why can't he just be somewhere when he's suppose to be... that really gets to me. I'm the kind of person that "never make a promise you can't keep... or say things that you don't mean"... well yeah we all say things that we don't mean, like when we get mad, but I would never make a promise that I can't keep... ya know... GOSH!! I wish I knew if I was preggers or not. I could really use a cold one right about now. But if I am preggers, then I can't drink and with me TTC, I can't drink either... GRR, why does this have to be so complicated... UGH! well he should be here anytime... I gotta go... Until next time!!