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  #1  
January 13th, 2012, 09:26 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I am usually not good at keeping a journal. Usually because I get really busy and forget or am just too tired at the end of the day to do anything but sleep. As a mother of a 7 yr old DD it can be a long, busy but excitment filled day.

However I have been one stressed out woman for the past year, and at my attempt to always lessen the stress I am under, I have decided to try to keep a journal. I am promising myself that it is okay to not write in it everyday. It is ok and expected that something can be more important than writing in this journal. And it is okay, to use this journal as an avenue to release stress, release bitterness, and anger in order to better myself for me, my family, and future little bean.

A lot of my stress stems from a diagnosis DD received a yr ago. DD was referred to a genetic specialist in Jan of 2011 due to some cafe au lait spots on her. Cafe au lait spots are linked to a genetic illness called Neurofibromatosis. This is a very rare, uncurable, intreatable illness that cause mainly benign but can be malignant tumors to gorw anywhere on the inside and outside of the body. The genetic specialist referred us to the opthomologist to see if DD had any of these tumors in her eyes. DD went in March and the dr found 3 tumors in one eye and 2 tumors in the other...

Here I am trying to look brave for my DD who has had every possible thing inserted into her eye. Trying to pretend that this is normal. That doctors do this to normal people all the time.. As the doctor looked into by baby girls eyes, made a deep sigh, looked at me and then back at my daughter and nodded his head. I lost it... I had to excuse myself saying "Mommy is just crying cause I have to pee really bad, and I will be right back" I left the exam room and fell to my knees in shock and anger. My brother who was there in the waiting room had to literally help be into a chair.

How is it possible that this little girl, that I almost miscarried twice, and both of us almost died when I was in labor with her, a child who has been through the divorce of her parents, be given such another enormous thing on her plate. Can't this child catch a break?!?

I spoke to my current DH (who btw is more than a dad to DD than her own father is) about the situation and TTC. I didnt want another child if this genetic illness is carried on my side. I felt responsible for my DD having this illness, and if I had another child knowing that this illness is on my side I deffinatly would be responsible. It is a 50% chance to pass this illness onto offspring. This illness has the potential to be a deadly illness. It would be like having HIV and choosing to have a child and passing it along... completely in my opinion irresponsible, and I didnt want to do that to another child. I cant bare to see my DD with this illness let alone another child.

So I went through the genetic screening. I am happy to say that the illness does not run on my side. So DH and I have been TTC for 13 months now in total, but TTC for 5 months since we found out I dont have this illness, and we are having issues conceveing. I am angry about this. I feel like I did the responsible thing, in getting tested and making sure this illness does not run on my side, just to run into road blocks... Can my family not possibly catch a break here?????

With all this being said.... I had been seeing my OB/GYN who was not helpful and a dear friend of mine referred me to her OB/GYN who is wonderful and competely on myside, and even knows what my DD diagnosis is, and understands my concerns.

This week the OB has prescribed prometrium to induce a cycle and clomid to help me ovulate.. I am nervous and excited.... I wish AF would show her ugly face so I can move onto this new cycle with the possibly of conceiving... If I conceive this month the baby would be due arounf DD birthday, and I know she would be estatic and elated at such a wonderful gift. Now if only AF would show...... ugh
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  #2  
January 16th, 2012, 07:25 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I started taking Prometrium last tuesday, and it seems that I have to get all the side effects. I have been irritable beyond belief, had nausea, dizziness, cramps, bloating, extreme breast tenderness (like OMG my wearing my bra hurts), cramping in my lower back, and dry mouth.... with..... you guessed no AF....

Plus I have had a migraine for the past 6 days ( I took DD to girls scouts with a bunch of screaming girls, then to the movies to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D, I was in tears in the theater). I felt so bad, cause I had DD and her best friend staying the night, and all I could muster was some Kid Cruisines... Which I know they looove, and for a 7 yr old thats awesome, but I am the type of mom that bakes cookies, and paints their nails, and make overs and makes it fun. But all I wanted to do was lay down cause I felt so aweful. I know its the medicine and that it is a good cause. But I am ready to be off the medicine, so I can enjoy my family time too.... (ahh how to balance the family I have and the family I am trying to create????)

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I just wanna scream.. Poor DH is being a champ to and I feel so bad for him..

I just wish AF would hurry up and show so I can start taking the Clomid... So I can get pregnant and not have to worry about taking hormone medication.
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  #3  
January 16th, 2012, 11:44 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I hope that this is your lucky cycle!

BTW, I remember one of the best parts of my dad going out of town on business was that we got to have Kids Cuisines!!
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  #4  
January 16th, 2012, 05:54 PM
swtneka's Avatar Praying for a miracle
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Fx af shows soon u so deserve a bfp
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  #5  
January 20th, 2012, 07:09 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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So yesterday I posted a letter for AF, thinking that by some form of magic the moment I posted it AF would show.. what was I thinking....


Dear Aunt Flo,

I am aware that you have previously received an eviction notice from the women of TTC on JM. However I regret to inform you that in order for ME to evict you, you must be present for a minimum of 5-7 days. That's correct, I am inviting you to come for a visit. I know most women look at you like this , but I am trying to say

I have sent previous invitations, and am afraid they have gotten lost in the mail. I have been poliet and patient in awaiting you arrival. This is now your formal invitation.


I am requesting to honor of your presence
Aunt Flo

When: Upon Immediate Receipt of this Formal Invitation
Where: My body and no other JM members!! You are not welcome there unless otherwise requested

This is the only formal invitation you will be receiving. There will be no other formal invitations given to you in the near future.

Warning: You will be receiving a formal eviction notice from me within 5-7 days of your arrival to this event.

Regards,
Raina


Anyways I thought it was funny, but seriously AF needs to show up...I feel like time is just ticking away and leaving me behind.. I feel like I have been through so much and I need to catch a break. I want to start my first round oof Clomid. I am excited to start the clomid hoping that this will allow me to get my BFP. But I am also doubtful that it will happen on the first cycle of using the clomid.

I have a surprise baby shower to throw for my sister. The sister who wants to give me advice on how to get pregnant, even though I have been ttc longer than she has been pregnant. UGH.. I love her and all, I mean she is my sister. But I am not looking foward to the "So when are you gonna have a baby??" kinda questions, that I am sure I am bound to get.

Lord, Help to keep a positive attitude, and loving deposition towards everyone and my sister this weekend. Help to lavish her with love. Lord I ask that you shield me from the pain of not being pregnant yet, and help me to understand and know that all things in your time! - Amen

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belita View Post
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I hope that this is your lucky cycle!

BTW, I remember one of the best parts of my dad going out of town on business was that we got to have Kids Cuisines!!
Thanks that makes me feel so much better... I did get to paint DD nails last night... I just love having a best friend for a daughter
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  #6  
January 20th, 2012, 08:51 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I so give up on AF showing her ugly face!! I am hormonal, irritable, cramping, and have had a migraine sine I started the prometrium on the 10th!!!!

Seriously 10 days of a non stop migraine, I give up!!!! Its not like there is anything I can do to bring AF to my house... Heck I even DTD last night to see if she would show up... Cause you know when your expecting her and you make plans to DTD she always shows her ugly face.... and nothing!!!! ugh I cant take it anymore

I wanna cry so badly, cause I thought for sure AF would have shown up by now.. I keep going to the bathroom expecting her to be there.. and she is nowhere in sight... agghhhhh...... Why cant anything ever be easy
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  #7  
January 22nd, 2012, 08:15 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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to you!!!

I'm glad it made you feel better that Kid Cuisine was such a great treat for me! It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter! I hope to be so lucky with my kids!
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  #8  
January 23rd, 2012, 08:53 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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Well this weekend went off without a hitch (mostly).

The hat party I helped throw for a friend who is going through cemo treatments for breast cancer went pretty well. Marla (my friend) was so surprised, and it was a blessing to see her light up. Lots of people showed up to show their love and support for our friend and it brought her to tears. But by the end of the part she left with plenty of hats and head scarves to get her through the cemo treatment. We also made her a shirt with our hand prints that said "these are the hands praying for me" and another shirt that we each wrote inspirational words on, and a carry bag that we wrote inspriational words on to carry her stuff to cemo treatments. It was an honor to lavish her with love.

And then Sunday was the surprise baby shower for my sister. That went well also. She was shocked and surprise (which is good cause I had thought that my brother in law had spilled the beans) and she cried. She received a lot of clothes and blankets for the new baby.

So, all in all it was a great weekend. I managed to make it through both parties without crying. It wasn't until DH and I were driving home that I broke down and cried. I didn;t even mean to, but on our way home after the baby shower all I could think is that this has a been a very long and exhausting road. I wished that it was me that was 8 months pregnant. I know it will happen some day, but other days its just really hard to take seeing other pregnant women, or women who just fin out their expecting, thinking why is that not us. What am I not doing that I need to be doing? Why is this so hard? Am I or have I done something wrong?

When we got home, DH and I talked a little bit about baby stuff and the shower, which made me cry again. and DH looked at me and said "You know, our time is coming soon. It will be our time to be pregnant and have a baby." It meant so much to me to hear him say that. Not because he was promising me a baby, causing you cant really promise that... lol.... but beacuse he understood. He understood why my heart was breaking, not in jealousy for my sister, but because my arms are empty. DH is such a wonderful dad to my DD, and has always treated her like she was his own. I still want to be able to give him a biological child. Even though he will tell you he doesnt see a difference. (Which I am thankful for) I guess its just wait for AF to show, and see if the Clomid works...
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  #9  
January 23rd, 2012, 10:45 AM
Branduxa's Avatar Praying for #2
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Wow, my heart literally breaks for you. With everything with your baby girl and the long hard struggle for trying to conceive (one that I can relate too), it's time for you to catch a break!

I truly hope the Clomid works for you and you get your BFP very very soon!
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  #10  
January 23rd, 2012, 11:06 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Branduxa View Post
Wow, my heart literally breaks for you. With everything with your baby girl and the long hard struggle for trying to conceive (one that I can relate too), it's time for you to catch a break!

I truly hope the Clomid works for you and you get your BFP very very soon!
Thanks hun. Its been a longer hard road this past year, which was also DH and my 1st year of marriage. But it taught us that if we can make it through that, then we can make it through anything. We deffinately could use a break from it all though... I hope the clomid works too
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  #11  
January 24th, 2012, 07:51 PM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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OMG!!!! I am going stir crazy. AF still hasn't shown, and I have started to get some cm back. (it kinda disappeared when I started taking the prometrium.) I went almost all day without a migraine too but tonight my head is killing me. Tomorrow is the last day that AF can show and still have a possible October dd. Part of me hopes that AF comes because some of the ladies that I have become friends with have gotten their invite to the October DDC and part of me is excited that I could possibly be in the November DDC. But honestly I just wish AF would hurry up and show so I can get this show on the rode. Seriously why does she have to hide like this.. Aaagggghhhhhh
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  #12  
January 25th, 2012, 12:18 PM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I just realized that its been 10 days since my last dose of prometrium on 01/16.... Why is AF not showing.. I got into a huge fight with DH this morning.. I know part of it was hormonal, but part of it was due to his lack of help sometimes.. sometimes it feels like he cares more about his stupid video games than speding time with his family. I know he loves me and loves my dd... but sometimes its nice to have the extra help and the extra time to spend with him. I am worried that AF is not going to show at all, and that scares me... cause right now I feel like I am being torn in two. I am SUPER, MEGA hormonal, and I am trying to fight it, but since I have been this way since the 10th it is getting harder and harder...

I just feel broken right now.. I feel like I cant possibly ovulate on my own, and right now I can even have a period on my own...

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its difficult when your heart is breaking. I long so badly to get pregnant and bring a new life into this world, and into my family. I have so much more love to give, and I am hitting brick walls... I just wanna scream.....

aaaaagggggghhhhhhHH!
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  #13  
January 26th, 2012, 02:38 PM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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Ok so I am just really sick and tired of this crap. I am angry now... I dont want to go through more hormone therapy to jump start my cycle. Why does everything have to be so Da** hard. Why!!!! All I want is to jump start this cycle and start Clomid. I personally dont think I am asking for too much... I am tried of it all... I dont feel like there is any light at the end of this stupid tunnel. I am tired of jumping up and running to the bathroom everytime I think I feel something just to be disappointed all over again...
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  #14  
January 26th, 2012, 02:44 PM
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  #15  
January 27th, 2012, 11:53 PM
swtneka's Avatar Praying for a miracle
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  #16  
January 28th, 2012, 10:19 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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So DH alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. I was irritated cause it's Saturday and all day yesterday I was home with DD cause she is sick, I just wanted to sleep in. But I kept tossing cause I really had to pee... And guess what...... That's right..... That ugly yet sometimes wonderful and so very late AF showed!!!! What was funny is as I open the wrapper of a tampon DH calls out "did you start?" and I said yes, DH yells "YEAH!!!" I have never seen a man cheer or get excited over AF showing . So excited to start this new cycle and start my Clomid on Monday. Watch out ovaries, I got a new friend!
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  #17  
January 28th, 2012, 11:57 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's hilarious that your husband cheered! I'm so excited for you and hope the Clomid is just the ticket to your long-awaited
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  #18  
January 28th, 2012, 12:13 PM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I was cracking up. I have never heard anyone let alone a man cheer for AF..... then again if your TTC and needing to start again thats reason enough to cheer
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  #19  
January 30th, 2012, 09:06 AM
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So I am MEGA, ULTRA, SUPER EXCITED right now. I just took my first Clomid pill. I know I prob shouldnt put all my hope into this cycle, since its the first cycle on Clomid, which I am taking 50mg cycle days 3-7, and I still may not ovulate and may need a stronger dose. But I am HOPEFUL. I have to be right?!

So this cycle I am going to be just that. HOPEFUL!!!!

I have ic OPKs, digital OPKs, BBT, Preseed, IC HCG test, digital HPT tests, instead cups, and Clomid.... Ovaries take notice cause theres a new addition to my stash!!!!

It would be so perfect to get pregnant this cycle. I would be able to test the end of Feb and DH birthday is the beg of March... what better birthday present is there????
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  #20  
January 31st, 2012, 10:50 AM
Wishinfor2ndblessing's Avatar Super Mommy
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So today is my 2nd day on Clomid. Side effects started to kick in last night, and are in full force today. So far the side effects I am having are... extreme neausea, headaches, a little it of dizziness, and hot flashes. The worst is the neausea, so bad that as I was getting ready for work I was dry heaving.
But I am happy, scratch that, over joyed to be taking the Clomid. I cant wait to see how my body reacts, and see if I get that BFP this cycle.
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