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Eating has become so difficult lately. I've had a lot of food aversions. Mostly for breakfast foods like cereal and oatmeal. IDK but it seems like it's worse in the mornings and by the time the evening rolls around, I am still nauseated, but eating seems more appealing. Whereas in the AM just the thought of eating makes me feel as if I might vomit. I drink fluids in the morning and try to eat toast when I feel like I can manage it and then later on in the day I will snack a bit and then try to get in at least one good meal. I managed to eat twice yesterday. But I also threw up twice yesterday, though one didn't have anything to do with the other.
I've got a nice lingering case of bronchitis. It's lovely and I've had it since December/January. I've almost kicked it, but it's still decided to stick around like an unwelcome guest. With it being allergy season though, my bronchitis has been aggravated again and I'm back to coughing up massive amounts of mucus every day like I was a month or so ago. Anyway, sometimes when I cough, it will get stuck in the back of my throat and trigger my gag reflex. Well that wasn't really a problem, I hate to gag, but I don't normally vomit from it. The last three days, any time something triggers my gag reflex, vomit ensues shortly thereafter. It blows chunks. Literally.
I've also been a moody, raging... well . I'm not usually like that. At least not to this extreme. DH and I have been fighting for a couple of days, off and on, but it really came to a head last night and we both had to step back, apologize and regroup. And it's completely my fault because I've been super short tempered and with all the crying I've been doing off and on, DH is really starting to think I am preggers, he's being cautious about it, but he told me I haven't been this much a pain in his backside since I was pregnant with our son.
I hope he's right. I want this so bad.
Anyway, after the kids were sent to bed and we talked for awhile, you know what couples normally do after a fight, right? It just felt so different last night, we haven't BD'ed in a week, so there was a very obvious difference and I think that was what finally has my DH convinced with me, that this might actually be it. That and AF still hasn't made an appearance. I would tentatively say I might consider myself one day late now just because I know what my O symptoms are and I had them all the day I spotted. My temps a few days later were what threw my cycle into complete chaos and has made me question everything and dig for answers.
I can almost SWEAR I feel my uterus expanding too. It's such a weird feeling and one I've only got while pregnant, but it's definitely one of those subjective signs that I doubt you can really put much stock in for any sort of accuracy. I've also had more severe RLP the last week but once again, not putting stock in it. The one that made me really feel like it was a sure sign was the weird shooting pains around my belly button, but who knows.
My bbs hurt. This is what's making me think AF is about to be here. I am almost certain that I will see her Tuesday, but I am also secretly hoping I don't. I have no control over it at this point, so all I can do is wait and accept whatever the outcome is, but for each passing day that AF stays away, my hope rises just a bit more.
Well it is Tuesday morning. Today I am CD 29 and approximately 16DPO. My 2.5ww is almost over.
According to the App on my phone, I am 3, almost 4 days late, according to Fertilityfriend, I am 3 or four days late and according to tcoyf (who also took my ovulation date away) I am now one day late.
BBT is still up. BBs still hurt, still nauseous although it seems to be getting a little better since I haven't ralphed in a few days. My cervix feels swollen and when I sit down in certain positions, I can feel how sensitive it is. Sometimes I get just a bit dizzy, nothing dramatic yet, and my nose has been dripping like a leaky faucet.
I also have a cyst on my jay jay. It hurts and I will be glad for it to go away.
So, I am in a state of shock right now. I feel like this is still something I am making up. How can I be pregnant? I've been off birth control and have tried to time BDing around the times I thought I would O and for 22 months I don't even think one time did an egg get fertilized or even close to implanted. It was frustrating too. Heartbreaking to want something and know it wasn't happening for you. And yes, I know I've said that 22 months of BFNs was a good thing for me, but that didn't stop me from wishing or hurting when it didn't happen.
So right now, as much as I *think* I may be pregnant (and for real, I am likely now more than two days late. I am never more than two days late.) I am terrified I am getting my hopes up all for nothing again. I don't want to not be pregnant now. DH and the kids have already started talking like it's 100%. My DD randomly walks up to me and tells me I'm pregnant. I feel pregnant!!!! Which is weird for me since I would be 4 wks and how often does anyone just "know" they are pregnant at 4 wks? I mean I know there have been women who just knew, but I have never been one of those. Ugh! Sorry, this is just so hard to have to keep waiting. I think if I tested now, it would be positive, but I really just want to be sure. Two more days and then I can feel positive that when I do test, the answer will be as accurate as possible!
I think this is really happening! Maybe tomorrow I will be a little less terrified of hoping for this to actually be a pregnancy. I want this so bad and even during the cycles where I had mistaken PMS for pregnancy symptoms, I've never been this late, had this many symptoms and just felt this off. Holy cow, I think I just might be pregnant!!! I can't wait to make a ticker and signature for this journey. I've been playing around with tickers for two days now. I can't wait to see my belly swell and ripen with the child I am possibly carrying! I can't wait to finally meet this little person who just might actually be inside of me this time!
I wish I could wake up and it be Thursday. I know I said that about last Friday, it was true then and more true than ever now. I don't even think I need luck or baby dust at this point because me being pregnant seems more than likely at this point.
And cue heartbreaking music. Looks like cycle #3 is on its way.
I let myself do it again. I even promised myself I wouldn't do it to myself or my DH again and I did.
I don't understand why this is so hard? Isn't this supposed to be one of the most natural things your body can do? Why? I just want to stomp my foot and scream it's not fair.
Because it really isn't.
I think I'm going to rest up today and just try to give myself time to grieve over this. I'm sure it's just hitting me so hard because it's the end of my cycle and I'm always emotional and tend to be more depressed. I just feel like such an idiot.
Well I know I had something in mind that I wanted to put in this journal, but for the life of me, I cannot remember it now.
This is cycle #3, CD5.
I have been having issues with sleeping again and that usually means depression. And truthfully, I haven't been dealing very well the last few days. Been super crabby and it's really hard not to get irritated with everyone right now. If this keeps up I am going to start taking the dong quai again because it helped my moods last cycle and I hate being this way.
I just really don't want to. I really feel like the vitex is working and my body just needs some time to adjust. I have noticed my temps are a few tenths higher and less rocky than last cycle. I don't feel as down as I normally do, just moodier and more irritable than normal, so I'm going to give it until the end of the week and if I'm still being a b*tch to everyone, I am going to take the dong quai and not do the pineapple core after all. I need to be a happy mommy/wifey and I can't sacrifice that for a BFP because that's not healthy for me or my family.
I guess I need to find my center and concentrate on relaxation. It's probably also from being stressed over finances still. DH's hospital stays really hurt us and as glad as I am that he is okay and we are adjusting to a new low fat diet, it's been hard too.
I have lost a total of 25lbs since the beginning of the year. I now weigh less than 200lbs! My weight was yo-yoing a lot in January and February between 210 and 220. I think since I promised DH that I would eat the same low fat diet as him, that was the catalyst for finally getting past the plateau I've been stuck on for the last 10 months. Once I got down past 205, I seem to be steadily losing a little bit of weight a week. I don't want to drop the weight too fast, because that's not healthy, and I also want this to be a lasting change. My appetite has decreased and my portions are smaller. I tried being obsessive about my calorie counting, but I think that was just adding to my stress. Since I have just been eating when I am hungry and then not eating after I feel full, I feel like it's working better for me.
Ideally, I would like to see my weight back at 150-160 (I've got a pretty solid build, plus big ole BBs and a giant backside, I won't ever be super model thin) range, but for now, my goal is to get to 185-190. It's been a decade since I weighed that much. I've almost lost 100lbs now and I am so proud of myself. I wasn't sure I was ever going to see the weight come off. I was afraid I was going to be overweight for the rest of my life, like the rest of my family, and I really hated that idea. Once I had my IUD removed, I have stopped gaining weight, but it's been a struggle to get all of it off. NGL.
Other than that, the only thing I've noticed is my period flow is different and my breasts still feel mildly tender, not painful, just... I can feel a slight tingle whenever they are moving and that's abnormal. Those are probably vitex related tho.
It's been forever since I wrote in this thing. Other than a whole ton of personal crises and my DH losing his job, everything is pretty peachy. I mean, life always sucks. Who cares? I've got my DH, my two kids and somehow we always make it. I don't know how we are going to make it, but we are going to find a way.
The only thing wrong with me now, I think, is my lack of CM. So if there is a next cycle, (and I'm being a realist here) and there likely will be, I will need to find something to help me increase it. I am going to try a fresh bottle of EPO, carrot sticks and grapefruit. I hope that does the trick.
The only weird things I've noticed this cycle are the extra sore BBs and the horrible break outs. The soreness began around the time I ovulated and I've had one break out after another since last cycle. Tres sucky.
I am doing the pineapple core, but I started a day later on 2DPO because I wasn't positive I had ovulated until yesterday. I know I'm a dork, but I really hope it does the trick. Only time will tell.