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My TTC thoughts and obsessions in 2012


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  #1  
February 17th, 2012, 02:44 PM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 707
First of all, hello to anyone curious enough to read this.

So I want to lose another 40lbs, but I've lost so much weight already. I'm really proud of myself. I lost another 10lbs in the last two months and feel like I can lose the rest as I'm preparing to TTC.

I started taking Vitex and EPO yesterday. I was really afraid that taking Vitex would actually worsen my depression, so it took me several months to work up the courage to take it. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. I am opting to not use antidepressants and instead use more natural methods. I've been eating and drinking healthier, losing weight, staying positive and have felt so great lately. I'm hoping that taking it will correct any hormonal imbalances I'm experiencing from the bc, the weight gain and the stressful things that happened over the last three years and perhaps even lessen some of the symptoms I have.

I know I can get to a great place and then do everything in my power to not allow the depression to take over my life again if I do succeed in conceiving. That's my goal. To get healthy and then if/when I get pregnant, to stay healthy and that way I can better control my disorders. I'm older and wiser, I know what to expect and I really want to finally have a happy pregnancy.

I plan on adding several vitamins to my regimen as well. A prenatal vitamin, b6/b12 and baby aspirin. On top of that, I have been adding more raw fruits and vegetables and less processed foods to my diet. All of this in the hopes that I will be getting the nutrients that my body needs to function at it's very best and then be able to make a baby!

I'm on CD 4 and on the tale end of AF. So far I'm taking:
400mg of Vitex x2 daily for entire cycle
1000mg of EPO x1 daily until O
400mg of guaifenesin x3 daily until O (and because I am getting over a cold LOL)
and drinking raspberry tea

So far, I think that's it. Welcome to my journey!
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  #2  
February 17th, 2012, 06:02 PM
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I am excited for you and I look forward to hearing more!!! -Laurel
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  #3  
February 20th, 2012, 09:33 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Location: San Antonio, Texas
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I know that I won't see any effects from the vitex for weeks, but I am happy to say that there's been no noticeable change in my depression so far, although I'm post AF and am feeling better anyway, but that's normal for me. I'm taking a lower dose of of the vitex as a precaution. If after a few months, I feel it's not impacting my emotional state negatively, I'll up the dose. For now, I am playing it safe.

What I am noticing is the strong but painless uterine contractions. O_o I'm assuming those are from the EPO. It's very strange, sometimes my cramps hurt. Normal dull pain, not unlike PMS cramps. Then sometimes the cramps do not hurt at all. Go figure. I've taken EPO before and I do not remember feeling these kinds of cramps.

BTW, Hi Laurel220. TY for your well wishes!
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  #4  
February 22nd, 2012, 03:29 PM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Man I've had a rough couple of days. First of all, I did get the vitamins I wanted to get. I got prenatals and the b complex. I'm now taking a total of 8 pills a day. I also got the basal thermometer yesterday, so I set up an alarm for every morning to remind me to take my temp. I'm excited!

Very early on Tuesday, I ended up having to rush my DH to the ER because he was having such intense abdominal pain, he was writhing on our bed in agony. I really thought I might lose my Husband, but fortunately for all of us it was only a gallstone. So he had to have his gallbladder removed yesterday and will be home with me until next Tuesday. So glad he is okay! I only got three hours of sleep yesterday because I was in the ER from 1am until after 6am and then I had to be awake at 8am to call my DH's job and let them know he was sick, then I ended up waking up around 10am and not being able to go back to sleep.

I missed taking most of my pills yesterday because of all the crazy, to be honest it's not that big of a deal. I've never been good at remembering to take meds.
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  #5  
March 2nd, 2012, 03:05 PM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Location: San Antonio, Texas
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I am so tired.

My depression is back with a fierceness I haven't felt in a few months, so I was looking around online and I am considering adding dong quai to my list of herbal supplements. It seems like a good option for me since I suffer from short, severe bouts of depression. I wish I could say I don't think the vitex has anything to do with it, but I am not entirely sure that's the case. I'm willing to give it more time, but I do feel that adding dong quai will be beneficial to my mental health as well. Need to look into if it's safe to use during pregnancy, because that would be very awesome if I could take it if I get pregnant.

This whole week I've been pretty moody and I'm having a lot of anxiety. I can never be sure if my current mood is a side effect of the vitex (altho highly unlikely, I can't rule it out completely), the stress of last week's emergency and normal emotional highs and lows that come with being a woman or if this is more than all that. Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I O'ed a few days back. I am not entirely sure when, since this is my first month charting and I started temping on CD 9 I think so I am not entirely sure if I am reading my chart correctly. I had unbelievably strong cramps on my right side a few days ago, Wednesday evening I believe. My temps have been up these last two days, so I am guessing that those cramps were O cramps. Which means the app on my phone I use to record all my fertility stats is wrong as it has me O'ing 5 days ago instead of 2.

Even tho DH and I did manage to carefully BD twice this past week and I would now be all anxious about the 2ww, I just doubt that I'm in the running this month at all. I mean, it's always possible and I have been faithfully taking my vitamins and drinking my raspberry tea, but LBR. It's only the first cycle of trying to improve my fertility/chances of TTC and after two years of hoping it would "just happen" I'm skeptical that this month will be any different. But who knows.

Today I am CD 18 and 2dpo (I think). I need to go buy some OPKs so I can *know* for sure. I'm hoping April will finally be my month.
~Luna

Last edited by lunaverde; March 2nd, 2012 at 03:19 PM. Reason: spelling errors
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  #6  
March 3rd, 2012, 09:14 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Going to go pick up the dong quai today. I'm also going to increase my intake of the b complex vitamin from 1x/day to 2x/day. I knew the b complex was good for depression, but I was unsure of the doses needed. I've also been going over my cycle history and I'm more certain than ever of the hormonal imbalances. I'll have a better idea of what's going on once this cycle is finished and then I'll know for certain if my luteal phase is too short. I mean, that was my suspicion anyway and why I started taking the vitex and the vitamins to begin with, so this isn't any surprise to me.

DH has been extremely sweet to me the last few days once I explained I was having a dark time again. He has always been my biggest supporter, the voice that tells me I can do it when I'm not so sure I can. He's my very best friend! <3

I'll also be doing a 10 day juice cleanse starting week after next. The goal with that is to reset my body's toxin levels, reboot my immune system and really just cleanse my body as whole. I'm also hoping to lose some more weight, but TBH, I am doing this to see what impact it will have on my mental health. Hoping to see something very positive happen. It doesn't have to necessarily be drastic, just improvement. If the 10 day cleanse goes well, I may end up extending it to a 30 day cleanse. Hopefully I can stand drinking that juice for that long.

All in all, this journey has been a little bumpy to start off with. That doesn't mean I'm about to give up since this isn't JUST about conceiving another baby (although I want another baby VERY badly). This is about improving my quality of life all the way around.
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  #7  
March 4th, 2012, 09:17 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Today I am cd20 and 5dpo.

Here is the list of supplements and vitamins I am taking throughout my cycle and what benefit I *hope* to be getting from them.

Vitex 400mg 2xd - fertility/hormonal imbalances
Dong Quai 550mg 2xd - depression/anxiety/fertility/hormonal imbalances
B Complex 2xd - depression/fertility
Vitamin C 1000mg 2xd - immunity boosting/improved blood flow
Omega-3 Fish Oil 1000mg 1xd - depression/fertility
Prenatal Vitamin 1xd - Iron/calcium/vitamin A/vitamin D
Evening Primrose Oil 1000mg 1xd (cd1 until O) - improve CM quality/PMS relief
Guiafenesin 400mg 3xd (cd5 until O) - thins CM

Today, I feel a little better. I really doubt adding three new supplements changed anything, but it's nice to feel less anxious anyway.

I am secretly hoping that this will be the month, all the while knowing it won't. I can't help it. I've been wanting this for awhile. But at the same time, I owe it to myself to get as healthy as possible before conceiving. I also know that once my BBs start getting sore, AF is on her way. It was a slim shot anyway as DH's had surgery the week before I O'ed. Wasn't meant to be and I really want to lose at least another 20lbs before I conceive.

When I originally decided to commit fully to TTC, my list of supplements was short. Like 4 items short. I also knew going in that the vitex could cause worsening depression, I was prepared for it. To be fair, I can't say for certain it was the vitex that made that last low, so very extra low. But I can't say for certain it didn't, either. If the severity of my last low is any sort of indication, I owe it to myself to do anything I can to counteract how badly I am affected in the future.

I think that's it for today. Thanks for reading!
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  #8  
March 4th, 2012, 01:45 PM
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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Good luck on your journey in trying to conceive. My husband has also been trying to manage depression more naturally. His doctor's recommendations were to add a vitamin D supplement and to limit or completely cut out wheat and dairy. Apparently those two items can have a psychological effect on many individauls.
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  #9  
March 6th, 2012, 10:56 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Every day I feel better. It's been two full days since I started the extra supplements and though I'm not where I was when I started this cycle, that's okay. I like the fact that I've been able to bounce back much faster than normal.

I also like that my PMS symptoms seem less severe. I call this progress!

AF is due in the next week. Not sure when since my cycle length is anywhere between 25-30 days. It's been fluctuating quite a bit in the last 12 months. I am pretty sure I am ovulating (having started temping, I can now confirm O dates with more certainty) regularly. I also think my luteal phase has been fluctuating as well, but I don't really know that for certain since I wasn't really charting anything more than my CM the last few years and that's been pretty scant since my DS was born.

My BBs are tender and that is a sure sign of AF. I know every pregnancy is different, but with both my DD and my DS I had absolutely no PMS and no signs of pregnancy until after AF was late. Any symptoms for me normally mean no BFP. I keep hoping against what I know about my body every month and it's so disappointing sometimes. I just know that one of these days, after all the times I swore up and down I was, I will be. I just can't give up hope. After all, this will most likely be my last pregnancy and I owe it to myself to really take care of my needs so that my other children don't end up with a really sad mommy again.

Lastly, to Amandaleigh thank you very much for the suggestion. I have already started cutting out dairy due to being lactose intolerant, it's probably time to just cut it completely from my diet. As for wheat, I don't consume large amounts of it so it shouldn't be too hard to cut that either.

Looking forward to the end of this cycle and the next one so I can learn to understand my hormones and body even better. Thank you for sharing my journey with me.
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  #10  
March 6th, 2012, 11:01 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Sorry about the double post. But it's already been made, so I might as well use it, yes?

I have one thing to say:

::cue incessant whining about BBs being insanely sore::

THEY HURT!!! Today seems like a good day to take a hot shower. That doesn't make the pain go away, but it's very soothing anyway. This is the part of my cycle I hate because this particular PMS symptom has just steadily gotten worse over the last 12-18 months. I was hoping they weren't going to hurt so bad this cycle and I guess I was kidding myself because GOOD LAWD. >_<

Today is cd24 and I'm currently 8dpo. If I make it to 12dpo I will probably end up testing just to make sure I didn't get lucky this cycle since I would have to stop taking the dong quai and the vitex if I did end up getting pregnant. Apparently dong quai can be used to induce what's called an herbal abortion, so definitely do not want to be taking that if this ends up being my month.

I had a promising temp spike today. My temps are lower than average both pre-O and post-O, right now my average post O temp is about 97.3 and today my temp spiked to 97.6. Hopefully that means the supplements are working. I've also been chart stalking on FF. I can't help it. I want this so bad. I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about.

The 1ww is probably the hardest time of my cycle for me. Mostly because even when I know AF is coming, I still irrationally hope that I'll get my BFP! Lately, I have been unable to tell with any certainty when AF is due. Literally one month my cycle lasts 30 days and two months later it changes to 25 days. I've always been that type that could almost set their clock by the arrival of AF. Ever since I had my Mirena removed 2 yrs ago my body has not regulated, which I was sure my hormones would have balanced themselves by now. If I knew for any certainty when AF was supposed to be here, I would not be obsessing so much right now. As it stands, AF could reasonably arrive anytime between this Sunday and Wednesday. That's 3 days of uncertainty, of my over-analyzing every cramp and twinge and hoping AF stays away despite the fact that my body is displaying my classic PMS symptoms. I figure if something changes, then my symptoms will change as well, though I know that's not always the case. And THAT rationalization is what fuels my obsession every fricken month, ya'll.

::repeated headdesking:: IDG why this is so hard when procreating should be the most natural thing in the world!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. I need to focus on the getting healthy aspect first. Monday I am beginning my 10 day juice cleanse, something I plan to do regularly do for the rest of my life to flush out toxins.

I am really proud of myself for having faithfully temped every day this week and only having missed one day last week since I started temping two weeks ago. It's enabled me to confirm I am ovulating (yes!!!) since my chart is definitely biphasic. It's also allowed me to personally reaffirm my opinion that my hormones are not in balance. I am beginning to think I understand why they never balanced out though. Considering how ugly my life was up until about 6 months ago and how much it's improved over the course of the last 3 years I can now honestly say I am emotionally ready to TTC and I was not before, even though I've been secretly hoping I'd get pregnant anyway.

Since 2010, I've lost about 60lbs. Over the course of this past year, my weight has plateaued and it's been a struggle to find something that will help me burn the rest of the weight I want to lose. I was about 35lbs heavier than I am now when I conceived my DS although I was also 6 years younger! I suffered for being unhealthy because I had so many more health issues to deal with than with my DD. I'm definitely not getting any younger and I owe it to everyone, but most especially myself, to take care of myself. Being BPD and MDD, it's hard enough to take care of yourself (and with kids too lol!) and I'm trying to add a pregnancy into the equation. I might be a bit crazy, but I have always ALWAYS wanted at least three children.

Since I turned 30 last September, I literally felt like I was given a second chance at living life. Everything has changed in the last six months, mostly for the better. I can move on from my painful past now. I was stuck before, stuck in a depression that almost killed me, stuck in purgatory waiting for a judgement to be passed, stuck in denial and repression. Today, I am free of those things that were keeping me in such a bad place and it's time to live life again. It's time to move forward with our lives and I've been wanting to add to our family for at least four years. I've come to a place where I can even picture our future child, can see another child playing in my living room, being held by my DH. I can picture her so clearly. Oh god, how I want another girl. I swear to be happy if I get another boy, though. My DS is the most darling boy, all of my friends love him. I know in my heart that I would love this baby no matter what and then I'll end up TTC again because I'll want to try for anther girl. LMAO!!!!

Sorry for the long ramble. Like I said, this is the 1ww. I always get like this during the 1ww.

Last edited by lunaverde; March 8th, 2012 at 08:45 AM. Reason: duplicate post - changed it
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  #11  
March 9th, 2012, 02:57 PM
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I tested. Of course it was BFN and I truthfully didn't expect otherwise, but I couldn't help it. I do need to double check though, in case IT!!!! does happen, so I will know to stop taking the supplements.

My bbs are so sore. I haven't experienced pain this bad with them since my last pregnancy. No, I don't think it's a possible sign I'm pregnant. I just wish they would stop hurting so bad! I can barely touch them and let me tell you, my girls are NOT small. I'm a 38/40 DDD. Perhaps next cycle they won't hurt as bad. ::ever hopeful::

Feeling a little more down today as opposed to the last few days. I probably won't see much relief in this department until after AF gets here. She's being a dirty hooker this cycle and I don't like it. I really hope to find some relief soon. On the positive side, this cycle could be worse. My cramps aren't as bad as I've experienced before. My back hasn't started killing me yet. I'm not nauseated all the fricken time. So all in all, yes, it could be worse and I'm glad it's not.

I'm trying to commit more to changing my lifestyle and eating habits. Downloaded a phone app where I can log what I'm eating. Loving it because I can search for the foods I'm using or add them to the database (including the nutritional value, which is awesome) so my calorie count is more accurate. If you're interested in checking out the app, it's called my fitness pal. The app is on the Android Market and I think its available for the iPhone as well. Not too sure about BB.

Having come toward the end of the first cycle where I actually temped, I am glad to confirm I'm ovulating. I will be even more happy to see my LP last until this Wednesday. If you have any health vibes to spare, send them my way please.

Thanks for sharing my journey with me.
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  #12  
March 18th, 2012, 07:27 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Today I am on CD6. Nothing exciting has happened other than not being able to finish out my juice cleanse. I hope to try again and be successful another time. During day 3 when I couldn't get passed the third cup and hadn't consumed more than 900 calories in 2 days I decided I would rather eat than starve myself. >_<

I have been doing some spring cleaning this last week. My goal is to set up a craft/sewing area for myself in my bedroom. I don't know when that will happen, but I'm hoping sometime soon. I have laundry to catch up on and boxes of yarn and things to organize. Most of my craft supplies are hiding throughout the many boxes I have packed up from all the moving we've done over the years.

My DH pointed out to me last that I've stopped dabbling in my hobbies. I haven't knitted or crocheted something in almost two years! I've been so tired and so overwhelmed with work and trying not to drown in depression, that I just stopped doing most of the things I enjoy, so I finally got DH to buy me my own sewing machine and I plan to pick back up where I left off a few years back with my craft projects. I don't know how to sew just yet (I've sewn a few items over the years, but I lack serious skills) so I plan to learn and make clothes for my family. I even started knitting a baby blanket.

I use my knitting time to do visualization exercises. Get healthy. Get pregnant. (I don't obsess over things at all... nuh-uh)

According to the chinese gender prediction chart, if I want to have a girl, I have to get pregnant this month or in May. Those are the only two months this year I could have a girl. OMG the pressure. LOL Considering it accurately predicted the gender of my other two children, wouldn't it be nice if it could guarantee a gender?

I wish everyone luck and baby dust on this cycle.
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  #13  
March 24th, 2012, 10:12 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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I have had the most stressful week and I was able to come through it all just fine. I've had to rush my DH to the E.R. three times in the last four weeks due to ongoing health issues. About four weeks ago, I rushed him to the ER for very severe abdominal cramps and the hospital found out his gallbladder was diseased, so they removed it. Two weeks ago I had to rush my DH back to the ER for the same issue and again this past week. The second time he was in the ER, he was released due to not being able to find anything wrong. This last time, he was admitted for three days for observation. They ran numerous tests and the diagnosis was that DH had developed gastroenteritis from eating bad foods post gallbladder removal and it had injured his liver, causing his liver enzymes to be elevated in his bloodstream. His diet was restricted further, he was put on medication and now has to seriously rethink his current lifestyle.

I don't know if it's the supplements, but I managed to really keep myself together, even though I was scared and worried about my DH. I just feel like this was his wake up call. DH doesn't eat healthy, smokes (although he's cut back A LOT since we've been together, he used to smoke almost a pack a day and now he's down to one a week or less), he used to drink a ton of sodas and sugary drinks and barely touched anything green. Now he's got to be on a low fat diet, cut out alcohol, fried foods and anything that is high is fat/cholesterol content.

We've both decided that we will do the juice cleanse together. He is going to talk to the gastroenterologist first as we both want to make sure he is okay to do something like this with his current health issues, but maybe this is just the kick in the pants we both needed to really motivate ourselves to get healthy and stay that way.

I've lost a total of 8lbs in the last few weeks. 12lbs more until I reach my goal of losing 20 lbs before getting pregnant. Not sure if it will stay off as my weight has been fluctuating in a 10lbs range for awhile now and I haven't really lost any significant amount of weight in almost a year. I added some yogurt to my diet as I've had some stress related digestion issues that wouldn't clear up on their own. And the few days I did manage to juice, really helped detox me to a certain degree. I really hope to kickstart my metabolism and start losing weight again. I am going to try to juice again next week. But only for five days. I may have to work into doing a ten day cleanse and if I get pregnant any time soon, it will have to wait until after I have the baby.

I did go get some OPKs for this cycle. I am hoping to learn how to time things right, so hopefully the kits will help me do that. I am CD12 today so I started testing because last month I O'ed on CD 16. I think I tend to O a few days later anyway. I don't know if the supplements have done their job and regulated my hormones. I guess if I get my BFP soon, I'll have my answer. I also need to go to the dr myself and get my thyroid checked. My BBTs are consistently 96 pre-O and only got up to 97 degrees post O last month. Since I am 30 and thyroid issues run in my family, I think it's time to get it tested again. I will kick myself in the pants if that is the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I hadn't even thought about my thyroid until I started taking my BBT and I don't think it's been tested since my last pregnancy. But I could be wrong, as I've had blood work done since then. IDK

So yeah, there's been a lot going on lately, but I'm feeling great, losing weight and trying to get my DH to do the same. I know I shouldn't wish it, since my weight isn't quite where I want it to be, but I really hope I get my BFP this month. Of course, I hope that every month.

Wishing everyone here lots of luck and tons of baby dust!

Last edited by lunaverde; March 24th, 2012 at 10:29 AM. Reason: misspelled and/or mistyped some information
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  #14  
March 25th, 2012, 11:01 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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I started getting sharp cramps in my back and the right side of my abdomen last night. WOOT! Come on eggie! (In case that wasn't clear enough, those were my symptoms of ovulation from last month, too. I AM EXCITE! )

DH and I BD'ed two days ago and this morning. Although today was more for fun since my OPKs haven't confirmed O yet. Sorry if that was TMI btw.

So anyway, I really think the dong quai is working. I feel freaking amazing and have been feeling so happy the last week, especially now that DH is home and his health seems to be improving. He's losing weight now, too. 15lbs so far, although some of that is from his hospital stays when his diet was restricted, but we'll take it. I haven't felt so hopeful and happy about life in general for many years. I usually feel like the world is about to end due to constant high levels of anxiety and depression. Not now. I just have this general sense of well-being and peace. It's amazing, I've been knitting and crafting. I am going to start up a home business now. That is how good I feel.

My temps are getting higher and last month they rose for a day or two, leveled and then rose again after O. Today is CD 13, I O'ed on CD 16 last month. Seems like I am on track to having a very similar cycle this month as well. That makes me happy since my cycles have been super irregular over the last year and just seem to be getting more so until now. The vitex must be starting to build up sufficiently in my system.

The only thing I am not looking forward to is the dip in my mood after O. I am hoping that since I've been taking the dong quai for almost a month now and it's a faster acting herb than the vitex, that there's enough build up in my system to keep me floating on this happy cloud throughout my entire cycle. It might be a combination of all the supplements as well as my diet getting more healthy. The fog in my brain is starting to clear. I am glad to be on this journey of getting healthy.

Personally, I feel like I missed out on the four years because of the PPD I went through with my son on top of the depression that's been a part of my life for almost three decades. I feel like I missed out on watching my DD growing up and my son's whole life I have been so unhappy. For the first time in a very long time, I am looking forward to my future, to living my life. I cannot tell you how relieving it's been to really notice how much the sadness has lifted over the last few weeks. To feel my brain chemistry changing, and I kid you not about that, has been an experience as well.

Just waiting to O and then on to the 2ww.

Luna
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  #15  
March 26th, 2012, 07:24 AM
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I spotted yesterday. I think I may have ovulated, too. BBT is up to low 97s and I'm pretty sure I O'ed based on last month's chart, too. My post-O temps are usually 97 or above. For now, FF has dotted some CHs on CD 11 which I think is ridiculous. I'm sure once I enter tomorrow's temps, it will start correcting itself. Probably going to BD again this AM to make sure we catch the eggie, on the chance FF and I am wrong.

I had little to no fertile CM this month except for yesterday, that is more normal for me. I've had scant fertile CM since my IUD removal two years ago, except for the last two months, which must have been a fluke since I didn't start taking EPO until last month. I hope we dtd enough. With DH having been in the hospital right up until CD 11, I'm not sure we timed everything correctly due to me having O'ed a little sooner than I was expecting.

Anyway, I have been using my OPKs wrong. I never thought to look up what time of day was best to test. I am positive I missed my surge yesterday because I've been testing before noon. Se la vie, I guess. Live and learn.

I asked on the TTC board and FF's waiting to O board if anyone thought my spotting was post-coital spotting or O spotting. I'm thinking it was O spotting now, in hindsight. I had agreed with everyone else who also thought it was post-coital since it was just a little bit of blood and I found it about 2.5 hrs after BDing with DH. It wasn't an immediate thing though and that may make a difference for me. The last time I had post-coital spotting, it happened in less than an hour and was mainly just a light pink discharge. I was PG with my DS, so that could make a difference in presentation, but I don't know.

Well, I know better now about OPKs. Next month I will test later in the day and hopefully catch my LH surge so I can be more certain of when I O. I'm going to test today and maybe tomorrow to see if I get a positive, just in case FF is wrong. But I don't think it is, I think it's just wrong about what day I O'ed, since my signs have been a little wonkier than they were last month. Probably due to the vitex and dong quai taking effect. I didn't start taking the dong quai until after I O'ed last cycle, so of course I wouldn't see any changes until this cycle and next.

Well that's all for now. Now on to the 2ww. Eek.

Luna
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  #16  
March 28th, 2012, 07:23 AM
MarlowesMum's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I hear you, Luna. The 2WW is just the freaking pits. I was explaining this to a friend the other day - about how prior to O, I am just cool as a cucumber. I don't think about TTC, or the possibility of pregnancy (because clearly I'm not). And then comes O-Time...and of course, there's no thoughts about actually being pregnant, but just about trying. But that 2WW just drives me crazy...it's all I can think about, and there's no good way to distract myself.
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  #17  
March 28th, 2012, 10:50 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Location: San Antonio, Texas
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EEeeeeK!!! My BBT dropped today well below my coverline, right back into the 96's, which is my pre-O temp. I'm freaking out about this because I didn't have a temp drop last month until 12DPO. My brain is going OMGWTFBBQ!1! WHAT IF YOU'RE PG?!!!!??!?!?!?

I have been OBSESSING about my temps and my cycle this month big time. I was knitting to distract myself last week, but now my brain is ****** focused on what my body is doing since I've O'ed. Every twinge, every dizzy spell, every freaking time I go to the bathroom or my uterus cramps, my brain is just zoned into my poor reproductive system now. Methinks its time to take a step back from this for a week. Brain is telling me NO KNIT!!! OBSESS!!!! >_< Bad brain.

I know someone can relate. I mean, we were ntnp for two years and absolutely no luck. I thought I was bad before, when I was just charting my CM. But now, there is this very keen edge to my longing for another baby. I know I can get pregnant. I've been pregnant, twice, both were live births. I never thought it would take this long this time around, though. We did the whole ntnp for 5 mos and got our DS. Of course, looking back, I am very glad I didn't get pregnant this time around. I was not in any sort of shape to be bringing in another baby into our lives. I know that now. But at this moment, I am doing 100x better than I have been in many years, even when I got pregnant with my DS. I started tackling my problems in counseling about three years ago. Two years ago, I got hooked up with my current therapist and she is amazing. If only you could know how far I've come. It's amazing, but another story for another day.

So back to my TTC obsession. I think I need a distraction and I'm determined to go knit today. After I finish my other blog entry. (I blog about my abusive past as a way to come to terms... it's one of the many reasons I fight against my depression and other myriad of problems) I have been putting off finishing it since yesterday. I have been contemplating this entry for a week. >_< It takes me awhile to work up the nerve to stare at my past and talk about it with the internets. I am also trying to start up a knitting business. So I have been setting up my website to sell my creations once I can get past this OMG WANT BABY NOW, NO KNIT thing my brain is doing to me. I try to go with the flow of where my brain centers it's focus on, but it's been a few days and I don't want to be constantly staring at my charts like I can divine a pregnancy from the information presented there. LOL

It's bad enough I have a charting app on my phone and I am always moodily staring at it, trying to make it tell me whether this is my month or now. Yeah right. LOL So yeah, time to get my other crap done.

Good luck to everyone. I am sending every one of you tons of baby dust!
Luna
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  #18  
March 31st, 2012, 07:51 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Location: San Antonio, Texas
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Ok, I know you ladies are the only ones who can understand me and what I'm going through.

This is NOT a typical cycle. Even if I wasn't temping, I can tell you by how I feel, things aren't normal. And the funny thing is, this cycle didn't start off typical and nothing about it has been a typical cycle. So, I really don't know what's going on other than I don't know what's going on.

I'm really trying not to get my hopes up. I am not sure I could handle another giant disappointment at this moment. So I am waiting to test and this really sucks because I don't know what the outcome is going to be. At least when my body isn't acting funny, I could prepare myself mentally. I may actually have a shot at getting my BFP this month and I wasn't even really trying! I mean, I was. Don't get me wrong, I just didn't think I would have a chance of getting pregnant for at least three months. This was going to be my practice run so I could lose another 15lbs and get a feel for what my body is doing while I let the vitex and other supplements build up sufficiently in my system.

o.m.g. I'm scared, too. What if I AM pg? >_<

I just cannot talk to my husband about the potential excitement. I have explained to him I don't know what's going on with my cycle this month, and I told him I cannot predict what the results of the test will be because my body isn't doing what it normally does during the week before AF. I told him to not get his hopes up, and I am telling myself this too. But I know in the back of my head... things are weird and that could be a good thing. I just can't put him through another cycle where I get him all excited because I'm really sure this is the month. Then when the test turns out to be a BFN, my poor DH gets so disappointed and then it hurts him even worse seeing how much I hurt. ( I can't do that to him again. I love him so much and I know how much he wants another child because he was asking to TTC three years ago. We weren't ready and when I had a pg scare a month later, I got really upset because I knew I wasn't ready for another baby, we fought over it until we found out it was a false alarm. But DH was hurt because I wasn't happy to be pregnant with his baby. It wasn't that! If I had been pg, everything would have worked out and I would have adored that child, but I am thankful every day that I wasn't pregnant that day. It would have made the things I went through the next year and last year so much more complicated to have a baby in the middle of the crap we were dealing with. It was bad enough with my DS being as young as he was.

I had a giant temp spike today. My post O temps have just been strange and today's temp isn't making anything any clearer. I don't know if my temp dropping at 5dpo was an implantation dip, a fallback rise (because there's a good chance I O'ed two days later and getting an implantation dip at 3dpo is just nuts!!!) or just my body's hormone levels being wonky due to the supplements. Who knows? All I know is I am testing in 4 days and I am crazy nervous about it. After two years post IUD removal, I know my body's response to AF's approach and this is not how my body normally reacts.

I am really scared. Scared because I want this so bad that I don't want to psyche myself out again and what if that's what I'm doing now? I don't want to feel that hope right now. What if my body is just readjusting itself? And honestly, I was giving myself until August to get pregnant naturally and then I was going to suck it up and go to the Dr and get myself tested. I HATE drs, btw. And I need to see one because I haven't conceived naturally in the last two years. I had to try something because once I go back to the dr, I know they are going to argue with me about my choice not to take antidepressants. But I've relied too long on others to help me feel better. Getting myself healthy naturally wasn't just about avoiding the drs office, it was also about healing myself and taking responsibility about my emotional health. But yes, a good chunk of it was avoiding going to the dr. :\ NGL. So, in reality, I probably AM psyching myself out and even though I am getting healthier, I will probably not conceive naturally on my own at this point and will need to see the dr I've been dreading seeing. I know when I'm fooling myself. I guess I just wasn't expecting the added stress of this kind of ambiguity so soon into TTC. Meh.

And do you know what my biggest problem is? I overthink everything. So... yeah, there's that too.

Well ladies, if you have any baby dust to spare, I could use some this month. Pink, preferably. But any baby dust is appreciated. Lots of love and lots of baby dust to everyone in return. <3

Luna
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  #19  
April 2nd, 2012, 08:07 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
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Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 707
Eeeee!!!!

I seem to be cycling through hopefulness because of how unusual my symptoms are all the way to YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF, YOU'LL NEVER GET PREGGERS!!!! >>_<< Yes, I am my own worst enemy, tyvm.

I'm going to list out my symptoms and how many times in the last six months I've experienced them during my normal 2ww with PMS. Maybe then I can divine a pregnancy from this experience.

Pain free BBs - I do believe this is the first time I've had painless breasts during my 2ww in about 18 months, give or take. In fact, in the last six months I have experienced painful, tender BBs at least 4 days prior to AF's arrival and as of today (I am either 8 or 10dpo and mind you last month's LP was 12 days) I have no indication that my breasts will start hurting at all and normally I can tell the evening before if they are going to start hurting.

Heartburn - I do believe this is a first in a very long time, definitely have NOT documented this symptom in the last six months for sure, though. It's still mild and may not even be related.

Nausea - I get this with almost every 2ww. Not a good indicator at all. AF is a wicked task master like that. I've probably experienced it in four out of the last six months.

Cramping/Backache/uterine twinges - Every month. Without fail. Typical PMS symptom. I will note that this month's twinges feel different. IDK what that means.

Itchy nipples - I don't remember having itchy nipples since ... well, IDK when. Definitely not normal.

GAS - this one makes me giggle. I have been able to exact some revenge. MWAHAHAHAHA!! And it's also not normal, either.

Dizzy Spells - I think I have this one infrequently, but I have experienced it with my PMS in the past six months maybe once or twice.

Increased appetite - my stomach has been LOUD and I could have just eaten something an hour earlier. In fact, I did eat something a bit ago and my tummy feels like I haven't eaten yet. I couldn't tell you if this is something I've experienced in the past or not because food and I have such a complex relationship. I may very well have and never noticed because part of the reason I have weight issues is from emotional eating. So, IDK.

Zits - I woke up Saturday morning to a nice fat zit on my jaw line. I used to get zits much more frequently with PMS, but I would say this is definitely unusual as it doesn't happen too often anymore, but this could just be my off month, so who knows?

Fatigue - I have been so exhausted! But that's not unusual for my 2ww, although the severity this cycle seems unusual since my mood isn't as low as normal. I have no idea if that means anything or not.

I'm pretty sure that's all of them. Oh, I forgot headaches, but I get those during my 2ww and my allergies have been crazy, so I don't even know if it's related or not.


I am so confused. My BBTs have been really weird and not following the same pattern as last month AT ALL. I don't know what's going on still. I am hopeful, but I am still afraid I am making a big deal out of things that don't mean anything. I should know for sure if I am pg or not by this weekend. I hope so anyway. My longest cycle has been 30 days, so if anything, Wednesday next week would mark cd30 and that would mean I O'd later than FF and every other fertility app use thinks. I will be upset if that's the case, but as long as I get answers, I think I can make peace with any outcome.
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TTC cycle #1 - vitex, dong quai, epo, mucinex, vitamin c, B50 complex and omega-3 fish oil - BFN
TTC cycle #2 - vitex, dong quai, epo, mucinex, vitamin c, B50 complex and omega-3 fish oil - BFN
TTC cycle #3 - vitex, epo, vitamin c, B50 complex, omega-3 fish oil and pineapple core - BFN
TTC cycle #4 - vitex, dong quai, EPO, mucinex, B50 complex, omega-3 fish oil, flax seed, prenatals, carrot sticks/grapefruit (to help improve fertile CM) - BFN
Not TTC right now
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  #20  
April 4th, 2012, 11:10 AM
lunaverde's Avatar Hoping for #3
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 707
Today I am CD23 and 10dpo.

I cannot wait for Friday but I am so scared of the outcome.

I think I am starting to get some BB tenderness. I'm not a 100% because it doesn't feel like the normal tenderness I get, but it's still early. I just feel like everything is SO different. Every other cycle for the last 23 months has basically been the same. Some symptoms have varied in strength, but overall every cycle has been the same. Clockwork. It's been discouraging to say the least.

And then this cycle rolls around. First of all, the week leading to my O I was floating on cloud 9!!! I had never felt so peaceful in my life. My DH was in the hospital for the third time in a month, with a possibly life threatening condition and I just knew it was going to be okay. And so far, it has been. Except for my mood swings the last three days, I've still been feeling more positive and in control of myself.

It's been awesome, but the last three days I've ended up crying more than I'm used to about really stupid stuff. That's terribly frustrating. Usually I'm pissy when I'm pms'ing, not a basket case!

The last two days I've been freezing too! But my temps have been up!? I'm not feverish, my temps aren't high enough. Although sometimes I feel like I'm having hot flashes, which sucks. I don't understand why I'm freezing my buns off though or why eating anything during the day gives me indigestion/heartburn or nausea. I was so cold last night I was shivering when I got up to go to the bathroom at 4am. Of course my A/C might be broken and I am waiting on the complex to come fix the problem. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer because I can be such a and I just don't need the added irritation right now.

I want to hope, I really do. But I am leaning more and more towards this cycle being a bust. I'm not completely giving up hope though, I just feel like I'm making this all up in my head. I think all my dreams during my fertile phase and the fact I just want this soooooooo badly has made me sick and all my symptoms are in my head. I really do. I think that's part of what's had me so teary eyed the last three days is coming to terms with the reality that even though this cycle is wacky and different than any other cycle I've experienced in 23 months of NTNP/TTC that I will probably end up with another BFN and I'm resigned to having another cycle very soon. At least this way, on the off chance that I do get a BFP, it will feel amazing, but if I get the BFN I know I'm going to get, I will shed a tear for all the pain of frustration of this cycle and move forward with a positive attitude. I have to do that for my sanity's sake. Otherwise TTC will just be too emotionally draining.

So yeah, this sucks ladies. I don't know how much longer I can do this before I break. If I continue to have these kinds of unusual cycles, then I doubt I will continue to TTC for more than a few months. But then I remember my reason for putting all this stress on myself and my biological clock screams at me that I am not getting any younger, my resolve strengthens and I know I will push myself a little further. Just for a chance to hold another precious baby, especially one I have dreamed of and hoped for for as long as I have. Hope is such a cruel and wonderful thing.

Two more days until my test date and I hope that I am wrong in my expectation of the outcome. Because as of now, my cervix has already started lowering and hardening, coupled with the fact that my BBs are actually smaller than ever, I am not putting any stock in any of my other supposed *promising* symptoms. I don't have veins or any sort of glow. No, I kind of feel crampy... kinda and I just think that I'm fooling myself to think I could get a BFP so early on in TTC.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up on Friday already.
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Luna
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TTC cycle #1 - vitex, dong quai, epo, mucinex, vitamin c, B50 complex and omega-3 fish oil - BFN
TTC cycle #2 - vitex, dong quai, epo, mucinex, vitamin c, B50 complex and omega-3 fish oil - BFN
TTC cycle #3 - vitex, epo, vitamin c, B50 complex, omega-3 fish oil and pineapple core - BFN
TTC cycle #4 - vitex, dong quai, EPO, mucinex, B50 complex, omega-3 fish oil, flax seed, prenatals, carrot sticks/grapefruit (to help improve fertile CM) - BFN
Not TTC right now
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