Make me a Mom - The TTC Journal of Pleione/Sabrina
So why does one start a TTC journal…?
That’s a question I asked myself when I first noticed the option in several locations through the JM boards for members to create personal journals relating to their experiences. At first, the idea felt a little strange to me. It may me be because I’ve spent my years writing on sites designed for journaling that the idea of doing so on a forum felt counterproductive. Surely the idea on the forum is to interact and not write. But now… I decided it may have some purpose after all. Well, purpose for me. As a member of Justmommies who is not quite a regular yet visits often enough to know the ins and outs of this community forum, having a journal here may be the easiest way to try and seek out those who may be able to relate to me while sharing my progress and life story in a medium that works easiest for me. So here it is, folks. The blog nobody expected. Where does one begin? Let’s go for introductions!
Hi, I’m Sabrina. I’m a twenty-nine year old eccentric artist with a knack for gaming and a passion for design. I’ve been trained to draw pretties yet have spent my years working in customer service. My dream is to become a real-deal photographer yet my passion was always to be an animation artist. The reality right now is that I’m a homemaker making ends meet at home while my dearest breadwinner brings home the beef – not just the bread, ladies and gentlemen.
I came to JM a few months ago on a whim while searching for a site to answer some of my silliest questions. After a month of no period, I finally gave in and bought a pregnancy test at my sister’s request and took it inside a restaurant bathroom. You can imagine my shock when the second blaring pink line lit up like a Christmas tree within a matter of seconds. I was shocked. I spent the next several hours digging for answers online only to join JM and be one of the probably durr-durr members who post a screenshot of an obvious BFP asking if this was real.
“Oh my god. I just took 23 pregnancy tests and they all say pregnant. CAN THIS BE FAKE!??!?!11”
I have to wonder how many people facepalmed at me that day. I know I did looking back.
I knew for years that I wanted to be a mother. My husband spent many of them not trying but not really preventing, fully aware that we were always taking that risk when we did the dirty deed within our bedroom. Years. Years and never once did I feel as though I had an
‘oops’. Sure, there were times I was hopeful, but no. My body worked like clockwork and Aunt Flow showed no mercy each and every month. So you can imagine my surprise when after nearly five or six years of this I suddenly realize that Aunt Flow was … more than a little late.
I later went on to stay on JM and joined the October DDC since I was unsure on my exact due date. I went off the assumption that I may have conceived sometime in January, but come my first appointment, it was later confirmed that it actually happened around late December. Can you
believe that? I was nearly seven or eight weeks pregnant when I found out that I was going to become a mom. Someone once asked me how is that even possible. Beats me! You have to remember that I was never really trying so the thought never occurred until I missed my period twice.
As the months went along, I became more and more excited about the idea of becoming a mother. Of course all of this was not without a few sacrifices on my end. One in specifically was the fact that I had to give up my job. I was a customer service rep for my favorite company in the entire world – Microsoft Xbox 360 Customer Service Rep... at home! I was doing a DREAM job or considerably close to it. It wasn’t an art job, but I was answering questions and billing inquiries to something I consider myself a bit of a guru at. Work a job giving information to other gamers while being a rather hardcore gamer?
Hell yes. Sadly… my pregnancy forced me to leave. The reason for that was because my husband works a job where he travels weekly. His company pays him to go site to site across country working on computers and setting them up within the hospitals. The only time I was able to see him was when he came home that Friday up until he left Monday morning. We both knew that because of this, I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with the demands of a job that had me working well into 2am in the morning. With a heavy heart, I let the job go so that I could prepare to become a full-time stay at home mom. I had every intention of finding something at home that I could do flexible enough to cater with my new schedule, but I was looking forward to my new job... the job I sadly never got the opportunity to experience. Yes, it's going to get a bit tragic here, folks.
Without going into details (
unless you really want to know (New here... and sharing my story...)), I ended up losing my baby around 32 weeks. It was – as most put it – devastating to go through. Months of feeling this little life inside of me tell me that he was ready to come out only to have a doctor give me news I never wanted to hear … that his heart had stopped beating. I fooled myself into believing that this sort of thing only happens once in a blue moon. That you had to be a really rare scenario out of millions to be that one mother to lose a baby before it was born. Now I see I was wrong. It can be absolutely anyone. It can be someone young and healthy or was struggling with their health as is. You can have a reason that was as clear as day or absolutely no answer at all. Preterm loss is something I never imagined happening to me … period. You never think it will happen until it does. I somehow hit the jackpot that day and was selected for the worst situation a mother could ever want to experience. It hit me hard but not hard enough to stop me from writing about it when I went home.
So here I am a month and some weeks later. I’m a mother with a baby who is not physically here. I’ve hit a few rough patches and fell down a few sinkholes, but for the sake of my family and husband, I pulled through. Some days I feel like I am extremely blessed to have the people in my life that are here with me now. Other days I feel like ‘why me? Why was I that one?’ I cry, I smile. I fall, I rise. I’m by no means over my grief, but I can thankfully say that I know my little one is looking down over me. The experience has made me tremendously spiritual and thankful to be alive and in this world. I know most tend to say that it's all part of that big man upstairs plan, but I don't really know for certain. Who knows why it happened. Maybe it was part of His plan or maybe bad things just tend to happen. Whatever the reason, I can genuinely say that I learned a lot from the experience. A life experience that I feel will make me an amazing parent when I do become one.
For a case like mine, where does that put me in terms of journal sharing? After the loss, I realized that I had a number of options to go to on this forum. I knew right away in my heart that I wanted to try again. Actually try this time and not just have it happen by surprise. I’m trying to conceive my first after suffering a loss. That puts me in several groups here on JM where I thought I could easily fit into. Unfortunately, I realized within weeks that I was never going to fit in anywhere. Not because I’m some anti-social weirdo ( much ), but because I’m not as much as a regular on this forum like so many of the ladies here.
I post whenever I feel the need to write. My participation on the forms has always been rather casual. I was so casual that I never made the quota in my DDC to join the private group! As much as I loved the idea of mingling with mothers like me, I could never bring myself to update and posts frequently. What was I going to post about?
Today I woke up. Had pains. Ate a bagel. Did you watch that show? Okay, bed time!
Forums are meant for that type of socializing, I know. But in my head, if I wasn’t talking about something related to pregnancy , there wasn’t a need for me to post. I wasn’t the type to always join in conversations that I didn’t feel pertained to me. I didn’t already have a family to talk about and my situation was far too boring to give details on. I’m sure nobody was going to care that I totally wrecked some newbie in a PVP game on World of Warcraft. I was perfectly content being that rare guest who showed her face only when necessary.
So where does that put me now that I don’t have a DDC? Well, in a weird situation, that’s what! I’ve been trying to ‘post’ in the forums that call to me, but I’m beginning to notice that even they have their regulars who post far more frequently than I do. Sure I’ll pop in and ask a question or two, but I never really involve myself the way they do. It may be because I haven’t really started trying to conceive until recently. Even now I can’t seem to bring myself to really discuss the details of my ovulation or the fact that I’ve been temping and using fertility friend religiously. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m nervous that my entries will go unseen or barely responded to. I mean that is the point behind posting, right? To get support and have others interested in your obsession with getting pregnant? I’m probably just being grim about it since I’ve always been so casual in the first place, but I decided that I should stop trying to worry about fitting in and do what feels natural and comfortable for me. Which brings me back to my original point of this entry...
why start a TTC journal?
Because for me, my dear friends, I can talk about this and not feel as though I need others to answer in order to write. I don’t have to worry about lack of responses or ‘not fitting in’. I can talk about this and those who are interested are welcomed to read and even offer their thoughts but by no means feel obligated to do so! I can be myself and write at my leisure as I talk about the ups and downs of this journey without feeling like I’m that kid standing on the side lines watching the cool kids hang out. Writing has always been my outlet, my mantra, my way of getting things out. So if starting a journal on the forum is my way to ‘contribute’ to JM, so be it.
Hi. Did I introduce myself already? Let me do so again! I’m Sabrina! I’m going to be writing a TTC journal here under TTC. I could have easily thrown this under TTC #1 or TTC after loss, but the bottom line is that I'm just trying to conceive. I intend to hold nothing back and write about everything relating to this journey and hope you'll stick around to read. I apologize in advance if my story goes through loops, potholes, or takes a detour for a the worst. I have no idea what to expect but ... TTC is all about surprises, no?
I hope you stick around and bear with me as I try to pretend to know what I’m doing.
