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i have decided to start a ttc journal as a place to let out all of my feelings. i can talk to my husband, and he does understand as we are both really wanting to start a family, but some things i just feel are best to not "whine" about to him since they are the "same" things all the time. i dont have any friends in the same boat, so no one to talk to there. my friends either never want kids or already have kids, and while they would support ME, it is just hard to talk to them about ttc since they are not looking to have kids or never had a problem getting pregnant.
and so here my journal starts...
let's see, a little about me. i am 30 y.o. and a newlywed. my hubs and i have been ttc for over a year not, but we have been following more of the ntnp method, than full on ttc. with our wedding to plan and new jobs starting up, we felt it was best to "try" but also just see what happens. but now that we are married, we have been a little more focus on ttc and i am getting frustrated with the waiting. i was told i may have pcos about 5 years ago, but never followed through with finding out for sure. i think i was scared to know that i did and what it would mean for me starting a family, but about 6 months ago, i went back to the doctor and found out that while i do have some small cysts on one of my ovaries, they are nothing to worry about and my other ovary is looking good. other than a low iron count, they said i am healthy as far as pregnancy issues go - i could stand to lose some weight otherwise, but that is a long journey on it's own that i have been battling for years. i also have very irregular periods (have since i started), which is what lead to my original testing years ago, but so far except for the low iron, there is nothing to cause the irregular periods except it is just the way my body ia. ao as i said, my hubs is all for us starting our family, and after i did my testing, he did a home test to see if he was having a prob with his little swimmers, and the test came back saying he was good. we weren't so sure we trusted this test from walgreens, so he did go in to the doctors and took a test there and we found out that while he has plenty of swimmers, they are somewhat "lazy". he was recommended to go to a specialist to find out more of what causes the laziness and what can be done, but so far he hasnt gone yet.
as for our lives between the sheets, well, we have been ttc for over a year, but more of the "let's see what happens" route and not watching a calendar and plotting and planning, and so far we have had no luck (obviously since i am on here). we did the testing and stuff, just to be sure and know where we actually stand medically speaking, but we are both honest and admit that other things in our lifestyles may be effecting our baby hopes as well. we are both hard workers and dedicated to our jobs, but that means (for us) that we work long hours and work hard. for me, personally, that leads to a lot of "tired" nights and a lot of stress as well (always something going on at work!), which leads to me being "not in the mood". hubs respects that and will "try" to get me in the mood, but wont pressure me. he is awesome in the sense that sometimes he has a looooong wait between baby dancing, but he does okay. timing has sucked these last few months as well. between us working hard to be able to take some much needed time off recently (which means we have to work longer and harder before we go on a vaca), my period coming right as we're gearing up for a weekend of baby dancing, and/or my family showing up last minute and staying longer than expected, we just have not had much baby dancing going on until we took our recent vacation (and definitely made up for lost time! haha, tmi, sorry!).
so besides work hours and stress, we could eat a little healthier (goal for this month!), but also i think part of the problem is that i am just not in the mood a lot. there. i said it.
i am just not in the mood.
and i dont mean at the end of a long day at work or at the end of a lot week. i mean in general. i am just typically "not in the mood". i would rather lie in bed with the hubs and talk to him and snuggle and listen to his voice as i fall asleep. he is usually in the mood, but respects me not to push me, but i know he wants to baby dance (not just for baby hopes either!), and i know it and then feel bad for not doing it that night. i know i shouldn't feel bad, but i do, just how i am. we try to baby dance regularly, but with out schedules (10+hr days) and lives, we usually don't get much loving time between the sheets the first part of the week. that means we wait til our weekend arrives, and by then it just feels like it is "expected", which makes it less fun to me. so having it expected and me no being in the mood = not a good combo. but when i say i am not in the mood, don't get me wrong. i want to have sex. i want to have sex for the enjoyment of it AND in hopes of getting preggo, but while i may focus on getting preggo a lot during the week, once we start our love making, it is the last thing on my mind - til i am lying there tired and *hoping*.
so enough about my life under the blankets.
i had a ttc journal on another site about 8 months ago. i stopped using it because i felt like i was whining all the time. i am hoping this journal does not follow suit, but i apologize if it does. i just get so bummed out when aunt flo comes every month and i need a place to let it all out when she does and i get down on myself. my irregular periods dont help things along, because they prevent me from using the ovulation calendars since my period is different every month, and so i cannot really "plan" on when is best for the hubs and i to jump in bed - unfortunately.
well, that is it for now. i am starting to fall asleep at the computer and so on that note, i will say goodnight to anyone who stumbles across this journal!
so i didn't end up writing in here regularly as planned. i have been meaning to, but like i said before - my last journal just felt like a bunch of whining and i didn't want this one to, and so every time i got ready to write on here i would think about what i wanted to write about, and it felt like whining. again. :: i want to journal things out, but it is hard to without sounding like all i am doing in whining. but when things don't ever seem to look up, that is unfortunately what it sounds like (to me).
and so i have just decide to journal - whining and all. i do apologize if it sounds like that, but honestly i have no one else to talk to about this and don't know where else to let all my frustration out at, so perhaps i am whining, but then again this is my journal and perhaps that is what i will use it for. ::shrug::
so since my original post, the hubs and i have been bd'ing a lot more often. and by more often, i mean i have been trying to suggest it myself, even if i am tired, or just not let my being tired stop us from doing it. we wound up bd'ing about 3 times a week, though as i said before, it tends to be later in the week instead of spread out, but i was just thinking that we'll take what we can get since we cannot make our schedules any better than they are. so we have done better than usual this last month, but again no baby luck. since my last post i have had aunt flo come twice, and each time i get so bummed out i just don't know what to think. the hubs tries to stay upbeat about it, but i just cannot. i try not to be so down in the dumps over it for him, but it is hard. i have been asked twice if i have kids, once if i was currently preggo, and then had a good friend at work tell me his wife just found out she is expecting baby #3. while i am super happy for the guy at work, it still just makes me sad at the same time. no, i don't have kids already, no i am not preggo, and while i am happy for my co-worker, i wish it was me.
my parents were visiting the other week and babysat for a friend so we could go to a night out for a few hours and when i came home i got to hear about how sweet her girls are and how much fun they had watching the girls and all the while my mom is giving me the "look" that says she wishes they had their own grandbabies to babysit. i just wanted to tell her "it's not due of lack of trying" but i just didn't want to get into this conversation with her and so i ignored the looks. i know my parents would be so happy to be grandparents. they would love to spoil some grandbabies, but i just cant bring up the topic with them. i would hear that we need to go to a doctor to get things checked at or get help, but we are planning on it - when we can afford it. neither of us have health insurance through our work, so we save and save and save and then go get some tests run. but then we have to save and save and save before we can do more, and they won't understand. they will say we just need to focus on our health and such, and while we are, what can we do if we cannot afford to do it all at once??? i know they will offer to help, but i know that financially they really cannot and i don't want to put them in the position to feel the need to offer and/or me in the position to have to decline the help either.
my hubs mom offered the suggestion of changing up our positions to ones more conducive for his lazy swimmers - she says to have me lay on my back at the end of our baby dance. we have tried it, but i have also heard that while this helps in a sense (gravity and all) that it will only help so much and his lazy swimmers still have to do most of the journey on their own willpower. so we will try it the next few baby dances, then try a new position for a few, then a new one a few later, but i personally think that if his swimmers are lazy, they need more help than just me laying on my back. plus, i have a feeling that there is something else that i need to be doing with my own body, but i don't know what and wont know til i get to the doctor again sometime.
i have read a lot about how couples who had the lazy swimmer issue with their hubs wound up going with an IUI or IVF in the end and i kind of wonder if we should just do that too? i have talked to the hubs about it and he is okay with saving up for either procedure, but he thinks we can just have me lay on my back and it will happen naturally. but how long will us trying this way will it take for it to either work or he will realize it is not working before we try something else? i just want to start my family so badly and i don't know how to explain this to the hubs without breaking down! he wants a family too, don't get me wrong. he is ready to be a dad, ready to have a kid, ready for me to be preggo, but it is not the same 'readiness" as i am. and i can't explain this to him without him thinking i am obsessive or crazy or something. i just am feeling somewhat lost with the thoughts that i am having such a hard time getting preggo. everywhere i look there are families or preggo ladies - whether it is friends and family or strangers in stores - i just feel so bummed out. when the hubs and i go shopping, i try to go around the baby aisles to get to where we need to go, because even seeing all the cute holiday clothes and diapers and such is a blow to me - and how do i explain feeling that to the hubs? i went looking at holiday decorations, i want to get the hubs and i fun stockings this year, and i saw cute decorations that i thought to myself "this would be great in a kids room" or "this would be great for a kid to decoration for the family at thanksgiving" or "this will be what i put up when we have kids", but then i get bummed again. i love the holidays, but this season is so hard already!
'tis the season to be jolly, but hopefully it is also the season for baby dust for all.
happy start of the holiday season everyone! hopefully your spirits are starting off higher than mine!