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I just wanted to start a little journal to remind myself when I look back what I feeling on a certain day.
Today is CD 5 of month 5 of actually trying. I have been off my birth control for like 7 months now. I feel totally normal today. AF left I think, not going to O for at least another week, nothing really to report.
This morning I was pretty mad at DH, I kind of feel bad now. He woke up at 7:08 and decided he didn't want to wake us up till later so he sets the alarm for 7:35. I am was sooo mad when I woke up because that is not enough time for me to get myself all dressed, with make up and hair done, eat breakfast, and do everything else and still make it to work on time. Luckily I skip a couple steps and still made it to work. But, I didn't eat breakfast or pack a very good lunch so I am currently starving.
I know he didn't mean to do it was just irritating to start my day that way. Then as I am getting ready I notice this huge mark on my neck. Oh really?! A hickey?! Its so dark and purple I couldn't even cover it. I had to wear a shirt that covered it. So of course I was mad at him already so that just made it worse. Then as I get in my truck and get ready to take off I notice I have no gas and he didn't give me gas money.. Now I have no idea if I can make it home on the gas I have. UGH!
So mostly today has been very irritating.
With all the irritation over everything else I can't help but imagine what all this will be like with a baby. And I know I want this more than anything but I just keep thinking about how we will manage if I become a SAHM. I would love that more than anything. I just don't think we could. Then I wonder who will watch my little one, who could I trust. The only person is my mom but my niece is sooo attached to her because she watches her so much. My niece prefers to be with her Ama, my mom, more than Stephanie, her mom. She actually kind of hates Stephanie. Though I do too. She is terrible to my brother and horrible mother. I wouldn't say that unless its true. She smoked weed and cigarettes through her entire pregnancy. But all that aside I still have no idea who I would trust to watch my baby, if I ever even get a BFP.
The more time that passes the less likely it seems. I am hoping by doing this journal I can distract myself from realizing how much time has past. I hate that every day seems to move slower because TTC is all I think about.
And I have another UTI. I am getting so sick of getting these. Its bull crap. I shouldn't get as many as I do but doctors don't care. They don't care that I have hives, that I'm not getting pregnant, that I get UTI's. They just think I'm fine. UGH! Soo annoyed today.
So today is a good day, though I don't feel very good. I'm feeling nauseous and that is probably because of the antibiotics I am taking my UTI.
Its mine and Dh's dating anniversary today, which has me in a great mood. All I have been thinking about today is all the time we have spent together and the life that we are building together. I am so happy to be where I am. I couldn't be happier with him. We are two pieces of a very strange puzzle that just fit perfectly. I don't think I could have found someone that compliments me better. Its a ying and yang thing.
Because of today I also haven't been able to stop thinking about starting our family. I want nothing more than to have a baby and its just not happening how I thought. I had a ton of EWCM today but my OPK is still not even close to positive. Its that first time using OPK's so idk if I am doing it wrong or what. My CP is high medium open and firm so I should O by the end of the weekend as far as my other cycles tell me. I did temp when we first started trying but it was way too much of a hassle with my schedule so that's why I stopped. I thought I knew my cycle but maybe not as the OPK's are telling me. I hope they go positive soon to tell me that I am getting a LH surge and ovulating. But who knows. I feel like I have to worst luck ever and it would just seem fit that I am not even ovulating. That's how things seem to work in my life. I wish I could get the doctors to help me but as of now they won't. I won't be able to have medical help for TTC till at the earliest April...Which seems way too far. I hope I get a BFP with a very sticky bean before then.
Well that's my story for today. I haven't posting on this as much as I'd like but I will do what I can. I think to have my feelings from day to day written down so I can remember what my mind set was like each day.
Well love you all, this is all till next time.
Today I am in a very bad mood.
This is going to turn into a rant, I already know it, so prepare yourself for my book.
Yesterday, as you know, was mine and Dh's dating anniversary. I was so excited for some romance. There hasn't been much of that going on because of the holidays and what not. And honestly, there isn't much of it anyways, DH isn't really the type to think of a super cute romantic thing to do for me. He's the type to buy me a movie on Valentine's Day, and then not want to watch it with me because its a chick flick. I don't really mind it most of the time. I know he's not very creative and it never bothers me. Its just on a day like yesterday, which scares me for our wedding anniversary, is it really so hard to just want to spend some time alone together at least? Yesterday was his cousins birthday so we went over there and hungout for a bit. Which wouldn't have made me mad but with everything else it was kind of like the last thing I could take. Yesterday morning before work, he said he forgot what day it was, but he remember it was his cousins birthday....Then we decided last week that we would celebrate on Saturday since we both worked today and couldn't stay out late last night. So I was totally fine with that, till he made plans with his cousins and friends to go snowboarding on Saturday.. and we are going out that night for his cousin Laura's 21 birthday. So I guess anything I wanted to for us is out. And I am not even 21 yet, I have no idea if I will be able to get in the places they are going. Sometimes it really bothers me that I am so young age wise but I am smarter and more responsible than 90% of the people I know that are my age. I wish that was enough to get me into a bar. But, I am hoping I get to go out with them so maybe I can do somethingg on that day instead sitting at home sulking about how DH can never manage to do anything special. How can you forget plans that you made with your wife to make plans to go snowboarding? Wouldn't you want some alone time with your significant other especially with the holidays just passing and haven't had barley any alone time. I mean come on! What does a girl have to do to get some attention. I honestly wish I could have DH do something like Diamond's fiance did for her. He had the room so cute (seen in pictures she posted) and did a grand proposal on her birthday. Want to know how DH asked me to marry him? We were on the couch and he said he thought we should get married.... COOOLLL! It never really bothered me till now. I think that's because I am just so **** irritated and the more I think about yesterday the more pissed I become and that makes me hate the way everything else has happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend when we started dating because I said something about my mom asking what was up with us and I didn't know what to tell her. He said why don't you just tell her we are dating. I was like umm because we aren't? The last time you said anything you said we would see how things go. He said Oh well just tell her we are dating. Again COOOOLL. That's how you ask someone to be your girlfriend. Am I not good enough to get a special way. Do I not deserve to be ask out proper, or proposed to properly. I mean seriously?! What do I have to do. I definitely don't want to tell him how mad I am about it all, because then he will do something and it will only make me more mad because he is only doing because I was upset and said something. I want him to just want to do something special. I don't want to have to ask for it. I want it to come from the heart, I want anything to come from the heart! I have always been artistic and I always make a special card for stuff, or I painted a picture of us holding hands, or cute stuff like that. And I know he isn't super artistic but I wish he would do something for my present or something that is special. I wish ugh I don't what I wish anymore.
This weekend was amazing. I spent all my time snuggled up with DH, which led to lots of BDing. I hope this is our cycle I already can't wait to test.
I had a positive OPK on the 31st but this morning I took one and it was dark enough to drive me insane! But when I took one this afternoon it was almost completely white. So who knows!
Just a quick update today. So hopeful for this cycle but I really don't want to jinx it.
So much for being hopeful this cycle. AF came was very angry with me this month. Cramps were pretty painful yesterday. Not too sure why they just hurt really bad.
Not feeling much like trying anymore but I just can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so broken. Like my mind is soo drained and worn out from trying so hard and its just not happening. I wish I could just know that this was actually going to happen. I am so afraid that there is something wrong with me and we are just wasting all this time for nothing. I've always wanted a huge family. I just love the feeling of being surrounded by so many people that love you and that you love. But since high school, after a few mistakes that I should've ended up pregnant from and didn't, I began thinking there was something wrong with me and I couldn't have kids. I used to just brush it off and say that was the hypochondria in my speaking but now I am really starting to think that I should go with my gut. Maybe there is something wrong. Maybe there is something stopping me from getting pregnant. We have had the best timing almost every month. I know when I am ovulating, my cycles are pretty regular. I just don't understand. Why isn't this happening?! Is it not my time? Am I not supposed to have a baby right now? Part of me just wants to stop trying and let it happen when it does but I've already put so much effort in. And I want this more than I have ever wanted something in my entire life. Though there is that part that wants to give up, I still feel that part of me that yearns to be a mother. I dream about feeling a movement in my belly, about buying tiny little baby booties, about taking family photos, about waking up in the middle of the night to feed them, about getting told I am the worst mother in the world one minute and I love you mommy the next. There isn't anything about parenting that I don't want. I will take all the bad with the good because they are all memories of your children that you and them will have forever. I want to bring life into this world. I want part of me to carry on after I am gone.
Is this all too much to ask for? There is so many people in this world with less than I have, but I don't think asking to be able to bear a child is too much to ask for. I just wish there was some way to know if I was doing something wrong or for what reason this isn't happening. But there is no magic answer. We all have to trudge through this journey day by day and deal with this constant ache for something we can't make happen. I never thought it would be this hard. This is a life lesson that I know is going to make me so much stronger and ready to be a mother. But right now, I am just mad at my body. I mad at the world for not giving me what I crave so much.
Well I guess that is all I have to say. I am just depressed and mad today. I will just sulk and try to bring myself past this. Definitely not going to stress so much this cycle. Just try really hard to relax. Though I have no idea how well that is going to work.
Mostly just irritated with life today. Mad at DH for spending money he shouldn't (what's new?!) Mad at my mom for treating me like a 2 year old, clearly I am not. Mad at my job for just being so **** irritating. Just not in the best mood. Not wanting to anything except go home, download epic music, lay down, and fall asleep to said epic music.
Thanks. That is all. Love you guys! I am sure nobody reads this. It just makes me feel better to get it all out.
I would have to say that today is worse than the other. I just can't seem to get out of this funk. It has been like four days of this never ending terrible mood. I feel like crying all the time. I snap very easily and am just generally mad about everything. This morning I woke up and thought, what is even the point of getting up?
The way I am feeling today really doesn't need to be told in detail. Its a deep sadness. I don't know what started it but I can't seem to shake it. This isn't the kind of thing I need to write about for you all to read. This is all I am going to say for today.
O trust me I've been there and u don't have to write but I do understand n do know u will get out this funk... for me its my faith that brings me out... knowing that one day... may not be tomorrow, may not be today but one day... if u need to talk i'm just a pm away
Awh thank you!
Today was so much better. Last night I sat down with my SO and had a very nice talk. We talked about everything that has been bothering me and it felt so good to get it out in the open. I love him so much and after the talk yesterday I am more excited about TTC than ever before. He is excited too, which I know now. Before I knew that he was okay with TTC but he never really expressed his feelings till I told him how upset I was.
This month is still going to be all about being happy and relaxed. Just take my vitamins and think about it too hard.