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I decided to start my journal today at 1DPO. I've been asked by a few people to do a journal of this journey and at one point when we first were TTC I did. I was really proud of our blog but I got the backlash of a lifetime for it. I had just come out (again I suppose), I was still going through a nasty divorce and things were turbulent in my life. I have kept the blog but its private and occasionally if someone is interested I will let them read it however it's more of a reflection for my dw and I.
TTC with a woman is so much different than when my ex and I were TTC with my two children. The obvious reasons are there with the method of conception but the feelings are different as well.
Background info, we have had a lot of different donor drama. When we first TTC last year in retrospect we probably weren't ready. We were still in on our honeymoon phase and knew we wanted children together but wasn’t sure how to really go about doing it. We decided to go to an RE and do IUI with anonymous donor sperm. After lots of meds, money and heartbreak 2 cycles didn’t take. We then decided to do at home insems with a known donor or (KD). It was a mess to say the least. We asked a family member on my wife's side that was at first willing and then decided to say no about a week later and not without insult. We then took a break again and found another donor who was a mutual friend. He was nice, wanted to remain anonymous and was local. After one cycle of BFN's we took a cycle off to go to Vegas. When we came back we were energized, refreshed and ready to go. At this time in the news, there was a story of an Oklahoma lesbian couple who broke up and one went to apply for welfare. She ended up telling them who the donor was when he wanted to remain anonymous. The state went after him for back child support and it was a mess. This couple had no contract with their donor but there was a verbal agreement not to identify him at any time (which means nada in the legal world). This scared our friend and even though we had signed an pretty iron clad contract he wanted out. We lost a friend because of it. After this we were hurt and I was done. This wasn’t an act of love. It was my dw and I putting everything out on the line, our feelings, our hearts, our money, our relationships and getting torn down. We didn’t get it. We both had good jobs, made plenty of money together and had an amazing relationship that our friends and family couldn’t deny.
At this point we made a move to my home state where my family and my children lived with their father. I am extremely lucky that I was able to go remote with my job and my wife found a job at the university hospital in Columbus. Things were finally settling and we enjoyed the summer with my children, our new home and a new city. I felt like our life was where I wanted to be and had almost come to terms that maybe having children together was something that just wouldnt transpire.
I then learned about a website that was a known donor registry after a google search. I dont know what compelled me to look at it but i'm glad I did. We had hope again that we could fulfill the dream of being parents together and the dream was alive in myself again. We found a donor and did an at home insem in August. It didn’t take and I was disappointed but it didn’t feel hopeless. We took another month off to go to the beach and then did another insem this past week. However our donor was different. We went to ask our donor that did the insem in August but because he travels for work his schedule is unpredictable. We went back to the site and found another donor that ended up matching us perfectly. My wife is 50% Italian and our donor is fully Greek so the hair, the skin tone matches more my wife's physical characteristics. He is so sweet (and so good looking might I add) and meshes with us so well. We agreed to keep him in our life and he wants wants to stay in ours as an uncle role to our child.
I am now 1DPO and I'm hopeful. So hopeful. I also should mention I am on clomid this cycle. My obgyn is awesome and agreed to have me try a few cycles with it to see if we could get this baby train rolling. I will post more in this 2WW as I'm sure I will come to so many realizations and ephiphanies. haha
Last edited by LivyLove; October 3rd, 2013 at 09:56 AM.
So today I am 1DPO. My dw who is on medical leave from her job (poor boo broke her foot on vacation) took me out to lunch and we had a discussion on what might be going in my body. Here is the scenario I played in my head
Eggie: Fella's fella's, get in line. Yes I am single and ready to mingle.
Spermie: What up girl? (I imagine he looks like John Stamos, our donor is 100% greek)
Eggie: Oh just dropped by to see what's going on. Ugh, there are some losers at this party.
Spermie: Oh girl, I got what ya need. I can make you're wildest dreams come true. Together we can grow into something amazing, adorable and when the time is right, we will bust out of here and start our life together.
Eggie: Oh my, that sounds so promising and wonderful. I am yours, hug me!
Spermie: (Hugs eggie) conception begins.
If there were 2 eggs released this would happen twice with the eggie bringing a friend for the spermie's friend.
Yes my friends thats what I am imagining happening in my tubes at this time.
Since starting this TTC cycle I've been thinking a lot about the perils of testing early. The frustrations, the disappointment when you get a BFN, the hurt you feel that your body somehow misled you with crazy signals, symptoms and flutters. Some women can do it, feel bad and move on. Others can't. I'm in the other category. Getting BFN's time and again, damage me. They break my spirit and affect me in ways that I thought I couldn’t be touched. Normally I'm a stone wall when it comes to emotions. Some things like my family, my marriage with Sara, my kids, I am passionate about. Other things I keep at a distance until I feel the need to deal. Seeing 1 line on a pregnancy test puts me in a tailspin of emotions. It makes me feel useless, inadequate…broken. Yes, we have been TTC for one year but with starting and stopping again in reality it's been about 6 months with prep and actually trying. That's not long at all really. It feels like eternity yes, but in reproductive time it's not that lengthy.
This weekend DW and I shopped with the kids for their Halloween costumes. It was a fun time and I cherished it. I love being together. Having a split parent situation is hard on everyone but most of all them, so having fun times together is something that’s important to me. At one point I was holding Olivia's hand and I looked down at her. She looked so grown up. That once baby voice is now a child's voice. Her hair is now styled more maturely and lies relaxed and free flowing from her shoulders. She says things that are put together with logic, thought and sometimes profound emotion. My baby is now a little girl and it's hard to swallow. She was my miracle baby. She was my baby when 2 weeks prior my OBGYN was telling me I wouldn't conceive without serious medical intervention. I was so young and so green that I couldn’t stop and take it all in. While my son was a little different, I still didn’t really take it all in like I could have.
This time around, I need to stop and breathe. Ladies if you are reading this and don't have children, it all goes by so fast. There will be times when you are pregnant and feeling the worst you have felt in your life but they will pass and pass quickly. You don't quite get it until it's all said and done. This is such an exciting time for our family. We are attempting to add to our family that has so much love and admiration for each other it's hard to wrap your head around sometimes. Today I am 5DPO. I am feeling great and for now I can hold off testing or wanting to test. It will come soon. Maybe it will be this cycle, maybe it won't but one thing is for sure. When I finally get those 2 lines, every emotion, heartache, broken relationships and tears will be worth it.
Hey remember what I said in the post before? Forget it...no kidding, but really I had 2WW window bliss.
Today at 7DPO I am so cranky I can't hardly take it. I feel so sick to my stomach and have been cramping on and off all day. My lower back is hurting and I feel like a giant pile of poo.
Do I think I'm pregnant? No. I think I have a bug my wonderful other half gave me. Thanks, love. I am not optimistic about anything this cycle but its also because i feel like a ton of bricks has slapped me in the uterus/stomach and back.