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Kind of hurt


Forum: July 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
January 25th, 2013, 01:08 AM
NinjaCakes's Avatar Awesomesauce
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I was expressing my frustration to SO about our neighbor, who has become very irresponsible and entirely too mean to her son. Despite the good that seemed to come out of me confronting her about it, she is going back to her old ways, and it breaks my heart for this little boy. Jumping to her defense - tell me why the hell? - SO said "Just wait until our baby is a year old and you can't wait to get away from it."

Silly as it may seem, this stung. Initially it was just hurt, but now it's also become quite an insult in my eyes. How dare he compare me to her. First of all, we are nothing alike. She does not like children. I love them; they are nearly the only humans I can stand. She never wanted one, which she often tells people. It's quite clear through her behavior that she strongly resents her son for being born. Goodness forbid he should come along and be her responsibility. I have waited anxiously for so long just to have the opportunity to be a mother. I do not and have never wanted anything more than this. Having never seen or heard him/her, I still feel as if I would give up anything to have this baby. Nothing means more to me. It's a feeling too strong for me to put into words, but I know you all must understand it.

Secondly, I come from a family of 'troubles.' Both of my parents are long-time addicts, both emotionally manipulative, and one very abusive. As is so often the case with addicts, my siblings and I grew up in the midst of chaos, violence, and neglect. It was a very unhealthy, unsafe environment. SO knows this all too well. He knows how much I struggle with it still. He knows I have dedicated a great deal of work to separating myself from those kinds of people and that kind of life, because I have no desire to ever be like them. And this woman he has compared me to is exactly like them. She is rather uneducated (by choice). Her main interests in life are getting high, drinking, and being promiscuous. She has no care for what her actions and words will do to her son, how they harm him now and will continue to as he grows (and I have told her). She couldn't even be bothered to stop smoking (both kinds) while pregnant, or now to leave him with a responsible adult while she gets high. FFS, I live 20 feet away from her, am always home, and she knows I wouldn't charge her when it comes to something like this. As much as I don't want to enable her, I would rather he be here with me, not exposed to it, and learning something of a life different than the one she's presenting him. There isn't much I wouldn't do to spare any child at least some of the hurt I know these types of people cause. I do hate to sound so judgmental but the truth isn't always nice.

Lastly, I provide child care. I hold myself to very high standards, often higher than the parents I provide for. I have dealt with some exceptionally difficult children - I'm particularly drawn to these kids because I want so much to help them. That is why I've chosen to pursue a career in clinical psychology specializing in children and adolescents. Never have I even come close to doing the kinds of things that this woman does. I would never hit a child in the face (or give more than a tap anywhere but the hand or diapered butt), and I certainly would not tell them I hate them, call them b*stards, a**holes, or make racist remarks at them. The worst day I have ever had with children was when I was tending two previously neglected, non-verbal autistic children under age 3, and I sat the little boy in time out 11 times in three hours. If I ever felt myself approaching a point beyond that I would have to seriously examine whether or not I was fit for the job.

Goodness knows I will have days when I'll be tired and my patience will wear thin, but I cannot imagine any child ever doing anything to merit such hateful, harmful reactions - especially my own. And I cannot believe that he would not only consider what she does acceptable, but that he would hold such a low opinion of me. I don't even think I can express it to him. It's just not something he would understand.
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  #2  
January 25th, 2013, 01:51 AM
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My guess is that he never meant you were like her. You sound really passionate and dedicated to kids, and surely he knows that. Yes, his comment is rude, considering how neglectful your neighbor is, and I bet he didn't give the comment nearly the amount of thought that you have. Of course I don't presume to know him, and maybe he said other things that make the story worse... I'm just guessing based on what you've written.

Goodness, are we both sitting here with insomnia? Hope you get some sleep, I'm off to try again.
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  #3  
January 25th, 2013, 02:39 PM
Kiam's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I understand that it stung, but is there a chance that he just worded it poorly?

I have to admit, I generally find people approaching others about how they raise their kids out of line, regardless of the situation itself because in the end, you really don't know what someone is going through, her reasons behind her behaviour or what state of mind she is in, so is there also a chance that he was frustrated at you for doing that, or for taking on their lives as somehow your responsibility and he just snapped a little?
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  #4  
January 25th, 2013, 02:52 PM
doodoosmom's Avatar 4 kids?! Who's counting!
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I think he should've worded that a lot differently..Plus, being pregnant I find myself taking things far too personally & I'm pretty sensitive these days, so I would probably be offended too. You definitely don't sound anything like her!
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  #5  
January 25th, 2013, 03:10 PM
Gini_3boys's Avatar Super Mommy
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You know your husband better than any of us but chances are he didn't really mean it as an insult although I can see why it would hurt you. I would talk to him about it just so you don't bottle it up and get even more angry. He might not get what the big deal was(as my dh probably wouldn't either) but at least you let him know how it made you feel.

As for your neighbor....ugh she sounds like a nightmare of a mother. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent and we can all have bad days but when you see someone treating their child or neglecting them day in and day out, I think its pretty obvious they are just a crappy parent and not just having an off day. And no child should be raised around drug use. Sounds like she needs cps called on her.
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  #6  
January 26th, 2013, 10:20 AM
GranolaMamaOf3's Avatar ~Heather~
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gini_3boys View Post
You know your husband better than any of us but chances are he didn't really mean it as an insult although I can see why it would hurt you. I would talk to him about it just so you don't bottle it up and get even more angry. He might not get what the big deal was(as my dh probably wouldn't either) but at least you let him know how it made you feel.

As for your neighbor....ugh she sounds like a nightmare of a mother. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent and we can all have bad days but when you see someone treating their child or neglecting them day in and day out, I think its pretty obvious they are just a crappy parent and not just having an off day. And no child should be raised around drug use. Sounds like she needs cps called on her.
Ditto to all of this! Men just don't think before saying things. I'm guessing he didn't mean it the way he said it. Definitely try to talk with him!

As much as I think children shouldn't be taken away from their parents, there are cases where it's in their best interest. Have you considered reporting her?

I'm so sorry for all of this!
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  #7  
January 26th, 2013, 11:48 PM
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This woman sounds like she should have child protective services called on her.
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  #8  
January 27th, 2013, 10:49 AM
NinjaCakes's Avatar Awesomesauce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aramsamsam View Post
Yes, his comment is rude, considering how neglectful your neighbor is, and I bet he didn't give the comment nearly the amount of thought that you have.
Yes, odds are he never considered the deeper impact the comment would have - he never does. He simply doesn't think about or understand things like that, even when I explain them to him. If I told him he would say that I was being stupid. He has what I call a low emotional IQ (see, I can be nice!). However unthinking, when I met him he had a bad habit of freely handing out insults to people he was close to - learned it from his father who never has a nice word to say to or about him. He's far better now but it does still happen and I'm certain this was one of those times. Especially considering the acidly tone in which he spewed it.

After further consideration I've concluded that I touched on his fears of being a bad parent. I've tended kids as long as he has known me, and he doesn't have nearly the patience for them that I do. He's stated many times that he can only stand them for a few minutes before he just wants them to go away. I think he is afraid he'll be this way with our child and therefore wants it to be acceptable. I also don't believe he realizes that there is a difference between being frustrated with a child, and doing what she does.

However afraid he may be, that doesn't give him the right to hurt me. That is something we've had to work on a lot over the years and I won't just let it go now. It takes a lot of work to train yourself not to hurt others but I've done it, and so can he. One thing he won't admit is how hurtful words can be. He pretends to not care so often that he thinks everyone else should, too. Hence his belief that what he says shouldn't matter, that people should just grow a "thicker skin." This may be a breaking point for us. If he's going to refuse to grow up now, with a baby coming, then he'll quickly find out I won't allow him to continue the cycle of emotional abuse. All of his emotional work would be for nothing if he fell right back into those old ways with his own child.
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