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About a year ago, I had my first panic attack. Doctor doesnt know what triggered it but he diagnosed it as being one, did not put me on any medication.
Last night, I had my third panic attack since finding out I was pregnant. It was awful the panic attack itself wasnt what was so terrible, it was my thoughts. And that is why I feel so guilty this morning. Here's what happened...
Yesterday, I asked hubby about insurance and how much our copay was. This whole time I believed our copay was 100 and we had a 2000 deductible but he tells me we dont even have a copay. Instantly I start worrying and looking up prices for the first prenatal appointment since mine is SUPPOSED to be on the 10th. What I find freaks me out even more. I try to stay calm and not worry but DH starts doing a "I'm not a good husband, I cant take care of you" thing and I snap at him. :/ Usually I'm super supportive and I HATE that I snapped at him when he was already feeling bad but I was already worrying pretty hardcore about our financial situation and he wasnt helping. I was a b****. Anyways, fast forward to later. I can feel that I'm not quite okay but I thought I had my emotions under control, until we started watching How I Met Your Mother and two characters in the show are TTC. The girl gets a false positive (doesnt know its false at the time) and her and her DH start freaking out. Once they go to the doctor and find out its a false positive, they are actually relieved because they didnt feel they were ready for a baby (their friend makes them realize they are but that has nothing to do with my story...). Watching this makes me start to think about how we unprepared we are for a baby and how it might have been best if I lost it, but even while thinking it I thought about how I panic anytime there is a pain and how I'm terrified of losing this baby Good ol DH though knows when somethings wrong and him being who he is, made me point, I laid down because I felt my emotions start to break and I wanted desperately to keep it start to talk to him, especially after I started crying. After I started talking, the panic attack happened and all of my fears and worries and guilt came rushing out.
The guilt and fear is still with me this morning. I cant believe that I even thought for a second that it might be a good thing if I lost this baby. I am horrified at myself for even having that thought because I love my beanie baby how could I possibly be a good mom if I had that thought? And how can I be a good mom when I have no experience with babies?
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and I apologize for my breakdown last night. There are so many moms who have lost their babies and been devastated that I dont feel like I deserve to be pregnant. DH reminded me last night that God doesnt give us more than we can bear so I'm trying to stay positive today. Again, I'm so very, very sorry for last night. I respect you ladies and felt that keeping this a secret would have been deceitful in some way (wierd, I know) and I hope I havent offended anybody with the way I felt in that moment
Last edited by mrskfet; January 2nd, 2013 at 06:05 AM.
Reason: random sentence fragment
This is such an emotional time for a woman. Don't beat yourself up too much for it. Becoming a mom is scary sometimes especially if it's your first baby. I think many women have the same fears and thoughts on occasion as you do. I think venting here is very healthy and I'd hope no one would say anything harsh to you.
Its okay to feel utterly emotional, confused, disappointed, and guilty. I have had a loss recently and I was devastated by it and I still had the same thought you had for a moment due to my own financial situation. But I realized it was merely me being afraid and irrational. All of us love our little beans but in some cases our fears get the best of us. Im sorry you are having panic attacks as I know those can be terrible. But try not to be too hard on yourself our hormones can have us on an emotional rollercoaster. I often say and think things i don't mean. Hope you start to feel a little better as the day goes on. *Hugs*