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Forum: August 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
February 19th, 2013, 09:39 AM
onemoremakesfour's Avatar ThreeBoys
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 416
I really wasn't expecting to be adding another and I am freaked out about adding one that does not have the same last name as my boys. I don't know why this is such a concern of mine, but it is. I love my SO, but I never thought I would ever divorce. I wanted the "perfect" family and for many years made people think we were the perfect couple. I wanted him to be such a good dad and husband that it took me a long time to make the final decision to leave because it was so unhealthy how he ignored me and started ignoring our middle son.

When DS2 was 7 he had even asked if we could move without him because he was mean to him and ignored him like he did me. Heck even DS1 told me his dad was more his friend than mine because he wouldn’t talk to me. That dad would always go to his games and not Trent’s (DS2). It was so obvious the boys saw what was going on, yet it still took me almost another year after this before I finally pulled the trigger. I knew if I didn’t leave my kids would think that was a normal relationship when it is not!!

My ex’s dad actually treats his mom the same, but worse (lots of name calling on top of ignoring). His whole family treats their mom like crap because of this. They call her stupid, tell her to shut the *** up because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, the daughters have even gotten physical with the mother. One daughter punched her at the other daughter’s wedding and then the dad choked her telling her it was her fault. The kids hid the dad when the cops were called. We had already left and she called me at 2am because she was walking home and needed a ride. I was 8 months pregnant with DS3 at the time. It was ridiculous!!

I was the only in-law who didn’t join in (one daughter-in-law, and two son-in-laws also joined the bandwagon of being ***** to her)!! I told my ex how wrong it was and how I was on her side because everyone was so hateful to her! I also told him if he ever talked to me the way his dad talked to his mom I would leave.

My ex started telling me to shut up and yelling at me at the end of the relationship. I actually told him for two years we were going to divorce if we didn't get help. I went to marriage counseling on my own for a year, I told him when I was going to see a lawyer, I told him when I was serving him papers at the house because I didn't want to do it at his work, and I told him we should split the money evenly. He still never thought I'd actually do it. I remember the day he told DS2 if we ever divorced it would be because of him. DS2 was crying from what he said and I was so upset. I held him and told him it would never be because of him and that I loved him so much!

His mom called me about 6 months before I filed telling me she understood if I left him. That she would have left years ago, but with 5 kids and no job she couldn’t. She said I was a good mom and made good money and did not need to put up with what I was dealing with. I told her I wasn't going to divorce him because at the time I honestly thought I could still turn things around. I even put together a photo album with pics of him and the boys and gave it to him in hopes he would see what he was giving up.

Anyway – got a little off topic there…back to where I was going…

My sister said having kids with different last names is no big deal – both her kids have different dads. I said…yes, but they grew up that way from birth (they are 2 years apart). I understand mine will be that way from birth too, but here I am adding someone and my oldest will be 15 years old in September!!

My concerns are also what others will think about me and I know I shouldn’t give a **** what people think!! I don’t want people talking about the person who divorced and is now pregnant. Questions about who is she pregnant by, or gossip about the unwed mother…I’ve been there done that with DS1 – we married when he was a year and a half.

Please tell me I am being ridiculous!! I am trying to hide this baby from work until it’s almost time to have him!

My SO is fantastic with my boys and I know he’ll be a great father!

These thoughts consume me sometimes and I hate it!
I just wish these feelings would go away!!!

He keeps telling me not to care what others think --- I don’t, but I do.

A private forum would be nice right about now!! I'm sorry for my rambling, I feel I really need someone to talk to. I know I'm being ridiculous. I've been so unhappy at times thinking about all these things. Sometimes I find myself pushing my SO away because I can't get things out of my head.

On a side note – DS2 keeps staring at my belly and smiling!! That makes me happy!
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  #2  
February 19th, 2013, 09:45 AM
soccermamatomany's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am doing the same things as you. My ex and I divorced in 2010, and in 2011 I remarried. I actually had a harder time with ME having a different last name from my kids, than having a baby that will.

I really don't care what other people think of me, that I am remarried and that my DH and I are having a baby together. All that matters is that WE are happy as a family. Don't get me wrong, my oldest DD is NOT happy that I am having a baby, but honestly, even that doesn't get to me. I am OVER trying to make anyone happy but ME and this baby makes me happy.
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  #3  
February 19th, 2013, 09:47 AM
Hesperleigh's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It sounds to me like you did the right thing by leaving your ex. We'd all love our relationships to work out, but it isn't worth being unhappy (or abused) for the rest of your life. Anyone who may look down on you for being divorced and pregnant with another man's child, needs to take a long look in the mirror. You deserve happiness and so do your children.

The last name thing is really no issue at all. I think it is so common these days. As is divorce, that most people wouldn't even bat an eye at it! Stop worrying and start being happy for all the blessings you have... I mean that in a cheerful way, not a patronizing way. Tone is so hard in writing! LOL

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  #4  
February 19th, 2013, 09:50 AM
sandmama's Avatar Veteran
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That is so tough. My oldest, 17, is from my high school sweetheart. A few years ago he made a comment when talking to someone about his "half" sister (DD-12). It stung for a minute because in my mind they are flat out brother and sister since they grew up together. I had to sit and come to terms that DH is not his dad, as much as I wanted DS to feel that way (married when he was 3).

I figured it is what it is. They are all my children. I have raised them all. They play together, laugh together and love one another which is all I ever wanted for them.

My heart goes out to you for such a traumatic marriage you had, but you sound like such a strong woman. Know that you are adding a special spirit to your family. Each LO, full siblings or not, adds a different dynamic to your family that will help everyone to grow. Remember that families come in all shapes and sizes. What matters is the bond that everyone shares.(((HUGS)))
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  #5  
February 19th, 2013, 09:57 AM
onemoremakesfour's Avatar ThreeBoys
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soccermamatomany View Post
I am doing the same things as you. My ex and I divorced in 2010, and in 2011 I remarried. I actually had a harder time with ME having a different last name from my kids, than having a baby that will.

I really don't care what other people think of me, that I am remarried and that my DH and I are having a baby together. All that matters is that WE are happy as a family. Don't get me wrong, my oldest DD is NOT happy that I am having a baby, but honestly, even that doesn't get to me. I am OVER trying to make anyone happy but ME and this baby makes me happy.
Thank you! I know I shouldn't care what others think. I am sooooo much happier than I was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hesperleigh View Post
It sounds to me like you did the right thing by leaving your ex. We'd all love our relationships to work out, but it isn't worth being unhappy (or abused) for the rest of your life. Anyone who may look down on you for being divorced and pregnant with another man's child, needs to take a long look in the mirror. You deserve happiness and so do your children.

The last name thing is really no issue at all. I think it is so common these days. As is divorce, that most people wouldn't even bat an eye at it! Stop worrying and start being happy for all the blessings you have... I mean that in a cheerful way, not a patronizing way. Tone is so hard in writing! LOL

Thank you! My children do seem so much happier now.

I need to get over the whole name thing I know
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  #6  
February 19th, 2013, 10:05 AM
onemoremakesfour's Avatar ThreeBoys
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandmama View Post
That is so tough. My oldest, 17, is from my high school sweetheart. A few years ago he made a comment when talking to someone about his "half" sister (DD-12). It stung for a minute because in my mind they are flat out brother and sister since they grew up together. I had to sit and come to terms that DH is not his dad, as much as I wanted DS to feel that way (married when he was 3).

I figured it is what it is. They are all my children. I have raised them all. They play together, laugh together and love one another which is all I ever wanted for them.

My heart goes out to you for such a traumatic marriage you had, but you sound like such a strong woman. Know that you are adding a special spirit to your family. Each LO, full siblings or not, adds a different dynamic to your family that will help everyone to grow. Remember that families come in all shapes and sizes. What matters is the bond that everyone shares.(((HUGS)))
Thank you!! I will say my biggest fear is that his brothers will not see him as a brother. I don't want them say my half-brother, but I can't stop it if it happens. My SO is so excited (this is his first) and I hate that I feel I am taking away from his happiness by being so emotional about this.
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  #7  
February 19th, 2013, 10:09 AM
Dandelion's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry you had to deal with your ex being such a jerk. Sounds like you did the right thing by getting away.

My daughter has a different last name than the rest of us now. She is my oldest child. Her dad and I were together for 4 years but just didn't work out. We were never married (thank goodness lol) and never wanted to be. When I got with my now husband, he immediately stepped in as her father figure and has been her daddy ever since. (She still sees her bio dad every other weekend)

For a while, we were a 3 last name household. Hers, my maiden name, and dh/ds last name. It was never really an issue for us.

The only issue I've reached now that I'm married is that dd feels like the odd one out. She has said things like, why can't you have my last name? It hurt my heart that she has to feel that way for even a spilt second. I had a long chat with her and explained everything. Let her know her name is special etc. She seems to be ok about it now. I think it was a jealousy thing. She was jealous because she wanted me on her team so to speak.

I hope you will find that it's not something people will shame you for.
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  #8  
February 19th, 2013, 10:34 AM
yvee80's Avatar SmileyMom
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I can definitely relate my oldest daughter has her bio dad's last name we were together for awhile but he passed right before she turned 2. It has basically been myself and her when I met my husband they clicked but of course all of his kids have his last name and I should as well but I have yet to change my name because I do not want her to feel left out (and I have always loved my name lol) and she doesn't have the option to see her Bio dad. She is a very emotional being and still deals with missing her Dad, she loves her SD but it is hard. I feel like everything will work out and DO NOT give a darn about what others think honey they are going to talk regardless do to allow them to have the power to allow you to feel bad about ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! You sound very happy don't let them take it from you if your boys are happy for mommy, baby, and your SO that is all that matters be happy life is too short
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  #9  
February 19th, 2013, 10:38 AM
SmilesAreContagious's Avatar Rheanna Mommy-2-b
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Im so sorry <3 I know how you feel with the last name thing. My SO and I are having problems, and as stupid as it may seem I am grateful to be pregnant right now regardless of if we work out or not because my son will have a full blood sibling with the same last name.

Pregnancy brings a whole new level to hormones and over thinking things. I for one have been doing that for days...I hope that you can relax and Im sure things will just be normal once the baby comes.
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  #10  
February 19th, 2013, 10:49 AM
Kayla_7602's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sounds like you made all the changes that you needed for you and what was best for your boys! I think kids having different last names isnt that big of a deal, same with divorce. Not to mention if anyone does judge you...that is their problem they need to work on not yours! I have a different last name then my siblings...I have never thought of them as my half brother/sisters...but sometimes when I was talking to new friends who would ask question about our last names the term half was used...but it never felt that way to me...in my heart they have always just been my brother/sisters! Try to be happy, and remember that important things, your family with have another person to love, and everyone of you are feeling happier and loved....so you are doing a great job!!!
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  #11  
February 19th, 2013, 10:52 AM
Momma2Chase's Avatar August 2013 DDC Co-Host
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I can understand too- my son has a different last name than everyone in the house (me, my husband, his 2 children, and then this baby)... I wish I could change his last name, but as of right now his father is actually paying support and changed his mind about terminating his rights (which is the only way I could get the name changed). Chase is only 3 and he's known my husband as his Daddy since he was a year old, so I'm hoping as he gets older we can find a way to explain that having a different last name doesn't make you any less part of a family. As a matter of fact, he is MORE part of OUR family than he is of his bio-fathers (all live in another state, no one bothers with DS at all. No phone calls, visits, nadda)

hang in there!! *hugs*

(by the way, you meet the requirements for the private forum- I invited you )
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  #12  
February 19th, 2013, 11:29 AM
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  #13  
February 19th, 2013, 12:12 PM
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Well, my mom had two kids by two different marriages. Her oldest had her father's last name and he wanted nothing to do with her. Didn't even pay child support, and I had my dad's last name.

Didn't change how we felt about one another. My dad had a total of 9 kids from 3 marriages. 7 from his first , 1 from his second, and then me with my mom. While we all shared the same last name, that was the extent of us.

All of my kids have different dads. DS and DD have the same last name as it was my maiden and this baby will have DH's and my last names hyphenated.
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  #14  
February 19th, 2013, 12:23 PM
Dandelion's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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After reading the replies I realized that I dealt with this as a child lol I just never was affected by it. My mom was a teen when I was conceived. Her and my dad "did the right thing" and got married. So obviously it wasn't the right thing to do because they got divorced lol anyways mom got remarried and had 3 more children with different last names. I never thought of them as half siblings or felt left out. <3
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  #15  
February 19th, 2013, 02:34 PM
onemoremakesfour's Avatar ThreeBoys
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Posts: 416
Thank you everyone!! I hate when these thoughts go through my mind! I try not to care!!

Thank you for including me on the private forum - I didn't know it was out there
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  #16  
February 19th, 2013, 03:45 PM
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I think the biggest thing when you are adding to a family, whether it is being blended or one cohesive unit, there will always be justifiable concerns. You never want one child to feel left out or less loved, etc. But as long as you do everything that you can to avoid any of those negative feelings, then you are doing the best thing that you can do for your children.
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  #17  
February 19th, 2013, 04:05 PM
soccermamatomany's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma2Chase View Post
I can understand too- my son has a different last name than everyone in the house (me, my husband, his 2 children, and then this baby)... I wish I could change his last name, but as of right now his father is actually paying support and changed his mind about terminating his rights (which is the only way I could get the name changed). Chase is only 3 and he's known my husband as his Daddy since he was a year old, so I'm hoping as he gets older we can find a way to explain that having a different last name doesn't make you any less part of a family. As a matter of fact, he is MORE part of OUR family than he is of his bio-fathers (all live in another state, no one bothers with DS at all. No phone calls, visits, nadda)

hang in there!! *hugs*

(by the way, you meet the requirements for the private forum- I invited you )
Do I meet the requirements for the private forum? I'd love to join.
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DD: 18yo
Twin DDs: 14 yo
DS: 9yo
Step DD: 15yo
Step DD: 11yo
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  #18  
February 19th, 2013, 04:25 PM
BeachMum's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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{HUGS} I have a half sister and half brother (they were born when I was 17 and 18) and obviously we have different last names, and I'm not affected by it. I love them just the same. And I'm pretty sure they feel the sameway.
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