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SIL Just Had Miscarriage...What to Do?

Forum: August 2013 Playroom


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  • 5 Post By soccermamatomany
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July 16th, 2013, 02:03 PM
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 169
My SIL is almost 4 months pregnant and I just heard that she had a miscarriage. I'm struggling on what to do for her to let her know that we care and are thinking of her and my brother. They live far away. My mom is also having knee replacement surgery tomorrow and will be unable to do anything for them (she lives far from them too) and asked me to send something their way to let them know we care (in addition to the card she put in the mail today).

For those of you that have been there before, what did you find comforting after it happened? Were flowers good, or too cliche? We're not a "mushy" family, so do you have any ideas of gifts to send that would signal that we're really sorry and thinking of them, but not come across as insincere? Any suggestions would be great.

Thank you so much!
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July 16th, 2013, 02:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,574
Having been there twice I think flowers would be ok. Also maybe a supportive email just letting them know you care and if you could help more you would?

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family members as they grieve your loss.

Proud mama to
Cameron Alexander ---- January 11, 2000
Cassidy Skye ---- May 5, 2005
Callen Jase ---- August 23, 2013

~Angel Mama~ to

Caleb Jan 21, 1999
Carys April 29, 2011

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July 16th, 2013, 02:09 PM
soccermamatomany's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 1,167
How about a plant that they can transfer to the ground to remember baby by?
Mama to many:
DD: 18yo
Twin DDs: 14 yo
DS: 9yo
Step DD: 15yo
Step DD: 11yo
Rayna-August 18, 2013!
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July 16th, 2013, 02:15 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 594
I agree with cameronzmom. Flowers are just about right, along with a nice, sincere note. Don't try to say anything to "fix" it. Just let them know you love them and are thinking about them.
After my miscarriage, most people were perfect. They let us know they were thinking of us and offered to bring meals, etc.
But one person told me that sometimes it's for the best that the baby is lost, implying that maybe we weren't ready for this baby or financially able to care for it (we had tried for that baby for over a year and my husband makes very good money; we wanted that baby desperately).
That's what I mean by don't try to fix it. There isn't anything you can say to take away their pain.
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July 16th, 2013, 02:19 PM
mom2K&G's Avatar Certified Dog Trainer
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Fort Bragg, NC
Posts: 1,691
Originally Posted by soccermamatomany View Post
How about a plant that they can transfer to the ground to remember baby by?
What a beautiful idea!!

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July 16th, 2013, 02:27 PM
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 169
I love the plant idea but unfortunately they live smack in the concrete jungle of NYC, so a plant probably won't work. What do you ladies think of a gift certificate to a spa in addition to flowers?
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July 16th, 2013, 02:34 PM
Honestlymonique's Avatar mommy of three
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Mobile, AL
Posts: 1,100
I think a hand written letter no card, and a plant. One they can keep in the house.
soaringphoenix and mom2K&G like this.

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July 16th, 2013, 02:45 PM
ElliotsMommy13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2,668
That is such a hard one. I never know how to deal with uncomfortable situations. I would send flowers and if you can afford a spa gift card, that would be a nice gesture if you wanted to do it with a nice condolence card or letter. Im sure just hearing from you about to give birth will make her emotional but she will be glad to have had your support in the long run.

thank you so much to bokkechick for my siggy!
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July 16th, 2013, 02:56 PM
Jenilope's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Western Chicago Suburbs
Posts: 13,595
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I think it depends on what they are like and whether or not THEY told you. I've only had one miscarriage, but when it happened, my MIL told EVERYONE and we got cards from people we barely speak to. I felt like she had really overstepped and my privacy was being invaded. It was certainly a nice gesture of people to send the sympathy cards but I was not talking about it, had barely told anyone (except our parents and siblings) and did not want to talk about it.

I say go with your gut. Condolences are appropriate, the plant idea is lovely, but it also might be something that makes her think about her loss every time she sees it, so just gauge how you think she might respond. Or even call and see if there's anything she needs, if she's having a tough time (physically or mentally) maybe a gift certificate for a local take out place the like would help since you can't be there.

Mom to four beautiful girls

Matilda (6), Evelyn (4), Adelaide (2), Cecily (11 months)

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July 16th, 2013, 03:24 PM
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 70
Hi there,

I don't post much anymore, but I saw your post and wanted to share something that I did for a friend of mine that she said meant a lot.

I made a donation to give a blanket and some prenatal care to a baby in a developing country on behalf of Baby --- and the family. In Canada the organization is Plan Canada, but I'm sure there's a similar organization in your country where you can give a 'gift of hope.'

When I lost one of my twins we did something like that for our baby, and it just meant a lot that another baby would have a better chance, giving more meaning to the existence of the baby we lived and lost.
Julia, mommy to Maya (14/05/2010)

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July 16th, 2013, 03:37 PM
mirdeemrlvs's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,464
when I had a m/c my mom and sister sent a card and flowers and it really helped for me to know someone cared. I think a card and a gift card for a restaurant is appropriate too. Anything to show you care.
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

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July 16th, 2013, 03:40 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 662
That's so tough. I have lost 3 and I can think of anything that would have made me not cry. Flowers might be the best. But I agree that she should be the one to tell you unless she has asked someone else to for her. Pregnant people and babies were so hard for me to be around through that time.
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July 16th, 2013, 03:51 PM
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 169
My brother is the one who told me. I asked him if he thought sending an email or a card to my SIL would be too hard for her, and he said no, that he thought she'd appreciate it. I think I'll send flowers from my mom, and maybe look aelf's idea of a donation for prenatal care to a developing country from my DH and I.

Thank you all so much for all your ideas. I really appreciate all your help.
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July 16th, 2013, 03:51 PM
Anchored's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 5,693
I think it's great that your family is even thinking of sending them something to let them know you care- when I had mine, I didn't get flowers or a card or anything.

I'm not really good with thinking of stuff like this... but I think maybe a card and some flowers. Or maybe a gift card to a favorite restaurant so they can go out for a few hours and distract themselves?

*Thank you to
*Kiliki* for my beautiful signature!*

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July 16th, 2013, 06:40 PM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 376
I lost two babies last year and had several thoughtful gifts. I love flowers and think that it's always a great choice. I also had a group of friends who went in and got my husband and I a gift card to a good restaurant and a spa gift card for me. Both were great because it gave us/me a reason to get some alone time or time as a couple. Unless you and she are very close, I think a kind guesture with less words is better - you are showing that you care, but not trying to solve the problem. It may be hard for her to hear from you too much directly. I had several dear friends who were pregnant when I miscarried and while they did absolutely nothing wrong, it was still hard to see them pregnant.
Bookreader likes this.
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July 16th, 2013, 08:05 PM
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 97
My friend recently had a miscarriage and her step mom got here a chain necklace with the baby's would have been birthstone pendant. She wears it everyday. You don't have to get a really fancy or pricey one.
Dirtroads likes this.
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July 16th, 2013, 09:13 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 841
When we had our first loss at 15 weeks (we knew he was a boy and we named him) one of my best friends gave a donation in his name to march of dimes- its the only official thing I have with his name on it and it means A LOT to me, I have it framed with his tiny foot prints. My mOm gave me a beautiful card and a willow tree angel, and my husband got me a ring with his birthstone in it. It really does depend on your sis on how she is coping as everyone does different, but knowing that you care, whether she wants to talk about it or not is super helpful... Oh and don't ask are you ok or how are you feeling- seems to be the only thing people say and she's not doing ok or feeling ok... So it's better not to ask :0)

Last edited by sharilyn; July 16th, 2013 at 09:18 PM.
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