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Its hard to believe my little guy is here! His birth was definitely nothing I could have imagined, and am still a bit heart broken over the way it went, but I look at him and all I care about it is that he is healthy and here.
Friday I went into my appointment miserable, my doctor decided to do a membrane sweep and told me if by my next appointment I had no signs of him coming, we'd talk about inducing me.
All weekend I had stronger contractions, but they wouldn't get any closer than 10 minutes apart. I had more cramping and back aches, but nothing significant. I was sure I would have to wait until my appointment thursday and would have to be induced. I had suspected my body wouldnt progress on its own very early in my pregnancy, as I know my cervix does not dilate well on its own from past D&C's and over all my body is just strange, it doesnt react to things as most peoples would. I had a gut feeling from the beginning I would end up needing a c-section, and hoped and prayed the entire pregnancy my body would surprise me and I could have a normal vaginal delivery.
Monday morning, January 7th - my due date, I had a surge of contractions, they were about 8 minutes apart and fairly strong. I was hopeful. I told Josh, "We may just have a baby today if this keeps up." .... Of course, they didn't. I felt defeated. I moped around all day.
Josh is a big Elvis Fan and had long said "he should come on Elvis' birthday... So when I woke up January 8th (Elvis' birthday) with my bloody show, I wondered if he was prophetic. I had had some good contractions overnight, but I have had those for weeks, so I wasnt too hopeful. But at 6 am, I started leaking a little every time I walked. I had had crazy discharge changes in the past few weeks and thought nothing of it, as it wasnt much and was pink. I figured I may be losing the last of my plug with my show.
At around 8am I felt a little change in my contractions, nothing major, but they just felt "different". I decided to take a bath and while in the bath tub, the contractions stopped all together. Again, I felt defeated and sad. But then I noticed red blood and got a little worried, so I called my mom, who runs the front desk at my clinic, and told her what was going on. She transferred me to a nurse to see if they wanted to do the ruptured membrane swab in clinic or if I should just go into the hospital. They decided to just send me to the hospital, so I called my sister and Josh and I grabbed our bags.
Once at the hospital, they did the swab and I talked to the nurse while we waited for it to process and found out she was an infertility mom who spontaneously got pregnant like I did, so we had lots to chat about. She peeked at the swab and said, "well I have to wait the full amount of time to make it official, but I definitely see a second line, your water broke, you're here until you have a baby my dear." I was in disbelief, I NEVER thought that moment would come, lol.
We got into our room and got comfortable. The Dr came in and suggested we start pitocin because they believe I ruptured at 6 am and it was now noon and I was still only 2 cm dilated. (Having been since friday) They wanted to get things moving, to improve my chances of progressing and having a vaginal birth. I agreed, and we got the pitocin going. I got up for a while and rocked in the chair, and walked a bit in the room, but I was pretty uncomfortable. Around 5pm I finally gave in and had some IV meds. They turned my pitocin up to 6 and I had piggy backing contractions. I gave in and asked for the epidural. I was surprised at how quickly the Dr showed up and how little the epidural hurt. I had myself psyched up for this icky epidural and it felt like a tiny bee sting. I was pretty surprised.
After about a half hour I was comfortable enough to fall asleep, and get a little nap in. I woke up later as if the epidural had suddenly been shut off, I was in horrible pain and couldnt stand it. The new anesthesiologist was on and he was there quickly to adjust my dose and make sure the epi cath was still in. He gave me a bolus (a direct shot of an hours worth of epi) bump to try and get the relief going sooner. It did take the edge off... after about an hour I felt ok enough to drift off again, I woke up when my night nurse came on and I was thrilled to see Margaret, a no nonsense nurse I had met a few times when I was in the ER. She got me comfortable and was disappointed when she checked me and I was only at 5, I had hoped I'd be almost ready to push seeing as it was almost midnight.
The baby started having decels and I was quickly moved onto my right side and the pitocin was turned off. I had to have a high concentration of oxygen, and was starting to freak out. Josh was great, he kept telling me how great I was doing, and was trying to lift my spirits as much as he could. Luckily the decels stopped and we slowly restarted the pitocin.
Around 2:15am January 9th, I once again felt like my epidural had suddenly stopped working. The pain hit me like a mac truck. I was in sudden crippling pain, it actually took my breath away. The anesthesiologist appeared and checked the catheter again and quickly maxed out my dose of epi. He gave 3 bolus bumps and while injecting the third my entire body tensed up and I couldnt breathe. The anesthesiologist started to look extremely worried which kinda freaked me out, as if I wasnt already freaking out from the sudden extreme pain. Margaret was instantly there with warm packs, trying to unfreeze my muscles and help relieve any pain she could. I was grunting and moaning so loudly, I kept apologizing to her. Finally she grabbed my monitor and tilted it towards me. She said "Look at this... you are pretty much constantly in a hard contraction with insane spiking, if I were in your place I'd be screaming my arse off, you make all the noise you have to." (Did I mention how much I love Margaret? ) The anesthesiologist asked if I had any spinal injuries or issues, I said no. He pinched my leg and I picked it up and moved it away. He said " You should NOT be able to do that. I send people in for c-sections with half the drugs I've given you. Your body is just rejecting the epidural."
I didnt know what to do, I knew I couldnt handle this pain, certainly not anywhere long enough to dilate another 5 centimeters.. Suddenly all 3 doctors on my care team appeared. The head doctor said "I heard you told Dr Tracey you wanted a c-section (Ummmm no I didn't..) you do realize you'll need to be put under general anesthesia and you'll miss the birth of your baby right?" I wanted to cry. I hadnt asked for a c-section, but knew I was going to need one, and my doctor just made me feel like total crap. I just looked at her and said "I cannot handle this pain, you have to do whatever you need to, but you can't let me suffer like this." They left the room and I started bawling. Josh tried o hard to be supportive, he was trying to calm me down, but he looked scared too.
After a few minutes I saw Margaret look at the clock. She muttered "It doesnt take this long, those bastards cant leave her like this." and walked out of the room (I LOVE Margaret )
Within a few minutes the anesthesiologist was back and he said "They're getting the O.R ready." I was relieved because I knew my pain would soon be over, but sad because I knew I was going to miss my son's entrance into the world and Josh would too. I was honestly in so much pain at that point I could barely stand it. I was shaking and crying and ready to be out of pain.
Before I knew it I was going down the hall and was in a very bright room, the scooted me next to the table and they said, "Ok scootch over.." I was like, SERIOUSLY??? I was in SOOO much pain, I grabbed the table and started dragging myself onto it. "Keep going.. little further.. little more..." Finally I snapped on the talking nurse. "I'm in EXCRUCIATING PAIN! Give me a second!!" She was suddenly helpful and started helping me over. The anesthesiologist looked like he was ready to cry, he felt so bad that he couldnt help my pain, he was so anxious to get me put under.
Nurses were suddenly there, shaving me and strapping my arms down. I had a huge oxyden mask on and I was starting to panic, I looked at the anesthesiologist and he was like "Im putting her under" the Doctor was like, "we have time, start antibiotics.." but the poor anesthesiologist was like " No I am putting her UNDER!" and thats the last thing I remember.
Zane Benjamin was born at 3:35am January 9th.
His initial apgar score was 1 (I freaked when they told me that) but the Dr said he instantly perked up and the next 2 scores were 8 and 9. I asked if he was with Josh, and they said yes, they had been able to get him to Josh within 10 minutes of his birth.
I dont handle anesthesia well, so I was in and out of it for an hour. Everytime I came to I would find the nurse and ask if Josh was with the baby. At one point i said, "I know I have asked you like 13 times, but is the baby with Josh? She laughed and said, yes.
Josh came down to escort me upstairs and told me how beautiful he was and how tiny, and showed me pictures and video he had taken. We were brought up to our new room and they brought Zane in. The nurse kept talking and I was just like OMG, please hand me my baby, just give me my baby, lol.
FINALLY she gave me my son and I was in heaven... Josh captured the moment for me
Our first family shot
I am still broken hearted that I wasnt able to be awake for the birth of my son, I dont know if I'll ever fully get over missing that moment. Everyone has said, it doesnt matter, you have him and thats enough. I know its true, but a little part of me will always ache for that moment I missed.
For those who dont know, Zane's middle name comes from my brother in law Ben, who we lost in a car accident 2 months ago today. We had kept our name choices a secret ( We were torn between Zane and Tate) and my sister was the first to visit. I asked my nephew if he wanted to know the baby's name, he said "Yes!" And I said "His name is Zane.... Zane Benjamin." And my sister just looked at Zane and cried softly. My nephew walked over and said "Hi Zane, your middle name is like my daddy's."
Josh snapped this picture
So that was the craziness surrounding Zane's birth.. I am so incredibly happy he's finally here and cant believe I'm finally a mom.
Last edited by colette20; January 17th, 2013 at 03:58 PM.
That last photo is hauntingly beautiful. Seriously near tears
You are such a strong woman I cannot believe what you went through. Wow. Just wow. I also love Margaret too after all of that lol Have someone on your side and an awesome nurse is excellent
I'm sorry your experience went like that but I'm so glad you ended up with a happy healthy beautiful baby. I know not being awake for the birth must have been hard, but honestly I'm glad you didn't have to go through that pain anymore and I was awake during my C-Section and barely remember it. It was such a blur and I think from the adrenaline and panic and meds I was almost in a brown out state.
Glad you are doing well and have that beautiful baby boy to show for it
I have to wholeheartedly agree. Your story was moving enough, and I also agree, you are super woman. Kudos to you for going through all that and coming out with a smile. At the end of it all, I'm so happy to know that your little Zane is here, and healthy.
Bless your heart. I'm sorry your birth experience was like that. Don't let people downplay your feelings towards your birth. They are yours and very valid! Of course you a Happy to have your son, but that doesn't take away the trauma you experienced. You have to grieve the loss of the experience you wanted. Big hugs! He he is adorable.
Bri, wife to Kirk, & mother of Aidan Troy , Callen Rhys, and introducingJulia Pearl