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For all of you stepmommies and/or mommies having issues with ex wives...read this!


Forum: September 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By Dolly Lama
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  #1  
March 7th, 2013, 10:44 AM
AmbzAsh's Avatar Little Miss Sunshine
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Virginia
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SecondWivesCafe.com: "The Ups and Downs of Becoming an 'Insta-Parent'"
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  #2  
March 7th, 2013, 12:42 PM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Baltimore, MD
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Great article!

And this is exactly how I have had to deal with the situation - detachment. It's not by choice because I am more than willing to be as involved as everyone is comfortable with, but in the end there are too many obstacles and it's just not worth it.

Because of recent events and me just not wanting to be aggravated while pregnant, I've felt the need to back off even more. I don't even want to hear about anything related to the ex or my step daughter right now - it's just going to raise my blood pressure. Just to explain - he'll tell me something stupid, then when I say something about it (even in a really nice way), he'll get pissed at me which will lead to an argument.

If something gives (DH becoming better with boundary-setting or me being in a position to handle more stress), I may consider becoming more involved. Until then, I will just remain in survival mode, taking it one day at a time.
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  #3  
March 7th, 2013, 12:47 PM
AmbzAsh's Avatar Little Miss Sunshine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dolly Lama View Post
Just to explain - he'll tell me something stupid, then when I say something about it (even in a really nice way), he'll get pissed at me which will lead to an argument.
Same here! My bf KNOWS how I feel about the whole situation and he KNOWS I'm going to say something....so why bother telling me some new BS that she has come up with or that she is doing?
He gets angry at me regardless.


This article has become my strength for the day. I really do need to learn the whole thing of detaching a little bit. Because their mother is a piece of ****, I immediately took on the role of "very involved step-mommy figure" in their lives. I go to practices, games, school plays, field trips, play video games, etc etc etc.....and she does none of the above. I need to learn to just disconnect myself from it all and ask my bf to please stop telling me or complaining to me about her. Because my opinions are unwanted and I do not need the stress right now.
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  #4  
March 7th, 2013, 01:02 PM
ValyntineG's Avatar Based on a True Story
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas and stuff
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I think detachment was the hardest part for me... and honestly, I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore.

When the kid's mom was involved, I used to get so angry that they would make decisions without me... yet, I was expected to do the vast majority of the "real" parenting. I was the one cleaning up accidents, doing homework, fighting fevers, etc. but then when it came time to make a decision about anything, I wasn't consulted.

I wasn't allowed to get upset with them... but I was certainly expected to love them and treat them exactly the same as my biological son. And that was hard.

I hate to say this, because it's not really fair to the kids... but now that mom is NOT involved, things run so much more smoothly around here. Rarely do DH and I argue about his children. Because I've taken over in their mother's role completely. Now, she's the one asking ME what their schedule is and if it's ok for them to do X, Y or Z. Which is odd... but it's easier for me that way. Probably not easier for the kids and I wish the woman would get her crap together for their sake... but in the meantime, I can't say that it's not MUCH easier to be a step-parent now that I've fully taken over as their PARENT.
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  #5  
March 7th, 2013, 01:03 PM
ValyntineG's Avatar Based on a True Story
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I think detachment was the hardest part for me... and honestly, I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore.

When the kid's mom was involved, I used to get so angry that they would make decisions without me... yet, I was expected to do the vast majority of the "real" parenting. I was the one cleaning up accidents, doing homework, fighting fevers, etc. but then when it came time to make a decision about anything, I wasn't consulted.

I wasn't allowed to get upset with them... but I was certainly expected to love them and treat them exactly the same as my biological son. And that was hard.

I hate to say this, because it's not really fair to the kids... but now that mom is NOT involved, things run so much more smoothly around here. Rarely do DH and I argue about his children. Because I've taken over in their mother's role completely. Now, she's the one asking ME what their schedule is and if it's ok for them to do X, Y or Z. Which is odd... but it's easier for me that way. Probably not easier for the kids and I wish the woman would get her crap together for their sake... but in the meantime, I can't say that it's not MUCH easier to be a step-parent now that I've fully taken over as their PARENT.
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  #6  
March 7th, 2013, 01:33 PM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Brie, I can totally understand how it would be SO much easier with the bio mom out of the picture. Truthfully in our case, this mother needs to step back too and get herself some help because she has major mental problems which interfere with her ability to care for her children. I would be more than happy to have my step-daughter live with us while she sorts her life out, but no, she can't control my husband that way, so it's not going to happen.

Quote:
Same here! My bf KNOWS how I feel about the whole situation and he KNOWS I'm going to say something....so why bother telling me some new BS that she has come up with or that she is doing?
He gets angry at me regardless.
Exactly! Why tell me this crap if you know I'm going to react to it? Why tell me this crap if you don't want my opinion? I think he really wants me to validate and leave it alone, but I can't - I'm too emotionally involved for that.

Quote:
I need to learn to just disconnect myself from it all and ask my bf to please stop telling me or complaining to me about her. Because my opinions are unwanted and I do not need the stress right now.
If you can find a way to do this, you will have a lot more peace in your life. I'm not going to say there still won't be bad days, but this way they'll be fewer of them.
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  #7  
March 8th, 2013, 10:16 AM
CARLACB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Virginia Beach, VA
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I am so glad that their mom basically pops in and out, not for any selfish reasons of my own but because a week before they went and almost a month after they got back, they were "different" Her and her family messed those children up so bad emotionally, it put a huge set back on everything I taught them. I am their primary caregiver since my fiance works a ton because he doesn't receive child support. They would wake up screaming, "Leave me alone E (her boyfriends name), I don't wanna go back, Help, etc". Baby Girl was showing signs of being "touched" and since the mom lived out of state, no agency would do anything about it. I had to deal with being called racist names b/c that's what their mom called minorities when she was mad (even though the kids are mixed). She STILL has visitation and doesn't use it, the kids don't ask about her and I don't care. I was a single mom and NOTHING could take my away from my kids...NO ONE.

I would have to be dead and then they would have to kill my ghost to get rid of me. I'll be da**ed, if she messes them up again after all the work we have done with them. The nightmares have stopped about 80%, they are getting A LOT better and being raised as children and not 15-16 year olds. The judge still won't take custody away and keeps giving her chances. She sent us a text the other day and she fled to Florida with her boyfriend and her 2 other children. She hasn't seen them in a year and had us come pick them up because she was being evicted for the 3rd time in a YEAR. I may be wrong b/c she is their bio mom but I will fight to the death for them not to go back to her (same as my fiance). I can't STAND dead beat dads but nothing pisses me off more than a dead beat mother NOTHING.

She ran off while they were married and took the kids away with some man she met online, got pregnant twice while my F and her were still married. A MESS. I used to purposely try not to get attached because I would cry when they left because I knew what they were going back to. But now since they are in my care, more than my fiance; I treat them exactly like my child because they have no mother figure at all and grew up without having that motherly love. Ugh I want to cry now just thinking about everything they have been through in there short time on this earth.
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  #8  
March 8th, 2013, 11:15 AM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It's not easy to step into this role on a good day, but to take on abused and neglected children is caregiving on a whole new level. I commend you for what you are doing for these kids.

I'll speak for one moment as someone who grew up with a crazy, abusive mother. You are doing the absolute best thing you could be doing in a situation like this; you are giving the kids a chance to be kids. You're teaching them what they need to know to grow into productive, happy adults... I can't tell you how many nights I prayed for somebody like you to come along and take me away from my mother. In my case it never happened, and I've paid for it by having to spend years in therapy just to learn to be *normal*, and I'm still dealing with a pretty severe case of PTSD.

Unfortunately it takes more than carrying a child around for 9 months then popping them out to be a mother. Their "mother" is nothing more than an abusive, neglectful egg donor who doesn't even deserve the title, so please don't feel badly about fighting to keep these kids. The love and stability that you are providing them are going to heal them in ways that you can't even imagine - they will grow up and thank you for it.
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  #9  
March 8th, 2013, 11:31 AM
ValyntineG's Avatar Based on a True Story
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CARLACB View Post
I am so glad that their mom basically pops in and out, not for any selfish reasons of my own but because a week before they went and almost a month after they got back, they were "different" Her and her family messed those children up so bad emotionally, it put a huge set back on everything I taught them. I am their primary caregiver since my fiance works a ton because he doesn't receive child support. They would wake up screaming, "Leave me alone E (her boyfriends name), I don't wanna go back, Help, etc". Baby Girl was showing signs of being "touched" and since the mom lived out of state, no agency would do anything about it. I had to deal with being called racist names b/c that's what their mom called minorities when she was mad (even though the kids are mixed). She STILL has visitation and doesn't use it, the kids don't ask about her and I don't care. I was a single mom and NOTHING could take my away from my kids...NO ONE.
This is some of the same kind of thing we have dealt with as well. I don't know WHAT went on with the kid's mom and her boyfriend... but my step kids have had some disturbing behavior. My step daughter is finally getting better, but for so long she was withdrawn, insecure and scared all the time. She had constant bladder infections that went untreated at her mother's. There have been a lot of signs that she was abused in many ways. She has permanent marks on her backside where her mother's boyfriend whipped her with a belt (she was only 3 YEARS OLD) My step son was abused as well... though his behavior continues to be a huge challenge.

They do SEE their mother. But not alone. She is allowed to bring them to her parent's house or her brother's house and not allowed to drive them. We trust her family completely and they communicate with us about everything.

What makes me insane is that their mom sees none of this as a big deal. We had a HUGE issue with Camren at school... I can't say what it was, but it was so bad we worried he would be expelled... and her comment was "Well, he didn't learn that at my house!"

Really? He didn't learn it at your house when you were on drugs all the time, slept until 3 in the afternoon, had tattoo clients in and out and let them watch whatever they wanted on TV? My bad. He must have learned it at MY house where he's with me 24/7 and not allowed to watch anything other than Disney cartoons. Whatever.

But other than that... there was no concern for the behavior. His dad and I literally cried over it and talked about how we could fix it for hours. We tried to think of anything we had done wrong. We had meetings with the school, with counselors, with my church, anyone we could think of. We asked advice from our parents. We did research online. All of it. But she acted like it wasn't her problem.

Which makes me want to shake her and remind her that SHE pushed this kid out of HER vagina and that had nothing to do with ME. I LOVE these kids, don't get me wrong. I think of them as mine and will never, ever let her have them back. But she could at LEAST show an appropriate amount of concern or affection for them considering she's their mother.
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  #10  
March 8th, 2013, 12:24 PM
MyFantasticFour's Avatar Mommy of 4
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The more my dad's wife detached from us, the more he did. I mean, it works for us because they are very negative people but it seems like such a difficult situation. I'm thrilled that my husband did not have children with his ex-wives because I don't know if I could handle it, especially with his last wife.
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