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Anyone else struggling with all the advice?


Forum: September 2013 Playroom

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  • 2 Post By Heidijens1
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  #1  
June 6th, 2013, 08:29 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 195
My partner's mother is a lovely lady, but she is extremely opinionated on everything me and him do. Our house isn't good enough (nothing is broken, it's 3 bedrooms and it heats up like a dream!) and we pay too much rent and all those other lovely things. She wants us to move closer to her but that means moving 30 minutes away and all of our friends and all of my family live in the same town as me... I could cope with all of those things however...

Until I showed her the list of things I planned on getting our baby. I got told that getting a bassinet is a waste, that the changing table I picked out was useless, that the sheets I wanted to buy were horrible, that I shouldn't waste my money on things like that and most of all that I shouldn't look at buying ANYTHING until she could come with me. Which REALLY pissed me off because until now the most I have bought is a handful of clothing items! And me and my partner were planning on going out to the baby store today and buy some of the bigger things while they are on sale...

Any hints on how to deal with unwanted advice when it comes to a baby? It's our first so we thought all the advice coming in would be great but when I break down crying the second she leaves it doesn't feel like it's worth it to be honest.
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  #2  
June 6th, 2013, 10:31 PM
Heidijens1's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 895
If she is going to be like that, then don't tell her what you are planning on getting. It's your baby not hers. She needs to understand that YOU will do what you feel is best for your baby and that she needs to back off. It may seem rude but if you don't lay down the "rules" now she is going to think she can walk all over you and tell you how to do everything when the baby comes. And no, She should NOT come with you when you pick things out for your baby, She has already had that chance with her baby's, you need to be able to pick out what you like.
As for the moving, un NO way! it sounds like she is trying to get you closer so she can be able to tell you what to do even more.
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  #3  
June 6th, 2013, 10:49 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 10,538
I agree with PP.

I've learned to just smile and nod, and then do what I want, anyway. What's useful to one person might not be at all useful to another and vice versa. You guys need to figure out what works for you on your own.
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  #4  
June 7th, 2013, 12:16 AM
bevyvuska's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yea, she sounds just a bit domineering. I would just stop discussing anything about the baby with her. If she wants to buy things, fine, doesn't mean you have to keep them, etc. This is YOUR baby not hers. Like it's your LIFE not hers. Does your partner still let her run his life a bit? Seems like she is still trying to be the main woman/caretaker in his life & that's gotta stop. Other than take a deep breath & ignore her as politely as you can, I am not sure how else to handle her without alienating her or your partner.
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  #5  
June 7th, 2013, 05:42 AM
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"I appreciate all your advice and will take it to heart. That said, this is our first baby and, unless healthy or safety are a concern, we'd prefer to make our own mistakes as we figure out what we're doing. We would love for you to be a loving, supportive grandmother to our baby, but please remember that we are the baby's parents." And then STOP. Don't argue, don't fight, just stop. Remember to smile.
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  #6  
June 7th, 2013, 08:09 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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It doesn't sound like it's "advice" that's necessarily bothering you - it's the fact that someone else is having a hard time keeping appropriate boundaries with her opinions about your entire life. I agree with bevyuska that she sounds like she thinks she is the main guiding force in your partner's life, which, frankly, can only get worse once you start adding grandbabies into the mix if you don't put your foot down on it ASAP and draw some clear boundaries.
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  #7  
June 7th, 2013, 09:52 AM
ValyntineG's Avatar Based on a True Story
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I think it's important to try and remember that (most of the time) baby advice is coming from a very well intentioned place. Grandmas get excited about baby too! And she probably just wants to impart knowledge, keep you from making mistakes she made and most of all, she just wants what she thinks is the best for your baby. None of this is a bad thing.

Unfortunately, some people (ESPECIALLY grandma) have a way of expressing those things that are annoying at best.... borderline offensive at worst. I get it. My mom can get really overbearing sometimes. But I just try and remember that she's not doing it because she doesn't think I'm capable of making decisions... she's just trying to steer me in what she thinks is the right direction because she loves this baby almost as much as I do.

The best advice I can give you is to just involve her where you want her... and don't trouble her when she's not needed. Ask her to come baby shopping with you and let her help you pick out some things. She probably will be very helpful. Then go by yourself or with the hubs another day and just don't tell her about it.

I personally wouldn't say anything about it... because it can cause a lot of hurt feelings and that's the last thing you want to do right now. But maybe that's just me. You're going to get a LOT of unwanted/unneeded advice over the next several (18... probably more) years, so pick your battles when it comes to telling people to shove off.
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  #8  
June 7th, 2013, 10:33 AM
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I wont even cmment on the moving part - that's just ridiculous. As for her wanted to pick out everything you want to buy...(1) Pic 1 or 2 big ticket and a couple of small ticket items...tell her your criteria and allow her to buy it for you. Make sure you pick items that you would be ok with her choice even if she blatantly disregards your criteria. The rest of the stuff you and your partner get to decide and she cant really blame you for not involving her. Hopefully this arrangement will satisfy her while not hurting her feelings and not taking away your right to pick out and buy stuff for your baby.
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  #9  
June 8th, 2013, 06:41 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Zealand
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Thanks for all the advice guys! Sorry I had a very busy few days with seeing friends and enjoying time with my partner over his birthday

I told him a bit of how I felt (without making it seem offensive, she IS the grandmother to our baby) and he got really pissed off with her. Apparently he has told his mother to be less controlling over things and to respect my decisions and she apparently agreed to tone things down a bit. So hoping that it stays that way!

I really do love her and she has always been really nice to me, but I think it just reflects on the way she was brought up versus my own mother (who will give her opinion but always says that I am the mother and it is my choice etc).

I've seen my partner be pushed around by her a little bit with him considering getting another job and then every time she sees us she asks if he's handed out his CV and keeps pushing him further and further when he is still comfortable. At the end of the day however she did raise the love of my life up until I met him (and there have been some improvements since ) and I guess it's just hard to say my point when I get retorted with "I've had 4 kids, I know what I'm talking about"

Hopefully this will sort itself out OH! And I did end up buying my bassinet and a capsule for baby! Made me feel so much better and like less of a failure!
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