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Greetings.. just wondering if any of you are or have been in the same boat as me. DH and I live in a different state than our family members. Most likely it would be just DH's parents that would want to come for a longer visit when the baby is born, since they are retired and have time. My MIL has already not so subtly hinted that she plans on staying (we have a lot of space) for a while to be a nanny. That's a sweet gesture, and one that my SIL took her up on when her first was born. But the difference is, SIL is a surgeon. I will be a SAHM. I also am a little more private and while I think it would be nice to have visitors at the hospital, I would rather have a traditional situation where people come and visit for an hour or so, then go home. The idea of our first couple days at home getting to know our child (our first!) and learning how to breastfeed and generally care for another human being while under the watchful gaze of my MIL seems overwhelming and too personal. I love my in-laws, and enjoy when they visit. I just think that I'd want to set very specific ground rules - like you can come by for an hour or two, say breakfast/lunch together, then dinner time, but let us be for a bit between those times. Or, come 2 weeks after the birth and stay one week. She wants to live in the "in-law suite" (houses here generally have a detached garage, sometimes with little apartments on top, so it's feasible) for who knows how long when the baby gets here. I know this and she doesn't even know we are pregnant - this is just stated as fact every time they visit just in case.
Anyone else worried about something like this? Or should I be grateful that someone wants to be in our business 24/7? FWIW, I'm used to being alone a lot of the time and am not bothered by it.
You and your DH will have to speak up and tell her just how you feel. It may be awkward or uncomfortable, but in the end it'll be better for you and your baby and that is what matters! Of course she'll be anxious to be there and meet the baby right away, but if you feel as though it would interfere with your bonding then she needs to stay away.
A tip for the hospital one of my nurses actually gave me once. Talk to the nurses as soon as you get there and come up with a code word. If you tell them it's "milk" and at some point you let them know you'd like a glass of milk it means they need to clear everyone out of the room. That way they can make some reason up and you don't look like the bad guy. Worked like a charm!
I hear you! My mom is the same way, so I always tell her she could only come a week after baby is born. I am a very private person as well, and especially with my first 2, I didn't want to have to worry about "dressing" myself to come nurse in the family room. OR worry if I was leaking from a few different places She can only stay for a week only. Our family time is very special to me, and that bonding time that my husband is off of work for is for us, not us and said visitors.
That said, it can be very helpful, but definitely set boundaries.
My MIL came for a week after our first, and I was glad it was not repeated with the second! I think I'd be miffed at the nanny suggestion. If people want to help, they could do my laundry. That's what I need. lol Someone to fix meals and take care of me.
I am so over nursing in public. If I'm home, and I need to feed them, just don't watch! My MIL gave me the hardest time with nursing. She weaned her's early, her daughter weaned her's early, and here I am the freak of nature that was planning to nurse till they were 2.
19 months is how far I got with my first. My second still likes nursing so it won't stop soon. Maybe she'll wean herself when the milk changes. I dunno. Might be nice to freak out my in-laws even more, tandem nursing.
For sure speak up and tell them that you want some alone time. Sit down with your hubby and figure out what will work for you- what you want to happen and go from there. This is a VERY special time for you and you don't need any added stress or worries into the mix. You're going to be exhausted as it is- and have lots of things to think about- and I know for me- visitors......no matter how much they want to help- would just be in the way.
We luckily don't have many out of town family. Everyone is pretty close so they will come see us at the hospital and I'm sure pop in after we get home. DF's grandmother and aunt live out of town so we actually have plans to go visit them a month or two after baby arrives.
One Angel in Heaven lost @ 6 weeks on 2/7/2013
I was in similar situation when Savannah was born (all of our family was out of town, we were discharged from hospital on Thanksgiving) and we didn't have anyone fly in for a couple of weeks just so we could get settled & in a routine first. As my in laws were not particularly supportive of my BFing her, I think it was helpful not to have that added pressure as a brand new mom...
This go around I suspect we'll be begging people to come stay before & after as I suspect we'll need help with Savannah too, and I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did first time at the baby rodeo
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Thank you for all of your advice. I liked the code word idea; I could use that both at the hospital and at home. I think that my DH and I might have different preferences though - he might appreciate having them around full time. However, he has no idea about babies. Yesterday we went out for a few minutes with a friend that has a three month old and he asked if he was eating solid foods. I think I will think about what I want now, and then in a few months, once he starts to see the ultrasounds and feel baby kicking, bring it up with him. In the meantime, I'll deflect the in-laws comments as best I can. Another thing I can use to try and sway him to my point of view is to suggest they come after his paternity leave dwindles down - that he can see his folks while he's off with me and the baby, but then if I need help while he's back at work, I can always ask.
This really put me more at ease about the whole thing. I was afraid that it would be like the last conversation about babies I had with my MIL, where after a bunch of unsolicited comments about baby making, I blurted out that we were absolutely done talking about it and I wasn't going to participate any more. Probably too blunt I now have some tools to get what I want that will make everybody more happy.
This can definitely be a tough topic. Im sure telling her you don't want her there feels like it will be an uncomfortable conversation. I say - put it on ur hubs. Have him tell her that you need some time to bond as a family - alone. And you'd love to have her around, for visits. The first few weeks can be really hard, and you may not want ppl all up in your biz. I lived my with ex in laws when my first was born and at times it was really really hard. Good luck, dont stress tho - you have time to think about it