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How to break the news to someone who will be sad and jealous?

Forum: October 2013 Playroom


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  • 1 Post By anothermother
  • 1 Post By kayakr

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February 13th, 2013, 03:55 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Maybe I'm just extra sensitive to this, being of the infertile club... but how do you break the news to someone who desperately wants a baby, but hasn't been able to have one?
I have a friend who I WANT to tell, and will have to eventually... but she has a medical condition that stops her from getting there.
I feel guilty for having happy news, because I have been there!
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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February 13th, 2013, 04:15 PM
StephanieMitchell's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 586
Im kind of in the same boat. I have a friend who has been trying to have a baby for almost 4 years with no luck yet. I havent quite decided how to tell her yet, but Im thinking it will just be best to tell her and not make a huge deal out of it. No cutsey suprise gimmics...just "Im pregnant" She can either be upset, or be happy, but Im not really going to have control over it either way. I can still hope for the best though!
Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3

We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
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February 13th, 2013, 04:16 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,172
I've been in a similar situation. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I had a friend who desperately wanted a baby, couldn't get pregnant and had already experienced a failed adoption (she actually had the baby at home when the birth mom came back to get her...very sad!)

Since we live in a small community, I knew once the news got out to family it would be known to everybody an I did not want my friend to find out from anyone, but me. So, before we told anyone else, I sat down with her and broke the news to her as gently as I could. She really did take it better than I expected and she said she really appreciated me telling her personally.
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February 13th, 2013, 04:46 PM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,061
That is tough. I am having to do the same thing. My friend has been trying since August, right when we got pregnant the first time, and still hasn't gotten pregnant. It took them 6 months for their daughter, but they were hoping to avoid it this time. Our husbands are closer than her and I are so DH is just going to tell him and he can decide how to tell her.

Even though I didn't go through infertility, going through pregnancy announcements after our loss were the hardest thing I have ever done. One friend told me in front of other friends 4 weeks after our loss. It was the first time I had seen them all since the loss. I'm not gonna lie, it was really hard for me. I literally had an out of body experience. I still can't see her without the trigger of those emotions when she first told me. And I had to smile and be happy with everyone there, just wasn't prepared for it. I would have done better with an email/message. That's just me though. Definitely pull her aside and not in front of people, give her time to take it in for a second without the pressure of needing to be happy for a second. She will be happy, but she'll need a minute to be sad for a minute for herself.
MadMay likes this.
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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February 13th, 2013, 05:50 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Last year (when we had been trying for 3 years) my best friend had a surprise baby at 39. AND my ex husband had a baby with some chick he met at a new years party. Both were very hard. My best friend telling me was the worse. I remember that and just want to be happy, but at the same time not bum anyone out!
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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February 13th, 2013, 05:59 PM
Loni's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 4,467
I have to tell my sister in law that I am pregnant when she just found out in December that she may never be able to have kids. She wants a baby so badly an they have been trying for 3.5 years. They were told IVF may work but she can't afford it. The worst part is I'd like to tell her in person but since she lives 300 miles away I'm afraid by the time I see her it will hurt more because I will be so far along and I think she would think I was trying to hide it from her.

Good luck when you tell your friend. Let us know how it goes.
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February 13th, 2013, 06:12 PM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,753
"Lurking" I had two friends have to tell me last year. They both knew we were trying and having to do IVF. They both got pregnant within 6 months.

My friend and her DH meant us out for dinner and told us at dinner. I was shocked and happy but super happy that they told us personally. They also told us before they announced it to others which made me feel special and like they knew it would hurt but we would also be happy. I held myself to dinner and we talked all about it. I got home and got on my treadmill and walked and cried for about 5 miles. There was nothing they could have done different to make it better or worse. I was happy for them and ended up being very involved in her pregnancy and now her 4 month old.

My other friend....sent me a picture of BFP txt message. Again happy for her but I threw my little fit to myself. That was okay too. Way less personal but I didn't have to find out from anyone else or FB. That baby will be a year old on mothers day. I love both friends and both babies and both ways of telling me where ok. If you made me pick I'd pick the person to person though.

I hope that helps friend!
smsturner likes this.
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13
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February 13th, 2013, 07:04 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,839
I was worried about the same thing with my sister. She has PCOS and would get pregnant in a heartbeat if she could. We told her in person. Took a lil for me to work up the nerve. Initially she was shocked and then launched into practical plans - what to do with my house now that it's obvious SO and I will be living together, insurance, etc. Later she texted me to say she was sorry if she didn't seem excited, she really was and she was happy for me.

I went into it not expecting the normal gush of wow and I never mentioned her situation or threw out anything remotely close to pity. And it sucks that she probably cried later on, it makes me want to, but I can't change it for her. Much as I'd love to.

"He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." ~ Forrest Gump
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February 14th, 2013, 05:40 AM
drewbears's Avatar Mom to 8 AWESOME kids!
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Its a very hard spot to be in.

She may be upset/jealous when you tell her.... but would it be worse if you waited till later to tell her rather than sooner?

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