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Having some feelings of guilt about this pregnancy vs first child


Forum: October 2013 Playroom

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  • 4 Post By Lotsakids
  • 1 Post By Allisonjuly
  • 2 Post By curlimama05
  • 1 Post By Dolly Lama
  • 1 Post By Laurenj915
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  #1  
March 30th, 2013, 01:01 AM
Jackie1122's Avatar Veteran
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I am not sure how well I will be able to word this, but I am having some guilty feelings about this pregnancy. To be more specific: when I got pregnant with my son in 2009 I was younger, in the middle of planning my wedding, and working full time while going to college. I was very excited and always looked forward to my doctors appointments, and went out and bought lots of stuff after learning I was expecting a boy. I had professional pictures taken of him as a newborn and at various other stages and of course took many of my own. Looking back now, there are so many more things I wish I would have done like 4d ultrasound, belly cast, weekly belly photos, monthly baby pictures (labeled in cute outfit), growth chart, etc. I guess I was just too busy to do much research and many of these things didn't even cross my mind while I was pregnant.
Now thanks to Pinterest (where was Pinterest several years ago, seriously?) and ideas from other moms I know, I have all kinds of neat ideas of things to do with this baby. Problem is, me and my husband have talked it over and we both feel like it is not fair to do things with this baby that we didn't do with our first. I would hate for him to one day feel like we didn't care as much about him because we didn't do the same things for them both. I know it might sound silly but I already have guilt and anxiety over having a second, it has just been us and our son for 3 years and I am so worried about how he will handle not being the only one. Any tips or suggestions from other moms? This is stressing me out!
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  #2  
March 30th, 2013, 01:23 AM
Lotsakids's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Honestly? I think you're over thinking it. Opportunities are always going to arise to do things with one of your children that you didn't have with the other/s. That is life.
To be totally truthful I don't think that your son will even notice, not unless you put an emphasis on it.

That said I can understand that 'guilt' associated with having another one. I have 6 children, but that doesn't change it. Sienna is the baby, & I am really enjoying her. I feel a certain amount of guilt at taking away her 'baby' status because there is another baby.
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  #3  
March 30th, 2013, 04:37 AM
Lemon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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There was no Pinterest in 2009. That's when I had my daughter!

Try not to stress about it. There will always be new things we wish we could go back and do. Your oldest got 100% of your attention, which is something the 2nd, 3rd, etc kid will never have. We can only do our best and enjoy it.
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  #4  
March 30th, 2013, 05:10 AM
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Trust me he probably won't care. My kids are so spaced out there are things I had no idea would be invented now. One thing to keep in mind... it's not him vs. the new baby. This is his little sibling so he can be involved in all the new special things. My first- his baby book is full of a lot of infant photos of him by himself. My second- every other photo she's with her brother. By the time I had my 4th all the kids are in the birth announcement photo.

Adding to your family means everyone gets something out of it. And in case you're worried about the love thing (I remember I was) it truly is like your heart grows each time you have a baby to allow that same giant burst of love for each one.
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  #5  
March 30th, 2013, 07:19 AM
soul_donut's Avatar Melissa
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Oh don't worry about it! Situations change and it's alright. Just go with the flow - no worries.
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  #6  
March 30th, 2013, 07:36 AM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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I agree with the others. Things change. My first was born in 2008. I had no idea women took weekly belly photos then. I took them with my second. I have one pregnant picture with my first. But I also went crazy with my first. Crib, all sorts of clothes, I MADE people touch my belly, all sorts of baby things I wouldn't need just wanted, etc.

My second I wanted diapers. We had a PnP. We don't buy an outfit for her every time we're in town. I don't go to the expensive baby boutique to shop for her, and she doesn't have a fancy stroller. I got her a $15 umbrella stroller.

This baby I'm collecting diapers already. I'm collecting clothes. That's about it. I want a shower this time. Hope I can get one.
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  #7  
March 30th, 2013, 07:36 AM
Julie
Join Date: Nov 2010
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I can see how you would worry about that, but it will be fine. You don't see how it's going to work now, but once the baby comes things will fall into place without much.effort, you'll see!
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  #8  
March 30th, 2013, 07:59 AM
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My DS1 gave us the stink eye in the hospital (he was 3), but we brought Lukie home and when he started to fuss in his carseat, Logan stuck his little arms out, said "I wanna hold him," and they've been inseperable ever since.

Siblings are a gift. They wont always get along, but they'll always have eachother. And the daycare kids I have who have siblings seem happier and more well-adjusted.
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  #9  
March 30th, 2013, 02:41 PM
Leah
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Four kids in my family, with me being the oldest. My sister and I are a mere 17 months apart, and there are tons of pictures of us. When the next sibling came along, almost 6 years later, our grandmother was ill and my mother was divorcing. There are very few pictures of her and baby #3. When #4 came along, my brother's father fancied himself an amateur photographer so he was always taking pictures. I don't think it mattered much to #3. Certainly there was a time when she was interested in stuff like that, but it didn't really matter too much. We had stories to replace pictures.

Maybe spend the next few months creating new memories with DS. Take tons of pictures. And remember that he'll have this time to be an only child - no other baby will have that. And it's easy to start new traditions with him now.
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  #10  
March 30th, 2013, 03:00 PM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I understand where you're coming from, but try not to think too much about this. With my first child, who is now 17, I didn't have time or much money to do all of the cute things that I would have loved to have done. With the second, I could actually afford professional pictures, so I had them done. With this one, I'm going to do everything that I always wanted to do with my other children. Circumstances change things, and that has nothing do with with how much I love each one of them...The funny thing is that I'm the only one who even cares about any of this - they're more interested in friends, clothes, and their hair!

As far as the guilt goes for having another baby, I agree with Curlimama - sibilings are a gift. They may bicker, fight, and compete with each other at times, but they'll also play together and create many wonderful memories together. No matter what happens, they'll always have each other.
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  #11  
March 30th, 2013, 05:49 PM
Laurenj915's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think the opposite is more often true. You don't go all out for your second, third or forth babies. They get hand me downs, you don't spend as much one on one time with them. You let them watch sesame street earlier, or give them jarred baby food once in a while. I don't think people should feel guilty about that and I don't think you should feel guilty about doing more.
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  #12  
April 2nd, 2013, 11:42 AM
Jackie1122's Avatar Veteran
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Thanks for all the input ladies! I feel relieved to hear other people say that it's not a big deal because it felt like one to me. After thinking about it more, I do want to do things with this baby even if I didn't get to do them with my son. A 4d ultrasound would be fun for all of us to see, and I think it would help my 3 year old to really grasp the concept that a baby is in there.
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  #13  
April 3rd, 2013, 04:28 AM
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My first was born in 2000 and so many things have changed since then, including my knowledge of what is out there. He got many things that my other kids did not get, like both of his grandma's living here, getting to know a grandfather(he unfortunately passed away before getting to know the other kids well), I took so many pics, etc. Now it almost seems like real life has set in and things are more normal now. I don't think anyone will feel left out of the equation. I do always make sure that if I buy one kid something, that all of them get a little something even if it is just a pack of gum or a sucker, just so they know that I was thinking about them too.
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  #14  
April 3rd, 2013, 05:02 AM
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I feel the same way at times..... my son has been the center of attention for the last 3.5 yrs and I feel guilty to take that away from him. However, I remind myself that a sibling is the best gift you can give your child. Once DH and I are dead and gone they will have each other to lean on.
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  #15  
April 3rd, 2013, 05:16 AM
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Lauren is right...

I have completed baby scrapbooks for kids #1 and #2... Kid #3 I'm only down up to his 2 months old... Kid #4's scrapbook is empty. But at least I bought it!!! LOL
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  #16  
April 3rd, 2013, 05:43 AM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
A 4d ultrasound would be fun for all of us to see, and I think it would help my 3 year old to really grasp the concept that a baby is in there.
Good idea - I was thinking of doing the same because I want to see, plus I was thinking I'd make the baby more real to my daughter. One more thing I didn't get to do with my previous kids because they didn't have 3D/4D ultrasounds back then!
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  #17  
April 3rd, 2013, 06:34 AM
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I have nothing useful to add. But wanted to thank you for this post. I am having similar feelings and it really helps to see the perspectives of BTDT mommas with more than 1 kid
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