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Forum: October 2013 Playroom

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  #21  
April 15th, 2013, 11:43 AM
~*Nicole*~'s Avatar Nicole
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QL1516 View Post
I'm pretty educated myself, both with sexual abuse and juvenile offenders. A 13 year old, even 15 year old, doesn't have a fully functioning brain and that can be related to certain behaviors. No diagnostician would label a 13 year old a pedophile. If this were an adult, I'd be right there saying no way, but because it was a child there's just too much that's unknown - especially if this is a person that's a close friend. If it weren't a close friend, I wouldn't deal with the hassle. But if it is, it's worth knowing whether you're dealing with someone who was acting out as a result of their own abuse, or if this is someone with their own behaviors. Lots of abused kids act out sexually without becoming predators. If the behavior continued into later teens then that's a sign that regardless of the origins of the behavior, it wasn't dealt with.
16 is the age at which an adolescent can be diagnosed with a paraphiliac disorder. Most pedophiles begin acting out in a sexually deviant manner as teenagers. Sadly, a pedophile often abuses HUNDREDS of children before being caught, so it's safe to assume that they're typically discreet about their predilections and most people are unaware of their sexual deviancy. I do believe that a person should be innocent until proven guilty and I would never suggest that the man in this particular instance should be publicly shamed or run out of town. I would, however, be very wary around him and would not likely continue any sort of relationship with him because it really is better to be safe than sorry, especially when dealing with someone who is more likely than the average person to act in a sexually deviant manner.
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  #22  
April 15th, 2013, 11:44 AM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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Location: Freaking Louisiana
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Thanks for the input. I don't feel comfortable addressing the issue with him yet. I may one day. I do know now he's very into women, like older women. He doesn't date women younger than he is.

When I say molest, he raped him. It went on for a period of 2-3 years. The victim was around 7 when it started, and I believe him. The molester was around 13 or 14 when he started. The little boy always seemed to love being around him, like all of the kids. He was fun and adventurous. It's just so strange. I saw him give himself to Christ a few years ago. I'm just blown away how you can believe you know someone, and suddenly you find things out.

DH put his foot down so I won't invite him over again, but I think I will allow my children around him only if he's supervised.



Supervised by my husband or me.

My mom had an abusive grandfather. He never went that far with her, but that's how she handled it. When we went over, he was never left alone with children. Everyone knew about it, though. I hate all this secret stuff. I don't mind small secrets, but these are pretty big.
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  #23  
April 15th, 2013, 11:53 AM
~*Nicole*~'s Avatar Nicole
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluvmybabies* View Post
I was molested by my grandfather at 4 and raped by him at 12 and 13 so sexual abuse is a sore subject for me

I have known a child at 12 that did very wrong things to another child that was 5 and despite the issues that child had mentally or otherwise he committed sexual abuse plain and simple, 2 willing kids playing doctor(I did this lots as a child)and 1 kid doing something to another kid that they don't want are two VERY different things!!!!!

I would NOT let anyone I even suspect had committed sexual abuse around my children but that's just me!
I'm so sorry that happened to you no child should ever have to go through something like that
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  #24  
April 15th, 2013, 11:59 AM
Leah
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That's a long period of time for it to have gone on. And over a very important timeframe developmentally. With that info, I'd definitely be wary. The older the perpetrator is, the less likely for effective treatment should it be a case of an abuse victim. That coupled with the extreme pendulum swing to being very interested in older women would be a big flag for me.


The little boy probably would love being around him. Essentially they had a relationship, and it probably felt loving to him on some level.
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  #25  
April 15th, 2013, 12:03 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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That's scary, Leah, thinking it was love. I'll probably think about this some more. I hate this!!!
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  #26  
April 15th, 2013, 12:14 PM
Leah
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It is. It's also part of the secret aspect of sexual abuse. There's inherent shame and guilt on the part of the victim - why them, but they felt special, why didn't they stop it, even physical reactions (even rape victims may have a physical reaction of some sort and it's not talked of often because for many it somehow implies consent or pleasure). And then people just don't talk about it. It often lends to the feelings of isolation victims feel. Sometimes that can lend to the connection with the abuser while the abuse is going on.
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Last edited by QL1516; April 15th, 2013 at 12:18 PM.
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  #27  
April 15th, 2013, 12:26 PM
Wren's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was going to add to my original post the caveat that to form a real opinion I would have to know a lot more. With your clarification, I would definitely be wary. As a compassionate person I am willing to look at the reasons behind his behavior and willing to believe that maybe he repented for it, or sought therapy, and has never done it again. As a parent, I would be cautious about having him alone with my kids or getting too close to them. It is very difficult because someone at 13 probably does not understand all the reasons behind his behavior and all the ramifications, but it is also hard to know if the behavior ever continued because it is not something that he would admit and other victims might keep quiet.

Is he someone who spends a lot of time at your house currently? If not, it would not be too hard to distance yourself. However, if he is a close friend it makes it both more important to protect your children and more important that you know his side of the story before kicking him out of your life. I am sorry you are in this situation.
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  #28  
April 15th, 2013, 02:36 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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No, he doesn't come over a lot. I mostly see him at others' houses. It shouldn't be too hard to not have him over again.
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  #29  
April 15th, 2013, 03:20 PM
The Purple Butterfly's Avatar Stacey
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I was sexually abuse when I was a kid by my step father for almost 4yrs. I am by no means an abuser myself. I certainly wouldn't shun someone from your home simply because they were abused. However, just be wise in your choices of having adults around when this person is around your kids.
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  #30  
April 15th, 2013, 11:37 PM
SierraWinter's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I dont want to hurt anyone with this post or get anyone upset. I really do like the woman on JM and think everyone means well. And I'm not here to debate that all people need love, forgiveness, or can or cannot be rehabilitated. Maybe they can, maybe they cant.

But as a parent you have to keep toxin out of your home as much as you can. I have to agree with Nicole & Summer on this topic. Nicole might be coming off as harsh but I think she's being direct and blunt about a tough subject. I've been accused of being blunt and harsh on this exact topic within my family as I see this as black and white, so I can relate. Based on past experiences I had with family members that made excuses for another family member, and gave them the "benefit of the doubt", at the expense of innocent children. As you get older and you realize that adults could have protected you, but choose to be "kind", "loving" and "trusting" to a sexual deviant its a weight to bare. That is misguided kindness, love that should have been shown towards the innocent, and the justice that should have been served instead gets turned into some bizarre justification of "love" and forgiveness. Accountability is a word never used or mentioned. The innocence of a child should be protected above all. I've personally seen more people have compassion and tolerance for someone with "issues" than to protect the innocent. It infuriates me and is terribly upsetting because of years I of abuse I went through. My family has been hurt by my views (partially because I hold several of them responsible for sticking their head in the sand) but I was hurt by them not protecting me from a weenie-wagger. They still want their head in the sand so I bring a dose of reality. When they reminisce about said family member, so do I, with my memories. Its a betrayal that will live with you forever.

I'll let someone else worry about rehabbing these people - my job is to protect my family and loved ones as much as I can. It wouldn't even be a debate. If you've been on the receiving end of this, there really isn't a debate. I even use Family Watch Dog when I move into a neighborhood to see if I live next to registered sex offenders.

Last edited by SierraWinter; April 15th, 2013 at 11:41 PM.
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  #31  
April 16th, 2013, 06:28 AM
Wren's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4 Butterflies View Post
I was sexually abuse when I was a kid by my step father for almost 4yrs. I am by no means an abuser myself. I certainly wouldn't shun someone from your home simply because they were abused. However, just be wise in your choices of having adults around when this person is around your kids.
I have been assuming the whole time she was talking about the guy who did the abuse, not the one who was abused.
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  #32  
April 16th, 2013, 08:48 AM
mamarazzi40's Avatar Veteran
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wren View Post
I have been assuming the whole time she was talking about the guy who did the abuse, not the one who was abused.
I'm pretty sure she IS talking about the abuser being around.
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  #33  
April 16th, 2013, 10:28 AM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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Location: Freaking Louisiana
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamarazzi40 View Post
I'm pretty sure she IS talking about the abuser being around.
I am. =) Though I will stop worrying for now. I just found out he's being deployed in a few months, and it's supposed to last a year or more. By the time he returns, I should be working a bunch teaching and tutoring. Plus we're moving to Washington state in 2-3 years. This deployment changed some things. When he's back I guess I'll just see him at church and church functions. Maybe if we're visiting the same people. If it ever becomes an issue of why we don't invite him over, I'll confront him then.

Debating if we should tell my preacher. He's been trained about these things.
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  #34  
April 16th, 2013, 11:57 AM
~*Nicole*~'s Avatar Nicole
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spyctre View Post
I am. =) Though I will stop worrying for now. I just found out he's being deployed in a few months, and it's supposed to last a year or more. By the time he returns, I should be working a bunch teaching and tutoring. Plus we're moving to Washington state in 2-3 years. This deployment changed some things. When he's back I guess I'll just see him at church and church functions. Maybe if we're visiting the same people. If it ever becomes an issue of why we don't invite him over, I'll confront him then.

Debating if we should tell my preacher. He's been trained about these things.
Depending on who you talk to about it and the reporting laws in your state, he may end up getting in legal trouble. Mandated reporters are required by law to report even suspicion of abuse, and in some places that includes past abuse. Considering he is only in his 20s, the statute of limitations has not likely expired.
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  #35  
April 16th, 2013, 12:36 PM
Leah
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Quote:
Depending on who you talk to about it and the reporting laws in your state, he may end up getting in legal trouble. Mandated reporters are required by law to report even suspicion of abuse, and in some places that includes past abuse. Considering he is only in his 20s, the statute of limitations has not likely expired.
This is totally true. The statute of limitations for simple battery may have expired, but because there was penetration odds are he could still be charged (that info can be found probably online in your state statutes). It's probably safe to assume anyone who has direct contact with kids in their job is a mandatory reporter. Clergy may have an exception, or it could be a gray area.

Quote:
I'll let someone else worry about rehabbing these people - my job is to protect my family and loved ones as much as I can. It wouldn't even be a debate. If you've been on the receiving end of this, there really isn't a debate.
I must be the anomaly. I'm both a survivor of abuse and an advocate for juvenile offenders. One of my abusers was an older kid in after school care. Now I wonder about abuse he probably went through and I hope hope hope that he got help. The adult? I could empathize had he been abused, but it would only be a possible explanation, not any excuse. And any treatment he would need should've come in a prison cell.
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  #36  
April 16th, 2013, 01:18 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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Well I called our family lawyer and asked her, and she told me it's expired. Since it concerned two juveniles and it was so far back, there is nothing to be done now except get one or both parties counseling.

I should have figured this. I had heard about a similar case in the town I'm in now, and it seemed like the teen charged was living his life like normal 3 years later. He was sent to a children's home that rehabilitated.

I'm going to let this one be. If I see any need in the future to confront him or tell someone about it, I will then. I told my husband. I think it might just bring pain to anyone else.
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  #37  
April 16th, 2013, 06:54 PM
The Purple Butterfly's Avatar Stacey
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OHHHHHHH!!!! I thought you meant the abused. WELL... in that case, I def would NOT feel comfy with my kids around that person.
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Oliver (5) VBA2C, 7lbs 3oz, 19.5"
Grayson (10/16/13)2VBA2C, 9lbs 12oz, 22"
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  #38  
April 16th, 2013, 09:59 PM
Druslady96's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 418
Sorry, I agree with Nicole. 13 year old know right from wrong unless maybe they grew up locked in a room. Kids know where they should or shouldn't be touched, as such they know where they shouldn't be touching people and if he was abused himself then more so inclined to have those type of temptations and I would not allow him near my child. Someone I knew as a child committed something at 15 to a 7 year old and although I would not have thought he would have done such a thing and "knew" him for a long time... I will never think of him as a normal person or feel sorry for him. Abuse is SICK and they know what they are doing is wrong... what motivates them is irrelevant and not even a question.
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  #39  
April 16th, 2013, 10:38 PM
SierraWinter's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QL1516 View Post
I must be the anomaly. I'm both a survivor of abuse and an advocate for juvenile offenders. One of my abusers was an older kid in after school care. Now I wonder about abuse he probably went through and I hope hope hope that he got help. The adult? I could empathize had he been abused, but it would only be a possible explanation, not any excuse. And any treatment he would need should've come in a prison cell.
A couple of years after I came out of my situation we had a kid in town that had sexually abused a young girl. He was in his early teens and came from a good family so people looked the other way, gave him the benefit of the doubt and labeled it a 'kid thing', something he did out of curiosity. I use to hang out with him and his younger sister (I didn't know about the accusations at this time). When I was 17 his little sister blew her head off. My brother was on the ambulance run, I know he'll never forgot it. Almost 20 years later and I think about her every year on the month she killed herself....cant help but wonder if she would have gotten married, or went to college, or maybe had her own had kids by now. I wish she had realized that she could have had a life.
Leniency on a child predator wasn't worth it. Perhaps if it has been addressed in the first place more aggressively another life would have been saved. I wonder if the blood of his sister changed him. Maybe he was abused. We have a nation of victims that use being a victim to victimize others and feel justified. Our society at times caters to this behavior. Even the man that harmed me was labeled with issues that caused my family to feel protective of him. No true accountability. We foster and help create these monsters. If we cut off the dicks of men that committed these crimes I guarantee you they would find it within themselves to control themselves. When you dont have a tough consequence people get away with as much as they can.

Last edited by SierraWinter; April 16th, 2013 at 10:51 PM.
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