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feeling down (kinda long vent)


Forum: October 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
May 5th, 2013, 09:56 PM
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i'm so frustrated with my baby's father right now. being pregnant and all emotional is just not working. i can usually deal with anything but right now i don't know what to do.

long story short whatever this year and a half "relationship" he and i have it was supposed to be just sexual. we both agreed nothing more. but feelings developed between us and well since we've never used protection... a baby happened.

i'm happy about it but scared at the same time. (it's been a long time since i've had a baby, my son is 12.) but i'm taking responsibility, planning for the future, saving money, i've told my job. and i've told my family who pretty much been unsupportive so far.

he on the other hand doesn't want to tell anyone because it turns out he's had a girlfriend this whole time. and he said he can't be there for me or the baby because she'd find out and it'll be over between them. i told him i'm not filing for child support from him because he has a minimum wage job and can barely take care of himself. the only thing i have asked him to do is to come to the gender ultrasound at the end of this month and be there when the baby is born. his excuse, she'll find out if he leaves work to go to the ultrasound, and he'll be out of state for the month of october playing with his band somewhere.

i kinda talked to my ex bff about it earlier (don't ask why i still talk to her). she said she thinks i'm trying to make him do stuff he doesn't want to do. like i'm trying to get him to be my boyfriend. i don't think i am though. he's a lot younger than me and i know he's not deliberately trying to hurt me, he's usually a sweetheart, he just doesn't think, he's immature. he'll be 22 when the baby is born. my exhusband and i were 22 when my son was born. my brothers were both 22 when their kids were born.

what's your opinion: is it selfish of me to ask him to be there when his kid is born? would it be wrong of me to tell him to grow up and take some responsibility? life isn't about him anymore it's about this baby, right?

it's not that i can't be a single mom again. i am a single mom. my exhusnand hasn't been there for my son in 12 years, no birthdays, no holidays, no school events, baseball games, etc. he knows nothing about my son, they're complete strangers. and now my son wan't nothing to do with him. i was just hoping this baby didn't have to experience no dad.
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  #2  
May 6th, 2013, 12:37 AM
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It sounds like he doesn't want the baby - is that right? This is certainly an undesirable position to be in.

If that's the case, going to the U/S and birth is a bit of a strange thing to request of him, I gotta say. It risks creating attachment in a person who expressly doesn't want any.

You should have support, absolutely, but if he's not on board, it's in your best interest to get it from other, better sources. These issues are difficult/impossible to force on unwilling parties, and it sounds like you guys had a prior agreement about how far exactly your relationship would go. His behavior here doesn't surprise me in the least, much as I wish for your sake he would handle it differently.

It also sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk and find out where he is on things *exactly*, and from there you can get a clearer idea of what your future will be like - or whether he will be in it.
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  #3  
May 6th, 2013, 04:10 AM
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I can understand you being upset and wanting the father to be involved. However, the most important time for him to be involved would be when the child is growing up and is cognizant of his father's presence, so expecting him to be at the u/s and birth wouldn't benefit the baby in any way. I Don't blame you for wanting and needing support During the pregnancy and birth, but it sounds like he's not going to be stepping up that way. I would suggest asking a sister, friend, or mother or even hiring a doula to suppoertsupport you for the birth. From what you tell us it sounds like right now he will not be getting involved, but hopefully in the not so distant future he will decide to man up and be involved in his child's life. You are not being selfish by asking him to be at the u/s or birth at all. It is just that while we can try to force men to do tthings like pay for their kids, we unfortunately cannot force them to spend time with and care about them. Very sad, but true.
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  #4  
May 6th, 2013, 05:21 AM
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I have to agree with the ladies above.
Did he understand the risk of not using protection anymore? Seems like maybe he wanted a baby at first and then changed his mind after you got pregnant. I would just write him off, especially since it seems like his girlfriend means more to him than his child does...do they have children together?
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  #5  
May 6th, 2013, 06:09 AM
BostonmamaSue12's Avatar Veteran
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Ive had my share of men like this and in my opinion, no matter how hard you try, he is not going to be there or change and in the long run, your child is just better off. My sisters husband left her after 15 years of marriage and hasn't seen his son since....she tries and tries but nothing and yes, it affects her son, but he got along just fine. Heading off to Harvard in the fall....

Focus your time on the baby, good friends and meeting someone that deserves you!!
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  #6  
May 6th, 2013, 06:26 AM
Lemon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't want to be involved with the pregnancy you can't make him and its his loss.
You'll just have to decide if you want him to be a part of the baby's life moving forward (if he will even be around to do that).
I hope he comes around and is supportive.
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  #7  
May 6th, 2013, 06:34 AM
soul_donut's Avatar Melissa
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No wonder you're upset. This is not a great situation, but kudos to you for stepping up and embracing it and trying to do the right thing. You asked for our opinions, so here is mine. Women statistically end up carrying the weight of a child more than their male counterpart (physically, financially, you name it) - I don't think it's fair that you plan on shouldering the cost and responsibility of child care all on your own. Whether he wants to be there or not, he is the father of your child, and should take responsibility in his life to provide for him/her. That should mean doing what he can to improve his job situation - that shouldn't be an excuse to why you aren't asking for child support. He has set a low bar for himself (not being accountable as a father, boyfriend to TWO women, human being) and the mandatory child support could be the kick in the *** he needs. But really, it's not your problem.

As for being involved with the gender ultrasound etc - I wouldn't force the issue. I would tell him how you feel about it, tell him where and when, and leave it up to him. You will only cause yourself grief if you try and focus on others and how they behave - you can only control yourself. As for his girlfriend - who cares? That should not factor in at ALL to how you proceed. Take care of yourself - set yourself up to win. Schedule a paternity test now (I think you can do it around this time in utero right?) or when the baby is born, acknowledge officially that he is the father, and move on to caring for your precious baby!
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  #8  
May 6th, 2013, 06:45 AM
ILoveStorm2011's Avatar Mack :)
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I dont think you're selfish at all! In fact he sounds completely self-absorbed and unwilling to own up to his actions.
So, I would do what the other ladies suggest and just drop him. It might just make it worse when he is there and then drops out of your life again because he wont just be dropping out of your life - he'll be dropping out of your now born son's life and I think that would feel so much worse
I would sit down and have a talk with him and get straight what he wants and let him know that this is a MAJOR decision and not some game. Sometimes you have to really be strict with young guys (My DH is 23 )
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  #9  
May 6th, 2013, 07:06 AM
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I'm sorry for what you're going through and in all my wisdom {hahhaha} I have to say that I 100% agree with soul_donut.

Especially about child support.

In my opinion, it's not your responsibility to enable him to keep the low standard he's set, but to protect your baby {like you have your son} and even if he has a minimum wage job, he should contribute to the cost of raising this baby. Put the money away in an account for the baby when he/she grows up, invest it, whatever.

No judgment on my part, girl and I'm sorry you're hurting!
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  #10  
May 6th, 2013, 08:12 AM
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My 2 cents:

1 - Get a paternity test - you said you weren't planning on asking for child support, but you might change your mind. Its not to punish him, its to help support a BABY. The money you recieve can go in a trust for baby.

2 - If he has said that he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Than that means he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. I don;t think its fair to ask him to go to appointments with you. I like the suggestion of a doula, if you cant get support from a family member or good friend. (or even if you can)

3- Drop ties with the *********. He had a gf the entire time you were with him. He isn't a sweetheart, he's an asshat. I'd be inclined on letting the gf in on his little secret....again...not to punish him but to protect HER. God knows how many other women are in the picture and what diseases he could be carrying or get in the future. (I have a good friend that was seeing a guy for over a year, he gave her herpes. Turns out, he's had a gf for over 5 years who was pregnant at the time).

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I feel terrible for you that you are in this situation, but it sounds like you are trying to protect him (from his gf finding out), and wanting him to be in YOUR life. You need to protect yourself and your child.

Big hugs for stepping up and taking responsibility.
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  #11  
May 6th, 2013, 08:24 AM
Wren's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Fortunately I haven't had too much personal experience in my life with deadbeat dads, so the other ladies might be right to just drop him now and not go through the stress of trying to involve him when he is not interested. He is obviously young and self-centered and trying to have his cake and eat it too. You need to sit him down and let him know that you understand he is in a bad situation and he wants to make it go away, but that trying to keep a baby 100% secret just is not going to ever work out. He needs to deal with that and accept that before deciding how he wants to go forward.

I agree with Soul Donut and Mamarazzi about child support and paternity tests. I think you should establish that now. 18 years is a long time and he might be in a better position to help financially in the future. Of course that will antagonize him, but it doesn't sound like he is going to step up anyway.
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  #12  
May 6th, 2013, 12:28 PM
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I agree with everyone else.

My first thought was um you NEED to make sure and file for child support no matter what!
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  #13  
May 6th, 2013, 06:50 PM
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I have a slightly different perspective from those above. It comes from my experience in multiple-lover relationships (yes, some people do have them and no they're not intrinsically evil, but everyone involved should know about and have the opportunity to consent or decline to the extended relationship that is created by one member taking multiple partners - otherwise it's irresponsible).

In my view, when you have an express agreement that a relationship doesn't go past a certain point, you are under an obligation to uphold that agreement. Ideally protection will be used to prevent any accidental escalations, but should they occur, the original agreement should be honored.

If this was a "friends with bennies" arrangement, I don't think it would be ethical of you to BOTH have the child and ask for financial support. There's some gray area here because obviously it's 50% his fault that a conception occurred as you both chose not to use protection, but 18 years of payouts as a "lesson" when minimum wage can't even put food on the table as it is ... I'm not in agreement with that as "fair".

Now, as the owner of the body who has the child in it, the choice of whether to terminate is yours, but I think if you decide you want to have and keep the baby - since the decision is 100% yours, so is the responsibility by default. (I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but this is honestly what I believe is right given the circumstances, but I'll agree it's not black-and-white since they both chose not to use protection - I would be a bit more certain if this was a case of failed protection instead).

If he wants IN - if he wants a part of this child's life: that's when the financial responsibility kicks in, in my view. There are plenty of resources available; you don't HAVE to have this baby if you aren't ready or if your circumstances aren't favorable. Dragging in someone kicking and screaming after agreeing to a "lovers only" relationship seems wrong to me, and that's my (likely unpopular) point of view.
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  #14  
May 6th, 2013, 07:52 PM
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I understand where Seasaidh is coming from, and I understand the inherent unfairness of saying that a woman has a choice to have the child, but the man doesn't have a choice about child support. However, while I am sympathetic to that point of view, I disagree for two reasons:

1) When you have a long-term sexual relationship and don't use protection, a baby is a very likely possibility, and if a man 100% does not want a child, his choice is to use protection.
2) Child support is about protecting the interests of the child, not about the fairness or unfairness of the parents' behavior. Back in the day, illegitimate children did not get any support. The law recognizes now that both parents have responsibility for their children, no matter the status of their relationship.

I am a little nervous about this devolving into a political/philosophical argument when it involves such a personal situation. I just think as a start you should have paternity officially acknowledged so you have an easy way to file for child support in the future should you need to. I respect if you don't want to do it now and don't want to punish him financially if he doesn't have a lot to give at this point.
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  #15  
May 6th, 2013, 08:45 PM
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Wren, I respect your fair perspective and agree this isn't a good place for philosophy. I just felt I had to speak up, because personally I find the "support a child as punishment for sex" philosophy outdated and dangerous, and it sounded like that's what was being suggested here, for a little bit. Children deserve love and stability in a home that is prepared for them and specifically wants them. This doesn't mean you have to be paired up in a certain way, or of a specific socio-economic status, it just means that you have to want them for the purpose of having them and no other reason.

A person making min wage is well below the poverty line in virtually any place in this country. There is virtually no benefit to anyone in forcing that young man to participate. Better to not have a parent than to have one that doesn't want you. Seriously it's damaging and kids know when their parents aren't engaged. Ask me how I know. ... and the financial gain to be gotten from chasing him around for a percentage of his pittance is hardly worth the hassle anyway. If he made enough to live, I would feel differently about it.

OP, you deserve better than this. Hopefully he'll change his mind and decide he wants to be a dad. Failing that, well, I hope you have a good support network and sufficient financial means of your own. I sincerely wish you the best.
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  #16  
May 7th, 2013, 07:08 AM
soul_donut's Avatar Melissa
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I think it's good you chimed in - I hadn't thought of it that way. My feeling is, in response to your original post, is that both parties were consenting adults in a sexual relationship. One of the things that is key in that kind of relationship is communication - the sexual benefits only part was discussed, but the birth control part was not. Since neither used it, both are responsible. There is another discussion there about Plan B/abortion that should have been discussed prior to getting pregnant. So while I agree with you that a parent that doesn't want a child is damaging for SURE, both have to take responsibility for the situation at hand, because it's no longer in hypotheticals. At least getting him on record (even if she doesn't collect) legitimizes the situation. Hopefully his lot will change, job-wise, and hopefully he comes around because it sounds like baby is coming, like it or not!
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  #17  
May 7th, 2013, 07:40 AM
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Opinions are like a$$holes- everyone has one- this is mine LOL

i have read everyones post & agree with much of what has been said-

I feel like if you do not ask for child support you are teaching this young man a BAD lesson- that there are no consequences for his actions- Min wage or not .... I like the idea of setting in account for the childs future

now that being said- you can not force him to do the traditional BF type things like ultra sound- I would Inform him so he has the choice but it is up to him weather or not he is a part of it. If you force him or try to you will drive him away !!

not that my opinion matters but we are here for you hun- {{hugs}} i hope things get better for you
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  #18  
May 7th, 2013, 07:51 AM
Dolly Lama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It seems that the issue of financial support has been adequately covered, so I'm just going to jump right on over to emotional support - it sounds like you could really use some right now.

Although I haven't really discussed this here, I am newly separated from my husband, so I will be joining you on the single parent train. Appointments and everything related to this baby, I have been handling alone. It sucks - there's no way around that. I'm fortunate in the sense that I do have some good friends in my life, so I share information about the baby with them, plus the ladies here have been amazing, so overall I feel less alone, but it's still tough.

I know our situations are different because of the nature and duration of the relationships, but we have one other thing in common: My husband is almost double the age of your SO, but likely as immature and selfish. The reality is that trying to force a man like this to "grow up" is an exercise in futility - it's about the equivalent of forcing a toddler to "grow up" and be responsible. It may be more helpful, and a lot less frustrating, to focus on what you can control, which is yourself, your environment, and your future plans.

It's a sad situation all the way around - I really do feel for you. I hope that eventually your SO will mature on his own and realize that he's missing out by not being a part of this child's life.
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  #19  
May 7th, 2013, 08:08 AM
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thank you all for your comments and opinions i do appreciate everything.

i'm actually doing a lot better now that i've read your comments and had time to think about things. i was just having a really bad night after a really good day with my son. and i don't do good with being emotional. the only thing that matters now are my kids.

when he and i first met he did not tell me he had a girlfriend and i asked him several times throughout the first few months. if i would've known i would never, ever have continued anything with him. i'm the one who should've been smarter about the whole situation from the beginning. i was just going through a really bad time in my life when i wasn't thinking. (when you're strong for so long and everything you do is always to help out everyone else and you forget about yourself, sometimes it all just falls apart and you get really depressed and make all the wrong choices.)
we did talk about the possibility of me getting pregnant but it wasn't enough to make any changes. we got so comfortable with each other and not using protection why start now? and so it happened and i'm having this baby no matter what anyone else says. i believe it's my fault anyway and i'll be the one to take responsibility. i still think he should take some responsibility as well but i doubt he'll ever come around. my exhusband couldn't even take responsibility and it's been 12 years. he does take care of his other kids though, been there with them everyday since they were born. it's probably just me guys don't want to be around haha. it doesn't matter anyway. things are good now, they're great actually. i'm happy. my son is happy.

and you're so right about me leaving him, which i've done now. he didn't want me to go but i told him it was wrong for us to be together while he has a girlfriend. and if he didn't want to be involved with the baby i didn't want to be involved with him. i told him i was sorry for putting him in this situation but he shouldn't have lied. and i told him we're both responsible for this baby. he didn't have much more to say.

i'll be okay though. i've been alone my whole life anyway so nothing's changed really. i have my amazing son who i raised alone, without his father, and he's turned out great. he's my biggest support in all this. he can't wait to be a big brother. this baby may not have a father around either but it will have me and my son and maybe my parents if they can stop being upset with me too.

thank you again everyone.
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  #20  
May 7th, 2013, 04:16 PM
mamarazzi40's Avatar Veteran
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I just want to state for the record that I don't view child support as punishment and didn't imply that either.

Child support is for the baby/child. As a biological mom and as a stepmom, I have had child support come IN my home and also go OUT of my home. It is part of the responsibility of having a child.

Establishing it now is the right thing to do for the child--both short term and long term.

Make no mistake, there's no angry jaded woman residing in me. I have a great relationship with my exhusband and we worked our divorce details out together. Logically and fairly.

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