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Crying It Out vs. Cuddling Baby


Forum: October 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By soul_donut
  • 3 Post By mama2ladybugs

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  #1  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:25 PM
mama2ladybugs's Avatar Super Mommy
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I know everyone has different opinions and this isn't meant to become a debate, I just could use some opinions right now. When I had Athena, I tried my best to not hold her so much to the point that she would become too dependent on being held all the time. I made sure she was taken care of and I had my times of just cuddling, but once I knew she had been fed, changed, and had some time awake and she got fussy, I put her in bed and let her cry it out for 5-10 minutes, but no longer than that.

With Vivian, my intent was to do the same, but I've noticed that I do hold her a lot more than I did with Athena. My concern is still the same...I don't want her to get to the point where I can never put her down without crying, but I feel like she has already started to get to that point. One of my friends who has 2 kids and a 3rd on the way told me "You can't spoil a baby. At this age, it's important to hold and cuddle them as much as possible so that you can build that trust that you will always be there for them". It makes sense, but it also makes me wonder, has Athena lost trust in me because I didn't pick her up everytime she cried?

I love my cuddle time with my girls...I never get it with Athena, and it makes me wonder if she just doesn't want much to do with me because I let her cry it out. I certainly hope not. I want her to know that I love her and am always there for her. What do you ladies think?
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  #2  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:45 PM
JeCaLe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am of the opinion that when they are this little there is no spoiling them.

In terms of your daughter, kids are all different. DS1 had to be held at all times, it wasn't an option, CIO, even at older ages never worked. He still likes to be cuddled. DS2 didn't care if he was held or in the swing, bouncer, wherever, and slept fine in his pnp or crib from day 1. He is still not a cuddler. We didn't purposely treat them any different, its just the way they came. That said, this time around, we will make sure that she gets plenty of time in our arms as well as other places, but we won't do CIO until at least 8-10 mos.
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  #3  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:46 PM
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I am not a fan of CIO. When they are little I cuddle, nurse, soothe etc as I never really believe that you can spoil them that little. Now once they are older and clearly just pitching a fit, it's a bit different. However I don't think that Athena has lost faith that you'll be there for her. There are plenty of kids that had AP type parents that may not be super affectionate and others that did CIO that are affectionate. She may just be more of an independent child. With this one do what you feel is best for you and your kiddos.
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  #4  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:51 PM
Laurenj915's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Everyone does this part of parenting so differently. I think you have to go with your gut. For me, I held Sawyer when he cried for at least the first 6 months. After that, we started to let him cry or wait a bit. My SIL had a baby 3 weeks after I had Sawyer. She has more of a cry it out style. Our toddlers play together all the time. I guess Sawyer wants more physical comfort, if he is having a bad day or if he's sick he wants me to hold him alot. But that might be personality.

Honestly, I don't know if I picked him up when he cried because I felt it was important for him and his trust in me or his emotional development yadda yadda yadda... It was what I wanted to do. Maybe it was selfish.
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  #5  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:52 PM
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I am also of the opinion that you cannot spoil a baby, especially this young, and that holding them whenever they need you builds their trust. I never let DS cry it out and I highly doubt I will let this one do it either.

That being said though I do not judge other parents for doing what works with their own children, and I highly doubt Athena has lost trust in you. As the other ladies said, some kids are just more affectionate than others. You obviously are a caring, loving Mom (or else you wouldn't worry about it in the first place) and Athena can feel that. Try not to worry.
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  #6  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:57 PM
soul_donut's Avatar Melissa
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I think in the beginning they're still little developing fetuses almost, so coddling them a lot makes sense. But once they start to know what's what, after 3-4 months or so, it's ok to let them have a little bit of a cry, as long as you know they are perfectly well so that they become more adaptable and independent. I also think it depends on personality - my friend desperately wanted a little snuggler and she got a miss independent, even though she cuddled her a lot! Another friend said that she found it tough to go back to work and use a babysitter, but that the babysitter was able to correct a lot of bad habits rather quickly, including sleeping - friend would do a lot of coddling and things to get the baby down and it took forever.. babysitter created a nap routine and put him down and voila.. he learned so quickly and now sleeps peacefully without all the previous fuss. I plan on going with my gut with the last story in mind.. thinking of what's better in the long run vs short term discomfort. GOod luck to you! I definitely don't think that you caused your daughter any long term (or really, any short term beyond that 5-10 min) distress. Don't worry about that.
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  #7  
October 2nd, 2013, 04:58 PM
mama2ladybugs's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thank you ladies. I do wish I had done it differently with Athena, but I do have to see it as at the time I felt like I was doing what was right. All I can do is make sure I do things differently with Vivvy so I don't face that same regret.

Speaking of Athena, only 4 more days until she comes home from her grandparents' house!! I can't wait to see my little boogie, I miss her so much!!
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  #8  
October 2nd, 2013, 05:07 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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Depends on the kid, I think. I've always done what makes mine happy. DD1 was fine whenever I put her down so she wasn't held too much. Now she isn't into being cuddled, but I think all of it has to do with Autism. DD2 was into cuddling. She didn't like being put down so we held her tons. Still hold her tons. If I'm busy, I put her down. I ignore her if she fusses about it, and she quickly entertains herself elsewhere. DD3 we are holding all day. I can put her in the swing without fuss for the most part, but we just like holding her. If she turns into a lap baby, we will hold her a lot. If she's more independent, we won't hold her as much.

I know we might be spoiling our babies that way, but that's just how I've always dealt with people's children. If they are lap babies, they get held. If they don't care, don't have to hold them as much.
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  #9  
October 2nd, 2013, 05:07 PM
Lemon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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At this age I really don't think you can spoil them. It's our job to make sure all of their needs are met. Holding and soothing a newborn is essential. I think it's different when they are becoming toddlers.
I also think you can teach good sleep habits when they are older without ignoring their cries.

We used some CIO closer to my son's first bday when we ran into some sleep troubles. We didn't use it at all with DD.
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  #10  
October 2nd, 2013, 06:03 PM
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I personally feel like a baby only cries if they need something, even if that need is for their mama to cuddle them. I'm a huge cuddled, never did the cry it out thing & DS #1 was an awesome baby. He slept 14 hours a night at 3 months, hardly ever cried, & was just generally easy. I'm not expecting lightning to strike twice so I'm assuming this baby will give me a hard time but I'm not going to blame it on him being spoiled or being allowed to cry it out. I think each little baby has their own personality so we'll see. But I plan on cuddling constantly just like with my first. We still cuddle all the time & he is 4! I'm hoping that it lays the foundation for a close relationship with my boys forever.
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  #11  
October 2nd, 2013, 06:03 PM
east to west coast's Avatar ~Melissa~
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We held and wore our daughter pretty much all the time and will do the same with this baby. Definitely never did CIO with our daughter and wouldn't consider it with this baby. It just never felt right.
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  #12  
October 2nd, 2013, 07:11 PM
Druslady96's Avatar Veteran
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I let DD cry it out after a couple months I wanna say... but for a very short time and many of the times she would stop crying... by 3-4 months she would fall asleep... she fought her sleep from the beginning... not crying all the time but just so curious. Of course I cuddled and loved her but I also NEVER let her sleep in my bed... I felt it made it easier when I transitioned her to her own room and crib. She would put herself to sleep... and she still likes to cuddle so I think as far as that is concerned I think it depends on the child... not that you damaged that for her. To each his own....
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  #13  
October 2nd, 2013, 07:31 PM
MrsPea's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I read somewhere that infancy is not the time to teach independence it's the time to teach love and security, so it encouraged cuddling all you or baby wants. I'm all for that!

That said love and security is also taught and displayed over a whole lifetime, not just the first year! Give yourself a break, your daughter knows you love her despite any CIO moments. If she isn't so cuddly now, it is probably just her personality.
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  #14  
October 2nd, 2013, 08:09 PM
ILoveStorm2011's Avatar Mack :)
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I cuddle Phe all the time. She doesnt have a grasp on everything so I definitely dont mind. Sometimes, like when she was under the bililights I would wait and see though if she would stop because she was not able to be swaddled at the open evironment was a shock to her.
I might try CIO when the baby is 8-12 months if I think its necessary only because i have a friend who, at like 16 months, still only says she gets like 3 hours of sleep because f her son waking up to cry. i dont know her whole situation (like maybe a valid excuse) but at that age i think i would at least actively try to remedy that, if she is simply just not wanting to hear him cry.
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  #15  
October 2nd, 2013, 08:10 PM
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I have also read that a very young infant needs to be cuddled and cannot be spoiled like a one year old or even six month old might. I feel that under six months is a time to build that trust and security for the baby. I am not a mother who spoils her kids, so really I just feel this way for the infant stage. I do CIO once the baby is at least six months old, no sooner than that.
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  #16  
October 2nd, 2013, 08:35 PM
joonzgurl's Avatar Proud mama of 2 girls
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I don't do cry it out, partly because of my education (I will be a registered psychologist in the next 2 years) and partly because of my experience with my daughter.

I always comforted her when needed, still do (she is 25 months). I nursed her to sleep for over a year and up until last month one of us layed down with her until she fell asleep. She STTN every night as long as she is not teething or sick. It was a lot of work, she didn't STTN until 16 months but it was natural and it happened without me forcing her to. The independence does come.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about what you choose to do with your daughter- you did what you felt was best. Just follow your guy, each baby is different.

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  #17  
October 2nd, 2013, 10:04 PM
slmehaffey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i wouldn't worry too much about your older daughter, it isn't like you are neglecting her... (just curious how old is she?) I've read kids that are responded to quickly are the ones that are most confident to leave their parents, so far both of mine seem confident..though I'm no expert and have only my kids to go by..lol.
You do what you feel is best, and each kid is so different regardless of you doing everything the same. You are being the best mom you can be for each of your daughters, nothing is changing in that regard. I had to (and still do) do thing SO differently with my daughter than I did with my son, and not for gender reasons but personality reasons... my daughter is a cuddly little thing but also the most stubborn little girl ever, my son is a mover and a shaker, but also sensitive to others.... they require such different methods of teaching....
I promise you are doing well just thinking about this!
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  #18  
October 3rd, 2013, 05:23 AM
jamieshalon2's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I never did the CIO method either and my kids are very independent. Especially my oldest son. My middle son needs a little more coddling than the other 2, but that is just personality differences. It just wasn't my thing. I never chastised those who did CIO, hey it worked for them, and I am sure their kids are just as healthy as mine.
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  #19  
October 4th, 2013, 05:21 AM
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You cannot hold a newborn too much. And as a newborn they should not be let go to just cry it out. There are times when they will cry like in the car seat or something but we are still trying to comfort him some how. It breaks my heart to hear him cry, so I will feed and cuddle him all day long.

I had a really bad night with him the other night I had to have my hubby take him while I went ini the bathroom for a very good hard cry but I could hear him cry and I just needed to hold him.

We have never done a CIO on any of our kids and they are all very independent. Sometimes too independent!
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