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Arguments with SO about race?


Forum: Interracial Families

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  #1  
December 13th, 2010, 10:04 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I guess i will start by saying a little racial background about us both. i am black and SO is half white/half Mexican. Everyone in my immediate family is black but i went to a predominantly white high school (and when i say predominantly white, i mean i was 1 of 10 black kids in my entire high school when i graduated. There were no other races besides white.) SO went to a predominantly black school and has 2 adopted sisters and an adopted brother from Africa. So neither of us are very narrow-minded in our perspectives of race and race relations.

We still have little arguments about race every once in a while.

He thinks i am the more sensitive one about race and i think he is the more insensitive one sometimes. For example, we were looking at names for our son and i picked out "Jace" and he said "I don't want him to have a black name".

My first thought was, what makes Jace a "black name"? My second thought was, our son will be half black...so even if Jace is a black name, what is wrong with that. When he picked out spanish names i never once said, "i don't want him to have a mexican name"

He also uses the "N" word and it bothers me. I don't even use that word, ever. I have tried explaining it to him that it bothers me and why but he continues to say it. Even when he is singing it in a song, it upsets me. But anytime i call him out on saying it, he gets annoyed and we start an argument.

So i guess what i'm wondering is, do any of you girls in interracial relationships have similar problems/arguments? How do you deal with it? Do you think that it's not important enough to argue over?

And most importantly, how do handle race issues with your SO when it comes to your children ?
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  #2  
December 13th, 2010, 10:54 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Son of a itch! I just lost a long a.s.s. post that I typed up. Grrrr I'll respond again when I get home because now I have to get back to work.
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  #3  
December 13th, 2010, 04:23 PM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Son of a itch! I just lost a long a.s.s. post that I typed up. Grrrr I'll respond again when I get home because now I have to get back to work.
no problem. that happens to me all the time lol.
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  #4  
December 13th, 2010, 05:16 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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OK lets see if I can remember what I typed before. lol

DH and I haven't really had issues in the race department. I think it's because we view things pretty much the same in that regard. It's probably because we grew up in the same neighborhoods just on different sides of it. We both see most minorities to be equal, none are more special than the other.

Moving on to what I wrote about the name Jace. I don't even get how Jace is a "black" name. There is a girl in the debate boards that has a son names Jace and she's far from black. Maybe he has an issue with black culture. I only say this because I've known many Spanish families that have issues with it for some silly reason. He might not even realize that he has an issue, it could just be second nature to him. Seen that one before too.

I'm trying to remember the rest but I'm having a hard time right now. I guess this is just really a case of you need to pick your battles. If it's something that you can't just shrug off, then speak your mind. If you can let it go, then do just that, let it go. You can also try to just sit down and talk to him seriously, without arguing, about how you feel. Sometimes an argument stems from the tone in ones voice instead of the words being used. I know that when DH and I argue it's usually over the tone instead of the words.
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  #5  
December 14th, 2010, 09:34 AM
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I know a white guy named Jayce lol
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  #6  
December 23rd, 2010, 08:30 AM
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I agree with picking your battles but definitely speak your mind if something really offends you! He is your partner so he shouldnt be talking down about your culture. I never really had any issues with mine but I would probably definitely speak my mind. Especially because you dont want your son to shun your race when he is older. Sorry I guess I dont have any good advice!! But :hugs:
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  #7  
December 23rd, 2010, 11:20 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies for the advice!

I think you are both right about picking my battles. I know he doesn't mean anything by certain comments and i need to learn how to not be so defensive when i talk to him about this stuff. It's just such a touchy subject, i never really know how to go about it.

I'm most worried about when our son is older and maybe has some questions about his identity. I have no idea how we are going to tackle those issues TOGETHER and not work against eachother...
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  #8  
December 27th, 2010, 02:15 PM
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It's hard. my ex always said the 'one drop' rule, and I was like no, she's both....

as far as names I think some people will just have their opinions. I know when naming my oldest, my ex threw out a name and I looked at him and said that my(white) family needs to be able to spell it and pronounce it LOL. not meaning it in a bad way, just saying it was a little out there even for me and I like different names/spellings.

hopefully as time passes you'll find a groove for you two to get into with it, and it'll just come.
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  #9  
December 28th, 2010, 09:30 PM
Adriana's Mommy's Avatar I <3 my kids
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I'm sorry your going through all of this..

I personally have never had a problem with race issues with my DH... He did want to name my son a traditional Mexican name because that's what his mom wanted.. But I said no.. We did come to an agreement with the name Anthony.. I do get irritated when his family calls him Antonio.. But I just deal with it until they leave..

But we do get into heated discussions about illegal immigration.. I've learned we'll never be on the same side with that issue.. lol
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  #10  
December 28th, 2010, 10:37 PM
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I only know of one Jace(maybe spelled Jase?) I always thought it was short for Jason. He's white btw.

As far as the N word. Personally that would be a major breaking point in my relationship. 100% unacceptable. 100% disrespectful to you AND to your unborn baby. I don't think that is something you should let slide. Do you want him saying that to your son? Because he will, and eventually your son will say it too...You should pick your battles and personally I think this is a battle worth fighting.
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  #11  
January 2nd, 2011, 12:20 PM
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Ive never been in a relationship where it has been a problem but I would have a big time problem with the N word no matter what. That is never ok with me. I have no other advice. LOL
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  #12  
January 18th, 2011, 08:00 PM
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My husband and I don't disagree very often about racial issues. We never have any real arguments about it but we do sometimes have debates (with no hard feelings involved) when we differ in opinion on certain issues. I am white. DH is black. I think the last thing we disagreed on was when that radio guy (forgot his name) got fired for making the "nappy headed ho's" comment about the UCONN women's b-ball team. I absolutely thought firing him was appropriate but DH thought that he should have been fined and repremanded but not fired and that it was an example of how overly sensitive our society has become. We had a pretty heated debate but it wasn't ugly.
As far as names, when we started having children it was important to DH that we not use any names that sounded "too far to either side." As I stated I'm white but I'm also half Italian...and that was the side I was raised around. Anyways, DH's rule is that we can't use names that sound "black" or are "Italian sounding". We have, for the most part stuck to that, though I did sway him a bit with Mia's name (her full first name is Maria as it was my grandma's name). And our second son is named Albert Emanuel IV..which we were happy to use as it was a family name. Sometimes we disagree when he thinks a name sounds too far to one side but I feel its widely used across the board....
As far as kids, we work pretty hard at making sure our kids understand that there is a difference between what society says and what is true. Society might say they are one thing, but the reality is that they are 50% mom's genes and 50% dad's genes and are equally mixed. What that actually means for them is up to them. Not us. Some times we run into issues with family members on both sides but we stick to what we think is right for our family.
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  #13  
May 22nd, 2011, 07:54 PM
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I dont believe my husband and I have ever had a argument over race issues. I was taught by my grandma never to use the N word and to love and respect everyone regardless of color.
I am sorry your having to deal with that and I agree with the other ladys that he should not be making racist remarks like that.
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