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I dont even really know where to start. Im just so confused and scared. I never would have thought it would have turned out like this. A year and a half of ttc, and THIS is what I get???
Bicornuate uterus. Two days ago, I didnt even know what it was, and today it is consuming me. I feel impending doom closing in on me. I feel like I should just give up. Maybe I should just end this pregnancy and go back on birth control. Im obviously not meant to have children. In all reality, I probably wont have to end the pregnancy, it will happen on its own. There are too many things wrong... My stupid F*ing uterus, the baby implanting too high (or possibly in the tube), that elusive heartbeat... Its just not meant to be.
Poor DH. He is trying sooo hard to stay positive and keep me positive. He told me that whenever I start feeling scared or sad to just repeat this mantra over and over:
"There is only one outcome, we WILL have a healthy baby".
But it doesnt make me feel better. It makes me feel like Im lying. Id rather not kid myself...I feel it in my gut. I cant have children...
Why me? Why do I have to be in that 3%?
3%... Ive never had very good luck. But really?
Im going to tell my mom soon, but I dont want to break her heart. She wants grandchildren so bad, and Im her only hope of getting any. I really thought when I saw that BFP, it was good news. It turns out to be some of the worst news Ive ever recieved. And because of that, Im feeling resentment towards this poor little doomed bean inside me.
I really need a miracle.
Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3
We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
My heart is truly breaking for you I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, emotionally! Nobody deserves this! When I read your post, the one thing that keeps going through my mind, which is something I live by, due to circumstances in my life (death of both parents at a young age, my daughters incurable medical condition that I know I did not cause, but still somehow manage to blame myself for etc...) is this: Everything happens for a reason! Believe me, I know that doesn't help or make you feel better or make you have that lightbulb moment because I've been in similar situations where you've been, where the world has stood still and you feel like the earth has opened up underneath your feet and swallowed you whole. You wish you could rewind just 5 minutes and go to life how it was before, when everything was perfect and now you are here, left to deal with everything, what honestly feels like, all by yourself. I KNOW that feeling all too well. I lived that feeling 5 years ago. My heart broke that day. I was forever changed that day! I am not that same person anymore. I have a new life now.
I can tell you that as alone and scared as I felt, I knew I wasn't alone. I researched, I googled and yes, that first night I shouldn't have. I bawled like a baby, finding others who are going through the same thing as me. I kept shaking my head, saying that that wasn't MY life. I wouldn't do those things. In reality, I am glad I found others dealing with the same issues, the same emotions, the same fears.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is that you are not alone in what you are going through right now. I know it feels that way, but you are not alone!!! Sometimes it helps you to surround yourself with others who know exactly what you are dealing with. I really, truly pray that you find some support from others who have been in your situation.
We may not know the answers today or tomorrow and we may never know, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
Sending you lots of positve thoughts and hugs!!! I will be praying for you every day! You deserve a little miracle!!!
Its over...well almost. The doctor told me yesterday that my baby has passed. Just when I was finding courage, and peace, and finally actually starting to belive that everything was going to work out. I had so many people praying for this baby.
Ive never had a m/c and I havent m/c yet. Sitting around waiting for it is much harder and scarier than I exected it would be. The doctor wants to send me to a specialist who deals only with uterine malformations. He will get a good look at my uterus and see if it can be repaired by surgery.
I have taken a lot of comfort in the sentiment that everything happens for a reason. I certainly dont understand it now, but hopefully some day, the reason will be made clear.
Im also looking into some counseling. I definitely could be dealing with this in a better way. Im trying really hard, but I cant see myself pulling out of all of this very easily. I feel shattered. Like Im a thousand little pieces. It will take a long time before Im able to find all those pieces and put myself back together.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I have thought about you every day, wondering how you are doing. My thoughts and prayers have been with you and will continue to be with you! Just remember, you are not alone. We are all here for you if you need some support! Sending you lots of HUGS!!!