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It was even worse than I thought =( !!!!!


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  #21  
July 3rd, 2011, 05:28 PM
everafter's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by manicmama View Post
Sounds like you two have a unique relationship and are able to still talk reasonably openly, which is a good start.

You knew that he wouldn't be thrilled, and he isn't. But from what you have said, he sounds like he is not the type to leave you high and dry. So if it were me, I would make every headway I could to get myself into a good space, just to show him you can, even when pg. I know getting a job might be hard, but perhaps just demonstrating that you "get it" by saving money will help over time...?

I know this may not be a popular opinion, but "its not over till its over" and a lot can happen in the coming months as the baby grows. I would try to keep calm and rational (as a pg woman can!) as the months go by. I also agree with the other poster who suggested counseling. If there is still love there, a counselor could help you get over/work through the other seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Is he amenable to counseling at all?

Anyway, good luck with everything. I will pray that he realizes what a blessing that is coming his way.
He didn't want to go to counseling back during the divorce, he definitely won't go now.....he made it a point to tell me "we're divorced"....

Well, after the awful talk last night, I was sitting here doing homework when he came upstairs to go to bed....I figured he would go sleep in the spare, but he didn't....he slept in our bed....I went to bed a little later....

He was a little edgy in the morning, not talking to me (and I didn't talk to him), but he was a little unfair to our oldest and was slamming kitchen cabinets slightly....

At some point in time he came upstairs and laid in bed watching TV with our oldest.....

I needed something from E. and asked him for it in a little annoyed manner, but told him I don't need it until tomorrow, so he doesn't have to go do it now, but he did anyway....he talked to me with this depressed tone of voice.....

At 2:30 pm I got really tired and laid on the couch and fell asleep.....

After a while my son came out saying daddy's taking a shower now and getting ready for work, so he went to watch cartoons elsewhere.....

Then E. came out of the bedroom and saw me and said in a nice tone "Why don't you lay in the bedroom? It's much cooler in there." (do I hear concern ???? )

I said "No, thank you" all sleepy, but moved in there when he left for work.....

I had another (prophetic ????) dream....this time, I was still living in the house....we were getting along well, like we used to.....I hope this dream means something.....

Maybe he really does need a little time to process and come to grips with it....

All I know I will do everything that I can right now to save, save, save, to prove him, I can do it....

And....I will ONLY care about myself now....not him anymore....because if he DOES decide to get rid of me for real now, then I have to be prepared.....

I hope he didn't mean all these awful things he said last night.....

PS. I am already working full time, but am also going to college full time....I am making money, but it's tight....
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  #22  
July 3rd, 2011, 05:42 PM
~SarahDid~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you told him and that it's out in the open now so that's one less thing you have to stress about. Your situation is very unique and only you know what you want. I think it's a good idea to focus on you and the baby now and if he comes around you'll be there, and if he doesn't then maybe the disappointment won't be as bad. I don't know your ex personally so I can't speak for him, however with the small comments it would seem to me that he still cares but may have some anger issues to work through.

I've been thinking about you and I'm still crossing my fingers for an outcome that will make you and your ex both genuinely happy. Take it one day at a time girl. You're doing a great job by working and going to school full time on top of being a pregnant mother, do you know how commendable that is? I applaud you and your achievements because it's hard to admit your faults, kick old habits aside and then take progressive actions to right the wrongs. You're a hero in my eyes and I just hope you can see the good in yourself and I pray that one day he'll see it too.
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  #24  
July 3rd, 2011, 09:38 PM
everafter's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jess_ken View Post
I truely hope he fully comes around, but I am glad you are working and going to school, and bettering yourself for your sake, for your family's sake, and for the future's sake.
Your ex doesn't sound like a bad guy, he just seems unsure of what direction his life is going in, and I hope he is able to figure it out soon!

No....he's not a bad guy at all....

He joined the Army at 17....has been in for 24 years.....he's always been working hard (overachiever) and saving his money for something big....

Then he got married at 19 to a woman 13 years older ....she saw the opportunity young kid with not a lot of experience, but a lot of money already....she used him BIG time, she is a convicted fellon, which he had no clue of, she married him under a false name and when he found out, got divorced and married her again under her real name (another big mistake).....in the end, when he realized he's made the biggest mistake with her (after 10 years) he started divorce proceedings again and she tried to run him over with the car, smash his head in and took all his valuables, including his re-einlistement bonus.....

She was granted half of his pension at the divorce because his lawyer was paid off by her and he got screwed over yet again.....

So when I made the mistake of not saving but spending (mine only) my money and he found out that I was actually in debt, I guess he freaked and saw history repeating itself and he wanted to divert it by divorcing me as fast as possible....

Anyway....as I said, he's always been a good guy and I know he's just trying to protect himself, but....he doesn't realize, if he's just a little bit more patient with me, I'll be what I always should have been.....

I used to be pretty hot....(if I can believe the male attention I got)....I was 115-120 lbs (at 25), always had a FF, and was a really sweet, kind girl (not stuck up or anything).....

That's how he met me....and after some years of marriage and 2 kids, I turned into the 220 lbs, running around in sweats most of the time, bit*chin' about everything kinda girl....I was not happy with myself, so how could he be happy with me....but I was stuck in this rut....

When he asked for a divorce I had a major wake-up call....I was about to lose the love of my life....for what....2 hours of sleep instead of 2 hours of gym or school.....

I started making changes right away and he noticed....

I went down to 165 lbs and started college classes.....I started paying off some debt, but it's going slow...but hey, at least I'm not making more debt, that's a big accomplishment for me, but he doesn't see it this way....he just sees I don't have anything saved yet....

He makes 3 times more the money I make, plus overtime jobs at $ 45 an hour....he can afford to save.....

But, as I said....I'll try everything to change my life around even more now.....

I love him and I always will....we'll see what happens.....

Expect the worst, hope for the best.....
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  #26  
July 5th, 2011, 06:09 AM
vickwithpc's Avatar Super Mommy
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Sorry your open talk with your ex didn't go as you had hoped. I had my fingers crossed for you too!!! I'm hoping that his reaction doesn't lead to immediate action, that he just needs time to process it all.

As for money, my DH and I used to be terrible at it. Spent it as soon as it came in. We took a Dave Ramsey financial peace class, and it changed our marriage, communication, and our life. It was a 13 week class, only 1 week was on budgeting, every week it was a different topic. We have since facilitated the class 3 times and still get something out of it. So of course, I'm going to recommend seeing if there's a class in your area because it was exactly what we needed. Financial Peace University - daveramsey.com. Best wishes to you!!!!

Meanwhile, don't let the pg hormones get you done. Keep care of yourself!!
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  #27  
July 5th, 2011, 06:26 AM
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Just offering you some ((HUGS)). I know that wasn't an easy subject for you to breech and I am sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped.
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  #28  
July 5th, 2011, 07:04 AM
anybodyinthere's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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If money really is THE issue with him, I agree that Financial Peace University is PERFECT. (Well, even if that's not his only issue, you need to do financial peace for yourself.)

Go to the site and print out the budget forms (I think they are under TOOLS) and start today just writing stuff down. It's super easy and I promise it works. You will be able to see progress really quickly and you will feel in control even before you have made a dent in your debt.

I paid off all my student loans, a large credit card AND paid off my car early using Financial Peace and I was single then!!! I only had my income and did all of that, so I know it works!

Quote:
Originally Posted by everafter View Post
No....he's not a bad guy at all....

He joined the Army at 17....has been in for 24 years.....he's always been working hard (overachiever) and saving his money for something big....

Then he got married at 19 to a woman 13 years older ....she saw the opportunity young kid with not a lot of experience, but a lot of money already....she used him BIG time, she is a convicted fellon, which he had no clue of, she married him under a false name and when he found out, got divorced and married her again under her real name (another big mistake).....in the end, when he realized he's made the biggest mistake with her (after 10 years) he started divorce proceedings again and she tried to run him over with the car, smash his head in and took all his valuables, including his re-einlistement bonus.....

She was granted half of his pension at the divorce because his lawyer was paid off by her and he got screwed over yet again.....

So when I made the mistake of not saving but spending (mine only) my money and he found out that I was actually in debt, I guess he freaked and saw history repeating itself and he wanted to divert it by divorcing me as fast as possible....

Anyway....as I said, he's always been a good guy and I know he's just trying to protect himself, but....he doesn't realize, if he's just a little bit more patient with me, I'll be what I always should have been.....

I used to be pretty hot....(if I can believe the male attention I got)....I was 115-120 lbs (at 25), always had a FF, and was a really sweet, kind girl (not stuck up or anything).....

That's how he met me....and after some years of marriage and 2 kids, I turned into the 220 lbs, running around in sweats most of the time, bit*chin' about everything kinda girl....I was not happy with myself, so how could he be happy with me....but I was stuck in this rut....

When he asked for a divorce I had a major wake-up call....I was about to lose the love of my life....for what....2 hours of sleep instead of 2 hours of gym or school.....

I started making changes right away and he noticed....

I went down to 165 lbs and started college classes.....I started paying off some debt, but it's going slow...but hey, at least I'm not making more debt, that's a big accomplishment for me, but he doesn't see it this way....he just sees I don't have anything saved yet....

He makes 3 times more the money I make, plus overtime jobs at $ 45 an hour....he can afford to save.....

But, as I said....I'll try everything to change my life around even more now.....

I love him and I always will....we'll see what happens.....

Expect the worst, hope for the best.....
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  #29  
July 5th, 2011, 07:05 AM
swade66's Avatar My friends call me HIRB.
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Sorry it didn't go better. Like the other ladies said...don't worry about him worry about you and your baby. Get better financially for YOU and your children NOT for him.
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  #30  
July 5th, 2011, 07:30 AM
LilBecca's Avatar Veteran
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. But don't think it's all your fault hun. It does take two to tango. I agree that maybe he just needs a little time to let this sink in. Men don't always say what they mean when they're faced with a potential life change like this. For some it's just too much to handle at once and they respond with what else? Anger. I hope everything works out for you, and remember, try NOT to over stress yourself. I know easier said than done, but it's not good for your little bean. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  #31  
July 5th, 2011, 10:15 AM
hotpinktulips's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Nothing I can say will help you feel better about this awful situation. I was hoping this baby was a sign that the two of you would be a happy family again... this post makes me very sad. I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  #32  
July 5th, 2011, 11:05 AM
-3-Hearts's Avatar She's Country.....
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did you say youre still living with him? Do you have any family or friends you can stay with till you get your own place? girl, staying there with him is only giving him free housekeeping and a free cook. don't let him do you that way!
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  #33  
July 5th, 2011, 01:21 PM
everafter's Avatar Super Mommy
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He came home Sunday night, I was still doing homework....he got into the pool, then asked me in a nice tone if I fed the dogs yet....he went to bed (master bedroom !!!)....At about 3 am I followed....I laid down and thought about everything....

He started coming closer to my side.....

And a little more....

And a little more....

Every time he did, I moved away a little more....

Finally I was scrunched up by the headboard because he had his leg all across my side of the bed....would have been across my legs if I hadn't scrunched up....

It got to uncomfortable, so I got up, put a blanket on the floor, put my pillows down and laid on the floor....

No 2 seconds later he turned around and laid back on his side...

I guess he's not that pissed at me anymore or otherwise he would have been sleeping on his side all night, right on the edge....

Very weird !!!!!!

I can't read him at all....

He seems indifferent today.....like he's unhappy I didn't react to his attempt (???) Sunday night.....

He's not one to say I'm sorry.....he does it in other ways...like cuddling....

I went through his texts he's sent me just the 29th of May and there he asks me whether I'm still willing to stick with this or whether I have changed my mind (about us ?!?!).....

And he said, that he won't make a decision about adopting another dog until we've talked about us.....now we have 2 new dogs....

He included me in all kinds of decisions here lately (dogs, renovation etc.) and then he tells me it was never about reconciliation between us ?!?!?!?!

I don't believe him......

I will definitely check out Dave Ramsey.....thanks !!!!!!!!
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  #34  
July 5th, 2011, 01:24 PM
-3-Hearts's Avatar She's Country.....
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are you actually legally divorced?

you need to get out of that mess. people who are divorced dont live together and sleep in the same bed. thats waaaay to convenient for him
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  #35  
July 5th, 2011, 05:43 PM
everafter's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~*~Brittany~*~ View Post
are you actually legally divorced?

you need to get out of that mess. people who are divorced dont live together and sleep in the same bed. thats waaaay to convenient for him
Yes, we are ....

We are living together because after he submitted the final paperwork things happened and we grew closer again....which made him reconsider and ask for reconciliation.

Everything was going fine until I had to tell him about this little surprise....
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  #36  
July 5th, 2011, 05:55 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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"It got to uncomfortable, so I got up, put a blanket on the floor, put my pillows down and laid on the floor...."

Ok girl. I'm confused. Do you or do you not want to make things work with him?
My dh doesn't apologize either. He does it with cuddling or hugging or loving on me.
If we are mad and we go to bed, he keeps inching towards until he's holding me.
That's his way of being sorry. He also has a ******* way of apologizing. He says "I accept your apology".
Anyway I am just confused why you got in the floor? From what I read you wNt it to work. If he's trying to come around, is pushing him away the best way to deal?
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  #37  
July 5th, 2011, 06:41 PM
-Anna-'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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^^I agree. I also think that you two need to sit down and have an adult talk about where to go from here.
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  #38  
July 5th, 2011, 07:37 PM
-3-Hearts's Avatar She's Country.....
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yep make him man up. he can accept things and try to make them work, or someone needs to move out so everyone can move on and you can stop with the mixed signals and stuff
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  #39  
July 5th, 2011, 10:35 PM
everafter's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post
"It got to uncomfortable, so I got up, put a blanket on the floor, put my pillows down and laid on the floor...."

Ok girl. I'm confused. Do you or do you not want to make things work with him?
My dh doesn't apologize either. He does it with cuddling or hugging or loving on me.
If we are mad and we go to bed, he keeps inching towards until he's holding me.
That's his way of being sorry. He also has a ******* way of apologizing. He says "I accept your apology".
Anyway I am just confused why you got in the floor? From what I read you wNt it to work. If he's trying to come around, is pushing him away the best way to deal?

You know what....I don't know why I did it....

I was soooo upset about his words.....I sat here until 3 am reading his texts, his words when he asked to reconcile, over and over again, trying to figure out which was the truth...his ugly words Saturday night or when he asked to reconcile and his actions (deep meaningful looks, laughing, smiling, flirting).....

I got more mad every minute and I didn't want to let him think I'd forget so easily....

But the next day I was thinking....what have I done ???

He "apologizes" the same way (like your dh) and I probably ruined it all, because....I DO want him !!!!

I'd sooo hard.....

I don't want him to think I'm his doormat and just let him say these ugly things to me, but I also don't want to turn him away

I wish I could wake up from this awful dream.....
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  #40  
July 6th, 2011, 05:51 AM
TNTGarner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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As much as that probably wasnt the right thing to do... i totally understand why you (or anyone) would have that reaction. Words hurt... its hard to be physical with someone that talks that way. All you can do is take it one day at a time. If he initiated that night... we can hope he does again. This time you are emotionally prepared. You can better yourself... actions speak louder than words. And that wont hurt you. I truly hope he comes around.
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