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big fat vent (need advice - long)


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  #1  
July 25th, 2011, 02:26 PM
iscah's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: May 2011
Location: VA
Posts: 255
Hey everyone...

I know that I'm not a super regular poster here, but I do feel comfortable asking for and taking advice from all of the BTDT mamas on the board and other pregnant "girlfriends" who are going through similar situations.

First of all, I want to make it clear that this baby is WANTED and will be LOVED! I didn't plan on having a child right now, but that doesn't mean that this baby will be welcomed into a family who will love, nurture, and adore it.

Secondly, I know that there are girls out there who try, try, try, and try again to get pregnant and can't or it takes a lot of invasive/emotionally strenuous procedures and trials before they DO get pregnant, and I mean no disrespect to women in this situation... which, I feel is COMPLETELY different than when a pregnancy is completely accidental and not expected.

With that said, I have GOT to unburden myself or I think I'll pop! I've been feeling so guilty about these feelings lately.... I have just been feeling SO BLAH about being pregnant. Everyone asks me "aren't you so excited!" "I'll bet this is so exciting!" etc. and other versions of the same. I am certainly happy and blessed to be able to carry a healthy baby and have this child who will be very loved... but, I am NOT happy to be pregnant. I just feel so "WHATEVER" about it. I can't get very excited to the point where I want to talk about it a lot. I'm terrified more than anything! I've been sick and miserable... my body just isn't my own. I feel like there are too many things changing too fast! My sickness is affecting my work, which in turn is affecting my financial situation and day-to-day activities. My boyfriend is super excited about this pregnancy and baby to come, but I can't help feeling resentful that he just has NO idea what it physically feels like for me to be so miserable and feel trapped in my own body. My libido has taken such a downturn... I love sex, but lately, all I can think about is that my body is not my own and can't seem to relax when we get intimate. My face and body have exploded with acne, and I feel totally UNsexy despite the fact that my boyfriend tells me how pretty and sexy I am.

I feel resentful that my entire life is about to change without a plan... I feel like I'm going to have to give up so much of my life to this little person that I wasn't totally ready for! I'm so scared that I'm going to be a bad mom or that my unborn child can feel these negative feelings I'm feeling! All I keep thinking about is the prize at the end of this pregnancy. I do NOT want to be pregnant. I wish that the stork was a true story and just dropped off the baby so that I could skip over this whole part. Nothing is fun about pregnancy to me... except for the day the baby actually gets here. I feel like my whole life is topsy turvy.

I feel guilty even having these thoughts, because society grooms us pregnant moms to be SO HAPPY and glowing and just LOVING bringing this new life into the world. They show pregnant ladies just caressing their bellies and smiling with joy. In between trying not to throw up and constantly worrying about not gaining weight, constipation, acne, constantly peeing, mood swings, etc... I just can't even picture myself feeling so content to be pregnant! Arrrgh!

PLEASE tell me other people are feeling similar feelings and that I'm not crazy. I KNOW that the final product is going to be worth it... I do!! But, for the time being, I am just plain miserable and cannot wait for pregnancy to be over!! It makes me sad because I'm not sure if I ever want to go through this again, but I don't want my child to be an only child just because I'm too much of a wus to do this twice!

Thanks for reading (listening) if you got this far. It feels good just to write it all out. Can someone give me some reassurance that I am not a horrible and crazy woman for having these thoughts?
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  #2  
July 25th, 2011, 02:34 PM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Left Coast
Posts: 816
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have had similar feelings this pregnancy. Even though we already have kids, getting pregnant this time was kind of a shock. Especially since we were totally on board with TTC prior to getting pregnant. But then life changed. Dh went back to school full time, and I was planning on going back myself. I was looking forward to getting my body back (my youngest wasn't even a year old when I got my BFP). I wanted to get in shape and wear a bikini this summer! Then... I got a BFP. I was in denial and angry for a long time. I didn't even want to tell anyone we were expecting, even our clsoe friends and family!

All that is to say, I understand where you are coming from. Everyone is in a different situation and you shouldn't be ashamed of your feelings. I'm hoping for your sake you get more attached to this pregnancy, maybe at your anatomy scan or when you are able to feel baby move around more. But, if you don't get to that point that's ok too. Everyone reacts differently. in regards to having more children, you just never know. Maybe the prize at the end of pregnancy is enough for you to want to get pregnant again one day. or maybe you will have to force yourself to do it. Or maybe you will decide that one is enough. I'm sure you will make the best choice for you no matter what!
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  #3  
July 25th, 2011, 02:44 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 419
You are NOT a horrible and crazy woman! I completely understand everything you said about feeling miserable. I don't completely relate to the surprise pregnancy aspect (all three of ours were planned) but I absolutely get the "not enjoying pregnancy and just wanting it to be over" so I'll just speak to that. I literally HATE being pregnant. I love the idea of my body being able to provide a safe haven for my child to grow in, but the actual experience of being pregnant sucks for me. I have HG and throw up for the first half, then just feel nauseous and gross for the second half. I also have something called ptyalism, which means my body produces excess saliva and I spit all the time. On top of all that, I do have a great sex drive, but DH and I have done the deed twice (yes, seriously, only twice) since I've started not puking as much, and both times I ended up miserable the whole next day because of back and hip pain. There is also something wrong with my tailbone and I spend most of the day walking hunched over like a little old lady. All that just to let you know that not every woman's body responds well to being pregnant. Some women do get to feel that glowy, blissful stretch of months where they just love being pregnant, but some women don't. AND THAT'S OKAY.

As far as worrying about not wanting to do this again, I can almost gaurantee that eventually you will decide that it is worth it to have another child, if you really want one. This is our third, so I know what's waiting for me at the end and I do know that once I hold my baby, every second of this misery will be worth it. You can only guess that it will be. Don't beat yourself up for not being over the moon to be feeling nauseous and miserable. Just realize that this is what you have to get through, and no one has been pregnant forever. It will eventually end and you will have a beautiful, perfect little life to show for it.

One other thing...whether you enjoy pregnancy or not has no impact on what kind of mother you are going to be. Being pregnant and actually having the baby are two totally different experiences, and you can't choose how to feel while pregnant, but you can choose love and care for your baby once he or she is here.

Sorry for the novel, I just hate that any woman has to feel bad for not loving pregnancy, or for having mixed emotions about what it will be like to have a baby. Our emotions toward something do not define us, our actions do.
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  #4  
July 25th, 2011, 02:49 PM
mom 2 Caden & Jordynn
Join Date: May 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 200
I just want to say that I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I unexpectedly got pregnant by my husband who I have been separated from for over 2 years. I was hoping that when I gave him the news, he'd be okay with it at best, but sadly, that was not the case. He accused me of trying to get pregnant and being negligent. He stopped speaking to me completely and still has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy or the baby. All this was so hurtful and shocking that I immediately started to resent the baby. I was sick and miserable. Not at all happy to be pregnant. I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. It wasn't until I was 11 weeks and started bleeding that I got a wake up call. I realized that I didn't want to lose my baby. Even though my situation is difficult and much less than ideal, I still want to deliver a healthy baby. Since then I have been having lots of complications and continue to bleed regularly. I have become obsessed with protecting my baby. I still won't say I'm happy to be pregnant. That would be a lie. I am just more concerned about my baby. I can't wait for this to be over because I have not enjoyed a second of this pregnancy so far. This makes me feel so guilty because we have two other children together who were brought into a two parent, loving home. I was so happy during both of those pregnancies. I too wonder if my negative thoughts are affecting my baby in any way. I'm sorry I just wrote a book, I just wanted to share something that might help you. I'm so glad you shared your story because it allowed me to share mine which is something I've been too ashamed to admit until now. I really do wish you the best.

And BoppityBoo, what you said in your second paragraph was absolutely beautiful.
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  #5  
July 25th, 2011, 02:53 PM
corilyn's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,348
I'm so sorry. I will tell you your not alone in how you feel. I wanted to get pregnant so bad with my first and we were trying for along time and when I got pregnant it was so bad I was happy till my body was changing I couldn't think happy thoughts I was so miserable and I was feeling so bad I was like this is not normal. So I asked my ob if it was normal and he told me yes some woman aren't happy pregnant. He said his wife hated being pregnant and she is an ob too. I just think hormones take over and you can't think straight sometimes. People don't tell you it's hard work.
You might start feeling better later in the pregnancy, when you start to feel the baby. I was much happier when I knew what I was having and feeling the baby. I hope it does get better for you.
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  #6  
July 25th, 2011, 03:02 PM
AnnaandRyansMommy's Avatar Sarah
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,135
My first pregnancy and this pregnancy were both planned. That said, I was literally cursing my baby for over half my pregnant. Between the morning sickness, the kicks to the ribs, the back pain. I did not enjoy pregnancy. I enjoyed it for about 2 months in the middle, after the m/s and before she got really strong to kick my ribs so darn hard. Even at my anatomy scan I didn't feel what I thought I should. After the scan I remember telling my DH "Our baby looks like a weird monkey."

I know what you mean about wanting your baby, and loving your baby, but not the pregnancy. I wouldn't worry or feel bad about those feelings because things change once you have your baby and get to know him/her. I felt differently after DD was born, and then I grew to love her even more once I got to know her.

We tried for about 8 months to get pregnant the second time around and I feel even less connected with this pregnancy. But I have a lot more to worry about with my DD, finances, etc. I know I will love this baby, and so I am trying not to stress over it too much this time around.

I hope you feel better soon and your pregnancy gets easier.
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  #7  
July 25th, 2011, 03:08 PM
Ursie77's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 186
I think you' re an awesome Mommy, it takes a lot of guts to be honest with yourself.Plus what you're feeling is normal . My twins were unexpected blessings, but when I first held them in my arms... all the crappyness of pregnancy melted away. All I saw were two little babies that looked like me and DF (now DH).
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  #8  
July 25th, 2011, 03:13 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
I can't really say I've ever been unhappy to be pregnant except when I was so so sick and feeling terrible.
Then again all my pregnancies were planned.
I think what you are feeling is normal and ok.
Your feelings and what not might change as the pregnancy progresses and you start feeling legs and arms and seeing the baby.
They may not change then either.
But obviously you love this child since you are changing your life plans and altering your life to bring it in to this world and care for it.
So even though some of your feelings may not seem good to you, you're already doing what a good mom does. You are putting your baby first.
That's a start to a really good path.
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  #9  
July 25th, 2011, 03:45 PM
-3-Hearts's Avatar She's Country.....
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,084
I completely understand. we were not wanting to get pregnant for a long time. i was pretty resentful for the first month or so, it was really hard on me because i had started this new plan for my life and my familys life. then bam it was all gone. seeing the ultrasounds really do help, especially when you can actually see the baby moving around and just living inside you.
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  #10  
July 25th, 2011, 03:51 PM
MamaSugarplump's Avatar Jordan
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 981
I'm pretty much kinda like all the other women who have posted on here.

My pregnancy was 100% planned, but it happened pretty quickly. I'm so excited to be having a baby, but I don't really feel like a mom. I was just talking to my husband about this about a week ago. I'm plus sized so I don't have the cute baby bump, I just look fatter; I'm just now getting over the nausea; I'm sick with cold symptoms right now and every time I cough or sneeze I pee on myself; I'm severely constipated; I have fibromyalgia which makes me hurt all over and it was pretty controlled before with muscle relaxer and pain meds when needed (both of which I can't take right now, causing me to hurt all the time). So, I haven't enjoyed my pregnancy either. I do feel bad sometimes because I wanted this so badly and now I'm not a happy person.

So, pregnancy is not glamorous with hearts and butterflies. It's a pain in the rear (and soon our sides, stomachs, vaginas, etc. lol) but we will all soon have our rewards. Quit beating yourself up about negative feelings because you do sound like you're wanting to do what's best for your child, even if it makes you feel bad right now.
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  #11  
July 25th, 2011, 03:58 PM
Chellie's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 438
This is my first pregnancy, and it was planned.

That said, some days I do not like being pregnant at all.
I look at myself in the mirror sometimes... at my growing belly and the bloat and the breaking out every-freaking-where and my lopsided boobs and I wonder who the (bleep) that is looking back at me. I have wild mood swings that I can't control; I get mad for the stupidest (bleeping) reasons, I cry when the smallest thing goes wrong, I get snippy at DF, and all the while my brain is going "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY LADY?????" but I can't seem to help myself! I want sex alllll the time but I can't imagine why DF would want to do the nasty with a bloaty, pimply, pissy pregnant lady with lopsided tatas.
I worry constantly that I'm going to suck as a Mommy. Constantly. I worry that I'm going to do everything wrong. I worry that I won't be able to figure out how to BF, how to potty train, how to properly discipline. Am I going to be too hovering and strict? Will try too hard to be "cool" and wind up not giving the child proper parental guidance?
I'm terrified of postpartum depression because I have such a long and severe history of regular old depression. I worry even though both my OB and my nutritionist are aware of my history and I know that they'll be there to prescribe any needed medications and refer me to counseling if necessary.

So, yes, some days I'm unhappy and scared to death.

Other days I recognize that even though I'm bloaty, pimply, pissy, and lopsided that DF still can't keep his hands off me.
I recognize that the crazy hormones make me moody, and that it's not my fault.
I'm not bloated every day. Some days, even with the breakouts, I look pretty freakin' fantastic and, even a little lopsided, I have great jugs right now.
I remember that I've been great with kids since I was a kid myself helping take care of my little sister, and that people have been telling me for years that I'm a natural Mommy.
I realize that evolution has placed the odds in my favor that I won't screw up anything major.

I enjoy the good days, and I deal with the crummy days. That's really all you can do, I think.


*hugs* to you!!
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  #12  
July 25th, 2011, 04:17 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,364
You should never, ever feel guilty for your feelings! I'm one of those people you mentioned that has suffered years of infertility, two losses (one wasn't until 21 weeks) and definitely planned this pregnancy. However there are still days i wake up sick as a dog and just want it to be over. Or other days where i am so anxious over how we will pay for two kids in daycare, etc. that i have a complete panick attack. I'm also terrified of another loss and the emotional strain it puts on the entire family. I know my feelings often contradict themselves, but they are mine and I deal with them. This is a great place to vent because you can totally be yourself and no one should ever judge you for being as scared, resentful, excited, exhausted, etc that you are feeling. Also hormones play a big role in it all!
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  #13  
July 25th, 2011, 04:27 PM
vickwithpc's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 651
(((hugs to you)))))
Never apologize for feelings....we preggo women are full of them! And they change too, so can't wait to find out how you feel in a few more months!!!
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  #14  
July 25th, 2011, 05:31 PM
~*~Tracy~*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Alberta
Posts: 5,272
((hugs)) Sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed! Pregnancy is a crazy time and stirs up some crazy emotions in us all. This is my 4th pregnancy and my first unplanned one! It took me a few weeks to get over my shock but if it was my first and unplanned it could have taken much longer. I will say that I HATE the first trimester. I always (except this time!) get horribly sick and feel like cr*p....I have zero libido or energy and am very irritable. Give yourself time to adjust and get past the sick stage. Sometimes a connection between mom and baby isn't immediate. In pregnancy, I don't glow....I sweat and it isn't pretty . Feel free to pm any time you're feeling down!!
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  #15  
July 25th, 2011, 05:32 PM
Mrs. Harris's Avatar Praying for #2
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Location: SoCal
Posts: 883
You don't have to love being pregnant to love your baby or be a good mom! Tons of get pregnant before they are ready and hate the whole pregnancy but turn into amazing moms! Your hormones play a huge part in how you feel emotionally about it and you can't control it so don't feel bad. I bet you will enjoy it a little more once you get into the second trimester and feel the baby move a lot! It will go by faster than you think and that beautiful baby will make you forget everything
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  #16  
July 25th, 2011, 05:59 PM
Brooke16's Avatar Love my boys!
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Location: MICHIGAN
Posts: 2,525
I think it is perfectly normal to have a little resentment and to be nervous. I think I was like that with my first as well. I just didn't know if I could do it and on top of everything give up the life of being able to go anywhere I wanted, whenever and the like. I worried how my relationship would be effected and how my life in general would. I love my son more than anything and I love the baby in my belly, but there are times when I'm a little more than jealous of my husband that he can just go anywhere anytime and I have to stay home with Brock. It seems my husband's activities take priority over mine at times and if I have something planned then I'm responsible for coming up with a babysitter if DH can't stay home with him. But it is all worth it.
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  #17  
July 25th, 2011, 07:24 PM
MamaRed's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 472
My pregnancy was totally planned, but it is our first and happened much faster than we expected so it was a bit of a shock when it happened. I wasn't excited for a while and still find it hard to be excited about it because pregnancy sucks IMO. People ask me all the time "hoe it's going" and I tell them fine except for the two months of nausea countless weeks of constipation and bloating, etc., etc. and that I can't believe people do this more than once on purpose!! Lol!

I'm also still a little terrified about being responsible for another human life which makes it a little harder to be excited. I can't even keep the plants alive. I'm hoping that finding out the gender will make it all more real for me and help me make a stronger connection to the baby.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. But like you say, if we all can just focus on the prize at the end hopefully it won't be so bad. I hope we've all helped you feel a little better and that tomorrow is a better day for you!!!
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  #18  
July 25th, 2011, 08:55 PM
heatherj101604's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 680
I agree with everyone here, your feelings are normal and you should not feel guilty. This pregnancy was not planned for us..we had a loss in 2008 and 2009 we had our son Jameson..I told DH I could not go through that again. The constant fear and worring. Well surprise Im going through it again... I have my moment where I sit and cry b/c I don't know if I can handle the stress of 2 preteens fighting all the time and a toddler entering his terrible two's, plus now having an infant again.Pregnancy can be overwhelming, and I hope you have ppl in your life that you can lean on in those times of fear and frustration. I wish you the best.
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  #19  
July 25th, 2011, 09:09 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Australia
Posts: 4,535
just wanted tom ditto the other girls and add my support. the fact that you care so much already, shows that you will be a good mum.
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  #20  
July 25th, 2011, 09:15 PM
-Anna-'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 8,039
I can tell you that we tried and tried for this baby. Even had a loss to get to where I am and I feel exactly like you do. I can't get past the "whatever" feeling. I really think that it's just a second pregnancy thing. I also find myself thinking WTH was I thinking?!? Why did I want another one? I already have my hands full.

I think that things will even out and all fall into place when we have our babies. Hang in there and don't feel guilty for your feelings.
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