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Father not adjusting?


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  #1  
August 8th, 2011, 06:35 PM
Kitusne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My bf of two years had a bit of a crisis after telling his family about the pregnancy. They spent a week (at least) yelling at him, and telling him to tell me to abort, at 12+ weeks in. He also keeps telling me he is not ready to be a father and does not want the baby. We never once used a condom or any form of birth control. I feel so deeply hut and betrayed, and still love him despite the unending pain of the situation. I refused an abortion, and basically had an emotional breakdown and screamed at him for the insult since he knows how I feel about that. My refusal to abort and our interactions over the past week or so have put a huge strain on the relationship.

Did any of you ladies have trouble with the father adjusting at first? or have any of you gone through a pregnancy and raising a baby alone?
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  #2  
August 8th, 2011, 06:49 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope that your boyfriend is just scared right now and will come around and support you and stand up to his family. I wish I could be of more help.
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  #3  
August 8th, 2011, 06:51 PM
safarilime's Avatar Super Mommy
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Wow i am so very sorry you are going through that.. when my boyfriend and i found out we were very scared i cried and he did it best to tell me how wonderful its going to be us. Please do whatever your heart tells you to do, dont let someone talk you into doing something that you will regret later. Time heals alot and i know not everyone is excited when they find out there pregnant but when you become a parent its the most important thing you will ever do in your life. You are going to have a new best friend for life. Give your boyfriend the space he needs to think and he might come around but you need to be strong for you and your baby! I will pray for you, hoping the best. LOTS OF HUGS!
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  #4  
August 8th, 2011, 06:57 PM
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Hugs
I never been in your situation but stay strong
U will be a wonderful mom with or without the support of your boyfriend.
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  #5  
August 8th, 2011, 07:04 PM
HonestMamma's Avatar Bish!
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I have raised an infant alone. It is not easy. However, it's better than raising a child in an enviornment where it isn't wanted.

You need to have a serious "come to Jesus" talk with your BF. If he really does not want the responsibility of fatherhood and you really don't want to give this baby up for adoption or abort it, then you need to think about asking him to terminate his rights and do this by yourself. Becomming a parent is a HUGE decision for both parties. It isn't fair for one party to force the other to be a parent, and even if you go through with the pregnancy, you can't force him to be a part of your child's life. Honestly, if he is telling you now he doesn't want the baby, it's not like he is going to magically change his mind. Having doubts about one's parenting ability is one thing, but ademently telling you he doesn't want to be a parent is entirely different.

You need to listen to him with an open mind. Talk (not fight) about what his wants and expectations are. If he truly doesn't want to be a dad, then you have some tough decisions to make on your own. It won't be easy. I wish you lots of luck.
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  #6  
August 8th, 2011, 07:11 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this, hon. It seems that his family's reaction has a lot to do with his current attitude towards the pregnancy. How did he initially react? Hopefully he is just scared at the idea of not having the support of his family or their belief in his abilities to be a parent. It may take some time for him to adjust his thinking and step up to the plate for you and the baby. In the meantime, you need to do all that you can to take care of yourself and that baby! If he is unable to be supportive of you, then maybe you need to take some time apart. Surround yourself with people that support and love you and the baby...friends, family...whoever makes you feel good.

I have not personally been in this situation, but I have a friend who has. I watched her go through the journey, with lots of ups and downs, from the day she found out she was pregnant, until now. Her boyfriend started out happy and supportive, then seemed to panic and deserted her for a while. He did some things that really hurt her, before he was able to grow up and get his priorities straight. Five years later, she is pregnant with their third child, and they are happy and together.

I hope that your boyfriend turns his attitude around quickly and decides to stand by your side throughout this journey. Sending you lots of love, and hopes for a very happy ending for you and your sweet baby. Hugs.
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  #7  
August 8th, 2011, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K8lyn View Post
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope that your boyfriend is just scared right now and will come around and support you and stand up to his family. I wish I could be of more help.
I wish I had more to offer
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  #8  
August 8th, 2011, 07:30 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice, other than follow your heart and stay strong. Like it was said above, you will be a great mom with or without your bf. Good luck!
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  #9  
August 8th, 2011, 07:46 PM
Kitusne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you ladies. I had a feeling not too many had encountered such a reaction. Perhaps time will heal all wounds. One can hope at least.

Oh, and mel.. Having a man terminate his paternal rights is never a good idea, as he will no longer be financially liable for the child. Granted, in the end it is his right to not want to be a daddy, but I'd never tell a man he no longer has to pay because he gets cold feet
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  #10  
August 8th, 2011, 08:11 PM
HonestMamma's Avatar Bish!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitusne View Post
Thank you ladies. I had a feeling not too many had encountered such a reaction. Perhaps time will heal all wounds. One can hope at least.

Oh, and mel.. Having a man terminate his paternal rights is never a good idea, as he will no longer be financially liable for the child. Granted, in the end it is his right to not want to be a daddy, but I'd never tell a man he no longer has to pay because he gets cold feet
So this is only about finances? Because from what you posted, it looked like to me that this is more than just "cold feet".

And, you can take a man to court for child support, that doesn't mean he can't circumvent the system and not pay. You asked if anyone raised an infant alone, and I am the only one who had responded that I had. But, if you don't think I know what I am talking about, then all I can do is say "lots of luck to you."
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  #11  
August 8th, 2011, 08:11 PM
KimberlyAnn327's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm angry for you. If he didn't want a baby, then he should have used condoms. He had as much to do with creating this life as you did. I hope he gets his act together, but if not, I'm sure you will be able to do it on your own. (((HUGS)))
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  #12  
August 8th, 2011, 08:20 PM
Kitusne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Originally Posted by AnotherGoAround View Post
So this is only about finances? Because from what you posted, it looked like to me that this is more than just "cold feet".

And, you can take a man to court for child support, that doesn't mean he can't circumvent the system and not pay. You asked if anyone raised an infant alone, and I am the only one who had responded that I had. But, if you don't think I know what I am talking about, then all I can do is say "lots of luck to you."
You tend to be a bit argumentative, so I'm not really going to bother getting into it. It really has nothing to do with money though. I just find it foolish to tell someone they can walk away from their financial responsibilities.
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  #13  
August 8th, 2011, 08:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitusne View Post
Thank you ladies. I had a feeling not too many had encountered such a reaction. Perhaps time will heal all wounds. One can hope at least.

Oh, and mel.. Having a man terminate his paternal rights is never a good idea, as he will no longer be financially liable for the child. Granted, in the end it is his right to not want to be a daddy, but I'd never tell a man he no longer has to pay because he gets cold feet
Idk if this is a state thing. But in TN I've heard even if you give up your rights you are still financially obligated.

Child support isn't a decision of the parent. It's a right of the child.
Like I said I could be wrong but that's what I've always heard. And that's what happened to a friend of mine. She gave up her rights to her child to her ex. She's paying child support and he takes her back to court constantly to get it raised.

I dont recommend him giving up rights girl. I'd give him time and space and let him think it through. IMHO.

My dh has a similar situation. I'll pm you when I get home and explain.
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  #14  
August 8th, 2011, 08:32 PM
HonestMamma's Avatar Bish!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitusne View Post
You tend to be a bit argumentative, so I'm not really going to bother getting into it. It really has nothing to do with money though. I just find it foolish to tell someone they can walk away from their financial responsibilities.
Lol you asked for a response and attacked me because you didn't like what I had to say. You put me on the defensive and then throw out a remark like that? This isn't about ME. *I* didn't post a request asking for advice. YOU did.

If you are seeking advice, you have to be open to ALL the advice you get, not just the advice that suits you. I am sorry that my experience isn't all sunshine and roses that you are looking for. You asked if anyone had experience with being a single parent raising an infant, and I have. If you don't want to face the possibilities that I presented, that's up to you. However, don't get mad at me because I told you what I have experienced not only personally, but countless times working with divorces.

Like I have been saying....Lots of luck.
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  #15  
August 8th, 2011, 10:03 PM
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That's exactly what happened to me with my first pregnancy. I told them I was not gonig to abort or adopt out. I told them they have the option if ring there for the baby but I would be fine without them. I didn't force it on them (not saying you are), but I left it at that and took some space from them. In the end they decided not to be apart of baby's life and I was okay with it. Baby doesn't need people like that anyways. I do understand what you are going through, the family who did it to me were like a second family to me, and it was extremely hurtful. But I got past it, and just know that however this turns out for you, you WILL be okay
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  #16  
August 8th, 2011, 10:11 PM
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About the financial part, you could always make him pay child support but then he would have visiting and parental rights (in my state anyway). He could still come around though so I don't think you need to think about that for awhile. For me, I didn't want my babays dad to have rights so I declined child support. (not that he offered but I didn't pursue it) I really think it depends on how things play out for you. Give it some time
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  #17  
August 8th, 2011, 11:27 PM
Bella11356's Avatar Super Mommy
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Someone once told me that a woman becomes a mother the instant she gets pregnant, but a man doesn't become a father until he holds his child for the first time. And when you think about it, it's really true. We have a connection with the baby from the very beginning because we are carrying it inside us. For men it's different, they are just there along for the ride until the baby pops out. I guess my point is just try an be patient with him, because he more than likely doesn't have the emotional connection you have. He just has the grief from his family and that freaks him out. And I would go tell that family exactly where they can shove their opinions. Or that when you what their opinion on your child, you'll give it to 'em! Lol

Good luck and don't upset yourself to much, isn't worth risking the babys health and getting stressed out over this.
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  #18  
August 8th, 2011, 11:56 PM
Iluvmybabies*'s Avatar Mama to 5 girls and 1 boy
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Im so sorry hun I hope he comes around and his family realize this is not there choice and stay out of it all ((HUGS))
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  #19  
August 9th, 2011, 04:16 AM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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when i told babys father (he already broke up with me) he pushed for abortion and when he finally got the "NO" he became distant..he said it was to work through everything going on..men dont seem to realize that although they are scared etc WE still have feelings
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  #20  
August 9th, 2011, 06:29 AM
marinewife0702's Avatar proud first time mama
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No pregnant woman in a relationship should ever have to deal with that nonsense!!! If he didnt use condoms, he should man up and take responsibility. Maybe he wasn't ready but he is a schmuck for saying he wants you to abort because he's still not ready to be a father. As my parents always told me, if you aren't ready to be a parent, you shouldn't have unprotected sex. Stay strong girl. Its going to be tough to do this on your own but maybe he will come to his senses and realize he made a huge mistake!!
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