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I just got the meanest email from my mom about a baby shower. I told her in the beginning we didn't want one or wanted to do something virtual since we live so far away (we're in CO, she's in GA). I'm fine with a post-baby shower but didn't want to go to GA alone and very near or during my 3rd tri.
Apparently all my "excuses [for not coming] were full of holes" and blah blah....THEN she blamed my husband out of nowhere as the reason I wasn't coming (because ge wouldn't "let" me) - which is 100% false...he said I could go if I wanted, no big deal. How dare her insinuate that?? Just because she had a bad experience with marriage doesn't mean we all married the same type of person!
It's like she's mad because I'm not doing what SHE wants me to do...telling me I should do what's "right." Even though what's "right" is what she wants and not what I want. She even went so far as to tell me I hurt someone's feelings because I said I didn't want the shower and they were planning invitations - yet all this started happening without me knowing a single thing about it and my mom knowing the whole time I didn't want a shower!
I'm so angry...and upset that she'd throw my husband under the bus for NO reason other than to get in a low blow, it seems. She also gave me a hard time about not working and being all, "I've known lots of pregnant women who have to excuse themselves to puke and then get right back to work instead of complain and take a nap." Again, low blow and had nothing to do with the actual issue.
I have zero desire for any kind of shower, now. ZERO. She's absolutely ruining the whole experience for me.
The nerve of some people, especially moms. Sorry she's saying mean things to you, but you know what is right for you and your baby and it doesn't matter what she or anyone else says. Tell her if it were her baby she could make the decisions, but it is not. If she wants you to have a pre-baby shower so bad, why don't you tell her and whoever else wants to throw it for you to come to where you live or send the gifts to you instead. Tell her that your doctor said it isn't a good idea for you to travel that far away when you are that far along, and your doctor is the one you are going to trust on this one. Play a gulit trip on her and say what if something happened during the trip that caused problems in your pregnancy or you went into pre-term labor or something like that, wouldn't she feel guilty for being the one who initiated this whole trip in the first place. Why would you even want to be around someone who is treating you like that and saying those mean things anyway? Tell her she is adding stress to this pregnancy that you do not need and if she doesn't stop then you may not even go there for the post-baby shower you want.
Sorry, I just couldn't handle someone treating me like that and I would definitely let them know that. I am not one to stand by silently and let them be like that.
((HUGS)) Im sorry that she is doing this to you hun so not fair, I get eaten by guilt when I make people feel bad but sometimes it is so not your fault and you have to just let it not effect you she is the one with the problem and she will have to get over
I hope she stops making you feel bad for this and can see that the baby is what matters now
Matt(37)DH & soulmate for 14yrs (V-Feb 20/08 * VR-Feb 18/11)
That really is full on email to deal with.
I've never understood what people get out of attacking pregnant women who often have 1000 reasons to do or not to do some thing! Not to mention that you're emotions, moods, fatigue and hormones all alter your defenses, coping strategies and abilities to deal with such hurtfulness. It just seems so unfair. I don't agree with it under any circumstances.
I'd be so tempted to not reply & cease all contact temporarily. Ha ha.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like my MIL. You don't need this stress right now and it sucks that she's not more sympathetic to her daughter and future grandchild. I hope you can make her see how hurtful this is and that your decision is the right one no matter what the reasons because you're the mama and you're in charge of your baby's well being.
Originally Posted by inemlogi
I'd be so tempted to not reply & cease all contact temporarily. Ha ha.
This is how I would deal with it and how we used to deal with my MIL, but now DH just gets really harsh right back with her since it seems to be the only thing that makes her back down. Unfortunately, ignoring it or silence might make her mom feel like she's winning the battle and breaking her down.
Wife to sweet husband Jeff and mother to 2 beautiful girls: Emily (2) and Jocelyn (1).
I definitely responded...letting her know how I felt...I wasn't going to lie down and just take it for no reason (other than her not getting what she wants). I haven't received a response, yet, but I'm sure one is coming...after she crafts up enough venom-filled words...ugh. I could barely sleep last night because I'd think about the email and then get riled up again. I had to keep telling myself to count sheep - something totally neutral - to calm down.
I think babies and weddings are the same in so many ways. Everyone has a preconceived, very STRONG idea on what they should be and when another family member has a different idea, it really comes to a head and feelings get hurt. When I got married, I did not go to traditional route at all and as a consequence there were some hurt feelings on the side of my MIL. I tried to be as honest and forthcoming as I could regarding what I wanted and what I ABSOLULETLY did not (wedding/couple shower), but things still managed to get tumultuous because she truly believed she HAD to throw one for us.
I know for a fact that we are going to run into the same thing with a baby shower. If you haven't noticed, I really hate "showers" in general and so does my husband. I don't like going to them and I'll be dead before I ever have one. Both of us are going to just have to buck up and be honest again about how we feel, understanding for how she feels, and then promptly close the book on the subject cause it ain't going to happen
TTC #1 with Endometriosis & Antiphospholipid Syndrome since December 2008
Dec 2008 - April 2010 #17 Natural cycles
May 2010 - IUI + clomid 50mg BFN
June 2010 - IUI + clomid 50mg BFN
July 2010 - IUI + clomid 100mg BFN
Sept/OC 2010 - IVF #1 (1 embryo transfered; none to freeze) BFP!!!
Oct 25 2010 - First ultrasound at 6.5 weeks TWO HEARTBEATS!!! The embryo split; we're having identical twins!!!
Nov 30 2010 - Ultrasound at 11 weeks; no heartbeats & no growth past 9 weeks
Dec 2 - D&C#1
Dec 7 2010 - D&C#2
Dec 22 2010 through current - Weekly acupuncture treatment
May/June 2011 - IVF#2 with acupuncture (1 embryo transferred; 4 embies on ice!!!) BFP!!!
June 29 2011 - First ultrasound at 7.0 weeks. Everything looks great so far!
July 18, 2011 - Second ultrasound at 9.5 weeks. Baby is doing great!
Feb 10 2012 - Molly Eileen arrived at 7lbs 11oz and 19inches!!!
That's terrible! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from someone who should be supportive for you. Maybe you could send her an email letting her know that you are only trying to do what's best, and you do not mean to upset or hurt anyone, but her response upset you and it would be nice if she could be more supportive of what you feel is best for you and the baby.
A baby shower is supposed to be for your benefit - not for everyone else. You are under no obligation to do something you don't want to do so that others can feel good about it. But you already know that.
Grrrr! that makes me mad for you! reminds me of my mom. she is mad at me for breastfeeding because she wants to be able to feed the baby. moms have the potential to be so helpful, why do so many choose to be frustrating instead!!!
I'm Jen- (25)
DH is Rob-(30)
parents to 2 Boxer-babies- Venus (2yrs)
Mars (9 months)
missing my 2 angels
"Every person in the world has passed through the body of a woman..."
Wow, is she always like that or did the pregnancy bring it out in her? I think her feelings are just hurt, but she did a horrible job of expressing it. I don't think she said that about your dh just to get in a jab -- she probably really believes it, but instead of approaching it tactfully she, again, didn't express herself well and insulted instead. The whole working while pregnant thing just sounds like a personal attack to me -- another classic mother induced guilt trip. Yet another horrible tactic to try to get her way. That is just my take on it.
That was definitely inappropriate! I hope she sees how wrong she was for it and appologizes.
I would do like the first responder said, and just blame it on my doctor and how they don't want me traveling that far into my pregnancy.
But I know you already contacted your mom back. I hope she 'gets' it this time. She obviously doesn't understand that a baby shower should be for YOU and not for HER or anyone else. KUP, let us know what she says.
Ashley & Mark - parents to Jojo & Livy
Thank you all for your support and kind words!! They've really helped me! My mom did send a response this morning...apologizing though in almost a backhanded way saying she was "misunderstood." I honestly don't see how her email could have been misunderstood...I'm tempted to post the email just to see what you all read as the "vibe" of her words...
I'm so sorry I hope things start looking up for you. I swear my mother goes crazy to after the baby is born. She doesn't sound like the is approaching things nicely. She maybe upset she is missing out on a lot of things being so far away too.